There is No Such Obligation

I have been churning inside since a discussion yesterday in which a friend attempted to correct what they perceived as immaturity on my part.  In another online format, I took a dig at someone who had done something illegal that involved one of my children about a year ago.  I feel no guilt or remorse over what I said despite their best efforts to show me the error of my ways.  The comment did not distract from the conversation and only those who are aware of the situation understood the underlying implication.  No harm, no foul.

What disturbs me more is this idea that no matter what wrong or evil someone has done, we are to smile and lovingly emit a grace we are not ready to give and forgiveness whether you feel it or not.  Supposedly, this is the Christian way.  More and more as I contrast the precepts of my faith with the experience of my humanity, I have decided that I am no longer able to "fake it till I make it".  Grace and forgiveness are a process, and in this particular situation it has not yet been achieved.  I made a statement about the wrong done and I have no regrets. This same grace must be extended to cover me.

The other thing I was called down on was the issue that one of our friends who is not a Christian might be thrown by my inability to show the love of God to someone who caused injury to my child.  In this case I will have to defer to God to love them, because at present I cannot.  While this is considered horribly un-Christian of me, let me propose that it is perhaps moreso than putting on a fake smile and pretending whatever someone does in any given situation is okay because I am under some mandate to pursue forgiveness.  Interacting with people with the motive of evangelism is as disconcerting as the friend who is a Tupperware dealer inserting the current specials into every conversation.  We are not Jesus - and we might stop being such a colossal disappointment to the non-believing world if we stop the facade that we might be.

I am under no obligation to live up to the expectation of others.

Judge Not

I woke up this morning on the dawn of my 41st birthday with a headache. There is an impending storm, but the overcast day will do little to make me forget the sunshine of yesterday or the spring that is waking across the mountain. A hike yesterday afternoon with my family revealed that even in the depth of the woods, new shoots of green leaves are pushing through the surface to make their appearance known. So many symbolic references to be made between the newness of my life and the emerging new life of spring, but that was not the intent of this blog post. 
Yesterday morning's sermon was about the judgments we pass on one another and how the church should be a place of acceptance, outstretched arms of love to those around us.  The pastor said that instead of being the conduit of the love of God to a hurting world (my paraphrase), we judge and condemn them for doing what comes naturally. That struck such a chord in my heart. So often instead of being appalled by the sin and the consequences that follow, I am disgusted with people. I wonder in my own heart, "What is wrong with them??!" As a believer, I already know that they do what they do because they are slaves to their human nature.  Even fellow believers still have the flesh to contend with, that wages war against every bit of what is inside of us that is good. I have been hurt as much inside the church as I was ever hurt from the outside. But I try to remember that I too have inflicted similar hurts on others, and keep this as a warning inside my own heart and mind to tread lightly and hold grace as a banner over others. (At least this is what I want to do, though often I do not do it.)
Recently in a newcomer's class at the church we have started going to, I faced the judgmental words of a woman that said, "I've never been divorced."  This has been one of my biggest, most paralyzing fears that I would be summed up as a person and a Christian on the sole event known as the end of my marriage. Without having to bare your soul for the world, nobody knows how hard you tried to make it work or what you endured so that this would never be the final outcome. Even in marriages that put on a happy face, nobody knows if the person asserting, "I was never divorced" was the most miserable spouse in the world, in a marriage that lasted due to no credit of their own but because of the patience and long-suffering of another. The fear of this judgment over my divorce has held me back from the body of Christ. I have attended church over the last couple of years sporadically, but I have not invested in a body of believers or the people around me for fear that if they got to know my situation or me, that they would decide I was "less than".  I think it is time to risk the judgment and the fear of rejection and embrace the fellowship of other believers. I have missed this for so long. 
The sermon yesterday spoke this hope into my life, that I was free. 

