A Little Bitter, Mostly Sweet

That is the best way that I can describe 2010. The year has come to a close and a new one has begun. When I was younger, a new year was met with excitement. Much like the exhilaration of a new journal, so many blank pages and the joy and anticipation of time and what story they would write - a new year was a story waiting to be told. In recent years I had become more cynical and increasingly more hopeless. No eager anticipation - just an ever increasing sense of being stuck - stuck in pain, stuck in misery. Just stuck.

I am thankful for the resilience of spirit and the inner strength that could only be from God that brought me through. This past year has been one of the most difficult of my life. I had to resign to the fact that my marriage was over. I saw the words in black and white of my divorce decree. That in itself did not hurt as much as I would have anticipated. My marriage had been dead for a very long time. What hurt was the letting go and giving up on something that I had worked so hard on. I was the EMT refusing to quit CPR though all signs of life had ceased.

From the ashes came beauty. About six weeks after my divorce was final, in a time that I would have never anticipated, I met someone. Gary and I were married on September 26th. He is truly my best friend. There is so much to how we met and why we married so quickly and what our plans are for the future. I am sure this venture back into blogging will offer many opportunities to share some of that. My blog has been more therapeutic than I ever could've imagined. It was here I poured out much of my pain, sorted a lot of confused thinking and found much comfort, support and advice. On these blank pages of this blog, over the course of this year I want to share our story as we write it. This is a story of love, forgiveness and laughter. It is a chronicle of family and faith and much healing.

No Time to Blog

Life is moving at a breakneck pace. I literally didn't have one minute to relax yesterday. From the moment I left work it was go, go, go. Once I got home at 11 pm I had to make my "healthy" lunch. Real food, good food requires so much more prep time, but it is worth it. I had started to wake every morning with a blood-sugar crash that felt much like a hangover and in just a couple of days with the simple diet change of removing white sugar and white flour from my diet, I already feel sooooo much better.
I have decided that working moms are my heroes. Having been a "stay at home mom" for many, many years, I KNOW that all moms are working moms. However, there is a great juggling act that goes on for moms that work full-time outside the home, one that I am only beginning to understand. Every day I am proud of myself for all that I do - the sense of accomplishment and the spirit of doing whatever is necessary - and simultaneously I feel guilt for all that I cannot do and the abbreviated amount of time that I spend with my kids. But day by day we are making it, one day at a time.

I Miss You

Yep - I have been absent from my blog a bit in the last week or so. My computer crashed and we had to send it packing - literally to HP so they could replace the motherboard. This happened after Travis and I did much hair-pulling (our own hair, not each other's) trying to troubleshoot the issue with technical support.
Life has been a whirlwind. I have been working about 20-25 hours a week. I still like my job, but I get home late a lot of nights. Travis and I have been spending much more time together - which is excellent - but also means I have less time to blog.
Just wanted you to know, my dear bloggy buddies, that although I may not be posting much - it is because life is offering me many opportunities to live outside the blog for now. I do miss you and hope to catch up with each of you very soon.

Real LOL

In case you don't know what Flair is - it is a little button with quotes, pictures, icons from your favorite movie or band, kind of like the ones I used to wear covering my denim jacket in high school and they are part of an application on Facebook. Today I saw one that said "Fact: 90% of people who type LOL are not in fact, laughing out loud." How true is that?
I told my friend Tina not long ago that I wanted to hear and share real laughter - not just read LOL referring to the predominance of my cyber-life. This week I have spent quite a bit of time laughing with my family. We have told jokes, kicked back, laughed about old times and made some terrifically awesome new memories. I wish I had more time in West Virginia to stay with my friends - but I am so unbelievably grateful that I have had this chance to get to know my family and be crazy about them all over again! We played Apples to Apples tonight - and in the middle of all the laughing we are creating inside jokes that we'll tell for years to come, pick on each other, and roll on the floor laughing together. I don't think about the "c" word, biopsies, financial strains or anything else. All my burdens are lifted in the fun and companionship of their love.

