Just some thoughts off the cuff this morning. Sometimes we get perceptions that aren't even close to true and what other people say about us starts to shape what we even think of ourselves. I was told in a comment during a very dark time about a week ago that my blog was the "whiniest" they had ever read. It made me feel a bit better to realize they had only had their blogger profile for 2 days - but nonetheless it was a mar to my image of self.
I pride myself on being a typically optimistic person while none of my life has been particularly rosy. I try to keep myself focused on the glass that is half full, and even harder not to lament that it is full of water when I really want coke and rum. Life is just what it is, and for better or worse we take it one day at a time.
Have I ever mentioned that I can't use that phrase without thinking of Valerie Bertinelli, and was greatly distressed the other day to hear that my husband had never seen this show that was an icon of my childhood. But I digress.....
I am an extrovert for the most part who is finding myself living more and more inside my head. I can't seem to connect with anyone lately including my family and find almost every human interaction exhausting. This is a scary place for me. I used to always be energized by the crowd, animated with stories, full of laughter. I think a large part of it is that I had a community of people who brought that out in me. Now I just want to figure out a way to work my way back to them, but I'm stuck.
I was watching a clip on Good Morning America this morning with Barbara Walters - evidently there is an interview where the tables are turned and she is the one being asked all the questions. Robin Roberts was asking her if there was any one question that she should have asked, but didn't, and Barbara said it was "what is the greatest misconception about you"? Her answer was that she was controlled - and she didn't bleed. I get that - sometimes I think that we hold things together so much that others think we haven't a care in the world. Often in my life I have been the one in the room laughing the loudest, but that doesn't mean I wasn't likely hurting the deepest.
I am a person, just like you, making it one day at a time. Some days I laugh, and some days I cry. There are times when I am doing more of one than the other. Some times I whine and other times I can pull myself up by my big girl panties and deal with it. Don't think for a minute that by reading this blog that you may really and truly know me. You may know me better than I know myself - but there is still much left to be searched out that only true relationship can find.