The Mother Wound I Give

This morning - the overwhelming emotion is melancholy. A sense of sadness for what my kids are feeling. Kullen poured his heart out to me last night. He told me that though he didn't used to want his dad and I to get back together - he did now. He said he thought that his dad had changed and that the fighting would stop. It breaks.my.heart. It takes me back to my 9 year old self, standing in the driveway, begging my parents to fix what was broken, to love each other again, to validate me - the girl with a "real family" and not the girl whose life would always be marked by this horrible sadness.

All I know to do is hold Kullen tight. If he needs to be angry at me, to let that be okay.

He does not know the way the girls do how I pushed further, loved deeper, held on tighter. He doesn't see with any maturity how the neglect and abuse and loneliness choked my spirit, crushed me as a person, until I ceased to do more than surviving, limping around broken and bruised.

My heart aches for this beautiful child who daily is pushing towards manhood, but is still very much my little boy. Oh how I wish I could carry his pain, quiet the brewing storm and tenderly hold and protect him from this.

For so long I had this loop tape that played over and over again that "God hates divorce". How that one little phrase imprisoned me. It took a caring voice to tell me that God hated equally the things I was going through. I thought I would lose His love. I know now that He loves me - period, outside of my actions. He is the one day by day setting me free.

I can only hope that one day, my kids will all understand that I am holding out for a better way for all of us. I stayed as long as I did because I didn't want this hurt for them, but now see with more clarity that by staying I allowed them to be hurt in a different way. This is never what I wanted for any of us.

God help me minimize the damage and maximize the love.

The Autumn of Motherhood

Days seem to slip by gradually. Valuable time is given away to menial chores and mindless activity. I would love to enjoy days with my babies again - fingerpainting on the bathtub walls, thrilled at the prospect of baking cookies - the days when I was their world. They looked to me for answers, protection and provision. Once upon a time, I was their hero. That vanished in an instant. Wondering how this happened seems pointless. We can't go back. Time has moved us here and here it is that we exist, together. I try to look beyond the belligerent attitudes, hear past the sarcastic tongues, and rise above the patronizing ways they've already begun to treat me as if I'm an old lady. We'll manage. One day they too may have to watch their babies grow up and become people they hardly recognize and grieve for days past. I will still be there for them, and try to help them understand.

Life in a Different Frame

There have been a lot of adjustments for my family over the last few months. I am learning to feel safe in my own skin, with my own thoughts - and also evaluate the portion of the things that went wrong in my marriage that were mine. Nobody should ever be bullied, but sometimes when people grow up in sick childhoods, they seek that which is familiar - even participate in creating the toxic environment. I am working on the part of the problem that was solely mine.
I am learning that it is alright to love someone that you might not be able to live with, however permanent or temporary that may be. The question has come up more than once recently whether or not I'm single - and I answer emphatically no. I really don't know what I am, but for now I am content to just take life day by day and embrace the healing that has been extended to me. Every healthy thought, every sane action and reaction is a gift from God.
The landlords where I have been renting have decided to put their house on the market which means the kids and I will be moving again. Everyone talks about how the house won't sell -but I am the one left carrying the fear that my children and I will be given a 30 day notice and have nowhere to go. It was a good opportunity for me to practice clarifying boundaries, when a realtor was brought through my living quarters without forewarning.
My children have been learning autonomy in many areas. I was amazed this week when Kendra made "the best" peach pie I have ever tasted with no instruction whatsoever other than a note left on the table that said "MAKE PEACH PIE". I didn't expect she would actually do it. She also started a new job that she really wanted last week. Kaitlyn has been working part-time all summer at a local day care and arranging her own transportation, has an interview this coming week for an internship at the museum in the local library so she can get her feet wet, and is generally my right arm. Kullen was my hero last night when I heard a mouse in the kitchen. I have no idea how to set a mousetrap. He spent a few minutes researching it on YouTube, and had us all set up. Sometimes I wonder if the kids will look back on this time in life as one of the best or one of the most difficult. It seems that there isn't always a big difference in the two. Often the trials are the times when we're forced to dig in, and the best of us shows up. It seems that this is giving them the opportunity to shine. We all need each other and we are learning how to share our strengths and forgive each other our weaknesses.
I'm learning to love life in a different frame, I just needed time for my eyes to adjust.

