Tonight, I feel like Leah. You know, from the Bible. She’s the one whose father tricked Jacob into marrying her. That is pretty much how I have felt most of my life. Deep down it is my secret fear that nobody would be with me unless they had to - parent, friend, spouse, children. There’s that warm fuzzy word – obligation. Ugh. Is there anyone as familiar as I am with this intense struggle with insecurity? I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Most days I am a happy-go-lucky person, but these attacks on my heart come with a vengeance. I know that it is spiritual in nature. I know that the goal of the enemy is bigger than just my personal discouragement. I would like to turn the tables on him - I know who I am in Christ. He has told me I am His child. He loves me and wants me. I have to totally and completely make this statement in faith – because truly most times I don’t believe it in my heart of hearts. And I know my thinking is flawed. Just as soon as I begin to think to myself – “why would He want me?” there is a preconceived notion that He would want me for anything that I myself can offer. The truth is that I cannot do anything to earn His love. In my life this insecurity has taken on many facets. It has made me bail on relationships before they could bail on me. It has made me hurt others who have truly loved me, in complete and utter panic to make a quick escape. I am thankful that since I have become a Christian the acting out of these episodes has become almost non-existent. However, the working them out of my own heart and mind seems a bit more complicated. I will pray to take captive every thought that sets itself up against the knowledge of Christ. I believe His word to be true – even when my feelings go completely against it – I will choose to believe that HE loves me, and that no matter what may come in life, HE will never leave me or forsake me.
This is real life blogging here people - I couldn't make this up. Pollyanna didn't show up tonight!