Lost in the Thicket

Yesterday evening the girls and I took a walk on one of the local trails and took in a little nature and some deep conversation. It was some of the inspiration for the new header on this blog. It was nice, just the three of us in the woods without any interruption.
East Texas is quite beautiful in the spring, with areas that literally look carpeted with ferns, pitcher plants, and flowers. In a few months the heat will make the outdoors less than enjoyable so spring here is when nature really shines. We walked quietly for a while, noticing animal tracks and the carnivorous plants that are indigenous to the area. But what could be more natural than our conversation turning to God.
The girls were both telling me how they feel far away from God. It hurt to realize that I was part of indoctrinating my children into a system of religion and obligation. It is hard to undo. It is difficult to articulate things to them in a way that doesn't cause them to think as I once would have that I have completely abandoned my faith. It scares me a little bit to see them free to love and worship God outside the confines of what the religious world tells us it should look like, and encourage them to step out for what will be certain scrutiny by the "church". I was fumbling with the words, and at the same time so excited that we were touching on something that is so life changing that they were spilling out in rapid succession. The church would tell us if we don't feel close to God to "dig deeper", chase harder, press in, pray more, read the Bible more, sweat, toil and strive towards Him. Although some of these things may have value, they also seem much more like vain human effort. Might I even be so bold as to suggest without offending my readers, that the attempt to conjure up this feeling of "being close to God" closely resembles witchcraft. The truth is that we are never far from Father. He was there with us in the woods, and when we sat eating dinner, and when we were laughing until we cried last night teasing each other. He is there. Our lives are to be a celebration of Him in all we do.
One of the girls attended church with a friend this past week, and was telling me it is where she feels the most uncomfortable anymore is in church. The music is repetitive, and the teachings are hollow especially where the youth are concerned, and no matter where you go, it is all predictable, even across denominational lines. We talked about every conversation with anyone who finds out that you don't attend church coming to this awkward place where you know they have an agenda to fix you, get you "in church", etc. Much of this is done in misguided love, and I hold no resentment, but it is a clear indicator that so many have traded relationship for formula, and intimacy for corporate worship.
We talked about how the Bible wasn't originally split into chapters and verses, and how what was often meant as a living narrative saying "see how this person walked" is often taken and broken into itty bitty pieces and given to us as a "do A, B, C and reap D" plan. It can be used in such a way as to almost omit God altogether.
I was sharing with my girls, my testimony of how this is all deconstructing for me. I feel a lot like a butterfly just out of the cocoon, too aware of the shortness of my life to let fear keep me from flying. Even in my worst moments now, I know that I have not changed in His sight. I am not on the treadmill of guilt and obligation anymore. It set me up to feel deep down inside that I could never measure up. Even while I have come to these conclusions for my own life, I have still wanted my kids to remain where it seemed safe, just in case I was wrong. I am sorry that I haven't shared with them more through this journey that I have been internalizing so much. I know that it was Father who got us alone in the woods together yesterday, and I am so thankful He did. I can trust Him completely with their hearts as well as my own.

Get Yours First

I was listening to Christian radio while riding with Kullen in the car tonight and I heard a curious thing..... the announcer was talking about some upcoming concert, and how there will be a special release of tickets. They went on to say, get yours first before they are released to the general public.
Am I missing something?
What about Jesus' teaching that the last shall be first, and the first shall be last.
Even on the Christian radio station, the message seems to be "hurry up and get yours before the next guy".
Any thoughts?

