Without trying to make myself sound like some sort of martyred super-hero who only does things for the greater good, I wanted to explain something that I was able to articulate earlier today in an email to a friend. I have often thought this, but it has become crystal clear in the light of my present circumstances. So often we do one another a disservice by drawing a veil over a part of our lives that is hard, difficult, ugly, disturbing, dark, morbid, weak. In so doing, we have become salesmen for Jesus. We wear the squeaky clean suit, folded hankie in our pocket, sport impeccable grooming - because instead of being real with people, we want our countenance to reflect perfection. Relationships are damn hard. People are unpredictable. Our emotions fail us, and often leave us in crumbled heaps. Our humanity is frail. We do not cease to be human when we come to Him, and I do not understand the superhuman, power-suit mentality that some Christians posture in front of others. We do have a care in this world - often a lot of them. I will let you peek behind the veil of my life because I believe it is our duty to one another to say - this is hard for me too. It sucks and you are not alone.
Maybe some have found my blogging disrespectful, raw, gruesome. It is - I know because I'm not just writing it, I'm living it. Some have said it was powerful, brave. It is because they could relate. It is real, and that is all I can be, authentically me. My introverted friend said, "stop telling people stuff!". I don't think that will ever be my style, but I love her for wanting to protect me in the way that she naturally defends herself. I am not a secret keeper. The truth is that I never really had a veil at all except that which others imposed on me. I am going to walk this road through the good and bad right beside you my bloggy friends. If it helps you to be a better person, so be it. If you find it annoying, whiny or repulsive, fortunately my turn around time is pretty quick, and I should be back to blogging about good stuff in a couple of days. You might wanna check back in a few.
Julie,
ReplyDeleteI loved this post-real, funny, and really funny. Thanks for being an open book-even if that isn't your blog name anymore.
I liked how you talked about being salesmen- that was a great word picture for me. We need to be the real deal- with ourselves and each other.
ReplyDeleteYou know I spent 10 years in the CoC and I was the fake Stephanie because guess what they didn't want to know how I really was, they couldn't handle the real deal.
ReplyDeleteI am no longer being a facade I am ME I am who I am, I am wonderfully made, you go girlfriend! It's people like you who help others be real, be true, this is real life, we get one shot so why f**k it up by pretending to be something we are not.
"The truth is that I never really had a veil at all except that which others imposed on me." LOVE IT! I am the same way. What you see is always what you get. I believe that God uses people like us to help connect with other people who would never put out the things we put out. Sometimes you have to let people know what you're going thru. If you don't, you may be sitting right next to someone who can point you the way out...and you miss it!
ReplyDeleteThanks for being you. And congrats on the air conditioning. I would have been a shell of a person had I had to endure even one day without the blessed air conditioner. I found the revelation that all was not well at your home to be surprising, but it didn't diminish my opinion of you one tiny little bit. Keep walking your walk and your true friends will meet you along the way regardless of where that road takes you.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Renae
Julie I love the way you are. You are so very uniquely you! You have always been able to share what is on your heart and to share your struggles and then be strong enough to hold your own against those who don't want to look at themselves so they want to come over and fix you. (some of us would rather just keep quiet because we really don't want those with their "expert" opinions coming and making judgement calls on things they know nothing about)
ReplyDeleteSomething else I love about you is that you are also so very good at admitting when you have messed up and you don't brag and puff yourself up when you do something really right.
We all have our struggles and some are just really ugly. I love you no matter what. I am also praying for you. You are a pretty terrific friend. Now come to WV so I can give you a hug! I'm feeling sappy now.
I appreciate your open-ness. I'm getting to know you, problems and all. It makes you even more real to me. Not just some woman in Texas. I can picture you as you write.
ReplyDeleteThank You for being you.