Non-Static People

Lately I have been going through what could best be described as a mid-life crisis.  I'm bored, I'm restless, I'm anxious and easily agitated.  I go from laughing to crying and back again.  Some days I wake UP in a funk that doesn't clear most of the day - which is not my usual "bubbly" (as my hubs calls it) demeanor.  I'm impatient (at least in my head) with people over things that should not be so irksome, including myself.  I'm unreasonable and irrational and I wonder how it is possible that anyone could find me lovable in such a state, especially my husband who has been married to me for just nine short months.  If he doesn't occasionally wonder what on earth he has gotten himself into, I think he should be awarded some sort of sainthood.

We were having a discussion about this fledgling personality disorder that I am developing earlier today. He knows that I am, as cliché as it sounds, trying to "find myself" and has been my biggest cheerleader.  Abusive relationships diminish a person's true self, and I am still very much in the healing process.  Often the progression of self-discovery is hindered by self-loathing and you literally have to learn to examine who you are and evaluate that this person in the mirror is good, valued, lovable.  In a lot of ways, Gary has gotten to know me better than I know myself. His honesty and willingness to hold my hand through this unfolding of my true self has made all the difference.  In one of my emotional tantrums, I was asking him if he could still love me as I change and grow. "People aren't static" he said. "I'm going to love you no matter what." 

People aren't static. They are dynamic and changing and organic and vibrant, and I am among them. Being loved securely, come what may is truly the greatest gift imaginable. 

Judge Not

I woke up this morning on the dawn of my 41st birthday with a headache. There is an impending storm, but the overcast day will do little to make me forget the sunshine of yesterday or the spring that is waking across the mountain. A hike yesterday afternoon with my family revealed that even in the depth of the woods, new shoots of green leaves are pushing through the surface to make their appearance known. So many symbolic references to be made between the newness of my life and the emerging new life of spring, but that was not the intent of this blog post. 
Yesterday morning's sermon was about the judgments we pass on one another and how the church should be a place of acceptance, outstretched arms of love to those around us.  The pastor said that instead of being the conduit of the love of God to a hurting world (my paraphrase), we judge and condemn them for doing what comes naturally. That struck such a chord in my heart. So often instead of being appalled by the sin and the consequences that follow, I am disgusted with people. I wonder in my own heart, "What is wrong with them??!" As a believer, I already know that they do what they do because they are slaves to their human nature.  Even fellow believers still have the flesh to contend with, that wages war against every bit of what is inside of us that is good. I have been hurt as much inside the church as I was ever hurt from the outside. But I try to remember that I too have inflicted similar hurts on others, and keep this as a warning inside my own heart and mind to tread lightly and hold grace as a banner over others. (At least this is what I want to do, though often I do not do it.)
Recently in a newcomer's class at the church we have started going to, I faced the judgmental words of a woman that said, "I've never been divorced."  This has been one of my biggest, most paralyzing fears that I would be summed up as a person and a Christian on the sole event known as the end of my marriage. Without having to bare your soul for the world, nobody knows how hard you tried to make it work or what you endured so that this would never be the final outcome. Even in marriages that put on a happy face, nobody knows if the person asserting, "I was never divorced" was the most miserable spouse in the world, in a marriage that lasted due to no credit of their own but because of the patience and long-suffering of another. The fear of this judgment over my divorce has held me back from the body of Christ. I have attended church over the last couple of years sporadically, but I have not invested in a body of believers or the people around me for fear that if they got to know my situation or me, that they would decide I was "less than".  I think it is time to risk the judgment and the fear of rejection and embrace the fellowship of other believers. I have missed this for so long. 
The sermon yesterday spoke this hope into my life, that I was free. 