Sunday School Shocker

I was reading Stephanie's blog about a cute thing her 5 year old son, Jared asked, about if there was a guy named God. It made me remember my friend Joanne's son Ricky around that same age, when coming to grips with some spiritual matters, asked this question: How many miles is it from Massachusetts to hell? And what if you were in a hurry? It is a shame that we don't remember all of the cute things that they say - but some like this do stick with you. I was thinking of my own three children, who each at this same age were coming to understand some pretty big spiritual matters. All three of them had a moment, always around Easter where they were tearful, and said things like, "I don't want Jesus to die on the cross." Their little hearts were so precious - but this was something they could not understand, that this terrible thing was the best thing ever.
Recently, as I have begun to question traditional Christianity and how we "do things", I have wondered at this. We teach our children to love Jesus. We tell them that He loves them. We sing happy happy songs about God and Jesus and other Bible characters, complete with rainbows and sunshine, furry animals and flowers. Then we hit them with the gruesome facts of the crucifixion. I mean we have to tell them that this is why we can be happy - but I wonder if they comprehend, or think it all a giant paradox. I think we often make the Bible a happy and beautiful storybook - everything clean and orderly - but the real stories in the Bible are nothing like that. And the same stories that are happening all around us every day - the neighbor who shoots his dog, teen pregnancy, the marriage on the rocks, the prodigal, the man spewing obscenities - these are stories of people waiting for redemption all around us. If we think they don't fit with our image of the Bible, then often we reject them - but sometimes I think they fit better than we do.
Just some thoughts. They don't tie up in a nice neat package - I hope you can handle that!

The Great Harry Potter Debate

Today is opening day for the movie, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I took my kids and a couple of friends to see the 12:01 am show for Kaitlyn's birthday because she wanted that instead of a party for her upcoming 14th birthday. Fans of the series will not be disappointed, but in the Christian community the debate remains.

I did not let my children read the Harry Potter books when they first came out. The first and most obvious issue is the "witchcraft". Second, as a believer, I tend to be leery about anything the world loves as much as they loved Harry Potter. I held the position that with so much other good that there was to read, why did they need to read the Harry Potter series?
Years later, I was reading a book by Gladys Hunt called Honey for a Teen's Heart. This author had also written a book that was a superior resource for finding great books for my children called Honey for a Child's Heart. Her recommendation of the series was enough to cause me to more thoroughly investigate them. I was at a place in my life where I had started reevaluating everything that I had put on a list of things we "don't do", to thwart a root of legalism that had been encircling my ankles much like a boa constrictor. I also read What's a Christian to Do With Harry Potter, and Harry Potter and the Bible. Both books were very informative, but allowed you to take the information and come to your own conclusion. Then I cautiously picked up the first book on a trip to the beach. I read the book in a matter of 3 days while sitting in the sand and sun and then allowed my 11 year old daughter to read it. She devoured it even more quickly, and we talked about it all along the way.
What I found first was that the books contained well developed plots and characters. The books are fantasy, on the same lines as Lord of the Rings or the Narnia Chronicles with both sides having magical powers. I also found it curious that our society accepts so many other things benignly that are laden with witchcraft - for instance, the Wizard of Oz containing both good and bad witches, and the occultic practice of astral projection used in the Christmas Carol movies as Scrooge is transported to the Christmas past and future.
I used to speak my opinions vehemently against the Harry Potter books. However, as I have taken a closer look at the books for myself instead of leaning on the investigation and opinions of others, I have been amazed at the things people will say to set up a defense against Harry Potter. One family told us that the author J.K. Rowling has claimed to have had sex with Jesus. (It feels wrong even writing that!) This was unconfirmed by an internet search, and while that is not watertight proof that it was not said, it is likely it would have been on every Christian website as a legitimate reason to avoid the books and movies. Another lady told me that she burned a set of books that were given to her child, and that they heard screaming when the books were set on fire. All sins being equal, is lying not as much a sin as witchcraft? And the lady that practically went to the floor repetitively saying the name "Jesus" in front of the life-size Harry Potter display advertising the next book do anything short of making Christians a mockery?

One thing that I was always concerned about culturally is that in a world that is spiritually hungry, the hype surrounding the Harry Potter and witchcraft may have piqued an interest in actual occult practices. I wonder if Christians may be inadvertently fueling that hype. Our culture has an epidemic of uninvolved parents - who put all of these things in front of their children and never discuss it, or help their children sort reality from fantasy.

