19 April 2008


Here is a short discourse on the number of expectations leveled on me from the start of the morning every single day - where's the clean towels? what is there to eat? is there fresh coffee made? are you going to make breakfast? what are we doing today? are we going anywhere? can I...(fill in the blank)? will you do me a favor - followed by whatever you can imagine. And so on and so on and so on.
When I try to push back and get others to assist me with the division of household responsibilities - I get very little in response. In fact, I get disdain for my presence because I have expectations of them - but they are the majority and I am one.
My husband got up this morning - and after years of this has not figured out why it isn't funny to me. I have my arms in soapy water up to my elbows and am trying to clean out the refrigerator, and wash dishes. He wanders in and says, "Where's breakfast? I thought with all the beating and banging in here you surely would've cooked something." Then he tries to turn it all around on me while I am fuming and make it look like he was just joking and I'm crazy, even though I've attempted since 1988 to establish that I did not find this remotely funny first thing in the morning.
Sorry - hardcore blogging here - this is the reality of my life.
Then he grabs poptarts and says, "I'll just scrounge like I do every morning." (wouldn't you say the fact that there are poptarts in the cabinet means that someone isn't left to scrounge????) And then a few minutes later, "Can you I at least get me a cup of coffee?"
This is a man who has not noticed that I have been struggling just to maintain anything in the last week or so. I actually spoke the words to him last night - I.am.depressed. I know he doesn't notice, but articulating it to him only increases the frustration as absolutely nothing will change in what he expects of me, nor will he lend a hand to make sure I don't get buried. He only notices the shortcomings and failures in a critical sense.

I don't understand that while he gets up every single morning of his life and is afforded the luxury of thinking of only himself - what he'll eat, what he'll wear, what he'll do - why I have to make the world the way he and the kids want it? He goes to work most days - but everything else - literally every single flipping thing falls to me.
Why do I have to be the Proverbs 31 woman and he gets to be Archie freakin' Bunker??????
I don't understand why I am expected to be Martha Stewart, Pamela Anderson, (I am not even close to either!) a doctor, physician, a gourmet cook, lawyer, accountant, etc. etc. etc. all rolled into one. The expectations are growing every day, and I am crumbling under them.
I am about to make a run for the hills - the Blue Ridge Mountains that is, and I'll probably never come back. It isn't Texas, it's my life. I tried to get away by coming here, and it just followed me. I left the wrong things in the dust.


  1. I'm glad you are sharing this with us Julie. I can hear your pain and frustration. I think that feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated is something that we, as women, battle with. I am sorry for this time of depression that you are going through. Know that you are not alone, and that I will be praying for you. My battles show up in different ways, but we ALL have them, so don't be hard on yourself. I wish I lived closer- I would come clean with you and make YOU a cup of coffee.

  2. I am sorry you are struggling right now Julie!

    I don't have any words of wisdom and I won't quote scripture or give you any platitudes. I know, when you're in that place, they don't really help.

    Just know that I hear ya, and like Jane, I wish I could pop over and bring you chocolate.

  3. AHEM!!! You come to Nashville, Stephanie will take care of you!

    Ya know I could just slap him upside the head for you and knock some sense into him.

    Doesn't he know ow to make coffee? Why should you serve him? It goes both ways you serve each other, marraige takes two and it's high time he realizes that!

    I feel for you and I feel helpless that I can't help you out or just hang out with you and let you feel what you feel.

  4. Thanks for sharing your struggles. You aren't alone! Praying for you.

  5. When ALexandra and I made the trip, about 4 years ago to Memphis, it was the first time in ... ever I had been away from the entire family. i remember really noticing in the mornings at the hotels how wonderful it felt to only need to think about what I needed to do to get ready - to not worry about meals etc etc. It was quite a treat. Fast forward to Grand Canyon this year - and probably the best part was the rest from having to think about what or where others needed to be.
    That being said (and I know you feel this way too) I wouldn't trade my Mom job for anything. But sometimes a little break is just what is needed.
    So... run away for a night or two. Leave the cell phone behind. Let them fend for themselves. You will feel better, and they will be more appreciative. And someone will learn to pour his or her own coffee :)

  6. I've sent up a prayer for you. I've been single now for 7 years and I've gotta tell you, most of marriage, I don't miss. You've just reminded me of alot of it.

    Hang in there. I've felt what you're feeling. Be good to yourself and rest!

    Just know that you're not alone.

  7. Okay, come back home.

    p.s. Did I tell you that the Green House will be empty and ready for you in May? Can't wait for you to be my neighbor for a little while.

  8. Well, after the crappy night I had last night, I can honestly say that not everything is Mary Sunshine in Indiana either. I do not have any answers for you. The expectations that are shoved on women that are mothers and wives are leftover remnants of patriachial (I can't even spell it :) ) societies, I believe. Even today at family gatherings, the men all congregate in one room, while the women clean up the dishes.

    We've come NOT very far, baby.

  9. Julie, I'm sorry to have been strangely silent about the depression issue. Part of it has been busyness, and part of it is due to my being in unfamiliar territory - outside of religion.

    At one time I would have had any number of pat answers to give you, but I seem to have lost them all, which I'm sure you're grateful for. I wish I knew what to say, and find it uncomfortable that I don't.

    I do want to let you know that I care. It's no doubt a scary and sad place to be. All I feel like I do know any more is that Sarayu is patiently standing by and ready to talk when you're ready. I think she can handle your hard core blogging and your hard core feeling.

    Love you girl.
    (Hey, at least I'm over my "to hell with it!" phase - maybe you'd like to pick up where I left off ??)

  10. The Blue Ridge Mountains are not far from me ... come on up.


Awaiting your words......
♥ Juls ♥