Feeling Crusty and Defensive

I had a discussion with my dad today wherein he took issue with homeschooling. Several times recently while discussing some changes going on in our family, it has been said that I needed to "put the kids in school". It really sucks that when I'm already down and out, feeling somewhat vulnerable is when people in my family from whom I most want love, acceptance and support, have chosen to use it to coerce me into the lifestyle they think I should have. Nothing doing.
In our conversation, it was asked if the kids were going to "sit around the house all day?" Is that really what people think we do? Perhaps if these people spent some time with us in our world, they would know better. My kids have always had friends and activities and engagements and lots of social outlets. I don't understand the small thinking that "socialization" is something learned in schools and not in the society at large.
I work hard to respect and love my siblings and the choices they make for their kids. I try to show my step-mother respect for what is important to her as a school secretary. Is it possible I could receive a little of this in return? Can we disagree and choose different things without making value judgments on one another? My kids are amazing, and it is really about damn time that they acknowledge it. If one of my nieces and nephews were shy - they would not blame the public schools. Don't blame homeschooling for my children's personalities. Don't blame homeschooling because they choose to sit with adults or their siblings instead of hanging out with a bunch of whooping, hollering teenagers who they think are idiots. Don't blame homeschooling because my kid doesn't care to play sports. Don't blame homeschooling for everything you think is wrong with my kids - who asked you to evaluate them anyway? Why do we all have to be gray - can't some of us have some color of our own?
When it comes down to it - I will never give up my choices for my family to live the way we see fit. That price is too high. I don't need anything if it comes with strings attached.

Feeling Like a Failure

I have been sobbing on and off for the last hour. I am certain some of it is hormonal, but it doesn't make the things I am feeling any less legitimate. It may just effect the way I manage those feelings.
I feel like a failure.
My oldest child is going to have her last "childhood" Christmas with us, and I am going to scrape to be able to do anything for her.... I know I should be thankful that I can give her something - but I think about the day she was born and how I wanted to do well in life - for her sake. I wanted to give her so much more. Not materially - but a full life. I just wonder if she's had it.
The younger two are pining away for West Virginia - and the friends and good times they knew there. Cookie baking days, Christmas parties, making gingerbread houses, shopping trips, ornament making, hanging out with friends for long winter days while the moms Christmas shop together - - and I don't know when or if they'll ever have that again. I have tried to muster up the energy to plan some of those things here - but I am really struggling and can't seem to plan a thing.
The larger these feelings get the less functional I am and the worse I feel.
I feel like a spectator in the lives of others, from a distance with my friends in WV, and the one who just isn't in the inner circle of things here. And I feel so bad that even if someone invited me shopping, to a movie or over for cookies and egg nog - if I had the day off I wouldn't be good company.
I know there are worse things in the world - but this is swallowing me right now. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

Tired

There has been a huge issue going on in our house lately and I am at a loss. I live with people who want to live here and reap all the benefits of doing so - a roof over their heads, air conditioning, internet access, clean towels for bathing, hot water, a soft place to lay their heads. It's no resort hotel, but it is very comfortable living. We pay the bills, maintain the environment, transport people to and fro, and bend over backwards to increase the enjoyment of their lives. Those same people are asked to do their part to share the load. As a work-at-home mom, I have a lot going on and feel often that I am pulled in many different directions. I have to have reinforcements, especially with extras in our home. I have asked for help. I have begged for help. I have tried punishing them - which really isn't my style of parenting. I want to live in a relationship of love and respect. I do my part, and I want to rest and know that they are doing theirs. What I get is some half-hearted, last-ditch, modicum effort so that they can say they tried to do what was asked of them - and then skate out the door on their merry way to whatever fun awaits them. It is running me personally into the ground, and I am going to crash and burn very soon. They won't be punished but I can assure you that they will not be going anywhere. This morning I took them to work and redid everything that they were supposed to do - or finished it. Travis says to ground them - take away the phone, computer, etc. but in essence what that does is punish all of us. I want to live free - I don't want to follow people around making sure they are doing things. It is so frustrating. I am furious. I am hurt. I feel taken advantage of in the worst way - my labor for their fun.
I don't expect any solutions, I just needed to vent.