Biblically, if your conscience tells you to refrain from something, then you should refrain, and if your conscience gives you freedom, live in that freedom. I refer you to I Cor. 10:

23"Everything is permissible"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"—but not everything is constructive. 24Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. 25Eat anything sold in the meat market without raising questions of conscience, 26for, "The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it."^[c] 27If some unbeliever invites you to a meal and you want to go, eat whatever is put before you without raising questions of conscience. 28But if anyone says to you, "This has been offered in sacrifice," then do not eat it, both for the sake of the man who told you and for conscience' sake^[d]— 29the other man's conscience, I mean, not yours. For why should my freedom be judged by another's conscience? 30If I take part in the meal with thankfulness, why am I denounced because of something I thank God for? 31So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 32Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God— 33even as I try to please everybody in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved.

I would not promote Harry Potter to someone who has a spiritual weakness in this area – just as I would not pour a glass of wine with a friend who had a tendency toward alcoholism. If it is someone that I do not know, then I would refrain in both areas, as well as many others. For my family and I, we have enjoyed the Harry Potter books. We discuss the themes of love, redemption, good versus evil, etc. The movie last night made some pointed statements about “school” – with one professor stating that the point of education is to assist students in passing their O.W.L.S. (exams). The movie also illustrated the dangers of over-regulation and micro-management, and the importance of resisting evil – both physically and mentally.

When I was a little girl, watching Sesame Street, the "a la peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" used by the count did not make me want to do spells. I watched the Wizard of Oz and A Christmas Carol and was never had my interest piqued in witchcraft. I watched magicians on television make things disappear and reappear, cut things in half and put them back together, and made people levitate. As a child I found it entertaining, and nothing more than that.

I am interested in a respectful discussion for both sides of the issue. I am sure there is much I haven’t articulated here, or haven’t articulated well. I am not attempting to convince anyone, but merely sharing my journey through this issue, from one Christian mom to others.

Undone - What About Fellowship?

I imagine that I will have more than one question to answer, or more than one follow-up to post about this post. This first one is to answer my friend Jane's question about gathering together with other believers. I used eSword to study this verse - Hebrews 10:25 - that says this:

Heb 10:25 Not³³⁶¹ forsaking¹⁴⁵⁹ the³⁵⁸⁸ assembling of ourselves together,^{1997, 1438} as²⁵³¹ the manner¹⁴⁸⁵ of some⁵¹⁰⁰ is; but²³⁵ exhorting³⁸⁷⁰ one another: and²⁵³² so much⁵¹¹⁸ the more,³¹²³ as³⁷⁴⁵ ye see⁹⁹¹ the³⁵⁸⁸ day²²⁵⁰ approaching.¹⁴⁴⁸

I felt that inevitably this verse would come up - so I thought I would just cut to the chase. While this verse does say that we should not forsake assembling as believers, it does not say that on Sunday from 11:00 – 12:15 and on Wednesday from 7:00 – 8:00 and if you really want brownie points you can make it to Sunday School an hour before church, or a Sunday evening service. It says to get together as believers, encourage each other. Make it a habit – but not a ritual. But what we’ve done is make it a ritual – and we use this verse to place guilt on each other.

Here’s how the same verse is interpreted in The Message:

Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshipping together as some do, but spurring each other on especially as we see the Day approaching.

Let’s see how inventive we can be…..are you encouraged because I fill the pew behind you for one hour on a Sunday and Wednesday night? Maybe we never even speak – and sit in stony silence waiting for our shot in the arm, but we’re doing it at the same time. How much more full can the fellowship believers be than that?

When I think of worshipping with other believers, I am reminded that my purpose, the reason I am alive is to worship, and that any opportunity I have to be with other Christians praying, talking about – reading – chewing on the Word, giving spiritual counsel to a neighbor while we’re walking together or over coffee, riding down the road in the car with my kids singing worship songs to Jesus – these are all true to the spirit of that verse. For our family, we are considering opening our home to a house church – but we’re waiting on the Lord for direction. Right now we just need to detox .

