Ready to be Angry?

I talked to a friend from Texas the other evening and she told me some disturbing news. It appears that insurance companies are giving folks whose homes were damaged due to the storm surge some trouble because the homes were damaged directly by the hurricane. Common sense says that without a hurricane there is no storm surge - but it seems like another ways for insurance companies to split hairs to keep from paying people. It makes me so angry!

The Waiting Game

I have been waiting for 3 weeks for yesterday. It has felt like an eternity. I was to go to the GYN's office and get the results of my multiple tests. I am sure they don't have electricity nor a staff at the office to answer the phone. Phone calls don't even transfer to their answering service. Life is dramatically different than it was just those few short weeks ago. Most of my symptoms are still there - some are slightly worse and some are slightly better for reasons I know but can't explain. I just want to know what's going on one way or the other.
But Hurricane Ike changed things.
So I wait.

Sometimes it Takes a Disaster to Clean Things Up

I know - easy for me to say right? My house is in one piece. All members of my family are intact. Life can go back to normal fairly easily once the electricity goes back on. The losses are few. The inconveniences are minimal. My kids and I aren't even at our house - so we haven't even given up more than a night's sleep. We are provided with a bed to sleep in, privacy, and creature comforts. But for me the prevailing thought in my mind the last few days was how no disaster swirling around me could ever compare to the disaster that I have felt for most of my life on the inside.
Relationships with family have always been awkward. The feeling of not really belonging with either side has always caused extreme discomfort. The fragility has been delicate to the point of apologizing for taking up space where someone else far more worthy might reside including in my own skin. I can't even begin to articulate the brokenness, shame, guilt, and fear that have surrounded me.
This visit with my family has been different than ever before. I know a lot of it is me. I am different. I have changed. As my friend Stephanie would say, "I've had the stick removed". I feel so cared for by my dad. I can't explain that - it isn't like he never tried to take care of me - but where it may have seemed obligatory before, it now feels like he wants to make sure we know we are loved here. My nieces and nephews have grabbed my heart in a new way, and Aunt Julie's heart is so full that it could burst at their songs, their antics, their toothless grins. My sister (I know you are reading Laurie!) and I are having absolutely so much fun together. She has me addicted to her favorite show "Prison Break" - but I just love hanging out with her.
Hurricane Ike brought not only the winds of destruction, but the winds of change.

A Post Not From My Phone

Today is the first chance I've had to actually look at my blog. How funny it is to see that I virtually took you with me along the way. It is pretty difficult to type too much on that Blackberry QWERTY keyboard - but I tried to keep everyone that might care posted about what we were doing and where we were. I hope you enjoyed it more than I did! Just kidding - actually it was an adventure - and truth be told - I'm always up for anything that breaks up the monotony of my life - however I may rethink the whole hurricane/evacuation thing.
I am starting to catch up on sleep - got a solid 8 hours last night. I am still amazed and think it is a blessing from the Lord that the missed night of sleep didn't impact me harder than it did. I was tired - don't get me wrong. I got all the way to NC and pulled over to try to sleep - but I just couldn't - between the excitement of being "almost here" and the adrenaline and noise of the kids it just wasn't happening.
I spent the weekend off my computer. I got direct orders from my big boss not to worry about anything but my family for a few days - and I did just that. I enjoyed my family. We went to a football game on Saturday morning and celebrated Kullen's birthday that afternoon. Yesterday we went to church and I got to sit between my sister and my dad, and words can't describe that feeling of living an answered prayer.
In some ways it felt bad - I hate knowing that Travis has no electricity and for a time had no water while we are enjoying our family. It was his choice - but all the same my heart was with him all the way. There is still no electricity and the estimates tell us 3 weeks to a month. I hope it is an inflated estimate.
Watching the news this morning, I can't believe how many people refused to evacuate south of us. Where I live it may have been understandable - but on that coast, I just can't imagine.
More later - thanks for hanging with my singularly focused blog for a while.