The "L" Word

Having blogged here previously about dating, I have created a nice platform to segue into this post about the "L" word, love. The English language seems inadequate in its ability to articulate the full extent of the meaning of this word. Theologian C.S. Lewis describes the four loves based in part on the four Greek words for love in his book of the same name: The Four Loves.

storge - στοργη - fondness through familiarity, especially between family members of people who have otherwise found themselves together by chance

philia - φιλια - friendship or brotherly love - the city Philadelphia meaning "the city of brotherly love" has its origins in this word for love - it is called a strong bond between people who share a common interest or activity

eros - έρως - this word is connected with the sense of being in love - it is more romantically inclined and more sexual in nature - the love shared between a man and a woman

agape - αγαπη - this type of love is not dependent on reciprocation - it is unconditional and typically only fully expressed in the love of God

We say we love a philly cheesesteak and our best friend with the same word, and it has left us lacking something. A mother's heart grows faint and her knees go weak when she hears her child say that she loves - detecting the difference in the love that means affection and the sense of being "in love". She describes feelings she has never had before, and I know that this is either the start of something special or the path to a terrible heartbreak.
And I must let it happen. I am a spectator. This is her life. I want to jump right in the middle with both feet and warn him of the terrible fate that will befall him should the latter be the outcome. I don't anticipate anything of the sort, and it is really an empty threat. As a mother I want to say don't throw your heart around loosely, don't give your love away too freely - but knowing that I have always modeled loving with reckless abandon, how could I expect them to do anything less? I know that the workings of human interaction is a delicate thing. I know that this is all their story to write, and their joy to pursue. I get to have a front row seat, which is pretty awesome right now. Maybe they'll be the lucky ones who will be able to turn the "L" word will turn into the "F" word - forever.

School Stories

My kids love it when my husband and I tell stories of things that happened in the past, things we did as kids, things they did. Earlier today we were sitting around the table after a late lunch, and we were telling them how when we were in school you couldn't talk, virtually anywhere. I know that we could talk quietly at lunch, but if it got too loud we would lose the privilege. I even remember one school among the 20+ that I attended where there was no talking on the playground!
I told the kids a story of myself in the 1st or 2nd grade - sitting at the lunch table with a group of classmates. Some lemon-sucking faced teacher came over to the table and said, "This table is being too noisy!" As she walked away, I slammed my fist down and said, "SHUT UP table!" I spent the rest of lunchtime in the corner of the lunchroom.
The kids thought this story was hilarious! You can see my wit even then! Hardy har har.

Only Here

I have to preface this to say that when I was in elementary school, we lived in southern Florida not far from the Everglades National Park. My first step-father worked for the airlines and had to go out once to assist with a rescue of a rather horrific plane crash where people that survived the crash were now fighting to survive the alligators. Shudder the thought.
This morning Travis and I were watching the news and saw an advertisement of a special 4th of July event taking place locally where you can let your children swim with alligators.
Just to assure parents, they did tape the alligators mouths shut.
I don't think so.

One of the Best Things

One of the best things about the way my kids have grown up is how close they are to each other. If they had left the house every day and led their own lives, being oriented to the peers who had the same reading or math abilities, they may have missed out on one of the best gifts in life - their siblings. Our move to Texas has played an even bigger part in this process, as during that first year they only had each other - the three of them. The girls share a special closeness as sisters that I only ever tasted briefly in the confidences of sisters whom I did not live with, but loved all the same. Here is a little glimpse at their closeness:

Kendra has had a job for about 5 months now at a little restaurant in a town not too far away. She wanted a job as soon as we moved, but since she was only 15 we tried our best to slow her down. It wasn't very hard as there are few jobs available for teenagers in our area that aren't in the fast food industry. She started working shortly before she turned 17. A couple of days ago she came home from work with an application for her sister. Kaitlyn is 14 - turning 15 in a few weeks. My first instinct was to discourage it, but then I realized, she always gets to do things sooner than Kendra because her sister has paved the way. They could work together and Kendra could look out for her. (Although if you know them, you know that it is probably the other way around!) The thing is, Kendra said she was so excited when the manager said he would hire her sister that her co-workers were perplexed, saying things like, "I'd kill my sister if she worked with me." to which Kendra replied, "My sister is my best friend."

Now if that doesn't just give a mama's heart warm fuzzies all over! The best part is that I know it's true. Kullen on the other hand was not too thrilled. In fact devastated might be a better way to describe his reaction. He hates his oldest sister being gone all the time, and now the possibility of the other one being gone more often was a bit more than he could handle. I won't say there were tears involved, but let's say that something on somebody's face was leaking.
We'll all have some serious growing pains over the next several years as they start making their way in the world a little more separated from one another than they are used to, but I think we'll come out on the other end, still extremely close at heart.

