Feeling Too Much

I don't know how you go from being numb to feeling so much you feel like the pain alone will kill you. I spent about half an hour in my bathroom crying until I was vomiting, with my children holding my head. I don't know how to conceal the hell I am going through from them. While every intimate detail is not laid bare in front of them, I think there is no way to shield them from this. It is our mutual nightmare to live through together.
I feel like I can't listen to the radio or watch TV. Everything stirs up feelings inside of me. I don't really know what to do but put one foot in front of another. I would love nothing more than to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head and pretend this all is not happening and is not necessary.
Please continue your prayers dear bloggers. I know there is something supernatural that keeps me moving forward when I want to stop and sit right here in this pain and die.

Thanks, But No Thanks

I have gotten a couple of emails, and comments that suggest that I consider medication for the depression, or that I talk to my doctor. I appreciate the value that this has had in the lives of others. I can imagine a scenario under which I would consider such prospects, such as when my mother was very ill, and I was packing my 3 kids back and forth each week to the hospital so I could be her weekday caretaker. I could hardly cope with things, and the doctor gave me some medication for anxiety / depression. I took it for a time. I also had a sedative to take "as needed".
My depression is situational. I have a very bad marriage. Things are not going to get better. I left a circle of friends who loved me, loved my kids and were there for us good or bad to try and give CPR to a relationship that has long since failed to have a heartbeat. I refuse to get to the point where I have to numb myself in order to live with him. The moment I have to consider such a thing, it is time for me to go. Believe me, it is way past time. I have no hope. I have no joy. I have no sense that repeating the cyclical history of 20 years gone by will bring a different result. Hey, I figured out that if I stop bashing my head against the wall, it stops hurting. My heart does ache, because deep inside of me is the girl who wanted so much to meet a boy who adored me, and made all the pieces of life finally fit together. I guess I had some expectations too. But slowly, one at a time I have had to let go of them all.
I have also had the suggestion to read this book, or pray this prayer, go to a counselor, etc. etc. etc. These are all phases we have been through. We have been down each and every road. I literally have nothing left to give. I don't even have any passion behind these words. I just want to be set free. I don't want another man. I just want me, and my kids, and quiet and calm. I want to get up every day and not have anybody else's chaos to manage, or anybody else's neglect to suffer through.
Thank you so much for all the heartfelt suggestions. I know you mean well - all of you. But I am not going to dull my senses so that things that are horrific in my opinion don't look so bad. I have to fight for something better.

Divorce: The Gift that Keeps on Giving

Having divorced parents stinks. I can feel like a completely healthy and whole adult and then WHAM - unexpectedly something happens that makes me feel like a piece of garbage that my whole family is trying to scrape off of their shoe. You are like an enemy who has infiltrated their ranks - and the worst part is that everyone thinks of you as the member of the other family - essentially leaving you without one at all. Some stinky moments:

• knowing your whole family was taking a cruise because one insensitive person decides to call and tell you they won't be home for a while just so you know - and hey all your siblings are coming, but you aren't invited - then being told you weren't invited because you have a baby and we knew you wouldn't come - would it KILL people to invite you anyway and let you turn the invitation down????
• whole extended family attends a cousin's wedding you aren't even invited to
  
• finding out months after the fact that my cousin and his wife had a baby
• finding out months after the fact that another cousin's wife is expecting
• seeing family pictures of events that you weren't even invited to - theme remains - invite somebody even if there is likely no chance they'll come so they at least feel like they are part of a family - but I'm not holding my breath - I was rarely invited when I lived right there
• calling people you haven't heard from in months and being told - "hey, I was thinking about calling you" - after 20 years of this you pretty much know they never had any intention of calling you or inviting you into their lives
• knowing that one of your parents travels all over the free world - but can't afford the gas when you ask them to come see you
• having your parent and step-parent rush hours away to see a sibling because they need them - when they have never spent more than 30 minutes at your house regardless of your need
  
• visiting the house of one of your parents - only to find that none of the pictures of your children have ever even made it into frames in favor of all the other grandchildren - and the one collage you made years ago that hung behind a door down a dark hallway isn't even there because they were painting and OOPS - it never got hung back up - and pretending to be so stupid that you didn't see the nail is no longer there and the hole is spackled

Oh - I could write a book - and the pages would be riveting. It must be nice to have a family is all I can say. I'll get over it - I always do - but today I am having a hard time with it. I am trying so hard to make the family I want with my kids - but ya know - sometimes I would just like to have a mom or dad of my own.

To Blog or NOT to Blog

I have been struggling about whether to blog about this or not. So every day, I open an entry blank, and sit staring, hestiating to write. But the truth is, that I need to get this out, in writing and not hide it like it is some terrible secret. About three weeks ago, our family sent a letter to our pastor removing our membership from the church we have belonged to and been heavily involved in for the last ten years. It has been a very trying time for us as we have seen the Lord show us vividly the need to rely on Him - more than other people, more than our Pastor, and even more than the church. The Sunday after we sent this letter, and sat at home, unable to attend elsewhere because our hearts are still there - and after church commenced a church member and someone we had considered our friend, came to our front door, called me outside and proceeded to scream at me on my front stoop. Our family is the last in a string of families to leave the church in the last year, and evidently the Pastor has stepped down, causing people to place blame.

I have been snubbed in the grocery store, and generally ignored by people that were not only my friends but my "family" for many, many years. Some of these women and I have been long time friends - we have been together as we've had our babies, cleaned houses together when someone gets overwhelmed, carried meals to one another when we were sick, baked Christmas cookies, etc. - and suddenly they don't know me. My character, motives and integrity have been repeatedly questioned. We met with the elders the Monday after the Pastor resigned, and felt that we made it clear that our family was willing to return, not with an ultimatum but by rolling our sleeves up to help make the changes necessary to continue the work the Lord is doing in that little Chapel - alongside the Pastor as it was never our intention for him to quit. We've heard nothing in response to that meeting that I considered at the time very positive. I sent out an email to the body with a song about hurting and healing and my heartfelt concern for the hurting body - of which we are a part. Nothing we have extended has been received, and I know I must be at peace with that. But I have to admit I am struggling. Each day brings a new issue - the most recent is being told there was a "girls night out", but I was NOT invited because there was someone else coming -who never comes any other time- that might not be comfortable. I was invited to a baby shower - and I desperately want to attend, but wonder with others feeling like this if my presence may cause problems - and it all just makes me sick to my stomach. (Although let me just say that the extended invite means everything right now when so many others are pretending I am invisible or worse - never existed.)

The body of Christ is all who know Him. It reaches out beyond our church walls and encompasses every denomination, creed and color in the entire world. Those who should be setting the example of unity, sit inside church walls with those who they are in complete and perfect agreement, singing happy little songs and saying, "we have unity" but the truth is that they have built walls, within which there is no love for those outside.

A good and trusted friend said keep your focus on your ministry - and off of the conflict - and while I know what he said is true, it seems impossible that I will ever make it there. Our family could use your prayers right now as we travel this hard road - on our own. I only see one set of footprints in the sand, and I am struggling with this "Lord are you carrying me cause it sure feels like I am walking alone."