My Mountain Mama - Part 1

I was feeling a bit homesick today and inspired to write, so I decided to put down some thoughts about my beautiful home state of West Virginia. This time of the year is especially hard not to be there. It is very much a work in progress, so please be gentle in your critique.

I’ll never forget the first time I saw her. Her arms outstretched across the horizon. The sun rose from behind her as if she had held back the night with the strength of her own might. My mountain mama was waking. She turned from a mourning gray to a burst of color, the sun revealing what the lazy morning fog tried to hide as it drowsily beckoned its inhabitants back into warm beds under down comforters as fires burned in their hearths.

The large windows in the upstairs classroom provided an excellent view of her beauty. The change was symbolic of the change that was happening to me, bursting from the gray of mourning into the spectacular color of a full and vibrant life. A confidant woman was emerging from the scared and confused girl, the peaks and valleys carving their indelible mark on my soul.

One can feel God and hear Him most clearly on this mountain and in the river that runs at her feet. I imagine them joyful lovers, His finger carving out the curves and painting the colors, making her as He chooses for Himself. A spirit is full just to be there with them, together.

Some may say that these are not mountains, and it makes little difference to me. I know the familiar fluttering in my stomach as I traverse the ribbon roads cut through her trees, letting me know that I belong here. I could travel the world and come to the conclusion that all art pales in comparison to the Creator’s fall canvas on the lofts of this mountain and the way He manages to dazzle spectators anew with each coming year.

I have two other displaced West Virginian blogger friends who are trying to make their homes elsewhere, and this is for them A. and Tina.

Still Not Home

I am staying in NC another week with my family. Travis is working 7 days a week and won't miss me much. It is also hard to leave knowing that it was 2 1/2 years since my last visit. It is also difficult to leave knowing that I have to head south instead of back to my beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains. I really really really can't stand the idea of it. I don't hate Texas - it just isn't my home. One bright spot is that I get to meet Stephanie on the way - and that helps a lot.
I am connecting with my family and having the absolute best time that I have had in a long while. It is terrific. We played the.most.fun game of Apples to Apples with Laurie and Chris last night. I have attended ballgames and cheerleading competitions, cookouts, and all sorts of other things. To me, right now, it really doesn't matter as long as we get to be together.
In other news, concerned about taking another week to head home and not getting back to the doctor about my test results from a month ago, I was finally able to get a nurse to review them with me over the phone somewhat. I have to have a D & C when I get back, and they need a biopsy. Would anyone like to stand in for me? Yeah, I thought not. So still no really conclusive answers - just a suggestion at a different type of cancer than I originally thought. More waiting. I am not a patient person.
I guess I'll head home next week - whatever that means.

Homesick Manifesto

I have had a lot of difficulties adjusting since we moved to Texas in May 2006. Most of them were well anticipated - as I was leaving the first long-term "home" I had ever had, and the friends the Lord surrounded me with to give me the family of his making, not biological but the ones with ties that wrap all the way around your heart, and are not easily undone.
There is a lot that could be said about all the places that I have lived. I counted them out once and there are more than 20 different towns in states up and down most of the east coast. My parents' divorce was the cause for a lot of it. My personal insecurities caused me to continue a lot of this pattern into my adult life. However, in 1995 after a three month separation, Travis and I settled in Harpers Ferry, West Virginia - and there we stayed for almost 11 years. I made the best friends I had ever had in my life. These were the people who gathered around when my babies were born, the ones who filled our home with their presence and prayer support when we were in need, rejoiced with us when something good happened, and cried with us when we struggled and suffered. They are the people who would leave toilet paper and laundry detergent on the front seat of our car when they knew Travis was out of work, and point at one another and shrug their shoulders unknowingly when asked about it to preserve our dignity. They are the ones who filled your life with great excitement and surprise in the everyday of it all, side by side. We would hang out in the wee hours of the morning together, play games, talk, laugh, debate. I finally had the family that I had always wanted. I knew moving away would be hard, but felt that we owed it to Travis to get to know his family and try to make a life where he wanted to be.
The thing is, being here has been hell. It isn't the place or the people, but it is truly that my heart is elsewhere. We haven't succeeded in building the family relationships that we had hoped to, and find that we are quite alone. Financially we are in the same boat. With the rising economy, I have realized that in a short amount of time, we will quickly be stuck wherever it is that we live with little life outside, unable to even afford a yearly trip home to the people we love and who love us. I feel that we have made every effort to transplant our hearts here and find that the soil is not conducive to establishing good, healthy roots. I feel that if we don't get back to the soil where we thrive, we will wither and die. The kids have made it clear to me that they feel the same way, which gives me leave to express it fully knowing that I am not the only one who knows that this is not where we belong.
No whining, just a statement. This is my manifesto - my proclamation to the world - I don't know how, and I don't now when, but I am going home.

