A Rant About the Church on Marriage and Divorce, Etc.

Maybe I'm bitter - but I can't stop thinking about this, the bill of goods we've been sold as women. I just finished reading Vinegar Hill and the priest describes to the young woman about to be married her role as the "hearth" and the "home". What if the hearth has no one to stoke the fires? What if the home is more of a house, empty and fractured? What then?
I have been told throughout the years by well-meaning (and much loved) Christian friends that they couldn't condone divorce. They would support me through a separation - hold my hand, help me financially, even give the kids and I a place to live - but that divorce was never going to be an option. I have been in circles before where women who were divorced were whispered about when they left the room, tongue in cheek as one person would lean over and say, "this is her second marriage". Like I needed to know, be warned.
I am in a crisis so perhaps I will look back on this years later and come down on a completely different side of the issue - but for right now I am really struggling. Please filter whatever you read here through that fact. Right now I am angry. The "church" as an institution that would hold to this belief that I am less of a woman if I divorce my husband, that even through all of the hell I've lived and how I've tried to love in spite of it, I have failed. That I am a failure.
God hates divorce. It is true - but I know He sees what my kids and I have endured, and hates it as well.

Bible Study with a Friend

My friend Lizbeth is coming to stay for close to a month – she’ll be here Saturday.
She said to me yesterday, “Why don’t we do a Bible study together while I’m there? I haven’t been in a women’s Bible study in a while.”
So this took me off guard.
I immediately tried to assess her motives. She’s worried about me being out of church. She thinks I’m a heathen backslider who needs her to help me.
Then I took a breath and realized – hey she loves the Lord and maybe just wants to do a Bible study.
(I immediately go to the dark side. It is one of my horrible flaws.)
If you have any suggestions of a Bible study that we could do together, throw it my way, quickly before I hyperventilate on the edge of the dark side.

Lost in the Thicket

Yesterday evening the girls and I took a walk on one of the local trails and took in a little nature and some deep conversation. It was some of the inspiration for the new header on this blog. It was nice, just the three of us in the woods without any interruption.
East Texas is quite beautiful in the spring, with areas that literally look carpeted with ferns, pitcher plants, and flowers. In a few months the heat will make the outdoors less than enjoyable so spring here is when nature really shines. We walked quietly for a while, noticing animal tracks and the carnivorous plants that are indigenous to the area. But what could be more natural than our conversation turning to God.
The girls were both telling me how they feel far away from God. It hurt to realize that I was part of indoctrinating my children into a system of religion and obligation. It is hard to undo. It is difficult to articulate things to them in a way that doesn't cause them to think as I once would have that I have completely abandoned my faith. It scares me a little bit to see them free to love and worship God outside the confines of what the religious world tells us it should look like, and encourage them to step out for what will be certain scrutiny by the "church". I was fumbling with the words, and at the same time so excited that we were touching on something that is so life changing that they were spilling out in rapid succession. The church would tell us if we don't feel close to God to "dig deeper", chase harder, press in, pray more, read the Bible more, sweat, toil and strive towards Him. Although some of these things may have value, they also seem much more like vain human effort. Might I even be so bold as to suggest without offending my readers, that the attempt to conjure up this feeling of "being close to God" closely resembles witchcraft. The truth is that we are never far from Father. He was there with us in the woods, and when we sat eating dinner, and when we were laughing until we cried last night teasing each other. He is there. Our lives are to be a celebration of Him in all we do.
One of the girls attended church with a friend this past week, and was telling me it is where she feels the most uncomfortable anymore is in church. The music is repetitive, and the teachings are hollow especially where the youth are concerned, and no matter where you go, it is all predictable, even across denominational lines. We talked about every conversation with anyone who finds out that you don't attend church coming to this awkward place where you know they have an agenda to fix you, get you "in church", etc. Much of this is done in misguided love, and I hold no resentment, but it is a clear indicator that so many have traded relationship for formula, and intimacy for corporate worship.
We talked about how the Bible wasn't originally split into chapters and verses, and how what was often meant as a living narrative saying "see how this person walked" is often taken and broken into itty bitty pieces and given to us as a "do A, B, C and reap D" plan. It can be used in such a way as to almost omit God altogether.
I was sharing with my girls, my testimony of how this is all deconstructing for me. I feel a lot like a butterfly just out of the cocoon, too aware of the shortness of my life to let fear keep me from flying. Even in my worst moments now, I know that I have not changed in His sight. I am not on the treadmill of guilt and obligation anymore. It set me up to feel deep down inside that I could never measure up. Even while I have come to these conclusions for my own life, I have still wanted my kids to remain where it seemed safe, just in case I was wrong. I am sorry that I haven't shared with them more through this journey that I have been internalizing so much. I know that it was Father who got us alone in the woods together yesterday, and I am so thankful He did. I can trust Him completely with their hearts as well as my own.

