20 April 2008

Can I Blog This Road?

I am at a crossroads, an intersection, a fork in the road.
I have struggled to blog about this because this is so personal. It is so unbelievably painful. There is a line I will not cross here in what I share, but at the same time, this is real life, and perhaps someone else can learn from my experience, or more likely my mistakes. Perhaps there is something in the sharing that will bring a word of encouragement from the lips of the Father to the ears of my soul.
At the same time, let me make this simple request - please do not sermonize. Share what you feel may be of benefit, and leave out pat answers, long recitations of scripture, and formulas that say, do this to know what God wants for you.
I told my husband this morning that I wanted to put our house on the market and go our separate ways. This morning he agreed with me. Throughout the day through many painful, tearful conversations, I have explained in great detail what has brought me to this conclusion, as he has insisted that he loves me and doesn't want me to leave. I can think of nothing better.
I left everything that really mattered to me when we moved here almost two years ago now (aside from him and my kids), in a last ditch effort to improve my marriage because it seemed he was really having a hard time living for so long away from his family, and yet nothing has changed between us. I am so lonely for companionship. I am far from being a saint myself, but I know that for 20 years I have been the one hauling our relationship like the weight of a dead elephant up a hill. I have been trying to be a better wife -thinking somehow if I took care of him better to the envy of other men that know us, he would see what a catch I am and a light bulb would go off.
All of the things I said today have been said ad nauseum and fallen on deaf ears. I am not sure which road I will choose. I think I have to choose sanity, peace, a place where even if I am alone it is by my own choice, and not because I have been abandoned again. I have had a whole life of abandonment. I'm all done. Would someone please give me my "get out of jail free" card???

22 comments:

  1. Yes, Julie, you can blog this road. My heart is hurting for you, and I certainly don't have the answers, but will keep lifting you to Father. I pray that throughout this you will experience His hand upon you in a more profound way than you have ever known. May you hear Father's voice clearly above every other as you sort it all out.
    I love you.

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  2. Love you girl, praying for you and I'm here when you need me.

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  3. Wow, it tooks guts to write that. I have no sermon for you, nor will I quote scripture. I will simply pray for you- for clarity, for peace, for rest in Jesus, for things that you may not even know you are needing...

    Jane

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  4. Julie, I so appreciate your willingness to be so vulnerable in sharing this very difficult situation that you're facing. It really does take great courage! I'm with you, just want to say that. God knows I can understand where you're coming from in many ways.....12 years of my life with someone....that's a book in and of itself. We've been separated since November and for me, it's a new beginning and one I'm glad to embrace. I pray for you peace, resolve and strength going forward. Love you!!

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  5. Dearest Jewels! No sermons here. Just (((HUGS))) and prayers for healing, peace, clearness of mind and to see God's heart for your marriage and relationship! I'm so sorry for this hard time, you have been through so much!

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  6. Jewls,

    No sermons, no formulas, no pat answers.

    I am praying for you and your family. I pray that you will know the eternal love of God, that you will find God's unexplainable strength and peace, that you will walk this out in God's mercy and grace.

    Waves of love being sent from SC

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  7. I will definitely pray for you. Deciding to leave your marriage is a very hard decision to make. I've been divorced since 2001.

    I pray that your heart is quiet so that you can hear God's voice when he speaks. I want peace for you.

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  8. I'm sorry. You've taken a brave step. I'll be thinking of you all.

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  9. I love you...and I'm prayin'.
    ~T.Hollywood

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  10. Julie, I am so sorry. HUGS Praying for you & your family, I know this is painful anyway you go.
    Love you, Mel

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  11. Hang in there and know we are prayin for ya

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  12. Praying for the quietness of your soul, listening for direction from the Holy Spirit.
    Connie

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  13. Sending love from Central Texas. Have you thought about trying medication for depression? I have been taking Zoloft for about five years. It won't solve your relationship issues, but it might make it easier to get out of bed in the morning. I can tell when I haven't been consistent in taking mine. I promised myself I wasn't going to dish advice. Oops.

    Whatever happens, there are those who love and cherish you hiding in little places all around. Keep it real, sister.

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  14. Julie,

    Years and Years ago...Stacy and I separated for 6 months. For us, it was a wake up call for him and an eye opener to me of how hard it is truly alone. We managed to get back together and provide the kids with the home you read about. It hasn't been easy nor quick. Hurt feelings linger and some things can't be forgotten. Whatever ends up as your pathway, you have a place to visit and rest with us. As you know, there are many single unschooling moms, so focus on K, K, and K and the rest will take care of it self.

    Thinking of you. Hugs and kisses.

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  15. Julie, only God knows your heart - He reserves judgement as His own. All we'll do is walk this road with you (cyberly) and pray you through it. And remember as you go THROUGH this that getting through means there is another destination, another season waiting for you.

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  16. Love and many prayers for all of you!

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  17. Praying for you, and sending cyber hugs.

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  18. Know that some crazy girl in Washington state is totally praying for you. She's sitting at her computer with wet hair because this can't wait.
    She's feeling tears well up at how bad it must be for you to blog this. She wants to let you know that many GOOD women have faced your road.

    Why does no one talk about their own marriage problems within the Christian community? IT SUCKS. I know gals w/ serious, serious issues that they feel like they are all alone with.

    That's a lie from the enemy. You are NOT alone.

    Do you have friends there who you respect who will give you godly one on one time? Someone that can help you sort through these feelings?

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  19. Oh, I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting so much. I have felt many of the same things you expressed in this post. Marriage is so stinking hard.

    Praying today for healing for you, for your hearts to be knit together, for strength and courage, wisdom, and- to echo Free Spirit, for you to hear your Father's voice clearly. I read your last few posts as well and want to encourage you to talk to your dr about how you've been feeling. I've gone on wellbutrin and it helped life not seem so overwhelming and dark.

    And I pray this doesn't come across as just a pat answer, but the book Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerichs was huge in helping my husband and I move past the hardest time in our marriage. I know it has been a blessing to other marriages as well.

    Praying for you, Julie.

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  20. Julie,

    I read this first thing this morning but had to rush off to work. You've been in my prayers all day. My heart aches for all of you. I'm still praying and if you need someone to talk to, I'm a good listener. Give me a call. Love you!

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  21. Julie,

    I've been following this, both here and at RCU...I haven't commented because I don't know that I have anything profound to say. My heart is breaking for you as you choose your path. Whichever road you take may you be healthy and whole and healed. Hugs and many prayers.

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Awaiting your words......
♥ Juls ♥