In this healing process that the kids and I are going through, there seem to be stops and starts. One thing for certain is that I have to keep a check on how busy I allow myself to be, as sort of a self-preservation method. If I am constantly on the go go go and busily doing this, that and the other, there is little time to think about all that is happening.
I get anxious when I think beyond this current time period. If I try to let my mind wander even six months down the road, I become preoccupied with where I want to be - physically, emotionally, in life, in the healing process. It overwhelms me, and so like the "take action" kind of girl that I am, I start trying to develop a plan on how to get there. This is never productive, specifically because I don't know how to get there. All I know is that this day, and this moment are a gift from God, and He is helping me through it.
I don't want anyone to get the impression that I'm falling apart. I have my moments. Certain things still have the ability to bring me to my knees. I am still quite capable of tears, but I know there will come a day when I'll be stronger. God is daily teaching me that His grace is sufficient for me this day. If I can stay focused on that, it is a good day.
I heard about a divorce care group at a local church, and I am thinking about joining. I haven't decided yet. I think it could be pretty toxic, and have no desire to sit around and listen to a bunch of ex-bashing. So, if I check it out it will be by sticking my toe in and testing the waters. I also want to be extremely careful - the circumstances of my situation have the opportunity to paint me the victim. I have no desire to be such.
There is this learning curve. I know that I never had a partner in life before, and that instead of carrying part of the load, I had an extra burden and a force beating me down, literally and figuratively that handicapped me. There is a peace amidst the chaos. I know we're going to be alright. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time, hand in hand with my Papa.
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
25 April 2009
07 December 2007
Respect for Children
One of the reasons - one amongst millions we have chosen not to institutionally educate our children, is because of the ability the "system" has to make your children into a number, part of the pack, a face in the crowd. I remember being traumatized in middle school because my pants split all the way down the seam and the teacher would not let me call my mom - in fact she told me to return to my seat. I have seen other kids wet their pants because they were denied a bathroom break, or told they didn't need a drink of water. When you discuss these things with certain people you get the attitude that these kinds of things prepare children for the "real world". I don't know about you, but as an adult, nobody prevents me from using the restroom when I need to, or getting a drink if I'm thirsty. Aside from wanting our children home with us so that we could be their primary influence, and as parents have the opportunity to guide their hearts towards the Lord, we never wanted them to have to endure the humiliation that can be heaped on children who are not thought of as individuals with thoughts, wants, dreams and real physical needs.
Too late.....
I wasn't going to blog about this, but I think I have to since blogging is therapy. I am working on forgiving which was another reason for the hesitancy, feeling that this story will enrage others, and thus fuel the anger, instead of the aiding my quest towards letting go of what could grow into a very large resentment.
My son was sent out of his PE class at co-op the other day. I was surprised to find him sitting in the office when I went into a back office to print off the Mom's Notes newsletter that is one of my duties. He followed me and said, "Mom, I got sent out of PE." I said, "Why?" He said, "Mom, I don't know."
As a mom, I'm thinking that something is missing to this story, but I know my son. I know what he is capable of, and yet, I have also known adults to be unfair, unkind and even *gasp* wrong. I started asking what he was doing. His class was doing some sort of aerobic work out which is very cardiovascular. He said that he started to feel that his chest was tight, so he went to the side and sat out. I asked him if he was disturbing the class, he said no. I asked him if he was doing something the teacher asked him not to do, he said no. About a dozen more questions of everything I could think of that he might have possibly done to deserve the most serious disciplinary action we can take at the co-op - and all answers "no".
Let's back up a bit and clarify that he is severely asthmatic. He was sick the previous week with a cold, getting up in the middle of the night for breathing treatments, and taking his inhaler frequently through the day. The PE coach was informed about this at the beginning of the year, and seemed very agreeable and on board with letting him stop whenever he needed to. I explained to her then that we let HIM say when HE needs a break - we don't qualify it because he is really the only one who knows his body.
Fast forward to this day, I tried to find the coach to discuss this with her. I even called her at home and on her cell phone that evening, and could not reach her. This was Monday, and finally on Wednesday morning, I was able to get in touch with her. Our conversation started with her saying this, "I think we have a spiritual issue here."
I took a deep breath. I hate it when people over-spiritualize everything. We are spiritual beings, and everything we do is spiritual - but there seems to be this hocus-pocus mystical thing that goes on where people weigh and judge one another in this realm. Ugh.
I let her speak. I listened.
My summation of what she said is that she thinks my son uses his asthma to sit out when he doesn't want to do something. I asked if he disturbs the class. No. I asked if he disobeys something when she specifically asks him to do something. No. I asked if he is disrespectful to her. No.
