It's the Little Things

Tonight I arrived home from work to a husband standing at the top of the stairs with my favorite Tequila Sunrise in hand.  The house smelled of the Italian chicken and pasta he had made for dinner.  On the table, a salad with a side of chopped mushrooms just for my bowl, since I am the only one who likes them.  During the day, he ran to town to take the comforter from our bed to the laundromat.  I have never been spoiled in my life.  I have seldom even know what it was like to have someone that not only didn't need me to take care of them, but invested their time and energy into making me happy and making my day just a little easier. In the few months that he entered my life, Gary has shown me more love and companionship than I have ever known.  I can still remember what it was like to be alone in the world, struggling.  I hope I never forget so that I always appreciate this gift given so freely, daily of his love.

Blog Privacy and an Update

My blog is going underground for a while. I would love to share it with people who make it known that they want to read it - so if you are interested in being listed as an approved reader, please send me your email address at julsnwv AT gmail DOT com to be added to the list. Thanks for understanding for now.
I started a new job at Walmart today and have some promising prospects for an even better administrative assistant position with a reputable organization that is extremely homeschool friendly. Please pray that I would have favor here. The position is right up my alley, and has "generous benefits". The kids and I have also found a house to rent from a family we used to go to church with years ago. The rent is perfect, as is the location. A house in my Blue Ridge Moutains. My favorite part.... a washer and dryer! Ha.
Life goes on. I realized today for the first time in many weeks that I felt "happy". Even though we aren't moved in or settled anywhere yet, I feel like life is finally going in a positive direction. I am so utterly thankful. I feel sad for Travis and we still have a lot of conflict to iron out. I don't know what will become of it. I am trying to let my behavior honor the person that I want to be and my Papa. It is a work in progress.
(If you read this blog as a "note" on Facebook, I don't think that anything will change! We'll have to see.)

Picking Scabs

My friend is here visiting - she actually came here to escape. It is so difficult to watch the hurt she is going through at the disintegration of her marriage. The pain she is experiencing is palpable. I wish I knew what to do to help her.
One thing that has been difficult on my end is that I went through a similar situation from the perspective of a child. My dad left and while it crippled me emotionally in ways that I still experience today, I am living proof that you can rise above. I have to be there for my friend, even if it hurts, and even if it means picking off scabs.
This whole thing has hit her as unexpectedly as a flying train. Earlier today she told me that she didn't feel like a Christian. I can testify to Papa's love. You either are a Christian or you aren't. It isn't based on how we feel. We aren't 72% Christian today and 28% non-Christian. This is one of the biggest lies. In our infirmities, in our failures, in our shortcomings, and yes, even being mad as hell - we are still His, written on the palm of His hands and no less so when we struggle with the rawest emotions. It does not make us any less so to be human and feel such things.
Tonight has been particularly hard for her. Tomorrow is a new day - and if necessary, I will pick the scab off of another wound to share in her suffering.

Teaching Me About Romance

This evening, all three kids are off sleeping over with friends. Good for them. When I got home, Travis and I decided to watch a movie. At one point, the lead female character is sitting slightly behind the male lead, and she reaches out to touch the back of his neck but stops short. My husband says, "Don't do it. Don't you dare do it." (He always talks to the TV - we just ignore him - or at least we try.)
I asked him, "Why not?"
He lurches into this long dissertation about if the woman touches him, then he'll know she loves him. He gets up to go to the kitchen to get a glass of water ranting, "I always have to teach you about romance!"
I nearly bust a gut laughing!