Sometimes it Takes a Disaster to Clean Things Up

I know - easy for me to say right? My house is in one piece. All members of my family are intact. Life can go back to normal fairly easily once the electricity goes back on. The losses are few. The inconveniences are minimal. My kids and I aren't even at our house - so we haven't even given up more than a night's sleep. We are provided with a bed to sleep in, privacy, and creature comforts. But for me the prevailing thought in my mind the last few days was how no disaster swirling around me could ever compare to the disaster that I have felt for most of my life on the inside.
Relationships with family have always been awkward. The feeling of not really belonging with either side has always caused extreme discomfort. The fragility has been delicate to the point of apologizing for taking up space where someone else far more worthy might reside including in my own skin. I can't even begin to articulate the brokenness, shame, guilt, and fear that have surrounded me.
This visit with my family has been different than ever before. I know a lot of it is me. I am different. I have changed. As my friend Stephanie would say, "I've had the stick removed". I feel so cared for by my dad. I can't explain that - it isn't like he never tried to take care of me - but where it may have seemed obligatory before, it now feels like he wants to make sure we know we are loved here. My nieces and nephews have grabbed my heart in a new way, and Aunt Julie's heart is so full that it could burst at their songs, their antics, their toothless grins. My sister (I know you are reading Laurie!) and I are having absolutely so much fun together. She has me addicted to her favorite show "Prison Break" - but I just love hanging out with her.
Hurricane Ike brought not only the winds of destruction, but the winds of change.

A Post Not From My Phone

Today is the first chance I've had to actually look at my blog. How funny it is to see that I virtually took you with me along the way. It is pretty difficult to type too much on that Blackberry QWERTY keyboard - but I tried to keep everyone that might care posted about what we were doing and where we were. I hope you enjoyed it more than I did! Just kidding - actually it was an adventure - and truth be told - I'm always up for anything that breaks up the monotony of my life - however I may rethink the whole hurricane/evacuation thing.
I am starting to catch up on sleep - got a solid 8 hours last night. I am still amazed and think it is a blessing from the Lord that the missed night of sleep didn't impact me harder than it did. I was tired - don't get me wrong. I got all the way to NC and pulled over to try to sleep - but I just couldn't - between the excitement of being "almost here" and the adrenaline and noise of the kids it just wasn't happening.
I spent the weekend off my computer. I got direct orders from my big boss not to worry about anything but my family for a few days - and I did just that. I enjoyed my family. We went to a football game on Saturday morning and celebrated Kullen's birthday that afternoon. Yesterday we went to church and I got to sit between my sister and my dad, and words can't describe that feeling of living an answered prayer.
In some ways it felt bad - I hate knowing that Travis has no electricity and for a time had no water while we are enjoying our family. It was his choice - but all the same my heart was with him all the way. There is still no electricity and the estimates tell us 3 weeks to a month. I hope it is an inflated estimate.
Watching the news this morning, I can't believe how many people refused to evacuate south of us. Where I live it may have been understandable - but on that coast, I just can't imagine.
More later - thanks for hanging with my singularly focused blog for a while.

He's Gone

My brother Rob left at 4:30 this morning. I already miss him. We had a really nice time not doing much of anything - just hanging out. We watched movies, played games, ate good food. It was a lot like when we were younger. Our relationship was one of the worst casualties of our parents' divorce. We were scarred individually by it - but also our relationship was forever changed. I am thankful for any opportunity to reconnect with my brother. This weekend was a true blessing.

While he was here he told us SO many jokes - the best of which I will be hearing from my kids for months to come is this: What do you get when you cross a brown chicken with a brown cow? (Insert the tune bow chicka bow bow) brownchicken, browncow

He also does a hilarious impression of Bill Clinton that'll make you roll on the floor.

