13 November 2007

Divorce: The Gift that Keeps on Giving

Having divorced parents stinks. I can feel like a completely healthy and whole adult and then WHAM - unexpectedly something happens that makes me feel like a piece of garbage that my whole family is trying to scrape off of their shoe. You are like an enemy who has infiltrated their ranks - and the worst part is that everyone thinks of you as the member of the other family - essentially leaving you without one at all. Some stinky moments:
  • knowing your whole family was taking a cruise because one insensitive person decides to call and tell you they won't be home for a while just so you know - and hey all your siblings are coming, but you aren't invited - then being told you weren't invited because you have a baby and we knew you wouldn't come - would it KILL people to invite you anyway and let you turn the invitation down????
  • whole extended family attends a cousin's wedding you aren't even invited to
  • finding out months after the fact that my cousin and his wife had a baby
  • finding out months after the fact that another cousin's wife is expecting
  • seeing family pictures of events that you weren't even invited to - theme remains - invite somebody even if there is likely no chance they'll come so they at least feel like they are part of a family - but I'm not holding my breath - I was rarely invited when I lived right there
  • calling people you haven't heard from in months and being told - "hey, I was thinking about calling you" - after 20 years of this you pretty much know they never had any intention of calling you or inviting you into their lives
  • knowing that one of your parents travels all over the free world - but can't afford the gas when you ask them to come see you
  • having your parent and step-parent rush hours away to see a sibling because they need them - when they have never spent more than 30 minutes at your house regardless of your need
  • visiting the house of one of your parents - only to find that none of the pictures of your children have ever even made it into frames in favor of all the other grandchildren - and the one collage you made years ago that hung behind a door down a dark hallway isn't even there because they were painting and OOPS - it never got hung back up - and pretending to be so stupid that you didn't see the nail is no longer there and the hole is spackled
Oh - I could write a book - and the pages would be riveting. It must be nice to have a family is all I can say. I'll get over it - I always do - but today I am having a hard time with it. I am trying so hard to make the family I want with my kids - but ya know - sometimes I would just like to have a mom or dad of my own.


  1. Jewls - I can totally relate to how you are feeling. My father has told me that he is leaving me nothing (in terms of inheritance) because "there's plenty of money in your mother's family". My recent trip to FL has reopened some wounds for my mother - who essentially lost out on a loving relationship with her mother and her father. Mothers like you and me are hyperaware of the effects of divorce on our children - and would walk across hot coals to ensure they have an intact cohesive family - I'll be praying for God's peace and comfort for you today.

    Hugs and kisses,

  2. Jewel,
    My parents divorced when I was 2. My mom accused my father so much of ruining my brother's life (he was 14 at the time) that he said, "fine. I'll stay out of Cynthia's life" Great.
    Though he lived 15 minutes from me, I saw him only once from age 4 - 17 when I made the first attempt to reconcile. I spent most of my adult life fighting for a relationship with him. The last years of his life were wonderful years but it took so long to get there. He died 3 years ago.
    I thought the divorce bitterness would be over (my goodness, it's been 41 years ago!!!) but I lived with it all that time with my Mom and she still finds a way to be bitter toward a man who is no longer living.
    very sad.
    It was such a part of my life that I didn't realize how much the divorce had affected me until my husband pointed it out after years of being married. He basically made me realize that I had a right to be angry, to be hurt, to work through all of that crap that I was never allowed to because I was having to be the adult in the situation. I did.
    and still sometimes, I am blindsided by the eternal consequences of divorce.

  3. Sounds rotten.
    It is always good practice to invite people even if you think they won't be interested. You are right, it feels good to be asked, even if you aren't able to attend.
    Hope you are doing OK!

  4. Jewls I don't really have a family either, my parents can't stand each other to this day. I don't know anything that's going on. Jason and I vowed to give our kids the real family, the one we didn't have, the one I didn't have but always wanted. I want to give my kids love and respect and freedom of choice.
    Sorry you are feeling rotten, I don't have the dad that you described but my dad is pretty disconnected, we talk about twice a year.

  5. Your never to old to be adopted. Do you want to be our newest oldest kid? (We already have pictures of your kids up)


Awaiting your words......
♥ Juls ♥