It's the Little Things

Tonight I arrived home from work to a husband standing at the top of the stairs with my favorite Tequila Sunrise in hand.  The house smelled of the Italian chicken and pasta he had made for dinner.  On the table, a salad with a side of chopped mushrooms just for my bowl, since I am the only one who likes them.  During the day, he ran to town to take the comforter from our bed to the laundromat.  I have never been spoiled in my life.  I have seldom even know what it was like to have someone that not only didn't need me to take care of them, but invested their time and energy into making me happy and making my day just a little easier. In the few months that he entered my life, Gary has shown me more love and companionship than I have ever known.  I can still remember what it was like to be alone in the world, struggling.  I hope I never forget so that I always appreciate this gift given so freely, daily of his love.

He is That Good

I'm sitting on my front porch, in the dark, listening to the rain. It is lovely. The air is cool and damp, but this damp is the hopeful damp of spring. It is nurturing the trees and flowers, new life, emergence even now in the night. To chase the night chill, a hot cup of tea provides the perfect remedy.
I am reminded that I have gone through one of the hardest transformations of my life. This ability to sit here alone in the quiet symphony of raindrops unafraid is a part of a new me. I am being molded and re-shapen - the broken clay in the Potter's hands. I have hope that He is making something beautiful among the ruins. I don't know how I ever took that first step off of that cliff, but I can testify to the Everlasting Arms that caught me.
I am surrounded by His all-encompassing love. There are things I am starting to hope for my future, and my soul asks of Him, "Could You really be that good?"
I am not sure how the journey was made from utter hopelessness to one of such promise and peace, but let my life be a testimony. Yes, He really is that good.

Flashback Friday - C. Thomas Howell

I was telling my kids that when I was younger I had a crush on Ponyboy from "The Outsiders". I even went to the mall and bought one of those baseball shirts with a rainbow that fell into hearts spelling the word LOVE on the front and the fuzzy letters spelling C. Thomas Howell on the back. How crazy is that? I can't even explain how little those feelings were compared to what I know real love to be now, but you could not have told me that then. Last night I rented a movie for Kullen and Travis to watch tonight while I'm working and the girls are at a birthday party, and found out that C. Thomas Howell is the director and main character. (This does not bode well for him as the movie had horrible reviews.) But it made me remember Ponyboy:

Bye bye Ponyboy - nothing gold can stay.
Here's the trailer for his new movie - he's the guy at the end screaming "What are you waiting for???!!"

Deranged Love

I was reading this in The Four Loves chapter on Affection we are reading this week. It was pretty interesting....

If people are already unlovable a continual demand on their part (as of right) to be loved - their manifest sense of injury, their reproaches, whether loud and clamorous or merely implicit in every look and gesture of resentful self-pity - produce in us a sense of guilt (they are intended to do so) for a fault we could not have avoided and cannot cease to commit. They seal up the very fountain for which they are thirsty. If ever, at some favoured moment, any germ of Affection for them stirs in us, their demand for more and still more petrifies us again. And of course such people always desire the same proof of our love; we are to join their side, to hear and share their grievance against someone else. If my boy really loved me he would see how selfish his father is....if my brother loved me he would make a party with me against my sister....if you loved me you wouldn't let me be treated like this....

How does our dear author do that - word things in such a way as to say what you've been wanting to say your whole life? I have known people just like this - who I have ached to love in a way that would break through all of this, and yet their ravenous need incapacitates you to give at the level in which it would be recognized. It is important to know that this isn't my failure but perhaps something in that person that was broken long before I entered the world by way of her womb. Jesus, can you fix even this mess?
Reading C.S. Lewis is like theological crack - it stimulates so many thoughts and brings to the forefront so many things that lay internalized with seemingly no voice with which to come out. It is painful sometimes - like therapy - but it really helps me get my head on straight.