Classy

Regardless of where you are on the political spectrum, what issues are passionate to you, or whether you are a Christian or atheist, most of us love our families dearly and will defend them till the death. This was a class act.
And why would republicans be "shocked" as this report indicates? Aren't most conservatives pro-life? Making no assumptions here - but I would say that pro-life says each life is precious. I just don't get it. Better hold on tight atop that high horse before you get knocked down.

Almost Heaven

In my last post, my friend Dwayne reminded me that West Virginia was known as almost heaven... but not quite. It made me think of a funny sermon line our pastor used to say... "it ain't heaven till it's heaven". How true. It is a great perspective to have, that no matter where you are there are problems. The difference is, with my family of friends I learned all of the lessons that I should have learned in the safety and security of family. I learned that you can disagree with someone, or even have a falling out on something, but that if you love one another there is nothing that you aren't willing to get through and come out on the other side with an intact relationship. This is a process. With my parents, if you say something they don't like, live in a way that does not meet with their approval they may not speak to you for years. I have had some friends that I have had some serious rifts with over different things, and something beautiful happens along the way as love brought us back together. It is always love - and for the first time in my life I had that in my relationships. It wasn't always heaven, but love always prevailed. There is a palpable emptiness in my life where they used to be, and I feel like I am withering here without them.
It is hard for my husband. This is where his extended family is and he is in a place of having to choose what is best for the rest of us, or being here in case he is needed. I care a lot about my husband's family. They are a terrific bunch of people, but what I have with them mostly is a telephone relationship - which I could have from anywhere. It breaks my heart for him to have to make such a decision. We had a long talk about it - and the kids were articulating the best way they could how unhappy they have been here overall. Please be praying for our family as we move through this difficult process.

BTW - I woke up yesterday morning with the top right quarter of my back in serious pain that didn't go away through the day. It gets worse at night - so sitting, standing, laying - nothing seems to be comfortable. I kept heat on it quite a bit. I am not sure what is going on but I think it is likely stress related. My muscles were so tight the other day that I could barely turn my head. This is not good.

Homesick Manifesto

I have had a lot of difficulties adjusting since we moved to Texas in May 2006. Most of them were well anticipated - as I was leaving the first long-term "home" I had ever had, and the friends the Lord surrounded me with to give me the family of his making, not biological but the ones with ties that wrap all the way around your heart, and are not easily undone.
There is a lot that could be said about all the places that I have lived. I counted them out once and there are more than 20 different towns in states up and down most of the east coast. My parents' divorce was the cause for a lot of it. My personal insecurities caused me to continue a lot of this pattern into my adult life. However, in 1995 after a three month separation, Travis and I settled in Harpers Ferry, West Virginia - and there we stayed for almost 11 years. I made the best friends I had ever had in my life. These were the people who gathered around when my babies were born, the ones who filled our home with their presence and prayer support when we were in need, rejoiced with us when something good happened, and cried with us when we struggled and suffered. They are the people who would leave toilet paper and laundry detergent on the front seat of our car when they knew Travis was out of work, and point at one another and shrug their shoulders unknowingly when asked about it to preserve our dignity. They are the ones who filled your life with great excitement and surprise in the everyday of it all, side by side. We would hang out in the wee hours of the morning together, play games, talk, laugh, debate. I finally had the family that I had always wanted. I knew moving away would be hard, but felt that we owed it to Travis to get to know his family and try to make a life where he wanted to be.
The thing is, being here has been hell. It isn't the place or the people, but it is truly that my heart is elsewhere. We haven't succeeded in building the family relationships that we had hoped to, and find that we are quite alone. Financially we are in the same boat. With the rising economy, I have realized that in a short amount of time, we will quickly be stuck wherever it is that we live with little life outside, unable to even afford a yearly trip home to the people we love and who love us. I feel that we have made every effort to transplant our hearts here and find that the soil is not conducive to establishing good, healthy roots. I feel that if we don't get back to the soil where we thrive, we will wither and die. The kids have made it clear to me that they feel the same way, which gives me leave to express it fully knowing that I am not the only one who knows that this is not where we belong.
No whining, just a statement. This is my manifesto - my proclamation to the world - I don't know how, and I don't now when, but I am going home.

