Thanks, But No Thanks

I have gotten a couple of emails, and comments that suggest that I consider medication for the depression, or that I talk to my doctor. I appreciate the value that this has had in the lives of others. I can imagine a scenario under which I would consider such prospects, such as when my mother was very ill, and I was packing my 3 kids back and forth each week to the hospital so I could be her weekday caretaker. I could hardly cope with things, and the doctor gave me some medication for anxiety / depression. I took it for a time. I also had a sedative to take "as needed".
My depression is situational. I have a very bad marriage. Things are not going to get better. I left a circle of friends who loved me, loved my kids and were there for us good or bad to try and give CPR to a relationship that has long since failed to have a heartbeat. I refuse to get to the point where I have to numb myself in order to live with him. The moment I have to consider such a thing, it is time for me to go. Believe me, it is way past time. I have no hope. I have no joy. I have no sense that repeating the cyclical history of 20 years gone by will bring a different result. Hey, I figured out that if I stop bashing my head against the wall, it stops hurting. My heart does ache, because deep inside of me is the girl who wanted so much to meet a boy who adored me, and made all the pieces of life finally fit together. I guess I had some expectations too. But slowly, one at a time I have had to let go of them all.
I have also had the suggestion to read this book, or pray this prayer, go to a counselor, etc. etc. etc. These are all phases we have been through. We have been down each and every road. I literally have nothing left to give. I don't even have any passion behind these words. I just want to be set free. I don't want another man. I just want me, and my kids, and quiet and calm. I want to get up every day and not have anybody else's chaos to manage, or anybody else's neglect to suffer through.
Thank you so much for all the heartfelt suggestions. I know you mean well - all of you. But I am not going to dull my senses so that things that are horrific in my opinion don't look so bad. I have to fight for something better.

What's Up with Amazon?

Has anybody else noticed lately that Amazon.com does not have any pictures of their books? I haven't checked out other things - but sometimes I choose a book by the cover (shallow though that may be) and I am wondering where their graphics went! It is not just books either - it is everything! What's up with that? There are a few of the little "no image available" icons - but only a few - most listings are just blank. Any ideas?

*gasp* - Guess what? When I use IE I can see them fine but with Mozilla Firefox - blank. I notice their site looks different as well. Whatddya know - maybe it's no longer compatible with Mozilla.

I'm an American Girl

Yesterday after co-op the kids and I ran a few errands, one of which was hunting down a book we need to start reading. While at Books-a-Million, we passed a display for a new American Girl doll and books. I could tell from a mile away it was a 70s girl, and then one of my kids said, "Hey mom, her name is Julie!" Then Kendra entered a contest to win the doll for me! I just think it is so nifty. It is just a silly thing - but I'm a 70s girl and my name is Julie. Okay, likely slightly more cool to me than perhaps say all the millions of Kellys, Jennifers, Lisas, Angies and Kims. But what a bummer, me being without a daughter who wants me to read them all to her! I hope I win that doll! hee hee

What's Up With Spoiling?

My girls and I have gotten totally hooked on the Gilmore Girls. The thing is that it is in its seventh season - but we just finished season 1! The biggest issue is that whenever we tell people that we're watching it and that we love it, they start telling us things about it that we don't want to know yet. That is part of enjoying the show - the finding things out - as they happen. I don't get it. Why do people do this? I am always sure to tell them quickly before they can talk that we have just started the series. I want to scream - "HEY SPOILERS! Put a lid on it!" My girls have encountered an obnoxious friend who seems to enjoy that he upsets them by telling them random things about the show. It isn't funny.
And then the other day I am just reading a blog that I have on my Google Reader, and the author is writing about Harry Potter and why her family reads it when so many other Christians have chosen to abstain. It was very interesting up to the point where she discusses how her son who enjoys the movie first and then the book was upset that she revealed that a certain person had died in the book she was reading (before the movie was released so he didn't know yet) - and she just names the character! Evidently she learned nothing from the episode with her son.
When someone is watching a movie or reading a book - if you tell them what is going to happen - what's the use in reading or watching anymore! Ugh! It would be like telling someone what you got them for Christmas while it is still wrapped up in the paper under the tree. Don't do it! Spoilers cease and desist!