The Good Earth

A couple of weeks ago, I told my husband that I really wanted to put a garden in this year. I put one in last year, and then shortly after I started getting plants, I promptly took off for three weeks to (almost heaven) West Virginia. When I got home, the weeds were bigger than the plants. We had quite a few fried green tomato feasts, zucchini and squash, and evidently our neighbor had his fair share of watermelon that I never even knew produced (ugh!) - but it was too much for me alone. Travis consented, so this is what we did together on Mother's Day -
We planted 3 rows of corn, 2 types of lettuce, broccoli, peas, beans, tomatoes here and squash and zucchini and cucumbers on mounds that are not in this picture. I also plan on planting some melons on some other mounds in the back yard. While I don't particularly like the weeds, or bugs, or the back-breaking labor of having a garden, or enduring the heat and sun, I would enjoy defraying some of my projected grocery bill for the summer. I also think there is a lot of value for Travis and I to work together, our hands in the dirt and participate in the process of nurturing life from the ground. There is an organic, back to the basics, Adam and Eve-ness to it all, 'cept we was wearing clothes - mainly for the sake of the neighbors.
This is a late start around here. There are people in our area that already have mature gardens that are producing, and we just put seeds in the ground. No matter - with the long growing season we should have plenty of yield. I am not sure that is the point of this garden anyway.

Expectations

Here is a short discourse on the number of expectations leveled on me from the start of the morning every single day - where's the clean towels? what is there to eat? is there fresh coffee made? are you going to make breakfast? what are we doing today? are we going anywhere? can I...(fill in the blank)? will you do me a favor - followed by whatever you can imagine. And so on and so on and so on.
When I try to push back and get others to assist me with the division of household responsibilities - I get very little in response. In fact, I get disdain for my presence because I have expectations of them - but they are the majority and I am one.
My husband got up this morning - and after years of this has not figured out why it isn't funny to me. I have my arms in soapy water up to my elbows and am trying to clean out the refrigerator, and wash dishes. He wanders in and says, "Where's breakfast? I thought with all the beating and banging in here you surely would've cooked something." Then he tries to turn it all around on me while I am fuming and make it look like he was just joking and I'm crazy, even though I've attempted since 1988 to establish that I did not find this remotely funny first thing in the morning.
Sorry - hardcore blogging here - this is the reality of my life.
Then he grabs poptarts and says, "I'll just scrounge like I do every morning." (wouldn't you say the fact that there are poptarts in the cabinet means that someone isn't left to scrounge????) And then a few minutes later, "Can you I at least get me a cup of coffee?"
This is a man who has not noticed that I have been struggling just to maintain anything in the last week or so. I actually spoke the words to him last night - I.am.depressed. I know he doesn't notice, but articulating it to him only increases the frustration as absolutely nothing will change in what he expects of me, nor will he lend a hand to make sure I don't get buried. He only notices the shortcomings and failures in a critical sense.

I don't understand that while he gets up every single morning of his life and is afforded the luxury of thinking of only himself - what he'll eat, what he'll wear, what he'll do - why I have to make the world the way he and the kids want it? He goes to work most days - but everything else - literally every single flipping thing falls to me.
Why do I have to be the Proverbs 31 woman and he gets to be Archie freakin' Bunker??????
I don't understand why I am expected to be Martha Stewart, Pamela Anderson, (I am not even close to either!) a doctor, physician, a gourmet cook, lawyer, accountant, etc. etc. etc. all rolled into one. The expectations are growing every day, and I am crumbling under them.
I am about to make a run for the hills - the Blue Ridge Mountains that is, and I'll probably never come back. It isn't Texas, it's my life. I tried to get away by coming here, and it just followed me. I left the wrong things in the dust.

A Full Plate

Right now my bed is piled a mile high with laundry. I put it there so that I will have to deal with it before bed - but at the moment I am contemplating throwing it to the floor. I know that my busy-ness has become a repetitive theme of late - but man! I have been sewing most of the day and still not halfway through with one dress. My neighbor Debra came over and helped me get started because no matter how many times I read the pattern, I was feeling a bit dyslexic about it. You know how they say two heads are better than one - if you figure me into that right now you might only actually have one including Debra. I have been sewing and cooking and stressing about the reading I am supposed to be doing but am not. I feel so overwhelmed. I have got to figure out how on earth I am going to get everything done. I keep thinking "just do the next thing" but I don't know what to do next. Yikes. Somebody come to Texas, make me some coffee and stay up all night with me while I sew. I was thinking earlier, as I often do when I'm stressed, what is the fewest hours of sleep I can get and still function, which is always extremely healthy. Oh and my sweetheart just called on his way home to remind me I am supposed to cut his hair TONIGHT. Oh yeah, that. Did I also mention that it is the most horrible week of the month? Yep - that too. I need some chocolate and some wine right now!

