24 October 2005
The last few days I have felt unable to blog. Truthfully, I have felt unable to do much of anything productive without extreme amounts of effort and energy. Mentally, my mind has come to a stand still in all creative elements, and spun uncontrollably with all thoughts that preoccupy me. I have prayers on my lips for names that crush me to speak, and in my heart an ache instead of a song. I know there are others that have much pain around something that is happening at my church home where I have grown in the Lord, laughed and loved for the past 10+ years. My desire is for my heart to be laid bare on the altar before the Lord that He might use me to help bring healing. I keep hearing the words to the Third Day song - "Cry Out to Jesus" - this is what I am doing. I am perhaps without friends - but the Lord knows my heart, and every motive is clear to Him - I will leave it up to Him to reveal truth to blinded eyes - or not. He knows of my love for those that are hurting - I need not defend what is true. A ministry of reconciliation is what I seek - and if it is not to be, I will plead to the Lord to give me a peaceful heart to accept that human relationships will be sin-stained this side of heaven - and not allow my heart to shrivel for fear. God - help me love in a way that abandons my own selfish needs in relationships with others - and love the way Jesus loved - forsaking His own life that those He loved could reap the benefits.
Musings of justjuls at 5:12 PM