The Four Loves - Likings and Loves of the Sub-human

This past Sunday's book discussion felt a little less engaging than the previous. We read a more difficult chapter called "Likes and Loves of the Sub-human". Sadly, I never got the meaning of the title until one of the club members analyzed it for me! The conversation was enjoyable - even though the chapter was harder to trudge through. Our beloved author touched on non-human loves such as nature (naturalism) and country (patriotism).
One of the things that stood out for me was how quickly the love of anything can seem so right and good, and yet distorted can replace our love and devotion for the Creator in exchange for the created thing. Nature and all its glory in its truest form is meant to point us to and give us a revelation of God. Sometimes we get so enraptured with the thing itself, that we forget the source.
The other night, before the book club discussion, Lizbeth and I had the opportunity to be dazzled by a beautiful lightening storm on a long drive home. I even saw a double lightening bolt in the sky ahead at one point. Spectacular doesn't even begin to describe it. This inspired a conversation about God and his creative nature as our Creator. Lizbeth said how He could have made all of the world in a very utilitarian fashion. I would describe this as black and white and functional versus all of the colors, complexities, and intricate detail in the world around us. The beauty we are surrounded by speaks of love - that as God created the world, He wanted us to enjoy it, and decorated it merely for our pleasure.
How awesome is that?

The Four Loves - Introduction

Our book discussion group had it's first official meeting last night. I enjoyed it so much. We are so blessed to have such a thoughtful and intelligent group. We tossed around questions such as:

• is love just an emotion or something more?
• was there sin before the fall?
• do any humans love with purely selfless motives?
• can unbelievers truly love?

I loved hearing different perspectives. I enjoyed some of the definitive answers and some that seemed more flexible. I loved the passion behind some of the responses and the debating banter that some of the questions provoked. In fact, the only thing I didn't love was that the discussion took off with such fervor a few times that several cross discussions were happening and I couldn't hear everyone. There was no lag in the discussion, and in that sense it was a tremendous success!
Kendra and I had the idea for this group, but there is no doubt that God is putting it together, building a group that can ignite deep thoughts and inspire passionate living. Years ago I belonged to a little group called Can of Worms - and even while in the middle of it I knew it was one of those "best things" in life that you remember forever. I have a similar feeling about this group. I am so excited about where it will lead us.

The "L" Word

Having blogged here previously about dating, I have created a nice platform to segue into this post about the "L" word, love. The English language seems inadequate in its ability to articulate the full extent of the meaning of this word. Theologian C.S. Lewis describes the four loves based in part on the four Greek words for love in his book of the same name: The Four Loves.

storge - στοργη - fondness through familiarity, especially between family members of people who have otherwise found themselves together by chance

philia - φιλια - friendship or brotherly love - the city Philadelphia meaning "the city of brotherly love" has its origins in this word for love - it is called a strong bond between people who share a common interest or activity

eros - έρως - this word is connected with the sense of being in love - it is more romantically inclined and more sexual in nature - the love shared between a man and a woman

agape - αγαπη - this type of love is not dependent on reciprocation - it is unconditional and typically only fully expressed in the love of God

We say we love a philly cheesesteak and our best friend with the same word, and it has left us lacking something. A mother's heart grows faint and her knees go weak when she hears her child say that she loves - detecting the difference in the love that means affection and the sense of being "in love". She describes feelings she has never had before, and I know that this is either the start of something special or the path to a terrible heartbreak.
And I must let it happen. I am a spectator. This is her life. I want to jump right in the middle with both feet and warn him of the terrible fate that will befall him should the latter be the outcome. I don't anticipate anything of the sort, and it is really an empty threat. As a mother I want to say don't throw your heart around loosely, don't give your love away too freely - but knowing that I have always modeled loving with reckless abandon, how could I expect them to do anything less? I know that the workings of human interaction is a delicate thing. I know that this is all their story to write, and their joy to pursue. I get to have a front row seat, which is pretty awesome right now. Maybe they'll be the lucky ones who will be able to turn the "L" word will turn into the "F" word - forever.

Christian the Lion

This was the single best thing I have ever been sent online. My friend Sheryl who is currently absent from the blogsphere sent me this video via email. I hope that everyone I know takes a minute to watch it. You'll be so glad you did. It's only 2:28 minutes long - just do it.

BTW, whether you're my friend in real live, my blogging buddy, a co-worker, family member, or friend - I love you.

