Life in a Different Frame

There have been a lot of adjustments for my family over the last few months. I am learning to feel safe in my own skin, with my own thoughts - and also evaluate the portion of the things that went wrong in my marriage that were mine. Nobody should ever be bullied, but sometimes when people grow up in sick childhoods, they seek that which is familiar - even participate in creating the toxic environment. I am working on the part of the problem that was solely mine.
I am learning that it is alright to love someone that you might not be able to live with, however permanent or temporary that may be. The question has come up more than once recently whether or not I'm single - and I answer emphatically no. I really don't know what I am, but for now I am content to just take life day by day and embrace the healing that has been extended to me. Every healthy thought, every sane action and reaction is a gift from God.
The landlords where I have been renting have decided to put their house on the market which means the kids and I will be moving again. Everyone talks about how the house won't sell -but I am the one left carrying the fear that my children and I will be given a 30 day notice and have nowhere to go. It was a good opportunity for me to practice clarifying boundaries, when a realtor was brought through my living quarters without forewarning.
My children have been learning autonomy in many areas. I was amazed this week when Kendra made "the best" peach pie I have ever tasted with no instruction whatsoever other than a note left on the table that said "MAKE PEACH PIE". I didn't expect she would actually do it. She also started a new job that she really wanted last week. Kaitlyn has been working part-time all summer at a local day care and arranging her own transportation, has an interview this coming week for an internship at the museum in the local library so she can get her feet wet, and is generally my right arm. Kullen was my hero last night when I heard a mouse in the kitchen. I have no idea how to set a mousetrap. He spent a few minutes researching it on YouTube, and had us all set up. Sometimes I wonder if the kids will look back on this time in life as one of the best or one of the most difficult. It seems that there isn't always a big difference in the two. Often the trials are the times when we're forced to dig in, and the best of us shows up. It seems that this is giving them the opportunity to shine. We all need each other and we are learning how to share our strengths and forgive each other our weaknesses.
I'm learning to love life in a different frame, I just needed time for my eyes to adjust.

I Take Issue with That!

I read this quote from a 1908 publication called "What a Young Wife Ought to Know" reprinted in a current magazine this morning and it got me all worked up:

"A true woman would hardly care to exchange her delicate instinct, her deftness of finger her versatile mind - which enables her to do the many little and great things in our everyday home-life equally well - her quick perception, her motherly all-aroundness, her sweet womanly loveliness, for any other marketable thing, or any other characteristic or capability attained by culture or training. A true woman is a woman, and she does not desire to be anything else unless she can add it to her womanliness."

Where to start.
First of all - I lack all "delicate instinct". I am awkward, rambunctious, easily provoked to raucous laughter - but delicate I am not. I believe God made me - at the basic level - the person that I am, and after years of resisting this and trying to be someone that I am not, I am finally comfortable with the fact that I am not a wilting flower. I believe God made women in all shapes, sizes, colors, and yes, personality too. He created each of us individually - to be different, and to bring glory to Him through our uniqueness. Our creative God did not make us cookie cutter people - but rejoiced in his ability to put together so many different combinations.
I take offense at this idea that we are to use our "versatile mind" only for the home or it is some blemish on our womanliness. Do all of our pursuits not benefit our families? How is it that men may pursue their dreams, follow their ambitions and creativity where they lead and if women do the same outside of their homes, they have committed some terrible crime? We can have our identity as wives and mothers mean so much that we fail to be individuals.
I have been a stay-at-home mom for all of my children's lives until recently. I have always done something - babysitting, cleaning houses, computer work at home, etc. to bring in some extra income to help make ends meet. My times at home with my family have always been my favorite, but I've done it because that was the desire of my heart and not because there was some unwritten standard that I would be less of a woman if I did not. I have seen women crash and burn after divorce because they had all of who they were wrapped up in their families, including my own mother. My mother was not blameless - but she lost who she was when the man she married at 16 decided he didn't want to be married to her anymore, and she never recovered.
Last night, I was feeling rather overwhelmed. I saw women come through my line happily spending money on Christmas gifts and enjoying the season and I felt so envious. They got to go home that evening to their families. They didn't have to drive home at almost 1 am and hope they would be awake and alert enough not to hit a deer, or drive off the road because they were so tired. Then I thought of my co-workers - one who has to leave for work before her 4th grader gets off the bus and has to walk 2 blocks home to stay for the evening with a handicapped grandma while she works. One lady is so tired that her eyes never look like more than little slits. One lady works nights because she is taking care of a 21 year old daughter who is a paraplegic during the day. These women are true women, doing what is required, as I am to make it through the day, whether working out of their homes or not. Their deftness of finger, versatile mind and quick perception are often expended in their workplace and not their home. It is easy to sit back in a padded chair with a comfy life and make judgments on these women - but get in the trenches with them for a little while and you'll see - they are women just like you.