Valentines Schmalentines - Take Two

Okay so let me first wish all my cyber-friends a happy Valentine's Day. I have already posted my mushy-gushy thoughts about the holiday here last year, so I won't belabor the issue. I did make this little token of my affection for my husband for a little "newsletter" we did at our co-op where people could buy ads to send to their loved ones. I thought I would share it here to let you know I am as sentimental as the next girl. I showed it to him today and he loved it.

Better than that, my husband had half of a day off because he had to go to the doctor for blood work, and he called me on his way there and asked if he could take me out to eat this afternoon since he wouldn't see me on Valentine's Day. I am telling you the God's honest truth, when it really really mattered to me, when I braced myself for utter disappointment and had anxiety over whether or not he would remember - he could let the day come and go with nary a word. The fact that he cared and wanted to do something special with me was terrific. We went to the new restaurant in town where Kendra works for a nice lunch. We asked for her to be our waitress, and so they sat us in the only table available - a table for six - at lunchtime - in a crowded restaurant. We felt selfish, so we told the hostess she could sit the older couple that we had been chatting with at our table, if they wanted. They did and it was awesome. We enjoyed the company and conversation immensely. It was a very nice time. I am learning that letting go is so much better, cause the truth is I can't make it happen my way anyway!

I Don't Know HOW He Does It

This morning, I woke up and saw that Travis was gone - again. After working 12 hour days all week, he is also going to work today and tomorrow and never miss a beat before starting over again on Monday. After all the layoffs through Thanksgiving and Christmastime, he is glad to have the work to help us catch up. I did the math the other day - he will be working an 84 HOUR work week. He leaves between 5:30 - 6 in the morning and gets home around 9 at night. He is so tired. I am practically putting food in his hands as he passes by on his way to bed. I have been packing him some extra good lunches, making sure he has an extra sandwich and snacks for the long day, keeping on top of his laundry and laying out clothes and a clean towel for his shower, as well as making sure that the coffee pot is set to go so he has fresh, hot coffee in the morning. This morning I woke to a note that said, "Thanks for taking such good care of me while I am working these long hours. I couldn't do it without you." A little appreciation goes a long way - I love that guy.

Overheard by the Christmas Tree

Kendra and Kaitlyn were dismayed because they could not get the Christmas tree lights on. They communicated this to their dad by saying, "Dad, help us turn on the tree." My ever comedic and witty husband sauntered up to the Christmas tree and said:

"Hey tree, you like me bay-beh?"

What strange things are happening this holiday at your house???????

Words of Affirmation

Last night I was blessed to be able to host a homeschool support group meeting for some really precious women. We have been slowly coming together - some new to the area, some new to homeschooling - and it has been really neat to see how we have been put together to become a group to support and encourage one another. My husband has seen my longing over the last year for a group like this to come together. My friend, Melody started a yahoo group earlier this year that was the catalyst for this meeting. It all went very well.
This morning I woke to this note - scrawled on a green napkin from my hubby. It means so much to me that he is proud of me - and his words are so sweet. I know that it has not been me but the Lord who has put us there for one another, but I will feel like I am floating all day because of this note from my husband!

The Handy Hubby Strikes Again

My oven broke down a couple of weeks ago, so assuming our element went out, we purchased a new one. When that got here my husband realized it wasn't as simple as that - and that something in the main computer of the oven had broken down. He said he could bypass the "computer" part of it and set it up to work manually with a switch. I gave him a no confidence vote about this idea - but when I came home a few days later after lamenting about baking bread at the neighbor's house (geesh I'm so spoiled sometimes!) he had put this switch on the side of my oven. I hated the way it looks - but it does the job. It isn't really noticeable - but it will definitely - like all things my husband does - be a conversation piece. This man would put McGyver to shame! Thank you honey!