I know every church is not like this – just the majority. What a blessing if this is not your observation of your local body.

What we do and call it “fellowship” or “worship” so much of the time is a performance. We want the approval of everyone but God. I know that what we are doing will not be approved of by everyone. But it is not anyone’s approval that I am after. I am coloring outside the lines. It may intimidate some. That’s okay. It would’ve intimidated me not long ago. My back is to the church, but my eyes are still on Jesus.

Thanks Jane for the great question – I need to work this out in my discussion with others as well. A lot of these things are unarticulated thoughts. I appreciate the feedback, and the non-judgmental way in which you asked the question.

Christian Radio Contradiction

I love Christian radio. Mainly I enjoy music - but somehow, likely God-ordained, the radio in my bathroom will not pick up the semi-local Christian music stations. It will however, pick up the Christian "teaching" stations - where all day long you can hear great men and women teaching God's word, while brushing your teeth,and "fluffing" (as my totally 80s friend Tina calls it) your hair. Yesterday on the Focus on the Family segment, they had a recorded broadcast of Frank Peretti! It was so awesome. He was a great speaker. Funny and real. If you can go to their website - don't miss it.
Yesterday my daughter Kaitlyn said how she thought it was curious that they were promoting the new Evan Almighty movie. While it is likely very funny - it seems a little wrong. I would like to see it - and can see the entertainment value in the "what if Noah lived today" scenario. But it does seem a little risky for them to promote this movie after Bruce Almighty.
Then this morning I heard a speaker - he was teaching about the woman at the well, and Jesus' offer to give her living water. He was explaining that every other well came up short - money, success, relationship, physical beauty - they would all be wells that ran dry. It was great - I was all pumped thinking - yeah! gimme some of that living water. Immediately following this segment came a commercial for a shop that does excellent body work on your vehicle. And this particular station is constantly full of diet and exercise programs, and home improvement shows. But - hey, you just told me that those things weren't important. And while I know they have to pay for their broadcasts somehow, it seems a frightening contradiction. My mind is renewed - and then slapped back down.
The worst worst worst one is a commercial about Christian publishing. It says something on these lines....."so you're a Christian author. once you finish that book you're working on, what are you going to do? PRAY it gets published." Ugh! I cringe everytime that one comes on. It is so unclear. I know that the mean don't JUST pray - and I understand that God doesn't want us to be passive - but it is so ugly the way they say it. Gross. Yuck.
Anyway - just my thoughts today. What do you think? Is Christian radio contradicting itself?

Alcohol Debate Revisited

We visited a new church yesterday. It was pretty interesting - we weren't there for 30 seconds in our seats when announcements were made - the first of which being that there was a petition in the back of the church for anyone interested to sign to support prohibiting the sale of alcohol in that town, about 30 minutes south of us. Kendra and Allan just started to laugh. Let me just say - I believe that the church, seeing the adverse affect that alcoholism has on the family, the community, etc. has every right to take a stand against the sale of alcohol in their county - the same way I would take a stand if they opened an adult book store in my neighborhood.
I didn't see anything wrong with this church encouraging members to sign this petition as their consciences lead them. I just don't think the church (in general) needs to behave as if alcohol is the primary culprit - when the primary culprit is the sin nature. Take a walk down the hall of any hospital and tell me that chocolate cake and tobacco use is not doing any damage. But instead of doing spiritual warfare against the enemy and the nature of sin that dwells in the heart of each individual - we attack a behavior. I know the battle will never be won this way. Think of how Nathan approached King David about his transgression with Bathsheba. He did not shake a finger at his nose and preach on adultery. He did not post an announcement in the local newspaper to shame David. Nathan told a story that pierced the king's heart. That heart-changing moment took David from a place of unrepentant sin back to being the man after God's own heart. Can we get a witness church? Can we learn?
What I also don't like is for those people who see the cultural pitfall of alcoholism - and the effect it has had and then use scripture in a way that supports their righteous cause. I don't believe for one cotton pickin' minute that Jesus drank unfermented grape juice only. Perhaps he did right after the harvest when the first grapes were crushed - but just based on common sense, and mathematical equations - the Last Supper took place many months after the grape harvest. Without refrigeration, it is impossible to think that juice was un-fermented.
A word study on the word wine in the New Testament translates to the Greek word - oinos. It literally means wine. It is the word used for the wine at the wedding in Cana where Jesus turned water into wine. It is also the word used in all the gospel's analogies of putting wine into new wineskins - as the fermentation process occurs the skins must be stretched, which is why you do not put new wine into old wineskins. It is also the word used in Luke 10:34 where the "Good Samaritan" found the man beaten and left for dead - and poured oil and wine on his wounds. If the wine was used for antiseptic properties, doesn't it stand to reason that it would have been necessary for it to be fermented?
This is what bothers me the most - that no matter how good our intentions, the word of God cannot be twisted to suit our cultural agendas. Every study I have ever attempted on the subject leads me to the same conclusion. I have heard it said more than once that people want to get as far away as they can from God and still be able to be right with him. I would say that the rules are what put us in that shape. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. These are the words of Jesus. (Matthew 22:37) Anything outside of that is man's attempt at cleaning up something only God can clean, and it is the way of the Pharisees.