The Youth Have Left the Building

I was a youth leader for a number of years in WV before we changed churches and then moved. I had participated in many different ministries, helping here and there wherever the Lord moved my heart, but I never found my niche until I worked with youth. It was like my heartstrings started to make music. In the past two years, we have encountered some pretty big life shifts, having moved and being not only in a new state but a different culture. One thing I always come back to is that I enjoy being a part of the lives of teenagers. My daughters and I have talked about this before, but in light of some recent happenings, we are praying about starting a youth group outside any church at our homes a couple of times a month. We were talking about all kinds of "themes" and we came up with The Youth Have Left the Building - it's part of the whole "God Journey" theme of being outside the walls. We don't want to go TO the church anymore, we want to BE the church. Could y'all pray for us on this adventure? I am ready to take the leap.

Fake and Phony

The girls went to youth group with Michael tonight. Every time they go they come home with the same complaints, that certain people are phony. People don't talk to them, or they act differently. Michael said the same. He has friends he has known for a long time there that in the last year or two have just started to act so differently toward him. I am crazy about Michael - almost like I am about my own kids. All the kids who have known me over the years know that when I love somebody - I don't do it with half a heart - I do it hook, line and sinker. The fact that people have misconceptions about him makes me want to poke them in the eye. (I know, very Christlike of me.) Has he made some mistakes, heck yeah - haven't we all? The thing that really bugs me is that in Christian community there is no room for anything short of perfection, or at least the appearance of perfection. What the kids are finding that makes me so sad, is that there is no room for mistakes. Once you screw up or do something others find unbecoming, you will never be given a chance to redeem yourself. I have news for them - Christ redeemed us all and they don't get to say whether you, or me, or Michael, or Kendra, or anyone else is in right standing. It is not their assessment of your heart that counts. I am glad that Michael doesn't allow "them" to change who he is because they don't approve of him. The rest - the icky stuff, the growing up, the sin to be overcome - all of that is the Lord's territory. The problem is that all too often God can't clean up the mess, cause other people are trying to do His job for Him. God loves you, Christ died for you, and in the end, what they think doesn't really matter. Find a way to love Christ in spite of what some would-be Christians try to say He is. They have Him all wrong.

My Jesus Would Never be Accepted in my Church

There is this song by Todd Agnew called My Jesus. In fact I posted the video here not long ago. (If you click on it, you'll have to scroll down.) It is one of those songs that just sticks with you. I can hear this song as if it were streaming through my head, day and night. Lately it has gotten stronger, louder, clearer - compelling me to think about what it means to live like Jesus. There is just one place where I get stuck - two little lines that irk me -

Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on His feet might stain the carpet

The question rings in my thoughts - why - why would you go to a church where Jesus, if he walked in the back door, would not be welcome? What is a church that values the carpet or the environment or programs or cleanliness or policies more than Christ? It is nothing but a country club with a religious focus. I don't need a "club" to belong to, I'd rather belong to the body of Christ. I don't need a denomination, I'd rather be a lover and follower of Jesus. My Jesus.