I Miss You

Yep - I have been absent from my blog a bit in the last week or so. My computer crashed and we had to send it packing - literally to HP so they could replace the motherboard. This happened after Travis and I did much hair-pulling (our own hair, not each other's) trying to troubleshoot the issue with technical support.
Life has been a whirlwind. I have been working about 20-25 hours a week. I still like my job, but I get home late a lot of nights. Travis and I have been spending much more time together - which is excellent - but also means I have less time to blog.
Just wanted you to know, my dear bloggy buddies, that although I may not be posting much - it is because life is offering me many opportunities to live outside the blog for now. I do miss you and hope to catch up with each of you very soon.

Again

I think I am going to have to change my blog name "The Whining".
I am so overwhelmed again - I just called Travis at work, just to be sure that he got his paycheck before I go grocery shopping. I have done that before and the payroll person was out sick and needless to say put us in a not good situation with our checking account. I asked him how much his check was for and he gave me two figures.
Optimist that I am...I thought something good had happened to us - as we thought he was being shorted some pay the first several weeks he was at this job that started at the end of April. Nope. It took a second for it all to sink in when he said that he got a pink slip with it.
Another layoff.
Things were finally going better. With the economic stimulus check we seemed to get on top of our finances. I actually sat down the other day and for the first time since October I planned a quarterly budget.
1/4th of my back has been on lockdown for about a week - and seemed to be loosening. My cycle is all messed up. My left jawline has begun breaking out in huge, painful acne-like blemishes unlike anything I've ever had. The stress is really taking its toll. I have a friend in the same boat - which makes me feel none better - just really sympathetic. I feel like I can't get a good breath - and keep doing that sigh where you reflexively suck in air really hard with a reverse hiccup-like contraction like you did when you were small and cried too hard.
I don't know what to do - Travis said there will be other jobs at the union hall. Maybe.
I can't take the instability.

Once a Mommy.... Always a Mommy

I have a little confession to make - I have rarely seen my 17 year old daughter sleep. Kendra was a high-strung baby. I say this with much kindness as she likely inherited the trait from me. She hardly ever slept. My parents have few memories of my childhood, but they both agreed that I would lay in bed even as a very small child and recite every nursery rhyme, sing every song I knew, etc. to keep from going to sleep. I hated the thought of missing anything.
Kendra has not ever had the "in bed by 8" routine. Perhaps it was Kendra who trained us to let her sleep when she was tired instead of an arbitrary bedtime. When she was a baby, her daddy worked nights, so she and I would wait until he got home from work around midnight before we went to bed.
Last night we were all up very late, but she had to go to work this morning. She came home a little while ago and was laying on the floor in her bedroom listening to Frank Sinatra on her MP3 player because she was too tired to remove the clothes and paper and books off of the bed. I cleared it off and suggested she lay down. To my surprise she did just that, and she has been sound asleep for almost an hour now. I keep finding myself tip-toeing down the hallway to peek in on her, just like she was a baby. I am so not used to her being asleep when I'm awake. We never do things quite the orthodox way - Kendra and I - but we seem to figure it out along the way together. Sweet dreams baby girl.

I've Been Robbed

I heard this little statistic on the radio this morning. The report was that a stay-at-home mom, if she were compensated for her duties with home and family would bring in an annual salary of $117,000. They said if you work from home, you can add $65,000. I actually cannot find any information on how this was actually computed but it did say that the biggest payoff is overtime. No doubt. But even on my worst days, this is the best job in the world with immense fringe benefits.