Manifest Plainness - Can Others See Jesus In Me?

Manifest plainness? What does that mean? I read it on my friend’s blog. She had it as part of a header and it just grabbed my attention. The header read “Manifest plainness. Embrace simplicity. Reduce selfishness. Have few desires.” It reminded me of a book about Saint Francis of Assisi that I read with a book discussion group several years ago. He was the epitome of humility. In fact, if he were alive today and heard me say such a thing about him, he would return to his monastery and have his “brothers” stand on his face so that pride would not take root.

Saint Francis wore a brown habit, owned no possessions, and worked hard at maintaining humility. I struggle with all of these things and at different times I get my thinking very twisted here. I want to “manifest plainness” so that others do not see me – but Jesus in me. I don’t like flamboyant clothing and jewelry, it feels too conspicuous. But I know other Christian women that are completely different in this regards – in fact, Beth Moore, my absolute all-time favorite Bible teacher is from Texas and she says things like “in Texas we believe, the higher the hair the closer to God”. (Now before you go off thinking I am saying Beth Moore is flamboyant - I want to clarify - I think she is a very classy, beautiful woman, who dresses immaculately and is a first class teacher of the word of God. What I am saying is "style-wise" we're different.)

I had it right between the eyes this Sunday. I walked into Sunday school and immediately felt under-dressed. Now mind you, I’ve been wearing jeans just about every single Sunday since we started going to this new church (about 3 months now) and haven’t felt awkward about it yet. I figured it was one of those things that the enemy was using to keep my mind off of what might be gleaned in the spiritual realm by diverting my attention to my shoes, my pants, and the sheer overwhelming elegance and sophistication of every other woman in the room. Ugh! I sat all the way through feeling very, shall we say for lack of a better word *dumpy*. After Sunday school I met up with Kaitlyn telling me “so-and-so’s mother makes her wear a dress every week and so-and-so’s father makes them at least wear dress pants – but that she’s glad I just let them be the same as they are every other day”. DID THE CHILD READ MY MIND? While her thoughts give me comfort now, they did little at the time to lift the oppressive feeling of being very shabby in contrast.

I have always had a big issue with hypocrisy. The people I knew growing up who called themselves Christians were always cleaned up on the outside – and after church (in the rare times that we actually attended), as soon as the car doors would slam to take us back to the reality of our lives, they were no different. In fact, in my experience, those who called themselves by the name of Christ were frequently more evil than the “non-Christians” who were often more kind, and loving than the Sunday school teacher looking down her nose at the rowdy little children with uncombed hair, boys with half tucked shirts and girls with soiled dresses because they were obviously “unsanctified”. These kinds of people did everything short of push me absolutely and totally out of the church – however, they could NOT push me too far to be gripped in the loving arms of my Savior.