Undone - Conversations

I talked to my friend Carol today - and it was so awesome. She is absolutely the most awesome person to talk to when you are sorting things out - especially spiritual truth. We have been friends for 10 years now - and even though we can't get together for lunch or coffee or to take the kids ice skating anymore or go on vacation to the beach or have a Fourth of July cookout - the telephone is our greatest "friendship resource" - and believe me we've done a lot of sorting out on that phone through the years.
Let me preface by saying that Carol has been sick for the past week - and while all of this is going on in our lives, I haven't been able to talk to her! But we both decided that God had a purpose in that for both of us.
One thing she brought up to me was that in my excitement about what God has shown our family, I need to be careful not to sound condemning of others who have not come to the same conclusion. I believe wholeheartedly that our relationship with God is personal - and not corporate. It would then be a total contradiction for me to tell you that your relationship with God had to look like mine - or that your family needs to do what my family is doing. We are content with following where God is leading - and want to encourage others to follow Him - not us - and nothing less.
There was something else that came up in our conversation that I will write about later - that moved me to the point of choking back tears. I am broken, and undone, and it is here that Jesus is remaking me.
I also wanted to respond to another comment from that Canadian cutie Jane. She pointed out that some may think we are using hypocrisy in the church as an excuse not to attend. Believe me - I have always loved church. I have loved being with the body of Christ. I was not looking for an excuse to leave the church. For a couple of years now I have been making every excuse to stay in it has been apparent that God wanted us to do something different.
I am so excited right now about the Lord that it is like electricity in my heart and brain. I want to break every ritual and routine, and be left with Jesus. I want to live in and for His love alone.
I want that for YOU too.
I wish you for you the indescribable joy of His love!

Undone for the Sake of Christ

I am certain that this post will be a shock to some that know me. I hope that I am able to articulate what has transpired in my life over the last year, and even going back before that, and how it has affected me, and the shift our family is experiencing as we come undone, and untangled from organized religion. God has been trying to show me for years now that what I thought was spiritual life, was little more than smoke and mirrors. What I though was worship was a façade, an item crossed off a check-list of things to do in order to feel good about myself, and my standing with Him. Quiet time was a ritual, and little more than that. Even on the days that I tried hard to keep with me what I had digested that morning, more often than not, I was looking for a feeling of approval – like my mentally retarded brother –in-law says when he cleans his plate, or writes his name, “I did good”, and wearing it as a banner over my life as I interacted with others, a sense of superiority, I had my quiet time today. My Christian walk has been little more than a crawl – against the wind, in the desert sands, chasing mirages.

Since we moved, and I have been visiting churches full of unfamiliar faces, my eyes have been opened to the hypocrisy in my own heart, and what we call the “church” in modern day America. Face forward. Every head bowed, every eye closed. Sit. Stand. Sing 5 verses 3 times. Sit. Pray. Raise your hand. Don’t deviate from the program. How can God’s spirit move in the confines of our itinerary?

I began noticing that so much of what passes for a “sermon” has very little to do with the word of God, and much more to do with a social agenda. The church is anti-alcohol, anti-smoking, anti-gay, anti-pornography, anti-Harry Potter, anti-anti-anti, etc. and for years while we have had this growing laundry list of things we don’t “do” or “support”, we have done little to effect a real change. Jesus hung out with the whores, and thieves, and liars. He drew them into relationship with Him. He knew that no change could be affected without that connection, but we’ve pushed them out of the modern day church, in intolerant self-righteousness.

Recently, I heard someone say that we were moving out of the “church-age” and into the “relational-age”. I wasn’t sure at first exactly what that meant, but it resonated with me. I found myself saying to a friend not long ago, that I hated going to church. It scared me. What I want is not more “church-ianity” but a deeper relationship with Jesus. I am ready to shed the guilt of not doing enough, and walk one day at a time in His leading.

I found a website recently that is busy documenting the sweeping movement of committed Christians who are dropping out of formalized religion – and have decided to stop “going to” church and start “being” the church. It is called The God Journey. Finally someone was putting into words what I had been thinking and feeling. Intelligent, articulate people who were passionately in love with Jesus Christ but tired of church as we know it. Do we have it all figured out? Nope. That’s the beauty part, we get to get closer to Jesus and follow His leading. If you are feeling much the same way – I would highly recommend watching the videos found at Family Room Media about “Church Dropouts” and their series on “Church Outside the Walls”. There is also a vast resource of podcast archives, with a lot of nitty-gritty stuff to chew on.