I Married Mr. Improvise

My husband has always been the best at improvising. Sometimes this means that things are held together with JB weld or duct tape, but no matter what our circumstances, he generally always finds a way to make do with what we have. There have been very few times that he has tackled a problem and given up without a solution. Even at work, he is known for his superior troubleshooting abilities.
Yesterday, when we were visiting his mom, he went to get some tools out of my van, and with his Bam-Bam like strength, he broke the handle on the rear door. This is a major issue, because that is access to all our cargo space. It makes co-op days, grocery shopping, and all kinds of things much more difficult. This morning, he set to work on it and an hour or so later, he called me out to show me what he came up with - - - the handle is broken - and cannot be fixed, but he improvised and put this little washer attached to a cord that dangles under the license plate to release the latch, so I can open it from the outside. Yep, it looks weird, and is a little unorthodox, but it completely does the job.
I wish that I had been writing down all the things through the years he's done like this. He always amazes me. I'll post a picture here later if blogger lets me - it is not letting me right now.

You MADE the Party

Geesh - we have been so dang busy that my poor little blog has been so neglected. We have had co-ops and labs and helping kids who are studying the cellular kingdoms of bacteria and such in biology, and reading books about the Aztecs, reading and critiquing essays (on request), keeping neighbors blood-thirsty dogs away from my cats and doctor's appointments with my hubby who acts like a big two year old and likes to open drawers and get into things while we're confined in the itty-bitty exam room. To think that just a few short weeks ago - we had virtually nothing on our plates, and now we're spinning like a top.
Last night, the girls were invited to a surprise birthday party that took place at this really hip little eatery called Jason's Deli. I tried to talk them out of it, but there was no way. They had a great time, and I sat with my friend Melody and had adult conversation, and ate something called a Muffelatta which has ham, hard salami, provolone and some sort of an olive dressing, on grilled bread. Yummy. After the party the kids went bowling until late-thirty. When we were about to leave, the birthday girl's mom thanked us for coming and when we thanked her for inviting us, she said in the sweetest southern accent, "Well, you MADE the party." Imagine that! Somebody likes us. Wonders never cease. I am going to stop telling myself it's just because they don't know us yet. We are a bit of an acquired taste.

Be It Ever So Humble, There's No Place Like Home

Ah, nothing makes you appreciate home like going away. I have traveled more times this past year than ever in my entire life, and I have put this theory to the test. No matter how lovely your hosts, how well you are fed, or how beautiful your surroundings, there is nothing like your own bed, and your own home. Even the smell of the house when we walked in was more than just a smell, it was like breathing air again! And regardless of which state this house is in - our family has made this place a home - teeming with laughter, conversation, sometimes tears, and excessive family life!
We had a fantastic time while we were visiting with my sister-in-law, and enjoyed the baby shower for my niece immensely, but I was ready to be home. My hubby was ready for us to be home too. I was so excited because the house looked better than ever after I've been absent for a while, and we made up for four days of kisses and hugs! I am not sure why I missed him so much more this time than usual, but I think God is doing something very special between us.
Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home!

The Hero and the Ogre

I knew we weren't going to go visiting new churches today. The "down" weekend has been great. It has been so good to be home, and in case I have never said it before I...love....my....house. It makes me truly happy to be back in Texas, second only to Travis. The weather has been a dream, and I was shocked to find that the seeds I planted before I left are now huge-mongous plants.
This morning we listened to a televised sermon and found a church we will visit next weekend. It was pretty cool - I had listened to the guy online and just knew Travis would love him - and I was right. After that, we went outside and did some yard work. Once again, I had a little lesson in humility. I was bent over in the sunshine above and the dirt below of my weedy little garden patch, and getting more and more frustrated by the minute that Travis was not helping me. He did pound some stakes in for the tomato plants (untraditional stakes at that: all-thread, pvc pipe and any other thing he could pound in the ground that would hold the weight of the plants - my improvising genius spouse!) but then he went in to his computer. Little did I know, he was working on putting together a computer for me (an old laptop with a broken screen attached to his flat screen monitor), so I can keep up with things until my new hard drive arrives.
Geesh! Sometimes I hate myself. Why am I always so quick to assume the worst? I am so thankful that he did not respond to my frustration in anger, but that his peacekeeping attitude made all the difference. I sure can be an ogre at times.
Speaking of ogre - - - has anybody seen Shrek the 3rd? I hope we can go see it sometime this week! When you see the green guy - think of me!

