23 April 2008

Need to Breathe

All that has transpired has made the last week or so seem like a year....or maybe two. On top of it all, the weather has turned humid, getting heavier and heavier with our AC broken (it needs recharged - and hopefully only that), and I have been wheezing and struggling to breathe. I was waking up every night coughing my head off and needing my inhaler. I haven't had an asthma attack this bad since I was a child. So I think lack of sleep and lack of oxygen might be contributing to the ability to think clearly.
Last night, I was telling Travis about how hard it has been for me to breathe lately. He was listening. Really listening, kinda like he cared. He has a window unit in his back room. He started asking me if I wanted him to put it in our bathroom window, saying we could close the bedroom door and it would keep that one room in the house cool enough.
Usually he finds anything like this an imposition. Giving up comfort for the room he has chosen to live in the year and a half since we moved into this house, refusing to engage and to the complete neglect of his family (which he hasn't entered in 3 days) is a huge personal sacrifice. I can see something in him has broken. Whether this is permanent or temporary remains to be seen. I am just ready to get off of the ferris wheel - and at the first sign of temporary I will be jumping - even from the tippee top.

It seems a simple thing but it made me cry, the air conditioner, and how it must seem so natural for others to have their most basic needs so easily met - like the need to breathe. I realize in a deep way that I am not accustomed to having anybody take care of me, at all. I am tired of being the one sitting on the sidelines wondering what it feels like to join in the dance, to be swept up in love, to be nurtured and cared for. Emotionally I have felt like the dirty little girl with the ripped dress and no shoes for so many years.


  1. For what its worth, I'm praying that Travis has a life-altering moment of clarity, akin to Paul's Damascus Road experience. You know, he was never the same since. I believe it can happen Julie. Hopefully this is the wake up call he needed. Hang in there. Give Father some room to work before you completely throw hope over board. If Father can change Paul, the murderer, It's not beyond Him to change Travis.

    Just hoping for the best for you. No guilt here - just trying to offer hope.

  2. Oil of Oregano and vitamin C.

    If Travis had an epiphany, time will tell.Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom before we can rise to the top.

  3. I had a minute to read this post quickly before I ran out the door this morning, and have been thinking about it on and off all day. The last couple of lines about feeling like that little girl really struck me and here's why: I grew up with a father who did not know how to communicate love to a little girl and who was a very hurt and angry man. I was scared of him most of the time and remember trying to keep out of his way, for the most part. Things are better now, and healing has taken place in his life and in our family's, but there are still natural consequences of growing up like that. My first marriage doesn't need much explanation- I was needy and went along with the first guy who said he liked me. I grew up a lot in that marriage, but after getting divorced, I thought most of the blame was on my ex. In a lot of ways, he was not upstanding husband material- in a lot of important ways. Then comes my second marriage- to a real stand up guy. We floated along in that wonderful lovey dovey feeling quite a while. Then real life hit- especially in the last couple of years when we were dealing with the fall- out from a terrible accident he was in and his dad's death at a fairly young age. It brought out a hurt side to him that was withdrawn, impatient, and frustrated a lot. I became withdrawn and nervous as a result. We sought some counselling, and I learned something that was profound to me. I had always thought of myself as a fairly good communicator, but I found out I wasn't. What was happening was that when I got around behaviour that I INTERPRETED was like my father's, I immediately regressed and became that little girl that felt neglected. I took the behaviour personally-Therefore, I acted in ways that fulfilled how I anticipated getting treated. It was unconscious- I did not realize that I made myself into a victim. It felt like I was doing the only thing I could do- keep him happy. In my husband's reality, he saw me change too, couldn't understand it, and did not know how to communicate with me when I was like that. My compliancy actually made it worse. SO, I worked on being conscious of those triggers that sent me back into my childhood thinking, and worked on speaking up- not in an aggressive way, but in a way that communicated my needs too. It was really hard to do, and I still struggle sometimes, but have found that when I do speak up , it is less frustrating for my hubby than when I choose not to for fear no one will care. I discovered that my husband was not as unfeeling as I suspected. I discovered that his heart is still soft towards me and he was in a yucky place too. I often had to say, "This is how I am interpreting your behaviour- is that how you intend it?" I was suprised to find out that things that seemed so obviously uncaring to me, were not necessarily meant that way. (Of course, I am not speaking of physical abuse or anything like that when I make these comments- that shouldn't be interpreted- violence is violence.) I discovered my behaviour was hurtful to him as well. I know this is a really long comment, but I feel a lot of pain behind your words, and it seems like you may still be battling ghosts from your childhood- understandably. I hope this has made some sense and doesn't sound like garbeldy gook. You may not find any of this helpful, but I felt led to share it anyway- maybe it will give you or someone else some help.

  4. Oh Jewels! So many of us have been praying, and will continue to pray for you and for Travis! May this truely be the beginning of a change in your relationship. It was a thoughtful and caring thing for him to do! I'm still praying that you can both receive the healing that your hearts and souls and minds need from the Lord! May He knit you together as one - one who is whole! I know it will be a long road but He is on the journey with you! (((HUGS)))


Awaiting your words......
♥ Juls ♥