Book Heaven

There has never been a time in my life when I was in such heaven about the books that surrounded me and that I could currently put my hands on. I am reading the Donald Miller book - Searching for God Knows What. I know I keep mentioning it – but I just can’t help it! It’s so real and good. Lemme share a little piece of Donald with you:

The scary thing about religion to me, is that people actually believe God is who they think He is. By that I mean they have Him all figured out, mapped out, and as my pastor, Rick would say, “dissected and put into jars on a shelf.” You’ve got a bunch of Catholics in Rome who think one way about God, and a bunch of Baptists in Texas who think another, and that isn’t even the beginning. It goes on and on and on like this, and it makes me wonder if God created us in His image or if we created Him in ours.

This is amazing. When he starts talking about opinionated, hyper-conservatives who slap God’s name on whatever political agenda they happen to have at the moment he says, and I quote, “People like that should have an island.”

On top of the Donald Miller buzz I currently have going, (or could that be the Blackberry Merlot?) I am surrounded by other books that are feasts for my soul. Two Franky Schaeffer books came from Amazon today – Addicted to Mediocrity – which I used to borrow annually from my friend, Tina – but it is just such a long drive from TX to WV now – and Sham Pearls for Real Swine – a new book on a similar thread. Both of these books are about Christians in the arts. Here’s a little excerpt from the book jacket of Sham Pearls:

What other age beyond our own of anesthetized, plastic propriety could accommodate us? What past leaders would meet our standards of piety? Luther? We would find him vulgar. Shakespeare? Filthy. Bach? Secular. Verdi? Catholic. Joan of Arc? Insane. Winston Churchill? A drunken warmonger. George Washington? A reactionary chauvinist. Jesus of Nazareth? Rude, sexist, offensive, and inscrutable. All of these would be too complicated, too real, too human for the ‘nice’, the timid, the shallow, the ignorant – the church.

Yep – controversial. But real. I love it. I also ordered some Anne Lamott – who I discovered for the first time the other day during a major iced coffee high at Borders. I sat and just drank in her thoughts. I am not sure if I will end up loving her books – but I can be sure they will make me think outside the box.

So here it is – reading for research – to be inspired to write.

Oh – and I’m also reading Gossamer by Lois Lowry with my son – and that book is hard to put down!

I’m in book heaven…….

Writer's Blog

Lately, I have not been posting as much on my blog. It isn't because there isn't stuff going on, or that I am not thinking about blogging or writing. The thing is that what I really want to do, my heart's desire is to write a book. So I have a confession to make. Lately, I've been holding out on you. Instead of writing a couple paragraph blog entry, I've been jotting random thoughts into a writer's notebook. Believe me I have tons and tons of random thoughts and only seem to capture about one-third of them in my handy-dandy notebook. I have also been doing a lot more reading than usual. It seems that I have a propensity for neglecting that part - and yet, I've heard over and over that reading is a good way to spark your inner-writer. Yesterday, I was trapped (ah, much to my delight!) at a Borders for two hours while we waited for my friend who was taking a test in Houston and I discovered a book in the religion section by Anne Lamott! And the there was coffee - I was in heaven. (I think I have Stockholm Syndrome now and wish I could be held captive there again!)
I have always hesitated to call myself a "writer" because it sounds arrogant. If someone would ask what I've written, I would mainly only be able to point them to this blog - and it's crazy ramblings. Not much literary genius. Oh yeah, and then there is this - but that's not the kind of writing I really want to do. I think I've decided that consistently throughout my life, the one thing I have always loved to do is write. The first birthday present as a child I ever remember getting that I was thrilled about was a diary. In later years, after a messy divorce and custody battles, nobody encouraged much writing for fear I would write about them. But I am a writer. I love to write, and I will write. It seems delusional - and I fear rejection - which is why I haven't endeavored to do more than writing for myself. But enough of that. I throw caution to the wind.
So if I'm holding out on you on this blog - you'll know why. Don't think I won't be posting - I'm just saving some stuff for myself for right now!

Now I need some affirmation - do y'all think anybody would ever want to read what I write?

"Don's MY Man!"

