12 June 2011

Non-Static People

Lately I have been going through what could best be described as a mid-life crisis.  I'm bored, I'm restless, I'm anxious and easily agitated.  I go from laughing to crying and back again.  Some days I wake UP in a funk that doesn't clear most of the day - which is not my usual "bubbly" (as my hubs calls it) demeanor.  I'm impatient (at least in my head) with people over things that should not be so irksome, including myself.  I'm unreasonable and irrational and I wonder how it is possible that anyone could find me lovable in such a state, especially my husband who has been married to me for just nine short months.  If he doesn't occasionally wonder what on earth he has gotten himself into, I think he should be awarded some sort of sainthood.

We were having a discussion about this fledgling personality disorder that I am developing earlier today. He knows that I am, as cliché as it sounds, trying to "find myself" and has been my biggest cheerleader.  Abusive relationships diminish a person's true self, and I am still very much in the healing process.  Often the progression of self-discovery is hindered by self-loathing and you literally have to learn to examine who you are and evaluate that this person in the mirror is good, valued, lovable.  In a lot of ways, Gary has gotten to know me better than I know myself. His honesty and willingness to hold my hand through this unfolding of my true self has made all the difference.  In one of my emotional tantrums, I was asking him if he could still love me as I change and grow. "People aren't static" he said. "I'm going to love you no matter what." 

People aren't static. They are dynamic and changing and organic and vibrant, and I am among them. Being loved securely, come what may is truly the greatest gift imaginable. 


  1. I'm a lurker and a facebook friend and I just have to say that I remember you from way back on your other blog when you were going through the divorce and I love watching this transition that you are going through to find your authentic self. It's raw and it's real and you've found love again, and it's beautiful.

    It really resonates too because a few years ago I realized how crazy screwed up the dynamic was in my own marriage, was separated for nearly a year, dealt with the abuse I had lived with for so stinking long and fortunately my hubs allowed God, counselors and friends to break him and heal him. We survived but I'm a totally different, empowered, God Lovin' Feminist now who just doesn't take any crap anymore. So just know that what you're putting out there is really encouraging to this woman and I bet to a whole bunch of other people too.

  2. Glad you have a safe place to change!

  3. Hmm...let me dry off my face a little so I can see what I'm typing... There are people in our lives whose stories resonate with our own so loudly that it cannot be ignored. My own emotional tailspin has been so intense and swirly that I have frequently wondered about how anyone could love me through it. I'm so happy you have found your Sasquatch. And I thank you for writing from your heart and sharing with the rest of us. Hugs!


Awaiting your words......
♥ Juls ♥