Anniversary

Two years ago today we sold our little house in the Blue Ridge Mountains and headed for the Lone Star State. It is a bittersweet anniversary. It was such a hard thing to say goodbye to my own "little house in the big woods". Having moved so much as a child, I had lived in the same town for over a decade, and in the same house for almost seven years. This was a huge thing to step away from, and continues to be to this day.
This past weekend two young people that I love dearly had their graduations and we weren't there to celebrate with them. Heart wrenching really, but unproductive to dwell on. Life has always had markers - times of happiness and times of pain. In each season, God's faithfulness to us has been the prevailing theme. Even during this time of feeling very isolated from those that I hold so dear - wondering if they remember that their places in our hearts are secure even if our seats at the dinner table, the party, the restaurant, the road trips are otherwise occupied for this season.

Interesting that this is Memorial Day as well. We arrived in Texas in the wee hours of the morning on Memorial Day. While it is a military holiday, it is also a marked memorial in our personal lives. I'm reposting this video of some fun times during our first visit home with our friends - just cause I'm missing them today. We really don't know how to say goodbye - so we just won't - ever!

The Day Everybody Cried

Yesterday was one of those kind of emotional days. All three of my kids at one point were crying. The tears weren't the simple "I fell down and boo booed my knee" kinds of things, they were life-traumas - things that touched the heart.
Kendra was overwhelmed at a situation where she tried to do the right thing and apologize for something she did that was wrong - but was not forgiven. She cares about somebody who has been pulled between two worlds, and is believing a lie. She has had to remove herself from that person for a time, even though it is painful. To top everything off, her friend who was coming to visit her in December now can't come until January - which just made her feel more homesick and alone.
After years of not having her hair cut - and growing it very long Kaitlyn told me about a week ago that she wanted bangs. We have discussed little else over the last week. She has asked me 3,593,264,698 times if she should do it. My friend Tina predicted she would not like it - at least for the first few days, and she was right. Kaitlyn went right to the bathroom and started to cry. When I saw her come out with her hair wadded up in a rubber band, and red, puffy eyes, I knew something was amiss. She loves the bangs, but says the lady took a little too much off of her length - and she "worked so hard" to grow it. (I know what she meant - but we can't actually work to grow our hair now can we?)
On the way home from running errands yesterday, Kullen was very disturbed to find a dog that looked just like our black lab, Jett on the side of the road. He knew it wasn't Jett, but when he started to think about it - the waterworks came on.
Oh brother - it was one of those days. Everybody needed a little extra love.

How Blue

Today was a day when I was really struggling with homesickness. It isn't anything I can explain, but I imagine it must be a lot like grief in that it is triggered by something usually unexplainable, and comes in waves, the ferocity of which you can't anticipate. I have been here for over a year now, and still feel that I do not have one really connected friendship. I am the kind of person who would die if banished to a deserted island. Remember John on the island of Patmos - my visions would have been even freakier!
This evening we were listening to the local Christian radio station and the DJ read these verses out of Matthew from the Message translation:

You are blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and His rule. You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
You're blessed when you're content with just who you are - no more, no less. That's the moment when you find yourselves the proud owner of everything that can't be bought.

