Haven of Peace

I got quite a bit done today, including watching Mamma Mia with my friend who is Ethel to my Lucy. It was nice to sit in the afternoon with a hot cup of coffee and chill for a couple of hours. I then proceeded to get the living area mostly done. There is a little section which is going to be Kullen's room that needs some attention, but it looks and feels like home. Some of my closest friends describe me as a "nester" and it is true. When I move - I am absolutely driven to get things put away, hung up and in order. It is essential to my sanity and I literally cannot relax until it is done. I am hoping to post some pictures here later of our new place. For now I am posting this outside picture that was taken by my cell phone. It is the only one I have at the moment. We have our main living area in the finished basement which is accessible from a door behind the fence between the house and the garage. I have a bedroom upstairs - it is yellow and Kaitlyn says it is good for me because it is cheery. We also have a fabulous kitchen that is shared on occasion with the owner of the house when she comes up from South Carolina to take care of infrequent business with a daycare center that she owns. It is an amazing blessing because we have a decent place to call home for the same rent as I would be paying in a subsidized apartment with my kids. There are children in the neighborhood that have overwhelmed Kullen - but I feel sure he will warm up to them and have great times playing with other kids. All the kids have had friends over and it has been awesome to have people around us again. It makes me feel loved, supported and stronger.
This morning the kids and I went for our first counseling session. It was tremendous. We walked away with a lot of insight and the lady who is counseling us is amazing. She validated that we were living in an abusive environment - and asked me to admit it to myself. It isn't easy. It is easier to think what I was always told, that other people had it much worse, and that it wasn't "that bad". The counselor wants to see us individually starting with me. She helped me see that some of the things Travis is doing even now are manipulative. He tries to put all the responsibility for the way the kids interact with him on me - she called it triangulating. She also helped me know that it is okay for the kids to tell their dad that they don't want to talk to him right now, and that he needs to respect that boundary. She gave us language to use when people ask questions we aren't ready to answer. She also made it very clear that the one year I was asking for was of the utmost importance. It was all very helpful and even Kullen - who went into the appointment saying, "I'm not talking to anyone about my problems!" warmed up to her by the end of our session.
So, we breathe, eat, sleep, live, and move. Life goes on. I have this sadness deep inside still - but it isn't consuming me anymore.

Things I Will Miss About Texas

I know that not all of my lurkers came out of the closet yesterday, but that's alright. You are still welcome here. I am going to try to get my blogging juices stimulated by some of your questions, the first of which being what I will miss about Texas.
This is a little bit of a difficult thing - one that cramped my heart with fear when we first decided to move to Texas. I would wake up with a cold chill of panic about just this thing. I may have to miss my daughter. Kendra has said that she may stay here in this area and go to college. I know that doesn't sound too horrible, but if she is unable to leave here now, I can't imagine that time and more roots and deeper friendships established that she will ever want to leave. I can't think about it too much just yet. There is a timing factor involved with the start of college and her 18th birthday and her getting her drivers' license - but I am trying to come to terms with the fact that she has a life to live and it is my job at this time to transition myself out of her way. But she by far would be the thing I would miss most desperately.
I would miss that spring starts in mid-February, right when you mentally think you cannot take one more day of winter. Wildflowers start to bloom, and the air gets full of that energy of new life bursting forth in all the trees and fields. There are some really nice trails to walk this time of year and I will miss them as well - especially the Sundew Trail which is where we most often traverse.
There are a few ladies that I have started to get to know better as well, now that we've decided to move, and my friend Melody who has been my companion in homesickness. It is difficult to share our lives together though because we live about 40 minutes away from them. We will always have the internet, email and Facebook. It will also be nice to know that they are nearby in case Kendra should need them if she has any trouble.
I will absolutely miss my house. I just love this 100 year old beauty and all of the charm. It really suits me. But without friends to fill the rooms, it is still lacking in spite of being my dream house.
I am sure there are other things I will miss, but these are the ones that stand out the most. Texas is not a bad place - and if I've given that impression at all in my blogging, please know that there is beauty to be found here and good people. West Virginia is my home, and nothing can compete with her place in my heart.