As a little disclaimer, the picture here is over a year old. They're both going to hate it!

Updates and a Confession

It made my heart grow faint when I saw this message on my dashboard "scheduled outage at 2:00 PM PDT". It says only 10 minutes. Okay - I can handle that.
An update on the FaxZero service - works like a charm. The only issue I can see is that you can only send .doc (Word) documents or .pdf (Adobe Acrobat) documents. I have used both the free fax and the $1.99 faxing options. They both went through successfully - so have at it.
And.... if you've read here more than once you know that I'm pretty upfront with things. I share my heart unabashedly; the good, the bad, the ugly, the partially processed thoughts and the thoughts with fillers (think of your brain as SPAM). So I have a wee confession of sorts to make, as they say confession is good for the soul. I have been a neglectful mother. I have been under a tremendous amount of stress because of our financial situation - which is extreme in ways I cannot express fully here out of respect for the privacy of others. That stress has led me to hole up on my computer - and while I have been busy in ways that are productive - working on my planner, writing assignments, helping friends, going way overboard with my job - because I can immerse myself there and zone out. Yep - I've kept up with the housework, cooked meals, planned things - but I haven't been really tuned in as a mom. Can anybody relate to that half-listening state and the feeling of just wanting to be left alone? It isn't them. It is totally me. I don't want to be asked for something I can't give. I can't take another expectation, question, heart to heart because I am kinda spent - and the biggest drain is stress. Please pray for us - because in the next week to 10 days, we will either have relief or our situation will increase a hundred-fold. I can feel it in my neck, my back, my head.
This evening, the kids and I are going to a local water park for a few hours reprieve. I am going to squeeze my chubby little butt into a bathing suit and go float some of my cares away on the lazy river with my kids. I will not think about anything else. I will laugh. I will enjoy their smiles. I will look them in the eye. I will remember what a privilege it is to be their mom.
Thanks for letting me spew a bit. You can wipe yourselves off now!

What's All the Fizz About?

It used to be that we were trying to keep the soda consumption in our home down. Way down. In fact we go for months at a time without buying any of the 2 liter bottles - but we don't make an issue about it if the kids want soda when we eat out. The girls are often choosing to drink lemonade and tea when we eat out. But recently there is a new enemy - the energy drink. I am personally really sensitive to caffeine - it doesn't make me hyper - but it causes rapid heartbeat, so I've never had more than a sip of the stuff.
We've even noticed that among our very health conscious friends, the same people who turn down sweets and junk food turn to these drinks and I am wondering if they realize the contradiction. My husband has forbidden our kids to drink them because of the effects they have had on him, and with good reason according to this article. All things in moderation - right? Maybe not.
I have wondered about the possible contradiction since we love to drink coffee. An 8 oz. cup of coffee has on average about 85 mg. of caffeine while the caffeine in 8 oz. of an energy drink varies from 50-145. Mountain Dew which was the taboo-rebel drink of my teen years compares with only 37 mg. of caffeine! But here's the kick - many of the energy drinks have 3-4 times that 8 oz. serving. (To be fair - the average coffee mug is at least double that as well!)
Some other ingredients in energy drinks:

• Taurine - which appears to play an important role in muscle contraction especially in the heart and the nervous system. A German double-blind study on this showed that the volume of blood ejected with each beat of the heart was increased in drinks containing this ingredient.
  
• Guarana - is a tropical berry that grows in the Amazon and is an additional stimulant like caffeine but not - and provides a unique flavor
• L Carnitine - is an amino acid usually created by your liver and kidneys that increases your metabolism and energy levels. It is also known to stimulate heart rate.
  

There are other things that energy drinks contain that seem to support health, such as Ginseng, Gingko Biloba, Vitamin B and antioxidants (I'll stick with my blueberries thanks!), but it seems hard to justify the bad with the good. I read about a dozen articles and it seems that the jury is still out on the immediate or long-term effects on mixing all of these things together. Another interesting practice is mixing the energy drinks with alcohol to inhibit the depressant effects, enabling users to consume more alcohol without feeling it. We can all see the dangers of this.
My son is 10 and one of the most exciting things in his life is the thought of an energy drink. He drinks them at his friends' houses, parties, etc. - but dad said no more. My husband doesn't put his foot down about much, but this would be like giving a razor knife to a baby in his book.
Bye bye Red Bull. So long So Be. Vamoose Vault. Move-along Monster.