Here was an amazing article, Is Jesus Enough. I say YES. He is enough. Peel back the layers Lord and let me be left with YOU! God is in control. All our trust is in Him. Our home is open. Our hearts are open. All our resources are in His hands. We wait with great anticipation to see what He is doing in us. This may not make me popular. In fact there was a time that I would have been furious with someone saying such things. But we know the road He is leading us down, and what else is there to do but follow.

I found this video that someone put together using clips from The Passion of the Christ to a Todd Agnew song, Which Jesus Do You Follow. It is my heartsong right now.

My Jesus

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Which Jesus do you follow?

Which Jesus do you serve?

If Ephesians says to imitate Christ

Then why do you look so much like the world?

Cause my Jesus bled and died

He spent His time with thieves and liars

He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant

So which one do you want to be?

Blessed are the poor in spirit

Or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land

Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness

Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand

Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins

He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars

He loved the poor and accosted the rich

So which one do you want to be?

Who is this that you follow

This picture of the American dream

If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side or fall down and worship at His holy feet

Pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion

Is how you see Him as He dies for Your sins

But the Word says He was battered and scarred

Or did you miss that part

Sometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him

Cause my Jesus bled and died

He spent His time with thieves and the least of these

He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable

So which one do you want to be?

Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church

The blood and dirt on His feet would stain the carpet

But He reaches for the hurting and despised the proud

I think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd

And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud

I want to be like my Jesus!

I want to be like my Jesus!

Not a poster child for American prosperity, but like my Jesus

You see I'm tired of living for success and popularity

I want to be like my Jesus but I'm not sure what that means to be like You Jesus

Cause You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for me

Can I be like You Jesus?

I want to be like my Jesus

No more smoke and mirrors - I want Jesus and nothing less!

No Day of Rest

It is after midnight and I am still up and going strong. I have been trying to get a PDF file made of the More of Him, Less of Me Bible Study that is starting up this week. I was happy to do it, but it seems that whenever I attempt this kind of project, everything possible fights me! Word was giving me a fit, spitting out formatting symbols, etc.
That is really the least of our problems, however. Yesterday afternoon, I got my husband into our bathroom to show him a spot on the wall in the closet that backs up to the bathtub that seemed to be continually wet. It was also right next to the towel hamper, so I wasn't sure if the kids were maybe putting really wet towels against it, and it just wasn't getting a chance to dry out. Well, he pulled the wallboard off and saw it drip, drip, dripping from the last shower. Ugh. We had to turn the water off immediately. I washed my hair in the kitchen sink this morning before church (which is another post altogether), the dishwasher is full, there is a pile of laundry in every hamper, and the kitchen sink is piled high with dishes. Thankfully the neighbors have been letting us fill up buckets with water so we can flush the toilets. Travis did some repairs, but as soon as he turned the water back on, it shot out everywhere! He is going to have to stay home tomorrow to work on it some more. You don't realize how much you take running water for granted until you don't have it.