These words were so healing - because for a short while today - I was at the end of my rope. These precious words helped me to focus on my Father. Losing the community of friends in WV was a traumatic loss. Some days I manage with the grief, the feeling of space that is always with me. Other days like today - you hear there is a Teddy Bear birthday party that you are missing - and you know the friend that is having it didn't tell you because they didn't want you to hurt, and yet you hurt anyway because there is no win in this situation - you know you are watching their lives from a distance now. When they call or email or send you a letter that says they miss you, you know that something in their day made you cross their mind - but what they don't understand is the hole, their absence in your life is palpable in almost every moment of every day.
We ate dinner out tonight at CiCi's Pizza and I was snippy with Travis through the whole thing and when we were leaving I started to cry. He was pretty patient with me. It was later that I heard those words from Matthew - and it was like a hand reaching down to lift me out of a hole. I am so thankful to have such a loving and compassionate Father that He would cause them to read just the words I needed to hear - I am blessed, even in grief I am blessed.

Be It Ever So Humble, There's No Place Like Home

Ah, nothing makes you appreciate home like going away. I have traveled more times this past year than ever in my entire life, and I have put this theory to the test. No matter how lovely your hosts, how well you are fed, or how beautiful your surroundings, there is nothing like your own bed, and your own home. Even the smell of the house when we walked in was more than just a smell, it was like breathing air again! And regardless of which state this house is in - our family has made this place a home - teeming with laughter, conversation, sometimes tears, and excessive family life!
We had a fantastic time while we were visiting with my sister-in-law, and enjoyed the baby shower for my niece immensely, but I was ready to be home. My hubby was ready for us to be home too. I was so excited because the house looked better than ever after I've been absent for a while, and we made up for four days of kisses and hugs! I am not sure why I missed him so much more this time than usual, but I think God is doing something very special between us.
Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home!

Hodge Podge Happenings

I don't even know what to title this hodge-podge post. There is so much that has happened. The three days of driving wiped me out - and we have been on the go ever since we arrived. On our way we were blessed to stop in Alabama and meet up with the Woodwards. Karen and I have been blogging buddies for going on two years now and I have felt very connected to her family- even when they were far away in Romania. Our visit with them was way too brief, but it was awesome to stop and have a nice meal, stimulating conversation, and share some laughs. They are a precious family.
The night before the formal, my children talked their half-crazy mother into attending the first viewing of Spiderman 3 - which was at midnight! Ugh. And it seems that no matter what time I go to bed, I wake routinely around 7:30-8:00. The formal was wonderful. Here is a picture of my beautiful girls. It has all been great fun, but the lack of rest is catching up with me.
We were very blessed to be able to stay in a house - and have the whole thing to ourselves. Our friends have a home next door to theirs that they bought to host missionary families in transit. It is awesome. Fortunately for us it was currently empty. That has been a tremendous blessing - being able to use a kitchen and do laundry. Awesome. More about this later!
I went tonight to have dinner and play cards with some girlfriends. We met at Helen's house because her husband is out of town. She grilled steaks and made baked potatoes, salad, and had fresh strawberries to serve over pound-cake with whipped cream. Afterwards she made everyone cappuccino that we drank while we played cards. Our favorite game is Golf - nine cards for nine rounds. It is really fun. I always do so-so. We laughed so much and I realize how much this is missing from my life. The friendship, the being yourself and still being loved, the not always having to be "on" so that you can get acquainted with new people.
On my way home I had a good cry. I was thankful for the time in the car by myself. I am SO homesick - this place is my home. Travis and I were talking on the phone yesterday morning, and he was expressing some distress that I might speak badly of Texas. I am not sure when I became the P.R. rep for the "Lone Star" state. I don't have any animosity towards the state of Texas, but it.is.not.my.home. This beautiful place with the river that runs through it, the craggy hills, where I know every back road - this place is my home. I may come to love things about Texas, but for me these "country roads" will always lead the way home.
I may come to feel differently in time - but right now I am so homesick I can hardly enjoy being here.