Country Roads Take Me Home

I know that I have had plenty of "homesick for West Virginia" posts on this blog. Probably too many to count. I have missed it since the moment I drove away tearfully almost three years ago. I did give Texas a chance, but the truth is that one can only truly have one home. In the dysfunction of my parents' divorce and constant moving, I never really felt like I had a "home" in the same way others have experienced. That sense of belonging to a place, and it being a part of who you are - and until I left West Virginia I never realized how much a part of me it had become. I started to sprout roots, though shallow for my 36+ years that were entangled with many precious people. I had never experienced that sensation that I have read about of being called home, but lately I hear the mountain calling to me. We have talked about it, lamented about the reasons we came here, and with a lot of chaos in our home of late due to financial burdens, marital strain and other such things one thing has become crystal clear - it is in the best interest of our whole family to move back to West Virginia. This decision was made a couple of weeks ago, and almost immediately after, we had someone contact us about buying our house though we have yet to put it on the market. Seems that things may align splendidly. If you are a praying person, prayers for clear paths would be much appreciated.

The picture here was snagged from my friend and very talented photographer, Alexandra Beaulieu who gave me permission to use it. She took the picture from a spot perched above St. Peter's Catholic Church located on the hillside in historic Harpers Ferry, WV. Thanks so much Alex.

Still Not Home

I am staying in NC another week with my family. Travis is working 7 days a week and won't miss me much. It is also hard to leave knowing that it was 2 1/2 years since my last visit. It is also difficult to leave knowing that I have to head south instead of back to my beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains. I really really really can't stand the idea of it. I don't hate Texas - it just isn't my home. One bright spot is that I get to meet Stephanie on the way - and that helps a lot.
I am connecting with my family and having the absolute best time that I have had in a long while. It is terrific. We played the.most.fun game of Apples to Apples with Laurie and Chris last night. I have attended ballgames and cheerleading competitions, cookouts, and all sorts of other things. To me, right now, it really doesn't matter as long as we get to be together.
In other news, concerned about taking another week to head home and not getting back to the doctor about my test results from a month ago, I was finally able to get a nurse to review them with me over the phone somewhat. I have to have a D & C when I get back, and they need a biopsy. Would anyone like to stand in for me? Yeah, I thought not. So still no really conclusive answers - just a suggestion at a different type of cancer than I originally thought. More waiting. I am not a patient person.
I guess I'll head home next week - whatever that means.

ReDiscovering the Neighborhood

Let's face it - with the rising cost of fuel, we are all having to make more discriminating choices about where we go. This is a bit disconcerting for those of us who live in *ahem* the middle of nowhere. I don't exactly - there is a small town about 12 miles up the road with what amounts to a third world Walmart. There aren't exactly chickens running the aisles, but let's just say that it wouldn't surprise me.
But right in our midst is a little treasure. We have a little hole in the wall joint called the BBQ Pitt. The kids and I had to run an errand at the post office, so we walked to the end of our street and then went for a late lunch at this little red shack with the walk-up window and particle board walls that are covered from top to bottom with posters of Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, Shirley Temple and the likes. There is also a jukebox and a Nascar wall.
We had a nice meal - you can't beat a good BBQ sandwich, fries with gravy, fried catfish sandwich, chicken fried steak and corn dogs. (Artery cleanse please!) 50s music played, and we laughed while we had our lunch. I'll take the BBQ Pitt over stinky old McDonalds any day!

Just Crazy and Bummed

The world is turned upside down! I blog deep thoughts, revelations, what if questions that go unanswered and then others who shall go unnamed blog about BUGLES and get a conversation going. How is this?
I am a little bummed today. I was supposed to be leaving this morning to head home to WV. I have hope that I can still go in June due to that little thing called the economic stimulus check - Lord willing, but it does not diminish the disappointment of not being on my way right now.
Continue to talk amongst yourselves about your plastic snack food, I'll be alright. Don't worry about me.

Nothing New Under the Son

I say this without despair - but with a realization that all the things that the Lord has been trying to teach man from the beginning of time, He, the Perfect Teacher is continuing to communicate to humanity. History repeats itself. Relationships struggle from the fall. Individuals learn to love God and live with one another in some way that isn't broken.
For me, there was no magical thing that happened at the stroke of midnight. In fact, at 11 pm here - my heart had already found 2008 when the magical thing called time crossed into the eastern time zone, and over the Blue Ridge Mountains that will forever be my home.
I welcome 2008 - with its love, laughter, hurts, lessons, trials, joy, heartache, and the stories it will write on the pages of time.
Happy New Year - for whatever its worth. May the love of the Lord dwell in your hearts and your homes for its duration.