What are your thoughts?

Antioxidants, Anyone?

Oh yes we did.
I think we picked about 13 pounds between us.
I ate like a little girl, pulling warm berries off the bushes as the rain clouds came rolling in, and showered us before we left. I did offer to pay for our consumption. I seriously could not help myself. We were kindly told that was part of the whole berry picking experience.
Adult reservation is highly overrated.
I had a moment in Maine with Sal today.
I can predict the future. I see blueberry cobbler, blueberry muffins, blueberry pancakes and blueberry jam.

Lost in the Thicket

Yesterday evening the girls and I took a walk on one of the local trails and took in a little nature and some deep conversation. It was some of the inspiration for the new header on this blog. It was nice, just the three of us in the woods without any interruption.
East Texas is quite beautiful in the spring, with areas that literally look carpeted with ferns, pitcher plants, and flowers. In a few months the heat will make the outdoors less than enjoyable so spring here is when nature really shines. We walked quietly for a while, noticing animal tracks and the carnivorous plants that are indigenous to the area. But what could be more natural than our conversation turning to God.
The girls were both telling me how they feel far away from God. It hurt to realize that I was part of indoctrinating my children into a system of religion and obligation. It is hard to undo. It is difficult to articulate things to them in a way that doesn't cause them to think as I once would have that I have completely abandoned my faith. It scares me a little bit to see them free to love and worship God outside the confines of what the religious world tells us it should look like, and encourage them to step out for what will be certain scrutiny by the "church". I was fumbling with the words, and at the same time so excited that we were touching on something that is so life changing that they were spilling out in rapid succession. The church would tell us if we don't feel close to God to "dig deeper", chase harder, press in, pray more, read the Bible more, sweat, toil and strive towards Him. Although some of these things may have value, they also seem much more like vain human effort. Might I even be so bold as to suggest without offending my readers, that the attempt to conjure up this feeling of "being close to God" closely resembles witchcraft. The truth is that we are never far from Father. He was there with us in the woods, and when we sat eating dinner, and when we were laughing until we cried last night teasing each other. He is there. Our lives are to be a celebration of Him in all we do.
One of the girls attended church with a friend this past week, and was telling me it is where she feels the most uncomfortable anymore is in church. The music is repetitive, and the teachings are hollow especially where the youth are concerned, and no matter where you go, it is all predictable, even across denominational lines. We talked about every conversation with anyone who finds out that you don't attend church coming to this awkward place where you know they have an agenda to fix you, get you "in church", etc. Much of this is done in misguided love, and I hold no resentment, but it is a clear indicator that so many have traded relationship for formula, and intimacy for corporate worship.
We talked about how the Bible wasn't originally split into chapters and verses, and how what was often meant as a living narrative saying "see how this person walked" is often taken and broken into itty bitty pieces and given to us as a "do A, B, C and reap D" plan. It can be used in such a way as to almost omit God altogether.
I was sharing with my girls, my testimony of how this is all deconstructing for me. I feel a lot like a butterfly just out of the cocoon, too aware of the shortness of my life to let fear keep me from flying. Even in my worst moments now, I know that I have not changed in His sight. I am not on the treadmill of guilt and obligation anymore. It set me up to feel deep down inside that I could never measure up. Even while I have come to these conclusions for my own life, I have still wanted my kids to remain where it seemed safe, just in case I was wrong. I am sorry that I haven't shared with them more through this journey that I have been internalizing so much. I know that it was Father who got us alone in the woods together yesterday, and I am so thankful He did. I can trust Him completely with their hearts as well as my own.

