No Time to Blog

Life is moving at a breakneck pace. I literally didn't have one minute to relax yesterday. From the moment I left work it was go, go, go. Once I got home at 11 pm I had to make my "healthy" lunch. Real food, good food requires so much more prep time, but it is worth it. I had started to wake every morning with a blood-sugar crash that felt much like a hangover and in just a couple of days with the simple diet change of removing white sugar and white flour from my diet, I already feel sooooo much better.
I have decided that working moms are my heroes. Having been a "stay at home mom" for many, many years, I KNOW that all moms are working moms. However, there is a great juggling act that goes on for moms that work full-time outside the home, one that I am only beginning to understand. Every day I am proud of myself for all that I do - the sense of accomplishment and the spirit of doing whatever is necessary - and simultaneously I feel guilt for all that I cannot do and the abbreviated amount of time that I spend with my kids. But day by day we are making it, one day at a time.

Updates and a Confession

It made my heart grow faint when I saw this message on my dashboard "scheduled outage at 2:00 PM PDT". It says only 10 minutes. Okay - I can handle that.
An update on the FaxZero service - works like a charm. The only issue I can see is that you can only send .doc (Word) documents or .pdf (Adobe Acrobat) documents. I have used both the free fax and the $1.99 faxing options. They both went through successfully - so have at it.
And.... if you've read here more than once you know that I'm pretty upfront with things. I share my heart unabashedly; the good, the bad, the ugly, the partially processed thoughts and the thoughts with fillers (think of your brain as SPAM). So I have a wee confession of sorts to make, as they say confession is good for the soul. I have been a neglectful mother. I have been under a tremendous amount of stress because of our financial situation - which is extreme in ways I cannot express fully here out of respect for the privacy of others. That stress has led me to hole up on my computer - and while I have been busy in ways that are productive - working on my planner, writing assignments, helping friends, going way overboard with my job - because I can immerse myself there and zone out. Yep - I've kept up with the housework, cooked meals, planned things - but I haven't been really tuned in as a mom. Can anybody relate to that half-listening state and the feeling of just wanting to be left alone? It isn't them. It is totally me. I don't want to be asked for something I can't give. I can't take another expectation, question, heart to heart because I am kinda spent - and the biggest drain is stress. Please pray for us - because in the next week to 10 days, we will either have relief or our situation will increase a hundred-fold. I can feel it in my neck, my back, my head.
This evening, the kids and I are going to a local water park for a few hours reprieve. I am going to squeeze my chubby little butt into a bathing suit and go float some of my cares away on the lazy river with my kids. I will not think about anything else. I will laugh. I will enjoy their smiles. I will look them in the eye. I will remember what a privilege it is to be their mom.
Thanks for letting me spew a bit. You can wipe yourselves off now!

A Working Mom

This has come up a couple of times recently and I thought I would take a minute to address it here - there is no such thing as a mom that doesn't work. Period. Even if you don't get a paycheck. If you homeschool or not, taking care of a home and a family is a job within itself.
Moms that work out of the home - getting their kids up in the morning and off to school before heading out to work for the day and dealing with the public or co-workers, office politics and all that entails all day long, only to come home and make dinner, help with homework, not to mention any extra-curriculuar activities, and get everybody ready to start the day over again tomorrow - are my heroes! (Alisha!) I don't know how they do it. I can remember when I started homeschooling one of the common responses from women I knew was "I don't know how you do that?" and I said that I didn't know how they did what they did. Obviously my Wonder Woman cape came with holes.
However, there is a bit of a sting such as yesterday when my insurance agent said to me about why she couldn't reach me, "Oh I thought maybe you got a job." and a family member suggested not long ago knowing our financial struggles that I might need to consider getting a job. First of all - I have a job that I work from home usually between 25-30 hours a week. Secondly, although it is part time, I come out better income wise in the long run that I would make working outside my home, putting gas in a vehicle and having a wardrobe that consists of more than my t-shirt and jeans fare, etc. Not to mention - I can work for a few hours and then take on a project at home or do something with my kids, arranging my work hours around life with my family. And third, my husband and I decide those things for us because only we can evaluate our priorities.
I think it is a matter of respect. This is where I am, nurturing what is important to my family - and I will extend this respect and expect the same from others.