The Money Pit

Do you ever feel like when one thing goes wrong with your home - everything seems to start crumbling? And I wonder why so many other people live in houses of great efficiency, in perfect repair. Travis took up the floor this weekend and got most of it out but all that is left is a hideous sub-flooring - but the worst part is that there is water damage from a leak we had - so there is black mold. I think this stuff gave me a severe headache yesterday - of the migraine kind that is still lingering today. Also the hinges on our kitchen cabinets are starting to lose these weird specialty screws - and you can't just go grab a screw at the hardware store so the cabinet doors are fragile. We also had a water leak in the bathroom after hubby took the floor out because the sink wasn't braced. I also have 2 seatbelts of my 7 passenger van that suddenly stopped working. It always seems to be something - but it always seems to come in at least 2 or 3s.

Home Alone

Kullen did not want to go with me when I took the girls to audition for Cheaper by the Dozen last night, however, there was going to be a 10 minute gap between the time I had to leave and the time his dad would be home from work. I called Travis right before I left and he was only about 11 miles away, so I told the boy to take Jett (our black lab) inside with him, and lock the doors, assuring him his dad would be right home. I had to go to the gas station that is less than a mile away and tank up before heading off, and when I finally headed down the road, I passed his dad. I called to check on him, and while it had only been 5 minutes, please remember he is only 9 (soon to be 10 he would want me to remind you) years old. I was mostly worried that he would be scared. He answered the phone out of breath.
I said, "Hey, I just passed daddy. He should be there any second!"
He says, "MOM, guess what?"
I said, "What?"
He said, "I turned the stereo all the way up!"
I had visions of Tom Cruise - an 80s flashback from Risky Business dancing around the living room floor in his underwear, socks and a collared shirt! Yep, we're totally not ready to be home alone yet!

Bragging on My Man

This picture is kind of dark - but I wanted to show you what my hubby did while I was away the last four days. We bought a projector before we moved into this house, but since the house was full of windows, leaving little wall space, we weren't sure how we were going to ever use it. He used a white board to make this screen that hangs from the wall in front of our fireplace. It is going to be great. We are going to break it in sometime this week. The best part is that you can take it down and put it away when you aren't using it.
I was so proud of him when I came home yesterday. The sink was empty, the countertops were clean, the living room where he built the screen was even cleaned up and the BED was even made! Ah, it made the homecoming even sweeter!

Be It Ever So Humble, There's No Place Like Home

Ah, nothing makes you appreciate home like going away. I have traveled more times this past year than ever in my entire life, and I have put this theory to the test. No matter how lovely your hosts, how well you are fed, or how beautiful your surroundings, there is nothing like your own bed, and your own home. Even the smell of the house when we walked in was more than just a smell, it was like breathing air again! And regardless of which state this house is in - our family has made this place a home - teeming with laughter, conversation, sometimes tears, and excessive family life!
We had a fantastic time while we were visiting with my sister-in-law, and enjoyed the baby shower for my niece immensely, but I was ready to be home. My hubby was ready for us to be home too. I was so excited because the house looked better than ever after I've been absent for a while, and we made up for four days of kisses and hugs! I am not sure why I missed him so much more this time than usual, but I think God is doing something very special between us.
Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home!