I Don't Know HOW He Does It

This morning, I woke up and saw that Travis was gone - again. After working 12 hour days all week, he is also going to work today and tomorrow and never miss a beat before starting over again on Monday. After all the layoffs through Thanksgiving and Christmastime, he is glad to have the work to help us catch up. I did the math the other day - he will be working an 84 HOUR work week. He leaves between 5:30 - 6 in the morning and gets home around 9 at night. He is so tired. I am practically putting food in his hands as he passes by on his way to bed. I have been packing him some extra good lunches, making sure he has an extra sandwich and snacks for the long day, keeping on top of his laundry and laying out clothes and a clean towel for his shower, as well as making sure that the coffee pot is set to go so he has fresh, hot coffee in the morning. This morning I woke to a note that said, "Thanks for taking such good care of me while I am working these long hours. I couldn't do it without you." A little appreciation goes a long way - I love that guy.

Sell Yourself!

Now those of you whose minds went directly to the gutter, shame on you! I don't mean that! I went to meet with the General Manager of the local newspaper today about possibly doing some outsourced work for them. Late yesterday evening when I was just about to leave to go and meet Kendra for dinner, he emailed me an application. This was not just any application - it has an essay question. He also asked me to sketch and advertisement selling me. As my friend Keet would say, "sweet Jesus in the morning". I had to be creative with very little time. Fortunately I work well under pressure, and took the assignment to the next level and did my black & white advertisement digitally! I just thought I'd share - and see what my voyeuristic friends think of this little ad about me - does it ring true? Did I get even close?
This was a very difficult task! What would you say about yourself?

LOST in a Whirlwind

My husband called and woke me up this morning on his way to work and informed me that there was a severe thunderstorm anticipated - where two storms were converging one from the north (the cooler air) and one from the south (the warmer air). He also added - before my first cup of coffee - that this was tornado weather. He's real thoughtful that way.
All I know about tornadoes is that supposedly the atmosphere gets a greenish tinge right before a tornado strikes. Everytime I look out the window, all I can see is......you guessed it - GREEN! You'd think I was in Ireland! So I'm trying not to worry about it - ha!
In other news - not the whirlwind that is the tornado, but the whirlwind that is my life, I saw an ad in the newspaper yesterday for a graphic designer for the local paper - and I emailed them that I wasn't interested in full-time work - which is what they were advertising - but if they needed someone who was proficient in Adobe Photoshop CS3 and the Microsoft Office programs, I would be interested in talking to them about some freelance work. They want to interview me right away. Aaaahhhck! It is a good thing - I called my mother-in-law to be sure and she said yes, this was good. We'll see. I expected immediate rejection since I stated clearly that I was unavailable for full-time work. Who knows what will come of this. I would be totally excited to work for a newspaper - although still not writing - which is my true love. But a foot in the door is a foot in the door.
Also, I may be missing the season premiere of LOST - as my gorgeous daughter has invited me to be her guest at the "mock opening" of the restaurant where she will be working. The day shift is serving the night shift at 6:30 and the night shift is serving the day shift at 7:30. They can each bring one guest and she has asked her mommy! How could LOST be more important than being an honored guest of my most fabulous girl. (Y'all fill me in later!)

Eccentric Mama #2

This morning I was about to take my 16 yo daughter to her 2nd day of training at her new job - which she is way excited about. Yesterday she woke up late, detailed here in her "Superwaitress" post. This morning she had that alarm set, turned up loud and was in the shower before I had finished my first cup'a joe. She was looking all spiffy, and ran past my bedroom saying, "Mom, are you ready? We gotta go!" I was ready except I was still in my PJ pants which I contemplated wearing for the quick ride in the car. In mid change - after PJ pants removal, and before putting on the jeans, I decided to help my daughter not take herself too seriously. I threw my shoes on with my sweatshirt and underpants, and grabbed my purse and keys and headed down the hall toward the front door. The problem with this ingenious plan of mine is that I started laughing hysterically. I can never play stuff like this cool - as I usually find it funnier than anyone else.
We are going to pick her up at noon and run some errands. They actually start "working" tomorrow so I thought after we shopped for fabric for the dresses (what have I gotten myself into?) I thought to celebrate her last day of freedom, we might try to catch a matinee. The girls want to see 27 Dresses and Kullen of course wants to see Rambo. Maybe we'll have to see two - I refer you here to the Eccentric Mama post #1.

Shhh! I Have a Secret

When I'm at co-op, sometimes people think I'm hard at work.
In reality
I'm reading your blogs.

I can't help myself.
I need a 12 step plan or something.

I'm Toast!