Eccentric Mama

Last night my kids decided we needed to watch Rodgers & Hammerstein's Cinderella. They get in moods to watch old videos from time to time and this was last night's choice. The girls were reminding me of when we first bought this particular "family classic". I had gone to town for a small group called "Can of Worms" where we read and discussed some great Christian books such as Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. Once I was out for the evening without kidlets, I would often "do Walmart" and get my shopping done for the week. Evidently, this particular night, I made this most excellent movie purchase, and was so excited about it, I woke the kids up when I got home, popped popcorn and we watched the movie.
I have been known to take the kids out late at night when a movie we were really excited about was going on sale at midnight and wait so we could buy it and hosted a pancake breakfast/movie viewing with some of our friends. We have gone to the movies for an afternoon and when we couldn't decide which movie we wanted to see, we saw both, back to back (at the cheap theater of course). We have gone out late at night for a premiere of Harry Potter, Spiderman 3, and others.
This may seem that much of my eccentricities center on movie-going or movie-watching, however, there is much more than this I assure you. My friend Keet has taught me to embrace who I am. (Check out this post!) I have asked my kids if they would rather have a normal mom - and they always say emphatically NO!!! I guess eccentricity doesn't skip a generation!

Blast from the Past - Me and My Baby

My mother-in-law sent me this picture of myself holding my Kaity-bug when she was about 2 months old. I just love it. I don't have a whole lot of pictures of me with my kids - so this is a rare one. I don't look old enough here to be a mommy, but I was - twice!
Kendra was 2 years old and we lived in Raleigh at the time. My mother and father-in-law took this picture when they visited us that summer of 1993 - but I had never seen it.
I just thought I would share since it thrilled me so much!

The Fun House

Growing up with a mother who was sanity-challenged (is that the politically correct way to say she was nuts?) my life as a teenager was very small, and dark, and difficult and revolved around her moods, whether manic or depressed, who she hated or loved, and sometimes something as simple as what side of the bed she woke up on, whether or not her coffee was the right temperature, or if her ashtray was clean (an OCD issue). I lived in a house where we hid when someone knocked on the door. I seldom had friends over, and when I did, my mom would use the opportunity to cause me more shame and anger than it was worth. Living like this is quite miserable. I would see other people that got together on weekends, or had parties and events at their house and it seemed I always lived on the outside edges of those moments that make all the rest of life more bearable - the laughter, enjoyment and company of friends. I promised myself when I grew up and had my own kids and my own home, I would have an open door policy. I wanted my house to be a place where the kids in the neighborhood wanted to hang out. I wanted our home to be the place where people would gather. I wanted people to just love being there - no matter what. When my neighbor comes by for a cup of coffee, I set aside the chore I was in the middle of and invest 30 minutes into her life. When my kids' friends want to come by - I almost never say no. Tonight a neighborhood boy came by while Kaitlyn and Kullen and I sat on the porch playing Clue in the cool night air. A little while later, Michael stopped by even though he knew Kendra was at work, and joined in. I popped a huge bowl of popcorn and we drank iced tea and watched A Nightmare Before Christmas (poor Kendra - we missed her!). There was no pre-planning - people showed up and we made room in our lives for them and it was a super evening. It makes my heart so happy that people like to be here. I am also so thankful for a husband that never minds how many people are sitting at the dinner table or lounging in the living room. No more hiding. No more shame. I am living in the fun house!!!! (and often the nut house!) Come on over!

A Gem in the Word

God's word is full of priceless treasure, but I have a special one in my Bible that belongs only to me! When my girls were younger they loved to use rubber stamps. When my daughter Kaitlyn was 10 years old, she presented me with this bookmark she made with rubber stamps that I will keep in my Bible until the day that I die. In her own little poetic way, she gave me the best compliment that a mother could receive. In a culture where the family is diminishing and motherhood is not highly valued, she has found me to be a "rare" mommy. How much better could it get than that? I'll be an old lady - Lord willing - holding that in wrinkled, knotted hands, with a laugh in my heart that we broke the mold, shunned the mediocre, and aimed for the absolute best, because I am a rare mommy!
Thank you my precious baby girl. Your words have been forever etched in my heart. You too are a rare daughter!
What's in your Bible?