Heartburn

The Lord has overwhelmed me. Within the last two weeks so much has transpired on the homefront that I can hardly imagine how it happened - even though I saw it all come together with my own two eyes.
First, I have made a friend that I have been walking with every morning. It his HOT HOT HOT outside - in the mid-90s even at 9 am - but every day this past week we walked around our block 3-4 times. This has been a tremendous blessing. While we have different spiritual backgrounds, God has used these morning walks to bring up conversations that are sharpening me.
Second, Kendra met her friend Allen, and because of that I met his mom, Sherri. She came over the other night and we had coffee and talked until midnight - never realizing the passing of time. She loves the Lord so much and it shows in every aspect of her life. Kendra and I went to a small group Bible study with them, and it was awesome. When we got home, Kendra made a list of prayers that were answered in the coming together of our newfound friendships - my prayers for a friend, Sherri's prayers for a friend that loves the Lord, Kendra's prayers for me to make a friend, Kendra's prayers to make a godly friend, the prayers of a lady we met named Joyce who had been praying for God to send a friend to Sherri, and I added that it was likely Allen's prayers to meet a girl who loved the Lord. It has all culminated in this amazing way that only God could do. You meet people and generally it takes time to get to know them, but it has felt all along the way like we've always known each other.
Then, the Bible study last night was like a big, deep drink of water for a thirsty person. I was starting to wonder if there were people here who would set aside their televisions for a night that they weren't "supposed" to have church, to have fellowship and communion with one another. It was pretty wonderful. Cleve Sharp was the man who led the group. There was no doubt the Lord's Spirit was on him. He shared a vision God gave him of some things that He was going to do this year among his people. So much of what he said were things that we have been sensing as well, and watching come to pass. One thing in particular was that we were moving from the church as it is structured now, into homes - for more koinonia - true fellowship among the body of believers. A mutual sharing of faith life, versus a political system where there is a power structure, and monologue where there should be dialogue.
Here are some of the other things he said that touched me so - that I was in tears even before he could finish a sentence - because I knew where he was going:

• I sense there will be a death of some things that have been dear. These have been places of great expectation. These were seeds that have been nurtured and at one time brought much hope. Many of these things were God’s will for the season but now it is the end of it. For a time it is ok to mourn. Then put it away from you …. Don’t allow the trauma of the transition to hold sway over you.
• There are some things that seemed lost to us … that will absolutely be recovered. The joy of these things will be as an old and dear friend. Some of these recovered things will be sweeter than we ever remembered.
• Some of the clearest words of life and direction will come from the smallest mouths. So, listen up.

If you read my blog regularly - or even semi-regularly - you will know the significance of some of these statements. I left last night with some new friends, spiritually refreshed, encouraged, excited at the prospect of what God is doing in the midst of people who love Him, and a sense of awe that He did it again when I least expected it. There is a fire in my heart again. I am so thankful.

URGENT Prayer Needed

I arrived home last night at 11 pm to my happily waiting husband - but since that moment the world has fallen apart! My computer crashed while I was traveling and he isn't sure he can fix it. All my info may be lost. Please pray about this! It would be devastating!
Secondly - the oven glass broke while I was gone - and while he told me about it - it was traumatic to see it. The home warranty may cover this - if not we'll have to get a new door. Also - our fridge is still on the blink and looks like we'll have to fight GE with Home Depot on our side to get them to give us our money back. Ugh.
I am so so so happy to be home - but the world is a little shaky right now.
Missed y'all terribly. Hope to be back soon!

PLEASE Mom, Can We KEEP Him?

My answer was, "Ask your father!" Guess what he said? I never would have expected it - THE MAN SAID "YES!" I didn't see that coming!!! Undone by my own husband! We went to a rainy and dreary fall festival today and instead of candy, pumpkins, and bellies full of hot homemade soup, we came home with this.............

He's an adorable black lab/german shepherd/golden lab mix - a mutt basically - and we love mutts. We have found them always to be the best dogs.

But here's the deal - Kullen has asthma and is allergic to dogs. The allergist told us about a year and a half ago, and with much sadness we relinquished our pet ownership priveleges - at least for a time to see if it helped his asthma get better. We also had friends help us change our flooring. The allergist said we should give him a break. So we did, and he has done better. We are hoping and praying that with the new leather sofa instead of soft covered furnishings, and laminate flooring instead of carpet, the puppy dander, which is what causes the trouble, won't be as much of an issue. Otherwise, the puppy goes. A good friend of mine already said she'd take him - because he is really awesome. He's calm, quiet and sweet.....at least for now. My kids love having a dog so much - and it really is something we've missed a great deal! So please pray for us that God would help Kullen not have a reaction to this puppy. On a side note, we have many friends with lots of cats and dogs in their homes, and unless he pets them and touches his eyes, he doesn't seem to have any trouble, so we're hopeful.

The puppy's name is Jet - like jet black!!! He is pictured with Kaitlyn, Kendra, Kullen (my three kids) and our friend Jamey - an awesome kid in my youth group! (I'm trying to figure out how to fit that kid into a suitcase and take him to Texas with us!!!!)