19 November 2005
Church - I Don't Wanna Go!
I have a dilemma that I haven't had since becoming a believer- I don't want to go to church. About a month ago, we visited one church for two weeks mainly because it felt like that's what we were to do - you know the whole "get back in the saddle" bit. However, for the last couple of weeks, I have been doing anything at all to keep from it. I can't really explain it - I just don't want to go. I feel burned out - and everything about being a part of an organized body right now really stresses me out. I want to be connected to other believers, but not in such an intense way. I am having great difficulty articulating what I am feeling - somewhat like JenIG's article in the summer issue of TOS - that feeling of not fitting in anywhere - intimidated by "super Christians" - and just not wanting to be part of the whole "CHURCHianity" scene. Now, this may sound pretty common to some of you - in fact I have friends who barely darken the door of a church, and others who have a much more casual attitude than I do about attending - but for me - I was at church everytime the doors opened - any event - I even occasionally felt the pull to the church on nights when nothing was going on but the "Promise Keepers" meeting - knowing full well I wouldn't belong there!! (not really but you get the picture right??) I have loved my church family fiercely - and still do, but I am not ready to commit again. My friend here on HSB, Kris has encouraged me to take it easy for a while, and we have as a spoof made up names for our family's home "church" times - such as (her creative input) First Church of Pajamas and Pancakes. A friend's husband suggested yesterday that we work on getting their garage together to serve as a meeting place, and have the husband's take turns leading a service as a house church. I think maybe I could handle that and I hope he's not kidding. I am hanging all my hopes on that for now.