Pay it Forward to Yourself

A few years ago, a new movie came out called Pay it Forward, (I looked it up - it was actually 8 years!) and with it a whole movement of Random Acts of Kindness. I don't know about you, but I have to be reminded sometimes not to get so caught up in my own little world. It is especially difficult when I am busy not to notice the needs of those around me. I have recently started watching Oprah's Big Give on abc.com, and it has really moved me. While I don't have a pile of money to give away, I have limitless resources such as a smile, a kind word, a thoughtful act.
At home finding these opportunities is easy - being gentle when someone has offended or done a wrong. Let's clarify to say the finding is easy, the acting is not. I think Jesus gave us the ultimate example of paying it forward, in laying down His life for us that we might in turn lay it down for others. If I can look at it in these terms instead of a religious obligation, it is a blessing and not a burden.
Yesterday was a long day, and I found an opportunity near the end of it to pay it forward. I really didn't want to. We had gotten up and rushed off early in the morning with much chaos at home for what turned into an almost 5 hour rehearsal. I stayed in the city instead of coming home, and ran some errands = no down time. Then we had to be back at the co-op building for ballroom dance classes. In the midst of all that I had about 800 emails (not an exaggeration) in my inbox that I knew I needed to sort through, 100 blurbs to write, and a ton of other things I've been flagging and backlogging during the busy week - although I've still managed to work my regular hours. I wanted to turn on my laptop and utilize that time to work through my emails just so I wouldn't have it to deal with when I got home at 11 that night. But I had promised to talk to the kids, 10 and 11 year old boys and girls that are helping to serve food at the ballroom dance tonight, about proper etiquette for servers. They were all bouncing off the walls, jumping rope, wrestling, running up and down the halls - and for most of the adults there this meant trouble. There was one boy in particular that slammed a couple of girls to the ground, in his zeal to steal a jumprope. Their energy level was only increasing. They did sit still for a five minute talk about how the serving was going to work, and various random things I could think of like how not to put your thumb in the plate you are carrying, etc. although I doubt much of it stuck. Then it occurred to me that there was a big empty playground outside. The weather was perfect. I decided to put my work aside for a while, and take the kids out into the beautiful evening weather. I sat on a huge wooden swing by the playground that is under a canopy of majestic trees with these kids who were just so fantastic. Different girls came and sat with me sporadically and told me how weird they thought my son was, how they don't like snakes, and a various assortment of topics. I overlooked a lot of things that other adults would never let them do, and watched with delight while they overturned a plastic hippo in search of salamanders, some of the girls getting brave enough to reach in and get them and run let them outside the fence so that the boys couldn't get them (they were saving them). There were several rounds of Hide'n' Go Seek in the fading light. It was some leisure, taking in the beauty of childhood in a gorgeous setting, and a chance to just sit and breathe in and out. There were no expectations. I just got to hang out with 8 pretty terrific kids on a beautiful evening. I thought I was doing something nice for them, but I think I am the one who benefited the most from our evening on the playground.

And a Little Child Shall Lead Them

The title to this post could be one of those six word memoirs in itself - because in my experience we can learn so much from children. I was so sad when I read the memoir at the beginning of the video by Hemingway when asked to sum up his life story in six words - For Sale: Baby Shoes, Hardly Worn.
Man, don't I get that!
But a short while ago, while taking my girls to ballroom dancing, I was passing a table full of elementary school aged children putting together a puzzle, and a little boy said this:

You gotta just let go sometimes!

I think I found a new one. I am hearing six word snippets everywhere - but this one was especially profound!

The Power of "Because I Said So"

Today I got to thinking about how far from my childhood I have come as a parent. My parents liked to use - if not the words - at least the "Because I said so" mentality. You were a child. You were to be seen and not heard.
But the other day, I asked one of my kids to do something, and they did what they "thought" I wanted instead, and I actually heard myself say, "Don't think, just do what I say." *gasp*
This is absolutely the opposite of what I want my children to do.
I always want them to think.
I never want them to do something just because someone says so without evaluating it - not with anal intensity, but with common sense, practicality, wisdom.
I couldn't believe I said it - but I heard myself and made a speedy correction.
The thing is that in a relationship of mutual respect and trust, cooperation comes more readily. It has taken me a long time to learn this. It has been a trip to learn that I don't have to control my kids or exert authority over them because I have the power to do so. This is the kind of parent that God is with me - He allows natural consequences of my actions, but He never exerts the power that is His just because He can.
I do not always do this well -often reverting to the natural hard-wiring. Today we were in the car and I asked Kaitlyn to squirt some hand-sanitizer in her brother's hand. Instead she gave it to him. I had a list of reasons why I wanted her to do it the way I said it - it wouldn't get put away, it gets laid on the floor, stepped on, and squirted across the carpet, it won't be where it should be when we need it again, etc. I just didn't want to take the time to tell her all of them. I got aggravated with her when she did it "her" way instead of mine, instead of letting her know why it was important to do it the way I requested. The thing is - if one of my friends were in the car, and did just the same thing, I would take the time to explain it to them. Why do my kids deserve any less? What do I teach them when I get aggravated and irritated and expect blind obedience instead of sharing with them why it matters to me that it is done a certain way.
This is just one example - maybe some of you are thinking - so what about the dang hand sanitizer. This is just the most recent example I have - work with me!

