I have been grieving in that quiet, I can't even cry about it way over the implosion of my relationship with my dad since February. It isn't a crippling grief, but always there just under the surface. I can't really even go there. Daily reminders include an unopened birthday card that sits on my desk. It may seem a bitter pill that I won't just open it and cash the check - but this bank no longer accepts payments to assuage the payee's guilt. A $20, $30, $50 check a year does not a relationship make. I love my dad dearly - but he refuses to be a part of my life, and therein lies the fracture.
But this was to be a happy post. I have been realizing that Papa is filling in the gaps - a little at a time to help that aching void not be so big and he is doing so with those of the male persuasion in my life.
Earlier today I was working here on my computer, and I thought of Travis. I was thinking how much I love him and was just about to text him and tell him so, when the phone rang. It was him. He was just calling to tell me he loves me. Eros.
Just a little while ago, Kullen came into my bathroom and said he had to ask me something. He said, "Mom, do you think you've done a good job raising me so far?" I was brushing my teeth and not able to really say much when he continued, "Cause I do. I love you mom. You do a great job with me." Wow. I told him I didn't think I had a whole lot to do with it and that I think he is a pretty terrific person all on his own.
Then there is Mason, Dylan, Jonathan, Daniel, David, Josh, Noah...... Yep - they have reminded me of a lot of the guys that I miss in WV. They are playful, intelligent, funny, creative, thoughtful, polite, irreverent and funny. I have had this huge hole in my life for Kameron, Justin, Dillon, Cody, Devan, Jamie. I love the girls too - but the guys are just different. I have missed my boys - who are slowly but surely turning into young men while we are all so far apart.
I am thankful for the constant care of a loving Father.