I Love My Ecclectic Family

I have been hard at work learning how to make PDF forms interactive. My brain is smoking. But from my seat at my desk I can hear all sorts of interesting things going on in my house. A couple of hours ago, Kullen was loading the Mavis Beacon typing program onto the computer so he could learn how to type efficiently and was giving household reports at each new level he accomplished. My oldest daughter has been in and out of here asking for the address book, stamps, telling me about how she wrote letters to her friends and filled them with glitter (shhh!). It seems she has gone on now to getting her transcript ready for her the community college application, where she hopes to take sociology and maybe some other classes in the fall. The sounds of Michael Buble are blaring down the hallway - and I am rather enjoying it. "The best is yet to come...." pretty uplifting. I heard some beating and banging and called out to ask Kullen what was going on. He came in my room and said, "Just making holes in my wall cause it's fun" and put on the best schmoozy grin he could when my head spun in his direction in a manner that would make Linda Blair proud! There have been deliveries of toast with jam and chai tea to help me keep up my stamina for all the heavy duty work. The cat ate the rest of my dinner because we left her unattended in the kitchen, and Kaitlyn offered hers to me (I declined!). Kaitlyn is cleaning out her trunk and closet, and has donned her brother's arms with her rainbow leg-warmers. He is hanging out with her while she works for now - evidently needing a break from all the banging. Travis has retired to his back room for some gaming. I know that sometimes I am so overwhelmed - but I love these people. They make my life so full, so happy, so real.

Anniversary

Two years ago today we sold our little house in the Blue Ridge Mountains and headed for the Lone Star State. It is a bittersweet anniversary. It was such a hard thing to say goodbye to my own "little house in the big woods". Having moved so much as a child, I had lived in the same town for over a decade, and in the same house for almost seven years. This was a huge thing to step away from, and continues to be to this day.
This past weekend two young people that I love dearly had their graduations and we weren't there to celebrate with them. Heart wrenching really, but unproductive to dwell on. Life has always had markers - times of happiness and times of pain. In each season, God's faithfulness to us has been the prevailing theme. Even during this time of feeling very isolated from those that I hold so dear - wondering if they remember that their places in our hearts are secure even if our seats at the dinner table, the party, the restaurant, the road trips are otherwise occupied for this season.

Interesting that this is Memorial Day as well. We arrived in Texas in the wee hours of the morning on Memorial Day. While it is a military holiday, it is also a marked memorial in our personal lives. I'm reposting this video of some fun times during our first visit home with our friends - just cause I'm missing them today. We really don't know how to say goodbye - so we just won't - ever!

No Deep Thoughts

Inside my head over the last few days is only this sound -

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

While I have been busy, I have not had much to contribute to the blogosphere. I am working, eating, sleeping, watching movies, and trying to stay home so that I don't spend our entire income in gas. It is amazing.
I am also working on the new planner for this coming year, and hope to have it released in time for the summer so those of you who homeschool can have it ready for the "school year". If you have any ideas for pages that you wish we had last time, throw them at me! This year's planner is going to be fully interactive so you can use it on your computer alone - OR you can print it to use.
In other exciting news, my brother Rob has finally be introduced to our two step-sisters, Alisha and Renae. I take full credit for pulling Alisha into the blogosphere and hope you'll hop over to her blog and say "howdy". Rob always lived with my dad, and since our mother married the girls' father, they haven't met in the 24 years since they were related. So, that's some pretty groovy stuff. Wouldn't it be a real treat if we all got to meet one day? (Well I sort of already know all of them - but it'd be neat if they got to meet! I hope they don't leave me out!)
That's all for now folks.