The Prodigal Son and the Father's Love

Try explaining to a very analytical 10 year old the story of the prodigal son and how it mirrors the relationship we have with God. Try doing this at midnight. We were cuddled up in the dark talking about the way God rejoices when someone who has been away comes back to Him. There were questions and answers, singing of snippets from the song, "When God Ran" from Phillips, Craig and Dean. It is a poignant picture. I wonder how a child who has never really known the rejection, distance of alienation of a parent can experience this in as profound a way as I did. I know that I can trust God to reveal His love to Kullen, all on His lonesome, but I know that I ached to be loved with that kind of abandon. This picture of the father, watching and waiting for the son, seeing him come from far off, and casting all dignity aside, hiking up his garment and running for all he was worth to the son who could have surely been called a disappointment, a lost cause, a failure is one that I need fresh daily. Sometimes I wonder how children who grow up in loving homes need Him like I do.
Thank you Papa.

Co-op Dress Code and the Bible

Have I belabored this subject enough? It seems it is still not finished.
Yesterday at co-op we were asked to turn in surveys regarding the dress code. We had gotten a list stating that most moms at the co-op favored the stricter dress, but there was an anonymous list, assigning numbers to each mom and then articulating what their thoughts were on the dress code. This was a bit odd, as my friend Shannon and I both thought that we were Mom #4. I personally did not feel that any of the statements represented my thoughts fully. I don't believe anyone intentionally misrepresented what I said, however, my biggest issue at the time is that a discussion among the group for a greater understanding amongst us was still missing. The stuff of relationship building, fence-mending, peace making, and unity producing.
Can there be unity even when there is disagreement? I think there has to be.
Then in the afternoon one mom asked me if I was interested in looking at some verses that she pulled out of the Bible after feeling burdened by a conversation between several of us last week. I have to admit, I had seen this paper on the copier earlier in the day and felt an instant aversion to it, not that I am averse to the Bible, but to the way people use it to shove their viewpoints down one another's throats. I didn't know who it was that had compiled this list. I now know that the woman who did it approached it with the most loving heart and best intentions, so when she asked if I would like to read a copy, I did, gladly.
When I started to look up the verses in the Message, which I have just started to read again, they really spoke to me about a few things regarding this issue.

From Romans 14 -
v1. Welcome with open arms fellow believers who don't see things the way you do, and don't jump all over them every time they do or say something you don't agree with - even when it seems that they are strong on opinions but weak in the faith department. Remember they have their own history to deal with. Treat them gently.
v2-4 For instance, a person who has been around for a while might well be convinced that he can eat anything on the table, while another with a different background, might assume he should only be a vegetarian and eat accordingly. But since both are guests at Christ's table, wouldn't it be terribly rude if they fell into criticizing what the other ate or didn't eat? God, after all, invited them both to the table. Do you have any business crossing people off the guest list or interfering with God's welcome? If there are corrections to be made or manners to be learned, God can handle that without your help.

This was pretty profound. This is what has happened in our ranks that is so much bigger than how we dress or what we eat, but the pervasive critical spirit that seems to always be present in groups of women. I can say this with the confession that I have been a part of the problem more often than the solution.

More from Romans 14 -
v13-14. Forget about deciding what's right for each other. Here's what you need to be concerned about: that you don't get in the way of someone else, making life more difficult than it already is. I'm convinced - Jesus convinced me! - that everything as it is in itself is holy. We, or course by the way we treat it or talk about it can contaminate it.

Think about this in terms of how we treat sexual behavior. My friend Dena could tell you that while Christians should have the most healthy sex lives, we have often allowed something God made to be holy and pure and for the edification of our marriages be contaminated by culture, and even our churches. It has been perverted.

Even more from Romans 14 -
v15. If you confuse others by making a big issue over what they eat or don't eat, (Julie's insertion: or what they wear or don't wear), you're no longer a companion with them in love, are you? These, remember are persons for whom Christ died.

The survey that was sent out asked more questions about sleeve length, striped or not striped shirts, if open toed shoes should be permitted, or whether or not socks should match the clothing or could they be any color. It still missed the mark. The atmosphere of placing judgment on one another is only being strengthened by these things. I am learning through this about my own judgments - not so loud-mouthed or belligerent as they maybe were before but just lingering quietly in my spirit, in my heart as I interact with others.
Father put this to rest in me. Let me be a companion in love to all.

