25 January 2009


Time for a post about something else, anything else. I am so desperate to think about something else that I will even post about the Blue Bell Banana Pudding ice cream that is in my freezer currently, screaming my name!! On my mind, Walmart. I know - boring subject matter, but I do spend at least 4-5 hours there, 4-5 times a week.
Some observations - most of the women there are divorced. Some boldly admit they would rather be there than home. It makes me sad. I don't want to be bitter or resentful or consumed. I am going to choose grace the best that I can, one moment at a time, lest I forget and one of you remind me that I love the Lord, I want to love like Jesus and I don't want anybody to ever take that pursuit of His heart away from me. No.matter.what.
I still like smiling and interacting with my customers, even on my worst days. One day I was even challenged by a customer when asked in return how I was and I responded weakly that I was "fine". He didn't believe me, as well he shouldn't. But just that moment of compassion from another human being has the power to lift you up - seems it works from both sides of the checkout line.
One night last week, I had a man push his way between me and my cash drawer. That was interesting and it helped me remember how dangerous it can be to work around so much money. It also reminded me how desperate people can be who need or want money. Then yesterday I had a lady try to write a very obviously HOT check. Smokin'! She gave me a fake driver's license number that ended in 5678, tried to run out of the store with a $50 gift card, and told me at least 3 different stories about who she was buying the food for - a rescue mission, an elderly person and then a man in prison. (I thought taxpayers fed those who are incarcerated?) Anyway, it is always interesting at Walmart. I have been glad to have an out of the house job right now - it is a reason to get dressed on days when my emotions are so heavy I have been barely functioning.
Thanks for all your prayers, love and precious sentiments. They mean so much.

24 January 2009

Trying to Remember

When I look back on the best memories of my life, they were all without him. Outings with friends. Trips. Vacations. Walks on the beach. Laughing with my children uninhibited by someone's criticism. I've waited for the better life together, the time when he calms enough to enjoy life with me, laugh with me, love with me. I moved across the country in the hopes that he would be happy, but the cold hard fact is that he never will be. We'll never have the jacuzzi on the rooftop, romantic vacations, frolicking together with our grandchildren. All the dreams are dying. But I'm trying to remember that every moment together was one in which I had to manage him, make sure he wasn't uncomfortable, unhappy, unsettled. It was always too much work. I made my life without him. I am trying to remember why this needs to happen. I've been married alone. Not much is changing for me except the tremendous relief of not having to always make sure he is okay. I need to concentrate for a change on making sure I'm okay. What I want more than anything right now is to have a mom - someone to show up and help make sure my kids have food, the floors are swept and life is manageable for me. I want someone who I can put my ugliest crying face on in front of, who will wrap me in their arms with no pretense and let me cry my eyes out.
It is all frightening - like being on the edge of a cliff and having others tell you that they know there are arms that will catch you. But YOU know that the free fall you do on your way down, starting with that first step off the edge must be done alone. I keep hearing the words of Elisabeth Eliot, who used to start her radio show with “…..you are loved with an everlasting love, and underneath are the everlasting arms.”
I can go on. I will step off this cliff. I have been on my own for so long anyway. I just need to continue to remember.

21 January 2009

Everything is Out of Control

I can't handle one more stress
I can't find my footing -
I can't catch my breath -
I can't find the surface -

Every.single.thing is out of control.

Feeling Too Much

I don't know how you go from being numb to feeling so much you feel like the pain alone will kill you. I spent about half an hour in my bathroom crying until I was vomiting, with my children holding my head. I don't know how to conceal the hell I am going through from them. While every intimate detail is not laid bare in front of them, I think there is no way to shield them from this. It is our mutual nightmare to live through together.
I feel like I can't listen to the radio or watch TV. Everything stirs up feelings inside of me. I don't really know what to do but put one foot in front of another. I would love nothing more than to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head and pretend this all is not happening and is not necessary.
Please continue your prayers dear bloggers. I know there is something supernatural that keeps me moving forward when I want to stop and sit right here in this pain and die.