Soaking up Some Sun-ity

One of the best parts about living in southeast Texas is that the ocean is just a hop, skip and a ferry ride away. There is nothing like the roar of ocean waves, the wind whipping through your hair, the sea spray exfoliating your skin and the soft sand between your toes to set your world right again.
I am a spontaneous - go to bed one night and think I will do one thing and wake up on the "scrap it all and go to the ocean" side of the bed kind of girl. My husband needs contractual agreements, and plans set in stone weeks before - meaning that if we have to stop at Walmart for a new tube of sunblock along the way, his apple cart is overturned. So, it was no small miracle that he agreed to go on the spur of the moment with me. (You can only imagine what great pains we went through to get the self-portrait of the two of us at the top left here - and to get him to consent to allowing me to post one of them!)
The day was perfect - not too hot, adequately sunny. The 20 minute ferry ride gave us some sort of a ship-show as the bay was full of oil tankers and fishing boats - and even some excitement when at one point it appeared we might collide with one. Galveston has white, fine sand and the ocean floor is nice and solid - not slimy or rocky. We all had a really good time. Travis didn't get in the water - but he enjoyed the feeding the seagulls and pigeons. He met a guy that looked and reminded us all of his best buddy, Tav, and chatted it up with him a while. I soaked up some sun, splashed in some waves with my kids, and found a chance to scribble out some story notes for my writing. It was nice to be away from the computer, cell phone and demands of daily life. It was a great, relaxing day. We're doing it again asap!

In this picture Travis is feeding goldfish crackers to the birds. When he saw this picture he asked me, "What, am I flying a bird kite?" to which I asked, "Did you fly a bird kite?" He answered, "No." This cracked me up. We are one dysFUNctional family. I guess for better or worse.

About Those Kids

I saw this Look-alike Meter thing on Renae, my fellow Texan but nowhere near being my neighbor's blog! I did get different results depending on the different pictures I used of my kids - which goes to show that they are a unique blend of their mother and father and it comes out at different times - but all in all is the perfect combination!
It was pretty fun. I think I enjoyed this even more than the celebrities - since we hear so many people say this one looks exactly like their dad - or that one looks exactly like their mom used to when she was young. (Nobody actually says that - nobody actually remembers what I look like when I was young.)
Anyway - enjoy - and do let me know if you post your results.
Oh yes - and word to the wise - be sure when you get to the "post it on your blog" section you are careful to remove your last name if you don't want to publicize this info. I had to go through mine twice to get this removed.

Alisha and Nolan

I haven't scrapbooked in forever. That is the nice thing with the digital scrapbooking. I can get inspired to make a page and just make one. I don't have to hunt for hours for the right stuff - or dig it all out just to put it away at dinnertime when we need to use the table. I can just open up a program and some pictures and some other stuff, and be inspired!
My inspiration came from an email after a recent reunion with my sister. She was telling me all about her 9 yo. son and then said she was still "getting to know" her 4 month old baby. I thought that was precious. It went along the lines of the Charlotte Mason philosophy that children are "born persons" that I have embraced with my whole heart. I just loved it. Then I heard this quote by Max Lucado which also enveloped this thought - it was perfect for word art for this page. I just popped all those pieces together and made this page that will always be special.
Just a little something special for my sister at Christmas. I am so thankful that you found me! I love you girl.
I have another inspiration - but no time. I'll share that page when it is finished as well.
If you like the word art on this page and would like me to send it to you - please email me at julientexas AT sbcglobal DOT net - I'm happy to share! Good words should be repeated.

Funny Video - A Homeschool Family

I wish I could find a way to embed this video - but it is set up to play instantly when you click on this link. It is a must-see for Homeschoolers! Very effective in helping us not take ourselves too seriously. Weirdos that we are!

Sistas!