Anti-Climatic

Well Gustav has proved to be gustless, at least as far as east Texas is concerned. I know that Louisiana got slammed. I guess it would be inappropriate to thank them for taking the wind out of his sails. I am thankful nonetheless that it turned out not to be too much for us. House intact. Hubby safely at home in bed, possibly going to work tomorrow. Kids and I spent hours with Memaw Myrtice and Great Aunt Julia playing "Golf" (card game with 9 cards that Lizbeth taught us years ago) and Apples to Apples. There was chocolate. All in all not a bad deal.
I was displaced from my bed for a couple of days. Not growing up in a house of hunters, I laid near the hearth here last night under a deer head and fell asleep worrying about being impaled by the antlers if it fell off the wall in the middle of the night.
I just want to go home. It gives me great compassion for those who are not in their own beds tonight, and won't be "home" for a while to come. I have always wondered why people choose to live in areas that are often ravaged by tropical storms, near fault lines, etc. Now I know - it is because there is no place like home, wherever that may be.
Tropical storm Gustav has not blown through this area yet, but when he does, it is sure to be anti-climatic.

Live Blogging Gustav

It has gotten significantly darker here in the past hour. I am at my mother-in-law's house which is only an hour north from where I live. I can't seem to think about anything but the weather, and yet it seems to be freaking me out. The local radio forecaster's report made my mother-in-law cry - something not easily done. CNN is listing it as a category 1 storm. I just want to go home. To increase the anxiety - I have not been able to reach Travis in the last hour. There is nothing to do but sit and wait for Gustav to show himself.
Update: 3:25 pm - just talked to Travis - he is fine.

A Specific Prayer Request

We still have not evacuated - but the good news is that the roads seem pretty clear - a lot better at any rate than they were yesterday. There is a tiny part of me trying to convince myself to stay at home with my husband. I hate the idea of him being here - and equally the thought of being an imposition on someone else. But I know the way the thunderstorms strike fear in my heart here - and I can't imagine how my poor nerves would survive the sounds of trees falling and things hitting the house.
The good news is that with all of the things going on with the weather, I've barely thought about all the medical things going on with me, except when they stand up and make me take notice.
But right now I have a serious medical issue on my mind. Kullen has not had much trouble with his asthma since starting a new maintenance medication. We have been so pleased with the results. But in the last couple of days I think he has missed a dose or two - keeping late hours and having a distracted mommy who hasn't followed behind him to make sure he's taken it. The results, wheezing. Yesterday, he went to use his inhaler and said words that struck fear into my heart, "It's empty." The pharmacies are closed. I think the obvious question is why don't we have a back-up - and the answer to that question is because it isn't allowed. I have repeatedly asked - and been told repeatedly that our insurance will not pay for more than one at a time. Travis hooked up an inverter in the back of the car to an accessory car battery that he charged up. I sure hope it will work to power the nebulizer, should we need it. Please pray for my boy to be safe and that we can calm his asthma before Gustav visits.

And yes, I am leaving around 2 pm central time. Taking the kids to see Mama Mia in my MIL's town, and then we'll settle in.

Gustav is Keeping Me Awake

Who is Gustav you ask?
He is not my sweetheart, preventing my slumber by whispering sweet nothings in my ear.
He is the horrific storm that is bearing down on us.
I want to get up and head out before the mandatory evacuees to the south clog up the roadways. The wee little town in which I live has seen two lane bumper to bumper traffic all day.
Last night, I was so irritated about how this hurricane preparation hijacked my last few days to hang out with Lizbeth, and punch drunk from lack of sleep, that I started ranting. In an angry.Russian.accent. (Apologies to my dear -Dinskys.)
*insert said accent here*
I will take Gustav and pinch off his nose and stick it in his ear!
I will kick Gustav behind the knees and say "Take that you filthy animal!"
I will bit Gustav on the ear and say, "How do you like that?"

Don't try to make sense of it. There is no end to the silliness. Yes, Lizbeth is gone and Gustav is on his way. Oh the insanity of it all.