She said on the day in question that he had gone to the side and sat out, and then laid down on the floor. I asked her if she asked him to sit up. She said no, she didn't have time to stop and do that. What she did have time to do was walk over to him and tell him to "get up and go to the office" - and he said she was angry.
She said he sits out when they do something hard - but participates in the things that are fun. I asked her what the hard things were. Aerobics or heavy work-outs. I explained that asthma, being a respiratory illness would respond more severely to these types of things and make his refraining more legitimate - not that I think on any planet near or far, I need to prove this to her.
She said that this has been bothering her all year, and yet she has not said one word to me or Kullen. She hasn't ever said that she thinks he gives up too easy or that he could try harder.
In any case, I am thankful that she did not push him to continue the activity. However, I am very concerned that she feels it is her place to evaluate whether he is having a legitimate issue with his asthma or not.
The coach is a first year homeschool mom. She doesn't really "get" homeschooling yet. She told me she has been very frustrated and feels that homeschooled kids all think they can do what they want, whenever they want, and that they will be ill-prepared for the real world. Again, I refer you to the first paragraph here - where I ask you what bodily functions would be denied, or told we were using chronic illnesses to "get our way", or were forced for that matter to participate in an athletic activity we did not choose. What is "real world" about that?
Anyway - I have talked to the appropriate people, and have a little peace that they are keeping an eye on the situation. But in my heart, I am so frustrated that people get away with treating children in a way we would never treat another adult. I am furious that my son was discriminated against because of an illness, and that someone would think it is their place to assess his "spiritual condition". I am humiliated for him that he was sent without his shoes to sit in an office when I deal with other kids in class throughout the day who are displaying willful disobedience who are at least given a warning. He was sent out without a clue as to what he was doing wrong, and taunted as we went to our car by an obnoxious boy in his class. I feel a bit helpless that as important as this was to me that we were not able to protect him from this kind of situation.
I need to get past this. I know I need to forgive. Any thoughts or suggestions on how I do this? If the same thing had been done to me, I'd be over it already, but do it to my child and we have a different dimension of anger, frustration, and resentment to deal with - the Mama Bear kind.
Too late.....
I wasn't going to blog about this, but I think I have to since blogging is therapy. I am working on forgiving which was another reason for the hesitancy, feeling that this story will enrage others, and thus fuel the anger, instead of the aiding my quest towards letting go of what could grow into a very large resentment.
My son was sent out of his PE class at co-op the other day. I was surprised to find him sitting in the office when I went into a back office to print off the Mom's Notes newsletter that is one of my duties. He followed me and said, "Mom, I got sent out of PE." I said, "Why?" He said, "Mom, I don't know."
As a mom, I'm thinking that something is missing to this story, but I know my son. I know what he is capable of, and yet, I have also known adults to be unfair, unkind and even *gasp* wrong. I started asking what he was doing. His class was doing some sort of aerobic work out which is very cardiovascular. He said that he started to feel that his chest was tight, so he went to the side and sat out. I asked him if he was disturbing the class, he said no. I asked him if he was doing something the teacher asked him not to do, he said no. About a dozen more questions of everything I could think of that he might have possibly done to deserve the most serious disciplinary action we can take at the co-op - and all answers "no".
Let's back up a bit and clarify that he is severely asthmatic. He was sick the previous week with a cold, getting up in the middle of the night for breathing treatments, and taking his inhaler frequently through the day. The PE coach was informed about this at the beginning of the year, and seemed very agreeable and on board with letting him stop whenever he needed to. I explained to her then that we let HIM say when HE needs a break - we don't qualify it because he is really the only one who knows his body.
Fast forward to this day, I tried to find the coach to discuss this with her. I even called her at home and on her cell phone that evening, and could not reach her. This was Monday, and finally on Wednesday morning, I was able to get in touch with her. Our conversation started with her saying this, "I think we have a spiritual issue here."
I took a deep breath. I hate it when people over-spiritualize everything. We are spiritual beings, and everything we do is spiritual - but there seems to be this hocus-pocus mystical thing that goes on where people weigh and judge one another in this realm. Ugh.
I let her speak. I listened.
My summation of what she said is that she thinks my son uses his asthma to sit out when he doesn't want to do something. I asked if he disturbs the class. No. I asked if he disobeys something when she specifically asks him to do something. No. I asked if he is disrespectful to her. No.
She said on the day in question that he had gone to the side and sat out, and then laid down on the floor. I asked her if she asked him to sit up. She said no, she didn't have time to stop and do that. What she did have time to do was walk over to him and tell him to "get up and go to the office" - and he said she was angry.