As an adult, I walked through the doors of a little chapel on a mountain in West Virginia. My life was in utter shambles. I looked for God and I found him – among people wearing jeans and tennis shoes and t-shirts. I learned the reality of the verse that says “man looks at the outward appearance, while God looks at the heart”. I learned that real sanctification touches and purifies the blackness of our hearts – and often changes the outward as well – which has little to do with real spirituality. I take the verse to heart that says that instead of outward adornment we should be concerned with the “beauty of a meek and quiet Spirit that is of great value to the Lord”.

I know that I have many areas in my heart yet to be transformed. I know that when the Lord looks at me he sees past the tennis shoes and blue jeans and see that Julie needs to work on envy, pride, malice, idolatry and thinks of little else other than making me more like Him. The next time the enemy tries to get my eyes on these things – I am going to remember that my goal in life is to be more like Jesus, so that when others see me they can see Him. Modesty aside (believe me this body was MADE to be covered!) what I wear really doesn’t matter.

There But for the Grace of God Go I

The newest issue of The Old Schoolhouse Magazine arrived last week. As usual, it is a blessing to me - a source of encouragement, and a vast array of some serious resources for any style of homeschooler. But there was one article by Jenefer Igarashi that was so real, I just had to blog about it. I am not going to quote her article, entitled The Unlovables: My Reluctant Testimony, so be sure to grab the winter issue and read it for yourself. But her article provoked my thoughts - which I will share here:

I found myself in a similar situation - pregnant and unmarried. My husband and I had been living together for 3 years, but had never taken a commitment very seriously. I was not a Christian, and although I knew who God was, I lived my life separated from Him. During my pregnancy, I started to feel that something was missing - that something being God - and I turned to the only place I knew at the time I might find Him - the church. My experience was not what Jen described - the loving support from believers - but more a judgmental glance, an indignant comment, and a circle being drawn leaving me on the outside. Baby showers were hosted for the "married" pregnant women in the church - and I remained invisible. I know that some of my experience was due in large part to my overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame, and even so, there were specific things said and done that made me feel that not only could the church not love me, but God could not possibly love me.
It took a long time before I was able to see past "the church" and allow God to speak to my heart about what He has to say about my sin. When I gave my life to Him, there was no more condemnation. And yet a few years ago in Sunday school, somebody inadvertently put the shame right back in my lap. This particular couple would come to our church with their "anti-abortion" stickers blazing on the rear bumper of their car, and their legalistic judgmental condemnation (the very thing that drives young women into the back alley entrances of abortion clinics) on their faces. During prayer request time, this man was asking for prayer for his niece who had recently given birth "out of wedlock", and blah blah blah, but they didn't want her to think that they condoned what she had done, yadda yadda yadda. I sat for a while as he rambled on feeling the shrinking, diminishing feeling of shame. When I finally found my voice, I was able to share that I too had a child "out of wedlock". I also was able to encourage that man to live out his convictions, and support his niece as she attempted to raise this child on her own - buying diapers, and baby food, and whatever else she may need. (The less Christlike sentiment in my head at the time was "Quit buying bumper stickers and put your money here your mouth is!" I might have also thought "freak" and then sure and sudden conviction and repentance!)
Sin is sin - and as believers we have to call it what God calls it. There is no doubt that sex outside of marriage is sin. Aren't we to help those up who stumble? Why do we look at that particular sin as if it is so heinous - and yet gloss over our own materialism, gluttony, gossip, etc. as if they are nothing. In God's sight all sin is equal.
I think that in the Christian community we need a constant reminder - there but for the grace of God go I! I've been there - I've done that - I have the t-shirt - with a big scarlet letter branded that has since been washed white with the scarlet blood of Jesus!