Can You Say E-vac-yew-ate

It's official - in light of Hurricane Gustav's direct path to our area, voluntary evacuations start tomorrow around noon. On the radio tonight it stated that if the course remains as it is, mandatory evacuations will follow. If I don't blog for a while - you'll know where I am - likely sitting on the highway somewhere between home and my mother-in-law's house.
We decided that Travis would stay home and watch our house. The people we have talked to about Hurricane Rita which devastated our area in 2005 (prior to our residence) said that most of the damage to their homes was from water that came in after the storm.
I am going for higher ground. Thunderstorms here can send me to my closet for shelter - so I'm trying to play it safe. Please pray for us - this is scary and surreal. The military has shown up on the local highways, and the President declared a state of emergency. Gas prices rose 10 cents per gallon in the course of the day today, and our local station ran out at one point. We were lucky enough to happen by when they were getting refilled. There are tankers delivering gas all up and down the highways. People are swiping the shelves clean of canned goods, including me. My husband gave me a mandate this morning, "Don't think healthy - just stock up!" I am sure there is a limit to the amount of ranch style beans and spam we can eat - but let's consider this our little contribution to science as we do the research to find out.
I think I prefer snow.
If you are a real life friend, my cell phone will be on - call anytime for an update.
Also continue to pray for the Drews family as they remain heavily on my heart. What a chaotic situation for them as they prepare for their baby's funeral. Jesus be their shelter.

Catch-all Post

Nine hours after the first kitten was born, more finally started to appear. This morning I woke up to six baby kittens in my closet. They are beautiful, just like her last litter. We are going to definitely make an appointment to get her fixed this go-round. I am not sure she can handle any more pregnancies, nor can I. I hate to admit it - but I am totally in love with this cat, and if something happened to her, I would be beside myself as apparent in how I reacted to the sight of something unexpected yesterday morning. The poor nurse at the vet's office talked to me three times yesterday! Lord help me when I actually become a grandmother to human babies!
I have 24 personal pan pizza crusts to make today - and thankfully, I found a pizza crust recipe that is really good. It is a Pizza Hut mock pan pizza recipe. I will share it here later when I have a minute to type it up. We are hosting a youth pizza / movie night at our house for the local homeschool group. It ought to be fun!
Yes, Hurricane Humberto did aim straight for our area. There were power outages and flooding all over the area just south of us where Travis works, but we never really even got much rain. It was the most bizarre thing - a hurricane forms one morning over the Gulf of Mexico and makes landfall that night. Very unusual indeed. Fortunately based on the where it developed, it did not have a chance to gain strength. I saw on the news last night where one house with an elderly couple were sleeping had the roof sheared off and the entire house was moved 7 feet off of its slab.
I really don't like these catch all posts - but really none of these things in and of itself make much to post about. Besides I was trying to dump it all out of my head so I can get on with my busy day! Hope you're having a great Friday!

Wine if You Want To

I was sort of thinking about this title sung to the tune of the B-52s song "Roam" - remember "Roam if you want to, all around the world" but insert the word "wine" and picture my chubby little self dancing! In light of the potential landfall of Hurricane Dean, I got together with my cajun neighbor to have coffee and discuss what we do if we do indeed hear that is coming this way. At first I thought she was going to be no help, telling me to get in my car and get the heck out of Dodge and all. Then she suggested we make a run to the county line liquor store and get some good wine, and I changed my opinion on the matter. I like wine, but I tend to prefer sweet ones like Blackberry Merlot and Strawberry Zinfadel. She was telling me about Cabernet Sauvignon - saying how good it was, dry but great with Italian food. So we were off. Then we had a glass of wine which perfectly balanced the effects of the strong cup of coffee we had previous to our outing. It was a lovely glass of wine, not sweet at all, but also not bitter. It was so nice to sit in the kitchen of my new friend and relax with a nice glass of wine, and know that whatever happens with the impending storm, if I'm tossed up in the air like Dorothy from Kansas, I will still land on my feet, and God will still give me friends to share in the journey.

Weather - Ugh

There is much talk in the area about Hurricane Dean. I just read the local television stations website with up to date information about the storm and read this disheartening phrase: forecasters saying it could turn into a monster Category 5 storm within 72 hours. Not what somebody new to hurricane weather wants to read. I also checked this out on an almanac site, and even if the hurricane doesn't make a direct path toward us, we are going to have a wet and dreary week! Ugh. Please pray for us.

