26 March 2009

I'm Not Brave

In the past few weeks so many people have told me how proud they are of me and how brave I am. I feel so the opposite. Last night was the first night the kids were downstairs watching a movie and I heard the floor upstairs creak and stood completely still for just a minute, terrified. My mom was single for a while, and even when she was married my step-dad worked a lot of nights so she would go out and leave me alone. I have done this a million times. But now it seems so real, so permanent, so much up to me.
The crazy part is that the biggest threat to me and my family has lived inside the four walls with us for the last 20 years. I have protected and defended myself and my children, but in a far different fashion that anyone might have imagined. I know I can do this, but sometimes I feel tremendous fear. There is nothing to do but what is before me. So I went to bed afraid last night, and today I make it through another day.

If you were interested in seeing pictures inside they house they are available here. You can click on them and make them larger if you look.


  1. You are braver than you think!
    Love you lots!
    One day at a time, one minute at a time, one step at a time.
    You can do it!

  2. Julie,
    You are brave because you had the guts to walk away from a hurtful environment, for both you and your children.

    You had the guts to say "NO MORE!!"

    You had the guts to do the hard (and seemingly impossible) thing, to better your family environment, and personal, spiritual, and emotional health.

    You have the guts to believe that you are worth more, as a human than the way you were allowing yourself to be treated.

    You have the guts to admit that you are needy, and to allow others to help you in your time of need.

    You had the guts to pack up your life, and that of your children, and to drive across country in the hope of a better future, and the pursuit of a dream.

    You have the guts to dare to believe that freedom IS WORTH IT!

    You had the guts to leave behind those chains of slavery, so that you could begin to see yourself as Papa sees you... pure... innocent... beautiful... as the baby that He brought into this world 38 years ago, and that He still smiles upon, with the SAME affection, and completely disregarding a lifetime of choices that make you think otherwise.

    And, don't worry, Julie, you only have to be strong enough to lean... on HIS capable shoulders. He is holding you affectionately close to His bosom, and is THE Protector you always dreamed of.

    Julie, He longs for YOU, and I just keep hearing the word "affectionately" in my mind, like I just want to keep saying, over and over again, how His affections are set on you. That's hard for us to grasp. I'll not forget how, when reading 1 Peter 5:7, sometime last year, (in the Amplified) the word "affectionately" jumped off the page at me, and He spoke into my heart at that moment.

    I hope it speaks to you today: I'll include some of v.6 with it, to make a point that He made to me that day:

    "Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God... v.7- casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, FOR HE CARES FOR YOU AFFECTIONATELY and CARES ABOUT YOU WATCHFULLY."

    He showed me that to humble myself before Him, simply meant to cast my every care upon Him - THAT is humility.

    I encourage you, dear sister and friend in the Lord, to dare to receive and believe His AFFECTION for, and WATCHFUL CARE over you.

    You ARE brave, dear one. And, I have a feeling that your kids will someday look back on this as THE bravest thing you have ever done!

    Love you.

  3. Bravery is not the absence of fear it is pushing through the fear and living life anyway. It is recognizing the need for change and seeking it. It is choosing better for yourself and for your children despite the challenges and despite the fear. Yes Juls, you are brave and one of these days you'll feel that way too. ((((Juls))))


Awaiting your words......
♥ Juls ♥