Need to Breathe

All that has transpired has made the last week or so seem like a year....or maybe two. On top of it all, the weather has turned humid, getting heavier and heavier with our AC broken (it needs recharged - and hopefully only that), and I have been wheezing and struggling to breathe. I was waking up every night coughing my head off and needing my inhaler. I haven't had an asthma attack this bad since I was a child. So I think lack of sleep and lack of oxygen might be contributing to the ability to think clearly.
Last night, I was telling Travis about how hard it has been for me to breathe lately. He was listening. Really listening, kinda like he cared. He has a window unit in his back room. He started asking me if I wanted him to put it in our bathroom window, saying we could close the bedroom door and it would keep that one room in the house cool enough.
Usually he finds anything like this an imposition. Giving up comfort for the room he has chosen to live in the year and a half since we moved into this house, refusing to engage and to the complete neglect of his family (which he hasn't entered in 3 days) is a huge personal sacrifice. I can see something in him has broken. Whether this is permanent or temporary remains to be seen. I am just ready to get off of the ferris wheel - and at the first sign of temporary I will be jumping - even from the tippee top.

It seems a simple thing but it made me cry, the air conditioner, and how it must seem so natural for others to have their most basic needs so easily met - like the need to breathe. I realize in a deep way that I am not accustomed to having anybody take care of me, at all. I am tired of being the one sitting on the sidelines wondering what it feels like to join in the dance, to be swept up in love, to be nurtured and cared for. Emotionally I have felt like the dirty little girl with the ripped dress and no shoes for so many years.

Eye'm Keeping Him!

Let's just say that I am not cut out to be a person with one eye, and will never underestimate the importance of sight, ever again. Today I had to go and buy a black eye patch which I could not wear. Call it pride or whatever you want, I just could not do it. The enthusiasm displayed by the teenage boys at rehearsal this afternoon made me feel completely justified in my decision to forgo aforementioned black patch. But by the end of the day, my eye was thoroughly irritated. No amount of ointment eased the pain, so I have been taking it easy on the computer today, but also know now that I have to have something on my eye for the long day at co-op tomorrow. I bought some "eye" shaped bandages and was lamenting how difficult it is to only have the use of one eye, and how much I hate having a bandage over it (I would not claim to ever be a silent martyr before my children!) and Kullen said he wanted to wear one too so I wouldn't feel so bad. Isn't he the sweetest boy? His attitude took something miserable and turned it into something so sweet. I love this boy!
I am sure that everyone is quite sick of posts about my eye dilemma - and I can promise you that there are other posts that have been writing themselves in my head. I will get back to them shortly. I know that it is just my eye, but it seems to have interfered with my ability to think. What is that about?

Flaming Hoops

Note to self: change ringer on your cell phone alarm clock so that it is distinctive from husband's special ring tone
My husband tried several times to call this morning on his way to work to tell me he loved me and wish me a Happy Valentine's day. He said he was sorry he forgot to leave a note. I reminded him that there were no more flaming hoops to jump through here - but evidently I was wrong. You have to call two or three times and have your wife continue to hang up on you thinking you're the alarm clock and she's hitting the snooze button.

Alisha and Nolan

I haven't scrapbooked in forever. That is the nice thing with the digital scrapbooking. I can get inspired to make a page and just make one. I don't have to hunt for hours for the right stuff - or dig it all out just to put it away at dinnertime when we need to use the table. I can just open up a program and some pictures and some other stuff, and be inspired!
My inspiration came from an email after a recent reunion with my sister. She was telling me all about her 9 yo. son and then said she was still "getting to know" her 4 month old baby. I thought that was precious. It went along the lines of the Charlotte Mason philosophy that children are "born persons" that I have embraced with my whole heart. I just loved it. Then I heard this quote by Max Lucado which also enveloped this thought - it was perfect for word art for this page. I just popped all those pieces together and made this page that will always be special.
Just a little something special for my sister at Christmas. I am so thankful that you found me! I love you girl.
I have another inspiration - but no time. I'll share that page when it is finished as well.
If you like the word art on this page and would like me to send it to you - please email me at julientexas AT sbcglobal DOT net - I'm happy to share! Good words should be repeated.

