I am, as my mom always defined me, squirrelly.
I flit from this to that always looking for something but often not finding it. I am always full of restless anticipation, not quite contented with the thing in front of me. I always seem to want the next thing.
I am like a child inside. The one who runs up to their mom as soon as they get to your house and immediately wants to know when they are going to leave.
I have SO many things I want to do -
I want to write the next great American novel - or a screenplay.
I want to read great fiction - or some of the life-changing books recommended by my friends.
I want to focus on my digital photography - scrapbooking - or possibly work with my imaging programs and learn to design some digital elements of my very own.
I want to watch a great movie.
I want to be INSPIRE my writing class to a love of writing.
I want to write unit studies, teach my youngest daughter to make meatballs, play cards with my kids, share a cup of coffee and superficial conversation with my neighbor, ride a bike around the block with my son, talk politics with someone who is open-minded like my oldest daughter, blog, cook my husband a fantastic dinner, and so on and so on and so on.
I think this is one of the reasons I needed to hibernate this weekend.
I feel like I am spinning. I can't invest myself fully in any of these things if I am dabbling in all of them, and I can't choose. They all pull me.
I am pretty good at sliding things off my plate that I am not interested in, after years of being driven by guilt and obligation, even within the church. What I want now is to figure out how to focus.
I don't want to be a jane-of-all-trades. It seems an epidemic. We received an education that makes us all so "well-rounded" that we are masters of nothing. My aim is to focus and stop the merry-go-round. I am going to figure out what it is that I really, really want to do, and do it with all my heart and soul.
This is my desire for my children is to help them pursue the greatness they were created for - the bend that the Lord has sculpted them with. My bend went all haywire with the confinement to a 12 year institution called the public school system, as well as parents who told me from the time I was young that I wouldn't be anything unless I "'went to college", although neither of them went. Perhaps they wanted better for me than they had, as do I for my children. I am seeking that better outcome by allowing them to pursue the path of delight, dreams and destiny that the Lord Himself has paved for them, and try to get back on my path along the way!