Travis and I worked many hours last night on his resume. This morning we were up bright and early heading to the employment office - which on a fluke just happened to be closed because the 3 staff members were all at a training. Go figure! Welcome to life in rural Texas! I also had a run in with a lady at the Department of Human Services. I called to ask some questions - and she hung up on me while. I. was. talking. Now excuse me - I tried to have a gracious attitude about how she treated me - and considered that all day long she has to deal with people who want something for nothing. I tried very hard to keep this in mind - but the bottom line is that there is no excuse for rudeness. Regardless of the circumstances, people are often dealing with her at some of the most vulnerable times of their lives. A sympathetic ear, a kind word, a smile, and some understanding on even the most basic of levels can go a long way. I am definitely lodging a formal complaint - AFTER we are not in their system. Ugh.
Anyway - it has been a long day. We have looked tons of things up on the internet, made a jillion phone calls, printed out resumes, filled out applications, talked to people about how to search through the "workforce" website, and on and on and on. In the midst of that - we had "Family Night" at co-op tonight and so we were running around from early morning until almost 10:00 tonight. I am exhausted!

Being Tired is a Good Thing

Yesterday we had Kendra's friend-that-is-a-boy's mom and step-dad over for dinner. I got up and did some much overdo housework, and then ran to the grocery store. I made two huge pans of lasagna, homemade garlic bread and a huge salad full of all kinds of stuff! Dinner was nice, but it was very late as they had commitments until 7:30.
Today I had a bunch of work to catch up with after a busy week. I finally reached the end of my inbox and then I had to run and make a deposit at the bank. I am also working on a yearbook project for our local co-op and had a bunch to do on that.
This evening the teenagers gathered together at our house again. We all live so spread out that most of the moms stay. I like that. We have a good time together too! I enjoy it so much. I realized tonight that most of us in our little group of friends are new to the area. I like to think that God designed it that way. We need each other.
When he got off of work, Michael came over and he sat with Kendra for a long time on the porch swing. I just listened to the creak as it went back and forth, and their quiet conversation through the window. I could hear the kittens romping around as they played at their feet. I am wearily tired from the busy-ness of the week - but it is a good kind of tired. The exhaustion is a reminder that I have a full life, for which I am exceedingly thankful.

Weekend Wrap-Up

I haven't blogged much this busy weekend. The end of the month came last week which means invoice time at work. I was working on those Friday night until the wee hours of the morning.
There is a young man named Alan who has been showing some interest in Kendra. They met through a mutual friend - and we were excited to hear that he is a Christian. However, we were a bit concerned that first, we don't know him at all and secondly that he is 18 years old. The not knowing him was a bigger issue than the age thing to be honest. He came over Friday night to meet us, and brought his mom so we could meet her as well. She invited us to a church that I had been curious about - and we went this morning and really liked it. He seems like a very nice young man - and he has good taste in girls. While we aren't allowing her to "date" yet, we are open to any young man of good moral character spending time with our family and getting to know all of us more. Only the guys worth having anyway are going to put up with the Forsythes for very long!
So I have been too busy for deep thoughts. I have had a lot of them - but I cannot keep track, and as usually happens, as soon as I have 2 uninterrupted minutes on the computer - all thoughts are gone!
Hope you're having a great weekend!

Please Pray - Layoff

My husband works in the construction industry - and the problem with building things is that eventually they are finished. The jobs he has been working on have been slowing down - and there wasn't work for him two days last week or yesterday. He worked a whole day today and was laid off at the end of the day. The problem is that his employer in order to keep him from being able to draw unemployment - found a "reason" to lay him off - and (how ironic?) several other guys on the same day. They also found a way to keep him from getting his pay for the past week. Long story short, we are going to be at the union hall tomorrow and see if we can get them to work things out. I think we could use prayer. He is expecting to get transferred to Texas soon - but in the meantime, we have to provide for our family.

I felt so terrible this evening when he came home - he looked so discouraged. He is a good husband - and he works hard to take care of us. I am so proud of him. He never complains - even though he never gets a sick day or a day off for fun. He works hard so that I can stay home with our children - and I am so thankful. Please pray that the Lord will provide. I am wondering where groceries will come from this week, and money for prescriptions for my asthmatic child. Also, my little guy has his 8th birthday in less than two weeks. It can be really exciting to be in this position - to see the hand of the Lord provide. He always does more than I could ever ask or imagine. Thank You Lord in advance for Your hand of provision!