17 May 2008


I am sure there are hours of therapy that might lead somewhere on this topic. I know that Christianity is all about giving up your rights, as Christ did in laying down His life. We are to be ever emulating Him in this example. Sometimes it is just so hard to do.
I am sorting through an issue, and trying to decide if I really need to have someone else acknowledge that I am right about something. All evidence to the contrary - photographic evidence I might add - they still won't budge from their need to be right. Is it stubborn pride that won't allow me to concede the issue? As if my last post doesn't articulate it clearly - it isn't the being wrong that I am afraid of, it is the never being heard or allowed to think differently. My memories replaced by someone else's imagination, my thoughts trumped by a work of fiction.
The first time I ever had my heart broken, I was told to "suck it up". If I said I missed my dad, I was told what a loser her was and how pathetic it was that I cared for him at all - and vice versa. Everything I thought and felt and needed and valued was diminished at every level.
As an adult I am still in this cycle. I am constantly told that I need to worry about what "really matters", and that I worry about things that are insignificant. I am told that feelings are trivial, and that my dreams only matter when there is a monetary value from which someone else might benefit.
Insignificance - this would be the story of my life. It's like this silent guttural scream that can't be heard of the din of the crowd.
I have to write this or I won't be able to bear it at all. I wouldn't be able to talk through the emotion. If you are looking for light blogging - you may want to peruse elsewhere for the next couple of posts. I so resonated with Bonnie Hunt's line in Jerry Maguire - "I'm incapable of small talk." I really am right now.


  1. I can relate to where you are Jewls.

    I too was one of the unheard children. Too much chaos. There were too many people in my life who took up all the space. I get what you mean.

    I recently read the book Nice Girls Don’t Change the World by Lynne Hybles. It is a short little book. I am not sure if it was the book that moved me, or that I was finally ready to listen to what God had been trying to tell me all along; I AM WORTH SOMETHING.

    When no one tells you this as a child, it is hard to believe as an adult. There may be a special purpose for my existence. There is a reason God put me here. I have worth.

    I finally started to believe this a little bit. I started my blog. I decided to learn to garden. I learned to crochet. I decided to try those things that I never thought I was capable of doing.

    I still have a very hard time believing that I might have something to say; that God may even choose to speak through me now and then.

    I have always been a ‘writer’ but I never let anyone read what I wrote. I can’t handle the criticism. Well I did it. I started my blog. It took about 6 months to tell anyone I have it and it is still hard for me when I know someone in my real life is reading what I write. I even submitted an article about homeschooling to the local paper and they published it! That (submitting it) was HUGE for me.

    I am finally learning that I am not just the sum of who others think I am. I am the sum of who God knows me to be.

    You are too.

    This is a post I wrote about that little book and my ideas on this subject. May God clearly show you who He knows you to be.


  2. @Tricia, great comment! We all are special. I got saved when I was 7 and I was never allowed to be who I really was after that. My mother was just doing what she thought was right by stifling me and never letting me be a regular child and teen.
    I grew up always hiding who I really was.I was always trying to change myself to fit what everybody else expected me to be.
    I thank God for deliverance! I still fall into people pleasing, but not as much.
    It's a long road Jewls. Take it moment by moment. Stand up and be counted one day at a time...it gets easier. I'm telling this to you AND me!!!!LOL

  3. No small talk here Julie (as per your post), just support and lots of love!! ♥ I'm thinking of you.

  4. I'm sorry you're still fighting those demons. Just get stubborn and don't listen to that voice anymore. Be the person you want to be and take up for yourself. You need to be the owner of your life -don't let anyone or anything take that right from you.


Awaiting your words......
♥ Juls ♥