How do you live with someone who insists that every molecule of air in the room is theirs? Who diminishes you as a person, instead of building you up? Who takes credit for everything good and places blame for everything bad? How do you live with someone who never processed as a child what it means to live in community with others - sharing, nurturing, growing, and making allowances for others to be the person that they are and how that changes all along the way? How is it that a person who was so unconscious for so much of your lives together suddenly moves in, taking over all of your memories, insisting that their perspective is the only one that is correct? If you give way and make room for them it is only insisted that you give even more space, and suddenly one day you wake up and realize that you - your thoughts, your hopes, your passions, your desires, your memories, your likes and dislikes, your political views, your spiritual life, everything - is all being dissolved into this other person. I grew up like this - being constantly absorbed into who my mother was, and her hopes and plans for my life, her needs, her wants, and her take on everything in the world. I have been suffocating. It is why I hold my breath so much, because I wasn't allowed to breathe.
I need an escape, or I may not survive. There is only a little of me left.
Your description of your mom reminds me of a friend I used to have. Needless to say, we are not friends anymore. It took awhile for me to even realize that I was being absorbed into her. It was so freeing to let her go. I guess it's 10X harder when the person is in your family...especially your mom!
ReplyDeleteHang in there - you'll make it through this.
ReplyDeleteLove ya