02 March 2008

Goodbye Alice in Wonderland

One of my favorite songs lately has been this one on my FineTune player called "Goodbye Alice in Wonderland" - where Jewel has written about her disillusionment with Hollywood. I am in a time of disillusionment too. I love the line....I crave reality. I am tired of waiting for things to turn out all right in the end. There are things that I know will never be - and this song has been a comfort to me as I see past the things that I have dreamed and pretended for my life.

I am coming to terms with the truth, the realities of what is and have had a lot of pain as I have let go a little at a time of what will never be.
He will never say he's sorry.
She will never see your side.
The pain will never be acknowledged.
The power to hurt me is mine to give away.
Pretending perpetuates a lie.
I am enough, whether they acknowledge it or not.
I don't have to try so hard.
That which is named love that only ever hurts is not love. Call it what it is - agony, cruelty, selfishness.
I will never be thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, wealthy enough, marry a man who is good enough, give birth to special enough children, have a nice enough house, drive a nice enough car, wear my hair the right style or color, make the right choices, say the right words, wear the right clothes, live in the right neighborhood, keep my house clean enough, have the right friends, sing, dance, read, write, breathe, walk, speak, run, jump, sit, stand, never never never enough to earn their love or approval. It will always elude me, like a ghost I chase or a dream I wake from before I reach the end, before the hero makes the rescue.

To them I will always be an unmet obligation, a thorn in the side, an unspoken guilt hanging over like a cloud, a place to perform with shallow birthday cards, and promises that aren't worth their spoken breath. The purpose served as a pawn in the game they played as opponents has been fulfilled. The thread that tied adversaries together, resented just because it exists.

I am waking up.
Goodbye Alice, it's been nice knowing you.
Melodramatic? Yes. True? Absolutely.


  1. The perfect revenge is being stronger than our parents raised us to be.

    The answer is to be healthier than our unhealthy childhoods should allow.

    It points to our reliance on our true Father, who never falls short.

    You don’t have to try to be good enough for Him.

    You already are.

  2. The words to that song reminded me of another song that I absolutely love - He Still Loves Me from the movie, The Fighting Temptations. You can see a youtube of the video here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAinzW3NUQk.

  3. I'm not much for hugging but sometimes it's appropriate.
    Consider yourself hugged Jewls. I'm so glad you are letting go and thank you for being so real and raw and open, it will be all right. IT is all right, you are good enough, strong enough and more than enough, you don't need anyone's approval but your own. Be free dear, let it go, unchain yourself from the bondage.

    Love Ya Lots :)

  4. How about if I adopt you and you can be my perfect child forever?

  5. Great words- so much more meaningful that some of the pop fluff out there!

  6. Not "melodramatic"; honest and powerful!

  7. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3a4kUQ7N-Eo

    I agree with Stephanie and Tricia. With His love, you are "Free".


Awaiting your words......
♥ Juls ♥