Enjoy it For Now

The girls went to a high school Valentine's party at a friend's house tonight, and the girls are staying to sleep over. Kullen is also friends with the brother, and was invited to come, hang out, and spend the night there. (He was totally jazzed about this!) The girls were dressing up - and they looked so beautiful I just had to take some pictures. I'm sharing a couple, but you can see them all here.
It has been so quiet here tonight. I did have some quiet time alone snuggling with Travis until he passed out from the long day at work.
I have really enjoyed the quiet time to myself - but at the same time I miss the kids. I hate going to sleep without them in the house. I know the day will come when all too soon, they won't be coming home to sleep - and I do not look forward to that day.
When I saw them tonight, all dressed up it just took my breath away. My baby girls are growing up so fast, and so is my little boy. I wish I knew how to always be present in these days - to truly enjoy every moment. It seems to elude me.
Right now they're probably listening to loud music, laughing with friends and creating memories and new inside jokes, eating junk food and drinking soda. Kullen just called to tell me goodnight - but he didn't seem very interested. For the first time ever, it seemed he thought I hugged him too long before I left him at the party.
Oh well, I won't dwell on this right now. I'll drink my hot tea, read a book, and go to bed knowing that I will wake up to a nice, quiet house tomorrow morning! For now, I will enjoy it!

About Those Kids

I saw this Look-alike Meter thing on Renae, my fellow Texan but nowhere near being my neighbor's blog! I did get different results depending on the different pictures I used of my kids - which goes to show that they are a unique blend of their mother and father and it comes out at different times - but all in all is the perfect combination!
It was pretty fun. I think I enjoyed this even more than the celebrities - since we hear so many people say this one looks exactly like their dad - or that one looks exactly like their mom used to when she was young. (Nobody actually says that - nobody actually remembers what I look like when I was young.)
Anyway - enjoy - and do let me know if you post your results.
Oh yes - and word to the wise - be sure when you get to the "post it on your blog" section you are careful to remove your last name if you don't want to publicize this info. I had to go through mine twice to get this removed.

Delightful Children

Okay, just in case that last post was a bit too poetic for you - with all the hullabaloo about my kids pursuing their dreams and destiny - I will have to admit that most of that currently centers around computers (Myspace, Project Playlist, YouTube, etc.) or the Sony PSP complete with the Darth Vader icon that one little boy got for Christmas. This afternoon we watched the movie Romeo and Juliet together which was pretty cool, and the two youngest have been obsessively watching King Kong. (That is one LOOOONNNGGG movie!) We went out this afternoon and they cheered me on as I attempted to balance my two butt cheeks, of which I am convinced one is fatter than the other and continually threw me off center. They were so proud of me for persevering. (I rode ten minutes and how is it that the dang bike seat hurts when I've got so much padding?)
But the previous post was inspired by this....
Yesterday afternoon, my heart stopped. I was at a meeting with high school moms pre-planning for next year's co-op - precious, gorgeous women. I sat there with my white shirt that sported evidence of the blackberry yogurt I had eaten for a snack, and shrunk down sort of like Edith Ann in the great big chair when one mom asked me what my daughter who will be a senior needed next year. These questions are so foreign to me. The question wasn't out of line - it was just that we come from two different worlds. I know a lot of homeschool parents are on this track - planning out classes for their children and often their futures. I don't think like that. If my children choose to go to college, then I will assist them in any way that they request in pursuing that route. Whatever they choose to pursue, barring prostitute or drug dealer, they will have my full support. I want my kids to live joyful lives of their choosing. If college is in or out of the picture, great either way. If getting married and having children is part of what they choose to paint into their lives, I hope they choose wisely and love deeply. If they want to join the circus and ride an elephant everyday in a sequined body suit, and marry a 3 ft. tall guy named Rollo - they have my blessing (well the girls do anyway) and I'll buy a ticket for a front row seat of every show.
What could be better than that?