18 October 2005

Chaos, Chaos, Chaos

I have a lot going on in my life right now - and even though there are the physical things, like homeschooling, schedules like work and housekeeping, activities like roller skating and Awanas and play practice - most of the chaos is in my head. I have spent my prayer time each morning for the past couple just trying to quiet my mind enough to focus on telling the Lord about the spinning feeling. My mind wanders and I feel guilty. I don't know how to get focused - and partly that is because I am avoiding some things I know that I have to do.
The biggest of those things is writing a difficult letter. I have at least made a step in that I wrote the draft about a week ago. When I re-read it, it sounded much like that sound you hear from down the hall in the middle of the night when your kid gets a stomach virus and between two of the wretching sounds is a gasping call for "MOM!" Yep - it sounded a bit like that - and that is not at all what I want to convey. I want to speak the truth in love, and yet everytime I attempt to think it through or write about it, this nasty, foul stuff is all that comes out. So I wait - but not patiently or peacefully knowing that the Lord's timing is right - but anxiously turning it over and over in my mind. As I lay in bed at night, the rough draft begins to re-write itself in my head, and my heart aches because what I will say, even in love, I know will hurt. What I really want to do is what I did before I was a Christian - I want to run away. I want my house to sell quickly, so I can get out of this situation, and never have to deal with it. The Lord allows no peace when my thoughts go here. I have been wrestling Him for two months on the issue, and the only time I feel like the match stops is when I settle it in my mind that the only right thing to do is to write the letter - and convey a message of love and forgiveness. Perhaps the Lord has not allowed me to write the complete letter because He knows I am not there yet.
Everything else I am juggling is much easier than this burden I am carrying. I am going to continue to seek His help in this area. I know He is patient with me, even when I am like a wiggly child, squirming on His lap. I am so thankful that He is the perfect parent - unlike me who would be saying "sit still!", "be quiet!", "pay attention!" The Lord just continues to patiently pull me back into His arms and speaks to my heart with that still small voice until I gaze into His eyes - and all of these trials and troubles melt away when I get my focus on Him!

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Awaiting your words......
♥ Juls ♥