Alcohol Debate Revisited

We visited a new church yesterday. It was pretty interesting - we weren't there for 30 seconds in our seats when announcements were made - the first of which being that there was a petition in the back of the church for anyone interested to sign to support prohibiting the sale of alcohol in that town, about 30 minutes south of us. Kendra and Allan just started to laugh. Let me just say - I believe that the church, seeing the adverse affect that alcoholism has on the family, the community, etc. has every right to take a stand against the sale of alcohol in their county - the same way I would take a stand if they opened an adult book store in my neighborhood.
I didn't see anything wrong with this church encouraging members to sign this petition as their consciences lead them. I just don't think the church (in general) needs to behave as if alcohol is the primary culprit - when the primary culprit is the sin nature. Take a walk down the hall of any hospital and tell me that chocolate cake and tobacco use is not doing any damage. But instead of doing spiritual warfare against the enemy and the nature of sin that dwells in the heart of each individual - we attack a behavior. I know the battle will never be won this way. Think of how Nathan approached King David about his transgression with Bathsheba. He did not shake a finger at his nose and preach on adultery. He did not post an announcement in the local newspaper to shame David. Nathan told a story that pierced the king's heart. That heart-changing moment took David from a place of unrepentant sin back to being the man after God's own heart. Can we get a witness church? Can we learn?
What I also don't like is for those people who see the cultural pitfall of alcoholism - and the effect it has had and then use scripture in a way that supports their righteous cause. I don't believe for one cotton pickin' minute that Jesus drank unfermented grape juice only. Perhaps he did right after the harvest when the first grapes were crushed - but just based on common sense, and mathematical equations - the Last Supper took place many months after the grape harvest. Without refrigeration, it is impossible to think that juice was un-fermented.
A word study on the word wine in the New Testament translates to the Greek word - oinos. It literally means wine. It is the word used for the wine at the wedding in Cana where Jesus turned water into wine. It is also the word used in all the gospel's analogies of putting wine into new wineskins - as the fermentation process occurs the skins must be stretched, which is why you do not put new wine into old wineskins. It is also the word used in Luke 10:34 where the "Good Samaritan" found the man beaten and left for dead - and poured oil and wine on his wounds. If the wine was used for antiseptic properties, doesn't it stand to reason that it would have been necessary for it to be fermented?
This is what bothers me the most - that no matter how good our intentions, the word of God cannot be twisted to suit our cultural agendas. Every study I have ever attempted on the subject leads me to the same conclusion. I have heard it said more than once that people want to get as far away as they can from God and still be able to be right with him. I would say that the rules are what put us in that shape. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. These are the words of Jesus. (Matthew 22:37) Anything outside of that is man's attempt at cleaning up something only God can clean, and it is the way of the Pharisees.

Unpopular Opinions About VBS

Let me start this post that is going to contain some likely not very common thoughts on VBS by saying that many, many years I have poured my heart and soul into Vacation Bible School at the church where we were longtime members. I loved the kids, and gave everything I had to the point of exhaustion every year, and I know that there was benefit in what we did to glorify the Lord. However, I think there is an ugly side to VBS that is seldom mentioned. One thing that was extremely distressing was when our VBS had to be closed to children outside of our church. Vacation Bible School is supposed to be an outreach to the community, a place for churches to reach out to the community and give the schoolchildren a place to spend their time during the long, hot summer months - that had a two fold purpose - the children are off the streets and we have an opportunity to share Jesus.
Now, that being said, another thing that has started to bother me in more recent years is the cheesy, canned curriculum that passes itself off as "educational material" for the local church. I am not saying that some of it isn't fun, and that the kids don't like it. They do - kids love cheesy - for the same reason they love SpongeBob. The stuff is just downright goofy sometimes. I think that sometimes we sell kids short and make the things of Christ come off like a Garfield comic instead of what it truly is, the Greatest Story Ever Told.
That said, I love Veggie Tales, although I hate that the kids who watch them who have never been in church and hear the real story of, oh let's say Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego will spend the next 20 years of their lives thinking they were thrown into the furnace for not bowing to a chocolate bunny. Yep, Christian kids get that it is allegorical humor - but what about the rest of the world.
I do not mean to sound critical - I know how much blood, sweat and tears go into those programs - but wonder like much of what is done in the church if we've lost the true intent of what VBS is all about. In spite of these thoughts, Kullen will likely attend one or two of the local VBSs in our area, and if we were really plugged in to a church, I would likely be helping out. But that is not the sum total of his spiritual training. He's mainly going for the friends and the cookies!