What is Wrong With this Picture

Mom - feed the cat and kittens the second my eyes are open, make coffee, clean out kitchen sink from night before (even though I did it at midnight somebody still always sneaks something in behind me), throw in first load of laundry for the day, check email (work at home), bible study and prayer, blog, make bread, switch out laundry, sweep floor, check email, make lunch (today was mac & cheese), wash up any dishes, switch out laundry, cook dinner, serve dinner, check email, fold towels, cut husband & son's hair, sweep up floor, make lunches for tomorrow for everyone (we are having a day out and packing our lunch), pack clothes for tomorrow's beach trip, fold mountain of laundry, check email, and there's still 4 more hours to go in the day.......

Dad - work 8 hours (in all fairness - out in the hot Texas sun - but when the day is done - it is DONE), eat dinner, watch TV, get hair cut, hang out on computer, roll eyes when wife happens to faint in the middle of the most intense action of my game

Kendra - tidy bedroom, tidy bathroom, help with laundry (meaning mom reminds me to check it, and later I will say, "I did the laundry"), clean up after dinner with my sister, listen to music, walk with a friend, sit on front porch with friend and drink hot tea, talk on phone, step over mom who has fainted on the floor

Kaitlyn - tidy kitchen & unload dishwasher, draw, tidy bedroom, draw, fold some towels, draw, sit on porch and talk with sister and friend, draw

Kullen - feed dog, take out trashes, play GameCube, see mom fainted on the floor and ask if she wants to play "Sorry", pout when she doesn't answer, watch old episodes of Quantum Leap

I don't mean to be facetious - but do you ever feel like your life is to make all of their lives better, and that you rarely exist on some level? I know that God has asked me to put others more highly than myself, and most of the time I do it without effort, but there are some days when I feel like I am going to breakdown under the load.

Under Fire

Yesterday morning I entered two posts on this here blog - one about my husband and how the Lord has bridged a gap with laughter, and the other about my children - how much I love them and want them to be with me every day. Today I want to be divorced and childless. Okay maybe there was too much drama in that statement - but I definitely would like to run away - at least for a couple of hours, but with my luck I'd probably run into somebody who had lost something, was hungry, or expected me to take care of them! Do you know in only a few short hours after posting those two entries, my husband and I had a major blow out - you know the kind that sends a car careening off a cliff into a dry ravine below. That kind of blow out. Big. Huge. Ugly. I wasn't too nice either.
Today I have felt overwhelmed by motherhood. Everybody stays up too late, sleeps in too late, is grouchy with me for making them get up, and has a million excuses or escape routes out of helping out around this house, etc. Working from home 7 days a week is weighing on me - and I have to have the kids help or I will totally cave. But today it has been nothing but sheer resistance. I feel like I live with four takers - take take take - and they never notice when I may not have any more to give, or heaven forbid, that I need something.
I drank a Caramel Iced Coffee yesterday evening while the kids were at Bible study that kept me up until 2 am and I think that may have something to do with my inability to cope. I am headed to bed very soon and will hope for a better day tomorrow. Ugh. And even while I know that there are real physical factors contributing, I also think that as soon as we praise the Lord for something - the enemy launches a counter-attack! How evil is that?
BTW - hubby and I made up which was an act of God. I still have a hostile teenager who doesn't think she should be punished - but I can live with that.

I Don't Get It!

I know that the woman that just said this meant nothing sinister by it, but it made me scratch my head as I was leaving. I just dropped Kullen off at VBS at the church closest to our house. As I was leaving, one lady was saying to another, "There's nothing like 3 hours of free babysitting for your kids, huh?" I just don't get it. The public schools in our area just let out. Once the rounds of Vacation Bible Schools are over, these same women will be saying, "Oh, I can't wait for school to start again! These kids are driving me crazy!" Why do people have children? They are going to be children. As a homeschool mom, this is completely counter to my thinking - I hate it when my children are away. Yes, even on the days when they drive me crazy, I wouldn't want them anywhere else. Call me weird, say I can't cut the cord, act like I have attachment disorder - I don't care. This is where God has called me to keep them - and I will tarry on in spite of the mentality that children are something to "get rid of" that swirls all around me. I know a adult that told me once that their mother said often during their childhood, "I can't wait until you kids are grown!" and even at their age it still hurts. The message they got was that they were an inconvenience keeping her from the life SHE wanted to have. What parent doesn't lay aside some of their own plans and dreams to raise their children? I am still scratching my head. I just don't get it!