Several years ago, I read a book that made me rethink everything I thought to be true about being a Christian. It was Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. It was one of those kind of books that makes you think, but it is written in such an easygoing style. You can imagine each chapter as a conversation over a cup of coffee in some trendy coffee shop, or walking near the river with the author, who by the end you have become as familiar with as a friend. My daughter Kendra has also read this book – and it had a major impact on her as well. Recently I decided I was going to read it again, but when I went to get it off the bookshelf I couldn’t find it. That night at bedtime, I walked past the room and saw it in.her.hands! What transpired was not pretty - and ended with me relenting since she had already started actually reading! For the past few weeks we have been fighting over it. I keep asking her, "Are you done yet?" She like her mother often has about half a dozen books going at once, as well as the Bible, magazines and all the other reading we like to do. Today I told her I was commandeering it to read while I sat for hours with her sister at the hospital. But when I got home, in the mailbox awaited Searching for God Knows What by the same author. I forgot I had ordered it a week or so ago on Amazon. Kendra was doing a happy dance and said, she knew that meant she could have Blue Like Jazz to herself. Ugh! I want to read them both, but I guess it’s only fair I let her have it!

Everywhere I turn, I'm having to fight for my Donald Miller fix! The other night, when I went with the kids to youth group, just to sit in a corner and check it out, the young lady that was leading the study quoted some excerpts from an author with a similar style, Rob Bell’s book Velvet Elvis, which I liked but not nearly as much as Blue Like Jazz. I was distracted wondering if she had read any Donald Miller. At the end of the night, I approached her and asked if she had read Blue Like Jazz. She said, and I quote, “Don’s my man!” Now I realize that this should have made me happy - to have others reading such a great, life changing book. But shallow as I am, it made me want to talk about how much better I know “Don” than she does! How silly we can be sometimes! Good for her! And if she reaches for Don again, she’ll pull back a bloody stump! No really – it’s alright.

Fun Stuff

I am not a prize winner of any sort. I am not very competitive when it comes to competing for prizes. In fact when the Ultimate Blog Party announced that they were having "door prizes" for party-goers, I paid little or no notice at all. I never perused the prize list or entered my "choice" for a prize, should my name be drawn. But Saturday morning in my junk email folder I found an email from one of the hard-workin' mamas at WorkingMomsAgainstGuilt, saying that I had won their prize of a $20 iTunes Gift Certificate! Isn't that just the coolest? Since I do not have an iPod - and being a mom find putting headphones (or a cell phone, or a phone of any kind) to my head is an invitation for someone in my house to try to speak to me - and therefore an exercise in frustration - I happily passed along the certificate to my resident iPod JUNKIE, Kaitlyn. The neat thing was that I have asked her to be patient and hold off on buying any new songs for a while - to which she gladly complied - and then is rewarded with this! YAY! I love when stuff like that happens. Thanks so much ladies!

Also, for my birthday, my non-blogger, ITF (in-the-flesh) friend, Carol, sent me an online gift certificate for my birthday from Gift Certificates.com that you could use in about a billion places to shop online. What a great way to give a gift across the miles! As a book junkie, I honed in on Barnes & Noble, and got myself a book that I had really, really, really been wanting! How cool is that? Thank you Carol. Even though you don't blog - you are still the online shopping and eBay queen!

Who said life online ain't fun??!?

Book or Movie - The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

There is much excitement building as the day approaches for the premiere of The Chronicles of Narnia presentation of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe and I can hardly wait! I was at my friend Kathie's house last night. Our conversation had been somewhat peaceful being that there were eight kids in the house, and without realizing it had built to a crescendo as the kids had entered the room and made more and more noise. Kathie mentioned that read-alouds were somewhat like that at her house - how she starts reading in a normal, relaxed voice, and then it builds. I got curious, and asked what she was currently reading aloud - and she said The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe! I was so excited because I am too. I don't like my children to see a movie typically unless we've read the book beforehand, especially if it is a classic book. This opens the door for much discussion about what was good, bad, different between the two. I think this is an opportunity for critical thinking together as a family. Sometimes, it makes us all sad that we went to see the movie - because it totally changes the pictures we had in our imagination of characters, etc. Sometimes producers leave things that we feel are very important COMPLETELY out of the movie version, and it is hard to reconcile why such choices are made. Often we feel as if the work that was done, was untrue to the book author's actual story. I will say that the trailer for this movie looked absolutely captivating, and because C.S. Lewis' stepson was involved in production, I am very hopeful that this will be a great movie. I am also excited about the potential for allegorically spreading the gospel!