Come Out Come Out Wherever You Are

Hey! It has been a really hard week, and I think I am just needing a little comment-love. I have posted and posted throughout the week and nary a comment received. When I check my stats it appears that I get between 75-100 visits every day. If you are reading this - or anything I have posted recently, would you please take just a wee little second and leave me a comment. It would mean so much! You too lurkers - even if you never comment, just give me a shout out and tell me where you are reading from or how you found me, or any little tidbit.
Some of you who are my dear friends tell me all the time "I read your blog" - but don't be a voyeuristic friend - let me know you're here! Don't make me beg!

Eat the Meat and Spit out the Bones

I saw this post on my friend Sheryl's blog and it got me thinking about our tendencies to discredit a person - famous or not - because of one thing that they say or do. I had a friend tell me years ago that the truth is the truth even if a liar speaks it - and I have tried to filter what I hear or read through that thinking ever since. Sometimes the deepest, most profound truths can come from the most unlikely sources.
I personally find Oprah and Dr. Phil a bit new-agey, self-helpish. It doesn't mean that I am never interested in what they have to say or find helpful information. I take what I feel is useful - and discard what is not. It is like eating meat and spitting out the bones. A lot of people discard things that are said by children or teens -as if they have nothing to offer us. My take on it is this - if we are all created in the image of God - no matter what particular bend our marring by sin may take - we all have something to offer each other.
I haven't watched Oprah in many, many years, and I have never watched Dr. Phil - but I have had occasion to see an interview or humanitarian story, etc. When I do hear them, I take what is useful and reject what is not, or what I know to be untrue. Sometimes you'll hear someone say something like "the power in you" or speak of a "higher power" - and while they are not naming the power - I know that it is God, even if they do not yet.
I see so many people around me being so anti-this and anti-that - when what we need to do is stand for truth, grace and mercy. I think of Jesus, and his response to the woman at the well. I always picture Him from her eyes, at His feet looking up - and I feel so grateful that He didn't go and discredit her to the community. He spoke truth, He showed love, and He went on His way, allowing God to continue the work His words of truth began.

The Best Part of Homeschooling

There are a lot of things I like about keeping my kids at home - but I would have to say that the absolute best part is relationships. I got out of the shower this morning and came down the hallway to find the above scene....three siblings all snuggled up in one bed, talking and laughing, and squealing because somebody allegedly put a cold foot on somebody else. The moments like this when I know we gave our kids the best opportunity to build family are the times when you know every pinched penny, late night, odd jobs, etc. were all worth it. They've always done this, as you'll note from the picture at the bottom of this post - but I never thought they'd still be doing it at 16, 14, and 10. I am so happy that they still love to snuggle with each other!

Don't Break a Mother's Heart

To have children, it is said is akin to knowing what it is like to have one's heart walking around outside of one's body. It is a strange sensation indeed. I am the mother to three children. In secret the Lord knit them in my womb. But they are not mine. They are His. And yet for some reason, the ties that bind me to these precious ones are elastic, and only stretch so far before snapping them back safely into my arms. The one thing that most threatens this elasticity is the love of another. God intended it to be so. There have been casual interests here and there, but nothing serious. Recently one child's eyes have begun to sparkle. She tells me that it is pretty casual interest right now, but knowing how much she is like her mother, I know she never does anything with her heart half in it. I know he loves the Lord and for that I am thankful. What I wish I could make him know is how precious she is to me, and to understand in the depth of his being, as Gracie Hart best said in Miss Congeniality:

And if anyone, anyone tries to hurt one of my new friends (insert word daughter here) , I would take them out ...

Y'all thought I was gonna get all spiritual, didn'tcha?

It appears they already have a "date" to go to the prom in April 2008 - should I be worried?