False Sense of Security

The area where we moved took a hard hit by Hurricane Rita about a year and a half ago. (Sept. 05)The general area has cleaned up and recovered for the most part, although there are houses which nobody will ever live in again here and there. But, it really struck me on a hike in the Big Thicket how devastating that storm was. A large number of mature trees were laying on their sides all in the same direction. I just stood there and imagined what it must have been like. A truly terrifying experience. Many of the trees were mature with deep roots and yet pulled straight out of the ground. (What a picture as I prayed God would make me like the ones that were able to stand during the terrible storm.)
I have been having repeated conversations with people over the past couple weeks about how nothing is sure except Jesus. The people in our Sunday school class have shared much about their experience through the storm - and I have noticed how many life lessons they learned through that experience, as every subject of any depth that comes up seems to have a "Rita" story attached to it. Many of these people for the first time in their lives faced daily living without electricity, refrigeration, clean water. It was uncharacteristically HOT for that time of the year and there were epic proportions of mosquitoes.
The stories they tell make me think of the storms in my life. Seasons of my husband being unemployed, having a baby with serious health problems, having to move out of a rent house because the owners sell it or decide they want to move back in, my parents' divorce as a young child, rocky seasons in my marriage, the insecurity of leaving stable home and best group of friends I have ever known, etc. The strong winds blow over and over in this life. During those times of trial, you realize in a raw an tangible way that there is nothing secure except our Lord. No college education, job, family situation, no relationship, no lifestyle. Absolutely nothing, including our next breath is guaranteed us. Strangely we realize these things in times of trial, but when life gets good again, our minds shroud this truth of great importance. We start relying on our own abilities, and what our own hands have made.
Lord, make my heart ever aware that you are the only thing in this life that is faithful, sure and true.

TEXAS - Prayer Request and a Funny!

We have many family members in Texas right now that we cannot contact by telephone. We are very worried about them. Travis' grandmother is 92 years old, and she is with his parents and aunt, cousin and her three very small children. They are already very tired from being in the car yesterday for 19 hours. My dad just called and said he heard that Lufkin, their hometown was being reported from on CNN and that they are in harms way and should probably be evacuating. We haven't been able to get a phone line to Texas all day. Gas is also in very short supply there. Usually I am glad that I do not have cable - but right know I am only getting bits and pieces of what's happening from others. I will trust in my great big God to protect them. I am asking you to ask Him to take care of them and all the people in danger from this terrible storm tonight.

On a lighter note, one morning this week, Kullen and I were driving Travis to work so that we could have the car for the day. On the way back, on WGTS 91.9, they had an elementary school class saying the Pledge of Allegiance. Having worked with Kullen on that last year, I was coaxing him to say it with me and them. He didn't seem to remember much of it - and so I started in my mommy lecturing way telling him how important it was to know the pledge if you live in America. He is in the backseat, and I was looking at his face in the rearview mirror when he said, "Mom, pretty soon, we won't LIVE in America. We'll live in Texas!" I just cracked up! And I remembered the blinkie that I pasted just above this paragraph!!!! Too funny! I can't wait till he gets to tell Memaw and Papa that one!

Reality Check

I was having a bad day. Everything was stressing me out. Ever have one of those days when you know that you are overwhelmed, but even that knowledge isn't enough to pull yourself back together and get it in check??? Well it was one of those days - living in the flesh- being short tempered, and trying foolishly to regain control on my own. There was not good news from the union today - and although it is likely temporary (they have to investigate the employer that withheld his final paycheck illegally) - I wanted it to get better NOW! I am ashamed to see how much my temperament can remindme of a two year old not getting their way is sometimes. I feel a bit like I am in quicksand - pulling harder, and harder, and HARDER - as if there is one thing I can do to make anything happen any faster than it is happening. When we first decided to move - our goal was to be in Texas by the beginning of August - and we didn't even get the house on the market until late August. I didn't want to start the school year here - and am being forced with so much else going on in or lives to try and get things going.. Wah Wah Wah

And then it happened - just before dinner my husband turned on the news - and the first half hour of stories were about the victims of Hurricane Katrina in Louisiana and Mississippi - and suddenly my problems didn't seem so bad. Families have lost their homes, people are looking for loved ones, levees have broken and cities are flooded, people are making mass exodus from their hometowns to unknown places, and highways are literally jammed with people trying to leave the ravaged areas.. It is just heartwrenching.

I don't know how it is so easy to get off track - caught up in sin - as Paul says that "so easily entangles". I repent - in dust and ashes - well at least cobwebs and an unswept floor! Turn my complaining to intercession for the needs of others Lord, and help me not to be so focused on the ridiculously minute details of my own little life and reality. Give me eyes to see the things that are eternally important.

For those affected by Hurricane Katrina