Even for the Likes of These - Book Review of Blue Like Jazz

I just read a book called Blue Like Jazz by a guy I never heard of named Donald Miller. One friend recommended it, and then another mentioned it in something that she was saying, and one night at the mall with a bunch of my girlfriends, amid all the hustle and bustle, somewhere in my scrambled eggs I officially called my brain, I decided I need to read something that provoked me to think. Every mall has a bookstore, so I went in search of this book with a title my eight year old thinks is weird, and the hunter in me was satisfied. Those who know me know that my library card is one of my most treasured possessions. I love used book sales and amazon.com, and have found many a gold mine at Goodwill, flea markets, yard sales and antique shops, but I NEVER, almost ever buy a book brand new. I paid full price at the mall for this book, and I will never regret it. There are so many thoughts I have had over the years that I have never been able to put in words, and Mr. Miller does says them in such an easy-going, matter-of-fact way. Here is an excerpt from a chapter about "the church" that was so right on to me.

One more thing that bugged me, then I will shut up about it. War metaphor. The churches I attended would embrace the war metaphor. They would talk about how we are in a battle, and I agreed with them, only they wouldn't clarify that we were battling poverty and hate and injustice and pride and the powers of darkness. They left us thinking that our war was against liberals and homosexuals. Their teaching would have me believe I was the good person in the world and the liberals were the bad people in the world. Jesus taught that we are all bad and He is good, and He wants to rescue us because there is a war going on and we are hostages in that war. The truth is we are supposed to love the hippies, the liberals, and even the Democrats, and that God wants us to think of them as more important than ourselves. Anything short of this is not true to the teachings of Jesus.

I was nearly in tears when I read this paragraph and was convicted about the way Satan gets us sidetracked, so that we aren't even fighting the real battles. I have seen so much division between people over things that have no bearing in eternity, and I think that as long as we stay encapsulated in our little "churchianity" there is no blood, sweat and tears ministering to the world around us. We like it clean and tidy, sanitary. We don't want anything contaminated to touch our world, our minds, our children. Yes, we should be in the world and not of it. But like this author said, if we are truly to be Jesus to those in the world around us, we need to model our lives after His - He never shied away from anybody.
One thing I think can be read wrong or misinterpreted in this sampling from the book - when he says that God wants us to love hippies and liberals - I do not read this to say that we are to tolerate the sin of homosexuality, or drug use, but to look past that to the human soul that is valued, and loved by God - enough that He would send His Son to die - even for the likes of these.

Church - I Don't Wanna Go!

I have a dilemma that I haven't had since becoming a believer- I don't want to go to church. About a month ago, we visited one church for two weeks mainly because it felt like that's what we were to do - you know the whole "get back in the saddle" bit. However, for the last couple of weeks, I have been doing anything at all to keep from it. I can't really explain it - I just don't want to go. I feel burned out - and everything about being a part of an organized body right now really stresses me out. I want to be connected to other believers, but not in such an intense way. I am having great difficulty articulating what I am feeling - somewhat like JenIG's article in the summer issue of TOS - that feeling of not fitting in anywhere - intimidated by "super Christians" - and just not wanting to be part of the whole "CHURCHianity" scene. Now, this may sound pretty common to some of you - in fact I have friends who barely darken the door of a church, and others who have a much more casual attitude than I do about attending - but for me - I was at church everytime the doors opened - any event - I even occasionally felt the pull to the church on nights when nothing was going on but the "Promise Keepers" meeting - knowing full well I wouldn't belong there!! (not really but you get the picture right??) I have loved my church family fiercely - and still do, but I am not ready to commit again. My friend here on HSB, Kris has encouraged me to take it easy for a while, and we have as a spoof made up names for our family's home "church" times - such as (her creative input) First Church of Pajamas and Pancakes. A friend's husband suggested yesterday that we work on getting their garage together to serve as a meeting place, and have the husband's take turns leading a service as a house church. I think maybe I could handle that and I hope he's not kidding. I am hanging all my hopes on that for now.