The Lord's Day - a Busy One

Well, we are home today. It seems that we are back at square one with finding a church. We have been attending a local church since New Years and while we have been blessed by being there for the most part - we seem to have come to an impasse. The pastor said last week that you could not teach in that church unless you had a 100% abstinence stand in regards to alcohol. I know it may sound like a silly reason to decide you can no longer attend the church - and if it was just that we disagreed with the pastor on this issue, it would be no big deal. But I won't be false, and I don't intend to attend a church where I cannot be an active participant in ministering to the body. I would certainly not teach the youth that they should drink (I do believe that there are benefits to abstinence - although not Biblically mandated - with all things being permissible in moderation), and I would never contradict the beliefs or the teachings of the church in regards to my differing beliefs. What was most unsettling is that I know the information about my thinking on the issue was obtained voyeuristically by reading my blog - and then the current sermon series was interrupted - while we were held captive audience while point for point the entire content of what I posted on my blog was addressed. (Including comments about "never knowing someone to eat chocolate cake and kill someone" and "be careful what you post on your blog and your myspace".)
The pastor erred in not discussing the issue with me personally - not so that we could debate but in order to let me know where he was coming from. This is one place where putting yourself and your thoughts and your feelings out there on your blog can become a sticky situation. But this is my blog - a place for me to write what I am thinking and feeling. I am trying to understand why this is such a big issue for the community here. A discussion with someone who has lived here a while may have been helpful in achieving this understanding. But I had another huge alarm bell go off when the sermon last week concluded with the statement that the issue wasn't "debatable" or "up for discussion". I certainly would not disrespect a pastor by debating an issue with him, however, anytime someone in authority in a church will not discuss an issue, and stand as the be-all, end-all, final authority on God's word, it should alarm you. The pastors I have most respected are the ones that allowed you to talk to them, encouraged you to saturate yourself in God's word, and know what you believe because His word tells you, and not because someone tells you that this is what they've decided God's word says, the end.
I hate the idea of visiting churches again, however, we will be traveling for a couple of weeks, and I pray that God will use this time to refresh us while we visit a church I know I could fully belong to while we are away. We are also going to get to visit our friends who are back in the states from Romania, Karen and her family on our way through their state! It will be such a treat to get to see them again - even if it will be just for dinner and an overnighter. Can you believe that her parents are gracious enough to have me and five kids stay overnight at their home? They have already blessed me!
Um, yeah, I had better get off the internet and get packing! Yikes!

Sermon Ponderings - The Resurrected Christ

Our pastor, "Brother Randal" as those who are comfortable with southern etiquette call him, was really fired up today. I know it is pathetic, but I was feeling a bit blah this morning. After that fresh revelation from the Lord yesterday about The Day In Between, I was needing yet another. Why my fickle soul is like that I don't know. It seems that it can all fade to gray and I forget the joy of the Easter lilies, and the new life of spring, and the power of the resurrected Christ. I am thankful to go to a Bible believing church, and to have a man of God that preaches from the Word, and for the mercies every morning to experience the Lord anew.
The thing that stood out to me most from the sermon this morning is how Jesus not only has Creator-rights, but He has Redeemer-rights. I heard a story a long time ago of a little boy who built a boat and put it in the water only to have it carried away by the current. Later he was walking past a toy shop window and saw HIS boat! The shop owner told him that he would have to buy it, so the little boy worked diligently to save enough money to get the boat back. The day he was able to buy back his boat, he walked out of the store clutching his treasure in his hands. He said, "Now you're twice mine! I made you, and I bought you!" What a precious picture of the Creator/Redeemer Christ.
I'm so glad He's risen, that my name may be written in Heaven. I have experienced the joy of a redeemed life. I pray that YOU know Him too!

Chew on This

I saw this on a church billboard today -

The church is a rescue mission for sinners, NOT a rest home for saints.

There But for the Grace of God Go I

The newest issue of The Old Schoolhouse Magazine arrived last week. As usual, it is a blessing to me - a source of encouragement, and a vast array of some serious resources for any style of homeschooler. But there was one article by Jenefer Igarashi that was so real, I just had to blog about it. I am not going to quote her article, entitled The Unlovables: My Reluctant Testimony, so be sure to grab the winter issue and read it for yourself. But her article provoked my thoughts - which I will share here:

I found myself in a similar situation - pregnant and unmarried. My husband and I had been living together for 3 years, but had never taken a commitment very seriously. I was not a Christian, and although I knew who God was, I lived my life separated from Him. During my pregnancy, I started to feel that something was missing - that something being God - and I turned to the only place I knew at the time I might find Him - the church. My experience was not what Jen described - the loving support from believers - but more a judgmental glance, an indignant comment, and a circle being drawn leaving me on the outside. Baby showers were hosted for the "married" pregnant women in the church - and I remained invisible. I know that some of my experience was due in large part to my overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame, and even so, there were specific things said and done that made me feel that not only could the church not love me, but God could not possibly love me.
It took a long time before I was able to see past "the church" and allow God to speak to my heart about what He has to say about my sin. When I gave my life to Him, there was no more condemnation. And yet a few years ago in Sunday school, somebody inadvertently put the shame right back in my lap. This particular couple would come to our church with their "anti-abortion" stickers blazing on the rear bumper of their car, and their legalistic judgmental condemnation (the very thing that drives young women into the back alley entrances of abortion clinics) on their faces. During prayer request time, this man was asking for prayer for his niece who had recently given birth "out of wedlock", and blah blah blah, but they didn't want her to think that they condoned what she had done, yadda yadda yadda. I sat for a while as he rambled on feeling the shrinking, diminishing feeling of shame. When I finally found my voice, I was able to share that I too had a child "out of wedlock". I also was able to encourage that man to live out his convictions, and support his niece as she attempted to raise this child on her own - buying diapers, and baby food, and whatever else she may need. (The less Christlike sentiment in my head at the time was "Quit buying bumper stickers and put your money here your mouth is!" I might have also thought "freak" and then sure and sudden conviction and repentance!)
Sin is sin - and as believers we have to call it what God calls it. There is no doubt that sex outside of marriage is sin. Aren't we to help those up who stumble? Why do we look at that particular sin as if it is so heinous - and yet gloss over our own materialism, gluttony, gossip, etc. as if they are nothing. In God's sight all sin is equal.
I think that in the Christian community we need a constant reminder - there but for the grace of God go I! I've been there - I've done that - I have the t-shirt - with a big scarlet letter branded that has since been washed white with the scarlet blood of Jesus!

Church - I Don't Wanna Go!

I have a dilemma that I haven't had since becoming a believer- I don't want to go to church. About a month ago, we visited one church for two weeks mainly because it felt like that's what we were to do - you know the whole "get back in the saddle" bit. However, for the last couple of weeks, I have been doing anything at all to keep from it. I can't really explain it - I just don't want to go. I feel burned out - and everything about being a part of an organized body right now really stresses me out. I want to be connected to other believers, but not in such an intense way. I am having great difficulty articulating what I am feeling - somewhat like JenIG's article in the summer issue of TOS - that feeling of not fitting in anywhere - intimidated by "super Christians" - and just not wanting to be part of the whole "CHURCHianity" scene. Now, this may sound pretty common to some of you - in fact I have friends who barely darken the door of a church, and others who have a much more casual attitude than I do about attending - but for me - I was at church everytime the doors opened - any event - I even occasionally felt the pull to the church on nights when nothing was going on but the "Promise Keepers" meeting - knowing full well I wouldn't belong there!! (not really but you get the picture right??) I have loved my church family fiercely - and still do, but I am not ready to commit again. My friend here on HSB, Kris has encouraged me to take it easy for a while, and we have as a spoof made up names for our family's home "church" times - such as (her creative input) First Church of Pajamas and Pancakes. A friend's husband suggested yesterday that we work on getting their garage together to serve as a meeting place, and have the husband's take turns leading a service as a house church. I think maybe I could handle that and I hope he's not kidding. I am hanging all my hopes on that for now.

To Blog or NOT to Blog

I have been struggling about whether to blog about this or not. So every day, I open an entry blank, and sit staring, hestiating to write. But the truth is, that I need to get this out, in writing and not hide it like it is some terrible secret. About three weeks ago, our family sent a letter to our pastor removing our membership from the church we have belonged to and been heavily involved in for the last ten years. It has been a very trying time for us as we have seen the Lord show us vividly the need to rely on Him - more than other people, more than our Pastor, and even more than the church. The Sunday after we sent this letter, and sat at home, unable to attend elsewhere because our hearts are still there - and after church commenced a church member and someone we had considered our friend, came to our front door, called me outside and proceeded to scream at me on my front stoop. Our family is the last in a string of families to leave the church in the last year, and evidently the Pastor has stepped down, causing people to place blame.