A "Formal" Picture

I just wanted to share this picture that my friend Carol took at her house on the night of the formal of my girls and me. Kendra 16 is on the left and Kaitlyn 13 is on the right.
I still haven't really blogged about the formal which was the guise under which we made the trip here to WV! I will later. I have a few scrapbook pages that I am working on of pictures taken that night. Keep your eyes on the Scrap Happy meme!

All is Vanity

I can so relate to Solomon when he writes "all is vanity". It seems my days are spent shuffling from one thing to another that is truly meaningless in the big picture, menial tasks that are sure to need repeating the next day - and always sacrifice the things that are of eternal significance. The worst part is that I get my panties all in a wad about it. One second I am a perfectly reasonable human being, and the next I am like a teapot that has just achieved steam. This week we have had to have the motherboard replaced on our BRAND NEW refrigerator, had to call a service technician and troubleshoot why they dishwasher was running for six hours without stopping in the middle of the night, and it seems that every time I turn around I am cooking, cleaning, sweeping, or straightening something. I have a little OCD about a basic standard of cleanliness - and it makes me miserable. I don't need the Flylady, I need her polar opposite. (BTW - when I just went to grab that link I noticed that there was a "Flylady Cruise" coming up - how relaxing is does that sound? A siren goes off at 6:15 am and you have five minutes to dress from head to shoes! Ugh!) Where is the chick that says, it's okay if there is so much dirt on the floor you think you're in the Little House on the Prairie - if your children know that they're loved. Don't freak out if the beds aren't made - make a life that is a bed you can stand to lay in. I need the guru who gives me permission to spend an occasional afternoon reading a good book, scrapbooking, taking a nap, or immerse myself for hours in Bible word study (this is not random, this is something I'd really like to do, and never seem to find the time for). I think that we have entirely too much pressure on us as women to make it all happen. How are y'all doing with all that's on your plate?
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Job Description

I recently put together a resume - and I cracked myself up when I attempted to describe my job as a homeschool mom. Notice none of the descriptions are "teacher-y". I was wondering if you could add some other funnies to this list???

Forsythe Family School 1991-present

Harpers Ferry, WV 25425

(304) 725-4045

Supervisor – Travis G. Forsythe

Duties have included all of the following (and much more) – chief cook and

bottle washer, nose wiper, cookie maker, hug giver, back massager, chore-

meister, laundress, housekeeper, hiney-swatter, improvisational comic, teen-

counselor, crisis hotline, Barbie clothes dresser, Hot Wheels wheel-fixer, finder

of all lost things, grocery shopper, bug killer, reacher of all things on a high shelf,

chauffeur, kisser of boo-boos, household manager, financial consultant, one-

“blue collar” income juggler, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.

I'm the Parent of a Teenager - That Means I'm Insane!

I have a teenage daughter. I love her very much however, at times it feels like we are from different planets. Sometimes she blinks her eyes and says, "I love you, mommy" - translation - I want something. Sometimes she looks at me with an expression that says, "I hate you" - translation I need you to understand me. Sometimes she stomps down the hall, borrows my things and doesn't return them, asks me to buy ugly clothes, wants her hair streaked, her ears pierced, and would like somehow for me to alter the genetic makeup that causes her to have a nose shaped like mine and a chin shaped like her father. Sometimes she cries, and even she will readily admit it is for absolutely no reason! Recently she was really angry with someone, and when we talked it out, and dug a little deeper - I realized she wanted to stay angry at him, because she doesn't want to like him! She will ask me to sacrifice many hours of sleep to sit up and talk a problem out with her - and the very next day accuse me of never doing ANYTHING for her. She will insist I love her brother and sister more than her, that she NEVER gets a front seat in the car, that we never listen to HER music, she doesn't ever go ANYwhere, do ANYthing or see ANYbody - when I feel sometimes like I meet myself coming and going while helping to coordinate the social life and extracurricular activites of her and any number of her friends! She thinks herself in love with someone and talks about him 24/7, and yet rolls her eyes when her brother sings a song he likes for a second time, or I repeat a request for her music to be turned down AGAIN! Most of the time, I would swear we don't speak the same language, and yet there is a communication that goes through to the heart. Last night she came into my bedroom crying and asked to sleep with me. We didn't say too many words. She just cuddled up to me, and I held her as she cried - and I thought to myself that our relationship at it's core is still much like it was when she was a baby. She is still growing and changing - yet even though she thinks herself quite sophisticated and grown up, when things are hard, and the tears start to fall, she still needs me to hold her while she cries!