Lowered Expectations and Joy

I was reading this post at Halfmoon Girl's blog - and after years of feeling much the same way she is right now, and knowing how many other women may be caught in this same trap, I just had to respond.
Let me explain this - my first child was born on April 5th - my first Mother's Day was about 6 weeks later. I waited all day long in eager expectation and nothing happened. The next morning I burst into tears and told my husband that he forgot Mother's Day - to which he replied "You're not my mother!" It took a while to help him understand why this was flawed thinking.
Anyway, long story short - it has taken almost 20 years to realize that my husband is not a good gift-giver. I honestly don't want another cake candle (something he realized I liked and then bought for every occasion for a few years until I said "uncle"). He has been miserable around every holiday because there is this expectation to meet that he will fail at. I got to thinking about it last year and wondered where this "expectation" came from. The man tells me in other ways that he appreciates me. Honestly how special is it when these things are done out of obligation on the same day that every other husband does? My hubby tells me what a good mom I am at other times - I don't need anyone else dictating a special day for him to do so. And while he isn't good at gift giving, he is my hero, provider and protector in many other ways. Why was I allowing these man-made, (and excuse the rambling ahead of time) commercialized holidays that are orchestrated to financially benefit the greeting card companies, florists, etc. dictate whether or not I feel loved.
Last year, I decided to liberate my husband - and myself from this vicious cycle of his impotency to please me and my chronic disappointment. This past Christmas I told him I knew what I wanted and if he didn't mind, I would get it for myself. The man was scratching his head thinking, "no shopping? there's gotta be a catch." I told him I would not throw it up in his face that I "got my own gift" (I knew I wanted windchimes - which by the way I didn't find until April!) nor would I be mopey or sad on Christmas. This was a win-win situation for both of us. And guess what? I had the best Christmas ever. I did the same with my birthday in February. I bought some birdfeeders that I wanted for my front porch. It was awesome. On Saturday we were talking on the phone and I was reminding the hubby-man to call his mother on Mother's Day - and he said, "Well I'm gonna call you too and wish you Happy Mother's Day." I said, "Aw, man you ruined the surprise!" We both had a laugh.
Now let me tell you, I grew up the daughter of the president of the He-woman Man-Hater's Club. I remember holidays where my mother was threatening her husband weeks before that she had better have thus-and-such ring, or the so-and-so item that she wanted - OR ELSE! It was so ugly that I determined never to be that kind of wife. My mother would be certain that my husband, who didn't succumb to such torture, didn't love me. I choose to submit these thoughts to Christ - and remember that my goal here is to think of others more highly than myself. Instead of expecting a "gift" or special treatment, I give it to my husband now - and I can tell you - it is a delight to my heart.
What is a gift bought in obligation? Now if he buys me a gift, it is because he wants to, and it comes straight from his heart. It is not purchased or pursued out of some twisted obligation that he must fill to keep me from being mad at him. (His interpretation of my disappointment.)
I hope I have helped someone else suffering from "holiday torture". Free your husband and yourself. Choose to see expressions of love all around you that don't come in ribboned boxes. Reject the commercialistic ploys that Satan would use to erode your relationship with your spouse.
PS - If you happen to frequent blogs where the author may be prone to gushing about what HER hubby got her for Mother's Day - just skip it today!