I have been snubbed in the grocery store, and generally ignored by people that were not only my friends but my "family" for many, many years. Some of these women and I have been long time friends - we have been together as we've had our babies, cleaned houses together when someone gets overwhelmed, carried meals to one another when we were sick, baked Christmas cookies, etc. - and suddenly they don't know me. My character, motives and integrity have been repeatedly questioned. We met with the elders the Monday after the Pastor resigned, and felt that we made it clear that our family was willing to return, not with an ultimatum but by rolling our sleeves up to help make the changes necessary to continue the work the Lord is doing in that little Chapel - alongside the Pastor as it was never our intention for him to quit. We've heard nothing in response to that meeting that I considered at the time very positive. I sent out an email to the body with a song about hurting and healing and my heartfelt concern for the hurting body - of which we are a part. Nothing we have extended has been received, and I know I must be at peace with that. But I have to admit I am struggling. Each day brings a new issue - the most recent is being told there was a "girls night out", but I was NOT invited because there was someone else coming -who never comes any other time- that might not be comfortable. I was invited to a baby shower - and I desperately want to attend, but wonder with others feeling like this if my presence may cause problems - and it all just makes me sick to my stomach. (Although let me just say that the extended invite means everything right now when so many others are pretending I am invisible or worse - never existed.)

The body of Christ is all who know Him. It reaches out beyond our church walls and encompasses every denomination, creed and color in the entire world. Those who should be setting the example of unity, sit inside church walls with those who they are in complete and perfect agreement, singing happy little songs and saying, "we have unity" but the truth is that they have built walls, within which there is no love for those outside.

A good and trusted friend said keep your focus on your ministry - and off of the conflict - and while I know what he said is true, it seems impossible that I will ever make it there. Our family could use your prayers right now as we travel this hard road - on our own. I only see one set of footprints in the sand, and I am struggling with this "Lord are you carrying me cause it sure feels like I am walking alone."

Precious Prayer

Last night the youth leaders and parents of youth at our church had a meeting to discuss what we're doing, where we're headed, any issues or concerns, etc. Being someone who was called to minister to the teenagers at our church years ago, this ministry is so close to my heart. I care so much about what happens here even once our family has moved on.

Porky had all the youth leaders stand up in the middle of the room, and had all the parents gather around us, lay hands on us and pray for us. It was such a very precious time. To hear the parents thank the Lord for the things He has used each of us to do in the lives of their children was such a tremendous blessing. Sometimes in youth ministry you wonder if you are having any effect at all. Some of the blessings included simple things like creating an environment where their teens like to come to church.

I was second in line for prayer. The prayers of praise to the Lord for how He has used me were so precious and sweet. When Pam, my friend and pastor's wife, prayed for our family and the hole that would be at the Chapel once we've gone, I couldn't hold back the tears, and they lingered throughout the rest of the prayer time. They brought our family and our move before the Lord, someone asked that our marriage would be strengthened through such a strenuous time, and almost prophetically Porky (my pastor) asked that the Lord would be with me when times of discouragement and doubt come, when I am away from my friends and everything familiar, and that I would remember the things He has been showing me.

Ten years ago when I walked into the doors of that little Chapel in the Blue Ridge Mountains, I had no idea what a work the Lord would do in my life. My life was a train wreck. I was 25 years old, with two small children and separated from my husband. What I experienced there was genuine worship. I saw in others something I wanted - which was a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He planted me in fertile soil, and now He is uprooting me. I pray I will be able to continue to grow elsewhere!

Last night when Porky prayed over me and thanked the Lord for my "faithfulness" it was almost too much to bear. I am only able to be minimally faithful because of His extraordinary faithfulness to me. Thank YOU Jesus!