30 March 2009

Wake up to the Reality

Things are difficult. I cry at times when I don't expect tears to come. Making potato soup yesterday, I was overwhelmed with worry about what Travis was eating, and in the next moment felt pathetic and small to care so much for someone who cared so little for me. He threatened divorce the other day with an ultimatum that I apologize for something that was irrational. He is free to make whatever choices he feels are necessary. But it hurts, and driving in the rain to get my kids from a birthday party I just let it all out. Between the tears and the rain, I am not sure how I made it to my destination.
It is a lonely road that I am on. People encourage you and love you and tell you you're brave, and what a great job that you're doing, but in the end you are the one that must wake up every morning to the reality of your situation. In general, the kids and I are very happy. There is a peace that has settled - this feeling that we're going to be alright and I am so thankful for that. But in the meantime there is still a lot of hurt, a lot of unresolved issues, and memories of terrible things that happened that I had long since buried deep inside myself that keep coming up like vomit. I have to deal with them, but to tell you the truth I really don't know how. These are ugly, awful things - and even though I was the victim and not the perpetrator, I feel hideous inside for the remembering. I can't really explain this fully - but yesterday morning when Porky (the pastor of our old church The Chapel) said "The One who knows you best, loves you the most" just overwhelmed me with emotion.
I am still trying to reconcile all of it. Abuse makes you feel filthy, dirty, worthless, small, powerless.... The touching - all the touching, and the anger, the things flying around in your head, and the names you're dodging, trying to hold your breath until you're allowed up for air, and hope it isn't too late. You try to rationalize that you aren't the things you are called but you were taught so long ago not to trust yourself because you are nothing. You become convinced that even God regrets having created you.
I am having a particularly hard day. There seems to be nobody in particular to share it with. For the most part, though I have some amazing friends, I feel like I have to keep a lid on all this intensity for their sake. I need them, and I don't want to scare them away. If I start to really allow myself to cry this out, I fear I may never stop. This song that I heard the other day keeps running through my brain...

....please don't fight these hands that are holding you.....
What isn't making things any easier right now is that I injured my back. I am hoping it is muscular strain from all the moving and unpacking, but I am literally waking up every couple of hours and finding that it hurts so badly I can barely roll over. Once I do get rolled over, I can't get comfortable, and then I'm awake very early. Just what I needed.


  1. Julie,
    If you don't have to "keep a lid on" with Him, then nor do you with any who would claim to be a true friend. You are FREE, Julie. No more need to hide/disguise!

    A good brother once told me, "Friends" who make their love conditional, have lost the right to care for you."

    I'm glad that song is ministering to you. That group is one of the few who really "get" it, about Papa's grace.

    Love you dear friend.

    Let us care, Julie. You don't have to BE any certain way for anybody else.

  2. The one time when I had a repeating tape in my head of abusive and hurtful things that were said to and about me, it made me crazy! Really knock me down crazy. I had to decide that if I wasn't going to try to reason with those people (or retaliate) then I had to stop "hearing" them. I REFUSED to rehearse their words and hurts. Everytime the tape started I yelled NO and kept doing that for like a year until I don't even remember what they said or did. Okay, I remember, but it doesn't put me on the ground anymore. (Forgivness is coming along too maybe...some day)


Awaiting your words......
♥ Juls ♥