A Fist Full of Ashes

Healing is a process. I keep telling myself this - like a mantra that is followed with this positive affirmation "it is okay to be in process".  Nobody likes to be in process - preferring much more to have arrived at the destination of a whole mind and non-fractured spirit, at least insofar as healing is concerned.

A friend shared this scripture from Isaiah 61 with me at last night's group meeting - and though I'd heard it a million times before, this piece was illuminated to me:

".....to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair....."

How easily my spirit despairs.  I looked the word up in my concordance and it means to [smolder].  

smol·der  /ˈsmōldər/ verb: burn slowly with smoke but no flame

The despair is a slow burn - and unchecked it will eat.me.alive.  The smallest thing can trigger deep feelings of worthlessness, the tiniest injury can unearth catastrophic old wounds. It takes constant effort to remember that I am no longer trapped in an abusive marriage or childhood.  It takes intentional choices not to react with the same defensive behaviors - which can range anywhere from lashing out in fear to scurrying into the shadows like a skiddish animal.  It is taking time and conscious effort to trust myself, others and God.

This phrase

beauty for ashes, beauty for ashes, beauty for ashes

keeps rolling through my mind.  Some of the despair has been necessary - to allow this old life to burn away. These ashes are all that is left of my old life - and yet I often hold them in fists clenched tight.  The crown of beauty may be preferable to most - but to reach out for it means to let some of these ashes spill out of my hands.  

Counting Armadillos a/k/a "Be Quiet James!"

Gosh - have you ever noticed how some people are so good at calling a spade a spade! Don't you sometimes just hate and love them at the same time for it!? Well, our friend James, sort of like a father figure who isn't old enough to be your father kicked my butt with the comment on my last post. I know it was God who put our family here - it was He who has done the leading and us the following all along. Why can't I trust Him for the smaller things? Sell my house that I prayed 10 years to have, pep talk my children all the way across 1500 miles, and as a child of divorce who moved and changed schools more than I care to mention - I let go of the sense of security living in the same area and developing long term friendships had given me. I trusted God for each step of the way - but now I'm here, and I grow fainthearted at times. Yes, I was whining. I was having a very bad night. Travis is sick and hopped up on about all the cold medicine I can legally give him, and in a total fog. If you talk to him, you get a "Huh?" snort, sniffle cough cough cough. No excuses though - butt adequately kicked and a swift step back in line. The strangest thing is that deep in my heart is a dream of going on the mission field - and while it is possibly a fantasy, doing something like telling people about Jesus seems more important to make such a sacrifice for than the reasons I came to Texas, which was NOT to count armadillos. (BTW I've only seen one!) I promised Travis I wouldn't look back - I would make a life here with him. Please Lord help me, because I am not having any success on my own! (duh! same lesson for the 7,894,348,397,573,032, 577,378,173, 234,093th time!)

A Circle of Friends

I have the best group of girlfriends in the entire world. I have many, many blessings in my life - I was born in a country where I can worship the Lord freely, I have a husband that is faithful and committed to me and our children, I am part of an awesome body of believers in a place where I have grown both personally and spiritually. One of the greatest treasures among these blessings is the friends the Lord has literally poured into my life. They are Christian women, some are mothers, some are homeschoolers, and they come in all shapes and sizes, personalities, and each one of them provides something unique to my life that none other can. (I am going to try and write about them individually in future posts - so keep looking for that!)

Last night, we had a "girls night out". It was pretty nice, after being somewhat cooped up and sick, although I didn't do the late movie - I did go and have dinner and I enjoyed it so much. There were ten of us together. Some there I have known for the entire ten years I have made my home here. One was ten years old when I first met her and has grown into a lovely 20 year old woman that I want to be more like when I "grow up". And there was one I have only met within this past year who is as dear as the rest. The company and conversation were wonderful.

The world I lived in before being a believer, I was surrounded mainly by women who spent their time and money at the mall, or having their hair and nails done. Now anybody who knows me will know how out of place I am in that kind of environment! I HATE the mall. I only go there on an "as needed" basis - meaning there is something there I cannot find anywhere else. Relationships were shallow, and very unsatisfying. But these Christian women have brought something to my life that I am not sure I can live without.

Here is that trust issue coming up again. Do I believe that God will provide something that now seems a necessity in my life? Can I trust that if He is taking me a starting over point, where I will have to make new friends that during that time, that I still have my "best" friend in Him? Will I allow Him to take me through a season of loneliness to teach me something new?

I have noticed recently, even in group settings, I have been feeling lonely. It may sound weird, but even while I am with people, I am starting to miss them. I have been thanking the Lord that He is providing these opportunities to experience the ocean wave of emotion, before the tsunami comes in and wipes my life bare of everything familiar. But I know that even then He will be my stronghold. Currently my favorite song is by a group called Kutless - which is often a little too much for me - but they put out a worship CD - and have a song called "Strong Tower". It plays in my head a lot, and I know the Lord allows that track to remind me that the One who has my life in His hands is able to carry me even through this.