She said he sits out when they do something hard - but participates in the things that are fun. I asked her what the hard things were. Aerobics or heavy work-outs. I explained that asthma, being a respiratory illness would respond more severely to these types of things and make his refraining more legitimate - not that I think on any planet near or far, I need to prove this to her.
She said that this has been bothering her all year, and yet she has not said one word to me or Kullen. She hasn't ever said that she thinks he gives up too easy or that he could try harder.
In any case, I am thankful that she did not push him to continue the activity. However, I am very concerned that she feels it is her place to evaluate whether he is having a legitimate issue with his asthma or not.
The coach is a first year homeschool mom. She doesn't really "get" homeschooling yet. She told me she has been very frustrated and feels that homeschooled kids all think they can do what they want, whenever they want, and that they will be ill-prepared for the real world. Again, I refer you to the first paragraph here - where I ask you what bodily functions would be denied, or told we were using chronic illnesses to "get our way", or were forced for that matter to participate in an athletic activity we did not choose. What is "real world" about that?
Anyway - I have talked to the appropriate people, and have a little peace that they are keeping an eye on the situation. But in my heart, I am so frustrated that people get away with treating children in a way we would never treat another adult. I am furious that my son was discriminated against because of an illness, and that someone would think it is their place to assess his "spiritual condition". I am humiliated for him that he was sent without his shoes to sit in an office when I deal with other kids in class throughout the day who are displaying willful disobedience who are at least given a warning. He was sent out without a clue as to what he was doing wrong, and taunted as we went to our car by an obnoxious boy in his class. I feel a bit helpless that as important as this was to me that we were not able to protect him from this kind of situation.
I need to get past this. I know I need to forgive. Any thoughts or suggestions on how I do this? If the same thing had been done to me, I'd be over it already, but do it to my child and we have a different dimension of anger, frustration, and resentment to deal with - the Mama Bear kind.
18 July 2007
Personal Computers: Extreme Frustration Edition
You won't believe it! I can hardly believe it myself. If you frequent this blog - you know that I had a major computer issue in MAY - where my hard drive failed - and HP had to replace it and send me a new one. It was about 10 days before I was back to normal - somewhat. I lost a folder of pictures and all kinds of other upheaval. Well this evening I was using my computer in a completely normal way - I don't even let the kids touch it because I can't afford to replace the thing - and it suddenly shut down. When it came up it gave me a funny message that my NTLDR (or something like that) was missing. I called HP - still had their number in my phone from just SIX weeks ago - when the last hard drive crashed - and after an hour and a half we determined that I had hard drive failure again. Folks, I just bought the dang thing in December - it is less than seven months old! HP is going to assign a customer service case manager and see about replacing it since it is evident that there is something wrong with the computer. But utter frustration abounds - and the worst part is that most new computers have Windows Vista - the operating system designed by Satan. Oh what a day. If I am a little less present here in my cyber home - you'll know why!
01 May 2007
Like a Cat with Her Fur Rubbed Backwards
We just checked into two adjoining hotel rooms. Girls are taking showers, cheesy shows are on the tube, microwaves are popping popcorn - and me, I'm ticked off. I am tired. Every part of me hurts - my back, my toes, my head, my shoulders, my arms, my calves, even the middle of the bottom of my feet. I am e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d, and frustrated. I was trying to get things out of the car after waiting an eternity for the ever so thorough desk clerk to check me in. Things were falling out of the van, ev-ery-where and my little sweethearts, each carrying their own little belongings and each with a free hand stood inside the front doors of the hotel looking-at-me. I on the other hand must've looked like a pack camel in a caravan with 42 water bottles, 3 unclaimed and mismatched shoes, a 832 pound backpack with dirty underwear hanging out, and sunglasses which used to be on the top of my head now hanging somewhere around my neck. Their friends offered to help - but the young ladies that I am making the unbelievably long, miserable drive for - the ones who want so badly to be at the spring formal with their friends - do they bother to think about anyone besides themselves - oh no! They are too busy calling "first shower", and making sure they have their journals, and makeup, and favorite pillow. Water? Nah, we will ask mom for water later - about two minutes after she's put her jammies on to get into bed. Snacks? We aren't hungry right now - which also means, we'll bug mom to provide something to eat when we are hungry, which will likely be the very most inconvenient moment, just after a stroke and shortly before she achieves mental instability that would qualify her (me) for permanent placement in the funny farm.
I think I know that every human being is basically selfish - but when I am tired like this and I see such a dramatically flamboyant display, it makes me very grouchy!
I DARE them to ask to use my computer! grrrrrrrrrr
I think I know that every human being is basically selfish - but when I am tired like this and I see such a dramatically flamboyant display, it makes me very grouchy!
I DARE them to ask to use my computer! grrrrrrrrrr
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