17 January 2009

Things I Will Miss About Texas

I know that not all of my lurkers came out of the closet yesterday, but that's alright. You are still welcome here. I am going to try to get my blogging juices stimulated by some of your questions, the first of which being what I will miss about Texas.
This is a little bit of a difficult thing - one that cramped my heart with fear when we first decided to move to Texas. I would wake up with a cold chill of panic about just this thing. I may have to miss my daughter. Kendra has said that she may stay here in this area and go to college. I know that doesn't sound too horrible, but if she is unable to leave here now, I can't imagine that time and more roots and deeper friendships established that she will ever want to leave. I can't think about it too much just yet. There is a timing factor involved with the start of college and her 18th birthday and her getting her drivers' license - but I am trying to come to terms with the fact that she has a life to live and it is my job at this time to transition myself out of her way. But she by far would be the thing I would miss most desperately.
I would miss that spring starts in mid-February, right when you mentally think you cannot take one more day of winter. Wildflowers start to bloom, and the air gets full of that energy of new life bursting forth in all the trees and fields. There are some really nice trails to walk this time of year and I will miss them as well - especially the Sundew Trail which is where we most often traverse.
There are a few ladies that I have started to get to know better as well, now that we've decided to move, and my friend Melody who has been my companion in homesickness. It is difficult to share our lives together though because we live about 40 minutes away from them. We will always have the internet, email and Facebook. It will also be nice to know that they are nearby in case Kendra should need them if she has any trouble.
I will absolutely miss my house. I just love this 100 year old beauty and all of the charm. It really suits me. But without friends to fill the rooms, it is still lacking in spite of being my dream house.
I am sure there are other things I will miss, but these are the ones that stand out the most. Texas is not a bad place - and if I've given that impression at all in my blogging, please know that there is beauty to be found here and good people. West Virginia is my home, and nothing can compete with her place in my heart.

15 January 2009

Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are!!

Come on, show yourselves...... I know I've been a lame blogger lately. Tell me what you'd like me to blog about when you leave your comment to let me know you're here. I'm game.

11 January 2009

Country Roads Take Me Home

I know that I have had plenty of "homesick for West Virginia" posts on this blog. Probably too many to count. I have missed it since the moment I drove away tearfully almost three years ago. I did give Texas a chance, but the truth is that one can only truly have one home. In the dysfunction of my parents' divorce and constant moving, I never really felt like I had a "home" in the same way others have experienced. That sense of belonging to a place, and it being a part of who you are - and until I left West Virginia I never realized how much a part of me it had become. I started to sprout roots, though shallow for my 36+ years that were entangled with many precious people. I had never experienced that sensation that I have read about of being called home, but lately I hear the mountain calling to me. We have talked about it, lamented about the reasons we came here, and with a lot of chaos in our home of late due to financial burdens, marital strain and other such things one thing has become crystal clear - it is in the best interest of our whole family to move back to West Virginia. This decision was made a couple of weeks ago, and almost immediately after, we had someone contact us about buying our house though we have yet to put it on the market. Seems that things may align splendidly. If you are a praying person, prayers for clear paths would be much appreciated.

The picture here was snagged from my friend and very talented photographer, Alexandra Beaulieu who gave me permission to use it. She took the picture from a spot perched above St. Peter's Catholic Church located on the hillside in historic Harpers Ferry, WV. Thanks so much Alex.

09 January 2009

Don't Blog at All

Have you ever heard the expression, "If you don't have something good to say - don't say anything at all!"? Well I have applied that to my blog which is the best explanation I can give for the silence. I am struggling again. Travis has been out of work for a full week, and we were behind everything before that. After I pay all the bills this week, we'll have just a little money to eek out for food and gas. I cannot think beyond this particular week. If I do, anxiety attempts to take over. Things are more difficult than I can say, and while I know that others are in far more dire situations, the one that I am in, juggling day to day feels like it's swallowing me. I feel like I can't work one more hour, fix one more relationship, resolve one more problem. I am just totally, physically, emotionally and mentally spent.

01 January 2009

New Year's Food

As is tradition, we are having black eyed peas for dinner tonight. My mom always made black eyed peas and cornbread. During my stint as a cashier extraordinaire, I have learned from many many many customers all buying these little peas that you make them for luck, but for prosperity you make cabbage. So that's what I've been missing all these years. I am not superstitious, but I thought, what could it hurt. When in Rome..... so I tried to find some cabbage - cause I actually do like it prepared correctly, al dente and not resembling leafy shaped snot seasoned with onion and garlic, salt and pepper. Unfortunately, I waited too late, and there were no heads of cabbage to be found. What I ended up with was shredded cole slaw, and intend to make this, hoping it will bring me prosperity coupled with the lucky peas. Evidently you make cornbread with it just because it tastes good!
What do you eat on New Year's Day?