Sappy Snapshot

I thought I would paint a picture of our family with words, and let you get a little peek how through intense dysfunction, two people who met 19 years ago and set out in the most bass-ackwards way to make a family together, and who battled the statistics and opinions that said we would never make it - have succeeded in binding five hearts together that truly love one another. My daughters often go to bed shortly after I do - since they are teenagers, they like to read, have their quiet time at night, wash their faces, etc. My only rule is that they do not wake the rest of us. Lately I have seen a trend develop, as they leave little notes of encouragement to their daddy who they know will be up first, and they won't see until he returns home from work at the end of the next day. Yesterday being Kendra's birthday we went shopping, and as we found some good sales, we also got some spring clothes for Kaitlyn. This morning I came out to the most precious notes that said this:

Kendra: I love you, Dad! Have a good day at work - we'll be praying for you.
Kaitlyn: I love you too Dad! Thanks for providing for us.

Travis wrote a note back to them that said this:
I love you too. I love providing for you. Tell Kullen I love him too. I love you Julie.

I know it is sappy -but we all really do love each other, and we love the Lord. Now, despite the odds stacked against us, isn't this the greatest success story of them all?

Long Day - Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah Life Goes On

I know it is very unlike me to have so little to say - but I am just bordering on a mental coma right now. I had to take my car to the dealership to have it looked at and it turns out that what we were worried was a major deal turned out to be that my tires just needed balanced. So $39.99 all said and done - not bad. Making a big trip at the end of the month to WV - so it definitely needed to be all checked out.
And just in case you are wondering, I got an email today sharing this secret recipe with me! Aren't you so jealous! I'll never share fatty's secret - never - never. (Maybe if you share something better with me we can make an arrangement!)
And just in case I gave you the impression this past week that my husband is Mr. Charming - let me just tell you that last night the man made hysterical fun of me for posting on my blog about WHERE to put the trampoline. I explained to the prince that if I had made any real-life, living and breathing, come-on-over-and -tell-me-what-you-think- about- where-I-put-my- trampoline friends, I might NOT have to blog about it! (Just between you and me - I would anyway - but we'll make him suffer guilt a bit longer - dragging me all the way out here and then making fun of me for having cyber buddies that I share it all with! Hmpf!)
I hope that everyone is visiting the Quirky Quote Qontest Voting Poll daily to cast at least two votes for your favorite quotes. There are only 3 days left to make your opinions known.
I went to Dollar General earlier this evening and started having a very bad episode of some sort of rapid heartbeat - my pulse was racing and I feel very shaky so I better just say goodnight. Nighty night y'all. Hope I am back to myself tomorrow - I hate feeling this way.

Rambly Scattered Thoughts

I have a random stream of thoughts tonight but I'll do my best to make it slightly coherent.
First I would like to know what the deal is with having zits AND gray hair (just a few but still!) AND cellulite AND the beginning stages of wrinkles. My skin isn't wrinkled just yet - but it is wrinkle-ish - meaning my skin texture around my eyes is changing! This seems cruel and unfair.
Second, my husband took me to see the movie "Premonition" tonight where a woman has a recurrent dream that her husband dies. A little "Groundhog Day-ish", but interesting none-the-less. Sandra Bullock, my favorite female actress, was in it so you know you couldn't go wrong. My hubby earned big points without meaning to by saying she reminded him of me in some ways. (I did not ask him to elaborate - that was good enough for me! I kept thinking - her butt is half my size and she looks cute no matter what! I didn't see the direct link.) It was also ironic to realize that we went to get out without our kids and ended up sitting next to a HUGE group of teenagers. They did pretty well - but my hubby pointed out how different they were from our kids. It is good when dad notices that what we have done, and the sacrifices he personally has made for our kids makes a difference.
Last but not least, the cashier at Walmart today told me today was her lucky day. She won $500 in some sort of scratch-off lottery thingy. I realized how much I had grown as a Christian. There was a time when I would have judged her for "gambling" and today I was able to say,"How exciting!" and actually mean it. My standards mean nothing to her. This may not make sense in the sleep deprived state of stupor in which I am writing it - but we cannot reach people with Jesus by hitting them over the head with a frying pan. I plan to get in her line every chance I get - and make friends. Maybe then Jesus will come out in the precious way He showed Himself to me - with arms wide open. Jesus cannot use me to do that, be a living illustration when I fold my arms across my chest (and my panties are in a wad)!
Good night peoples. You were lovely. Great audience. Thank you so much for making it to the end! Hee hee.