Here is the post I eluded to yesterday...
A couple of days ago I got an email - the message subject was "long lost sister". My first thought sadly was to wonder what new angle the spammers were taking with this one. But when the email came up in my preview pane - I saw that it was from someone named Alisha. I have two (step) sisters named Alisha and Renae. We haven't talked since 1995. It is a long story - but let's just suffice to say that we were not encouraged to have a relationship with each other, and the parents who should have helped us stay in contact no longer have an active part in any of our lives.
Renae had been searching the internet to reconnect with some friends from high school, and somehow was routed to my blog! She is a homeschool mom of 4 - and it appears we have so much in common from movies and books, to homeschooling, to a love of history, to our faith. Alisha is the mother of two gorgeous boys. We may not have quite as much obvious in common, but we were always thicker than thieves when we were younger. I remember listening to our 80s music together, late night talks about french kissing and boys. Because I know how much these girls have overcome to become the tremendously special women that they are today, I am so incredibly proud of them.
I am so terribly sad at the years we have lost. But I am not going to waste one single moment grieving over that when we could spend it getting to know each other again. It's been too long. I love them. I am so thankful. I am so glad that they had the courage to make contact. I have made fruitless efforts to find them online. I guess that blogging has a lot of benefits we can't even imagine - and I am glad that I didn't blog so incognito that they couldn't find me. The last couple of days have been a flurry of emails about our lives, and sharing pictures of our children. It has been terrific.
We don't have a "family" picture of us together - although through the years we were able to share a few holidays together. I took some pictures of the three of us and made this little "Christmas" picture out of some snippets from Thanksgiving 1989. I was 19, Alisha 16 and Renae 14. It was totally the 80s! Can you dig that hair? Geesh. How did I hold my dang head up!
I hope you two are reading this and know how glad I am that we have found our way to each other again.

Blast from the Past - Me and My Baby

My mother-in-law sent me this picture of myself holding my Kaity-bug when she was about 2 months old. I just love it. I don't have a whole lot of pictures of me with my kids - so this is a rare one. I don't look old enough here to be a mommy, but I was - twice!
Kendra was 2 years old and we lived in Raleigh at the time. My mother and father-in-law took this picture when they visited us that summer of 1993 - but I had never seen it.
I just thought I would share since it thrilled me so much!

Divorce: The Gift that Keeps on Giving

Having divorced parents stinks. I can feel like a completely healthy and whole adult and then WHAM - unexpectedly something happens that makes me feel like a piece of garbage that my whole family is trying to scrape off of their shoe. You are like an enemy who has infiltrated their ranks - and the worst part is that everyone thinks of you as the member of the other family - essentially leaving you without one at all. Some stinky moments:

• knowing your whole family was taking a cruise because one insensitive person decides to call and tell you they won't be home for a while just so you know - and hey all your siblings are coming, but you aren't invited - then being told you weren't invited because you have a baby and we knew you wouldn't come - would it KILL people to invite you anyway and let you turn the invitation down????
• whole extended family attends a cousin's wedding you aren't even invited to
  
• finding out months after the fact that my cousin and his wife had a baby
• finding out months after the fact that another cousin's wife is expecting
• seeing family pictures of events that you weren't even invited to - theme remains - invite somebody even if there is likely no chance they'll come so they at least feel like they are part of a family - but I'm not holding my breath - I was rarely invited when I lived right there
• calling people you haven't heard from in months and being told - "hey, I was thinking about calling you" - after 20 years of this you pretty much know they never had any intention of calling you or inviting you into their lives
• knowing that one of your parents travels all over the free world - but can't afford the gas when you ask them to come see you
• having your parent and step-parent rush hours away to see a sibling because they need them - when they have never spent more than 30 minutes at your house regardless of your need
  
• visiting the house of one of your parents - only to find that none of the pictures of your children have ever even made it into frames in favor of all the other grandchildren - and the one collage you made years ago that hung behind a door down a dark hallway isn't even there because they were painting and OOPS - it never got hung back up - and pretending to be so stupid that you didn't see the nail is no longer there and the hole is spackled

Oh - I could write a book - and the pages would be riveting. It must be nice to have a family is all I can say. I'll get over it - I always do - but today I am having a hard time with it. I am trying so hard to make the family I want with my kids - but ya know - sometimes I would just like to have a mom or dad of my own.