I have gotten a couple of emails, and comments that suggest that I consider medication for the depression, or that I talk to my doctor. I appreciate the value that this has had in the lives of others. I can imagine a scenario under which I would consider such prospects, such as when my mother was very ill, and I was packing my 3 kids back and forth each week to the hospital so I could be her weekday caretaker. I could hardly cope with things, and the doctor gave me some medication for anxiety / depression. I took it for a time. I also had a sedative to take "as needed".
My depression is situational. I have a very bad marriage. Things are not going to get better. I left a circle of friends who loved me, loved my kids and were there for us good or bad to try and give CPR to a relationship that has long since failed to have a heartbeat. I refuse to get to the point where I have to numb myself in order to live with him. The moment I have to consider such a thing, it is time for me to go. Believe me, it is way past time. I have no hope. I have no joy. I have no sense that repeating the cyclical history of 20 years gone by will bring a different result. Hey, I figured out that if I stop bashing my head against the wall, it stops hurting. My heart does ache, because deep inside of me is the girl who wanted so much to meet a boy who adored me, and made all the pieces of life finally fit together. I guess I had some expectations too. But slowly, one at a time I have had to let go of them all.
I have also had the suggestion to read this book, or pray this prayer, go to a counselor, etc. etc. etc. These are all phases we have been through. We have been down each and every road. I literally have nothing left to give. I don't even have any passion behind these words. I just want to be set free. I don't want another man. I just want me, and my kids, and quiet and calm. I want to get up every day and not have anybody else's chaos to manage, or anybody else's neglect to suffer through.
Thank you so much for all the heartfelt suggestions. I know you mean well - all of you. But I am not going to dull my senses so that things that are horrific in my opinion don't look so bad. I have to fight for something better.
I do not know you well, as I'm quite new to your page. I just want to wish you all the best, and I'm hear if you ever need someone to vent too.
ReplyDeleteIt is true that none of us can know what you are going through or what you have experienced. There is no quick fix. There is no right answer sometimes. On one hand, separating can bring peace. On the other hand, it can bring much sorrow to children. I know this first hand, and I know that you know these things as well. What i am stumbling around here, trying to say is that, as your friends, of course we want you to be happy and fulfilled. We want God's best for you. I can't say what that looks like, but at the end of the day, I pray that you will make a decision based on Truth, rather than feelings. Know that I continue to pray for you, am not judging where you are, and think of you as you go through this dark time.
ReplyDeleteI came back to say that I read some of the comments on your last post and I loved what Emily had to say. We Christian women need to share the pain we experience in our relationships so that we do not feel alone and isolated. You are not the first to walk this path, and you will not be that last. If anyone has a perfect marriage, they are not living in reality. Keep your eyes on what matters and know that your sharing will encourage others to know that they are not alone as well. I am sorry that you don't have anyone close there to share with, but am glad that you are reaching out to your bloggy friends. I don't always say things the way I want to in my comments, but know that I do care about what you are going through, so keep sharing, if it helps.
ReplyDeleteOh, you sweet thing. Sigh. I'm so sorry you're going through such a dark, painful time. I am so proud of you for your bravery in sharing it. I have prayed that God would give you clarity and direction. You are very cared about, dear girl.
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ReplyDeleteJules,
ReplyDeleteOnly YOU will know what you need in order to get through these trying times. Let your intuition be your guide has always worked for me. Care for and love ya, dear friend.
When I divorced in 2001, I was heartbroken. But you know something? This is 2008 and I love the peace that my son and I have. There is no one that I have to consider in my everyday life except God and my son. There are no other grown people that I have to please but myself. My plans only have to work for my son and I. I apologize to other who may be reading this and thinking that I'm saying marriage is negative. It's not. It can be wonderful.God has my future husband out there somewhere! But for alot of people it's miserable. Alot of people are so afraid of being single, but I have a peace that a married person will never have. God is gonna be with you marrried or single. Get your peace back. If you know you've done all you can don't let the devil or anyone accuse you. You only get one life.
ReplyDeleteWow, you're amazing to share this.
ReplyDeleteI've dealt with some very serious issues in my marriage, not the "don't get along" stuff but the BIG ones. So my heart goes out to you. Sometimes it can feel like you're dieing.
Praying that you hear Father's voice clearly and your heart mends.
Gayle
My husband has been wanting to leave the area, and this is exactly why I don't want to. Our marriage is not in a good place, and I would lose my entire support network.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you are going through this. Praying peace for you.