Hollow

This morning I feel like one of those hollow chocolate bunnies, the kind you get for Easter. The heat has turned up, as we get closer to the day when I pull away from my home and marriage with my three kids in a moving van to let it all fall apart, it is causing this feeling that I might dissolve, cave in on myself. I am so very sad this morning.
I need a friend. Not a phone call or an email, but flesh and blood to just sit with me in this pain - the way Dwayne reminded me Job's friends did after they ran out of answers.
There is a deep ache. I have this sense of wanting everything to go "back to normal" and yet I can't find a marker in time where that ever existed for us. It was always me, trudging along, trying to appear as if we were like everyone else. Now I find I wasn't even able to fool myself. I have reached the end of my strength, my resolve. Boxes are everywhere - tidy packages of the pieces of my life - a life I no longer know how to go on with.
The desperation threatens to overtake me. I never wanted this. I don't want it now. I want him to be the hero, to come crashing in to save us from this worst moment in our lives together.

Chocolate Cinnamon Biscotti

I made this little treat this morning for our breakfast - we have been trying to break away from muffins and have scones and biscotti and other goodies for a change. Kullen didn't like these too much because they're pretty hard - but the girls and I loved them.
Before the recipe police start sending out violation notices, I will share:

Chocolate Cinnamon Biscotti

1 pkg. plain German chocolate cake mix
8 Tbsp. (1 stick) melted butter
2 large eggs
1 cup all purpose flour
1/2 cup finely chopped nuts (we skipped these)
1/4 cup semi sweet chocolate chips
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon (you could take it or leave it - we liked it)
Preheat oven to 350. Line baking sheet with parchment paper or waxed paper and set aside. Mix cake mix, butter, eggs, flour nuts, chocolate chips and cinnamon together on low until well blended, 3-4 minutes. The dough will be thick and form a ball. Transfer it to prepared baking sheet and shape into a rectangle about 14 x 4 and 1/2 inch thick. Bake the biscotti rectangle 30-35 minutes. Remove the baking sheet and let biscotti cool for 10 minutes. Leave the oven ON. After the cooling period, use a sharp, serated knife to cut the rectangle on the diagonal into 1 inch thick slices. Carefully turn these slices onto their sides, using the slicing knife to arrange them on the same baking sheet. Return the baking sheet to the oven. Bake the biscotti for 10 minutes longer, then turn the oven off. Let biscotti remain in the oven until they are crisp - approximately 30-40 minutes longer. Remove the baking sheet and transfer biscotti to a cooling rack. Allow them to cool completely, 2 hours.
Store biscotti in an airtight container at room temperature for up to several weeks.
We also had some great success making some beautiful Chocolate Peppermint Biscotti from scratch around the holidays. I am sure to try making biscotti more often. It is the perfect thing with that first cup of coffee in the morning.

The Milk Nazi and Tunnel of Fudge Recipe

Yesterday for Kaitlyn's birthday we had a lot of chocolate. I made chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. Of course, somebody in the house had downed the last bit of milk the night before. That put a damper on the pancakes and later the chocolate cake. (This is one of those expectation things I was talking about in the last post that I should have somehow anticipated the ravenous milk consumption, knowing we were going to have these pancakes and a chocolate cake later and purchased extra milk. I failed.) In our small town, there are two convenience stores and a Dollar General that only sell the hormone laden, antibiotic riddled milk - and I.won't.buy.it. Not only won't I buy it but if I do - after learning what is going on with it, nobody here will drink it. In order to save the day, I would have had to drive to the next nearest town - but my tank was on empty. So a $10-12 in the gas tank plus $5-6 in fluctuating costs for the "mid-grade" milk we buy (no hormones/antibiotics but not organic) = almost $20 for a gallon of milk. We had to do without it, even on a birthday. But this means that I am going to be patrolling the kitchen watching for those who drink vast quantities of milk, and having to ask them to please consider others. I nary get a glass of milk or a bowl of cereal in a week's time. I have never desired to police food, but this is what it has come to folks. We have been doing all sorts of things to try and conserve - I rode home this morning in the searing Texas inferno of 10 am without the AC on in the car! We have also asked the girls to wait up to an hour to come home from work because Travis drives right through that area on his way home from work about 4 pm - and they were calling me between 2:30 and 3:30 to pick them up. (I feel like a horrible parent for this - but it saves us a LOT of money in the course of a week because of the gas consumed.)
Now, only continue reading if you have milk in the house. I have been adequately reminded of Tami's rule that you don't post about food if you don't share the recipe. I posted about Kaitlyn's Tunnel of Fudge Birthday cake, and less than 24 hours passed before the recipe police were on my tail! This cake was really good. Kaitlyn does not like rich, overly sweet things, and she really enjoyed this cake that has more of a dark chocolately taste than the overly sweet birthday cake with an inch of buttercream frosting. Enjoy this recipe:

Quick Tunnel of Fudge Cake
from the Chocolate from the Cake Mix Doctor cookbook
A similar recipe won Ella Rita Helfrich a $5,000 prize in 1966 in the Pillsbury Bake-Off

Filling:
1 1/2 cups milk
1 pkg (3.4 ounces) chocolate fudge pudding and pie filling mix (not instant)
1 cup semisweet chcoolate chips
1 Tbsp. butter

Cake:
vegetable oil for misting the pan
flour for dusting the pan (Or you can use this - it works great!)
1 pkg. devil's food cake mix with pudding
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup sour cream
1/2 cup water
4 large eggs
1 tsp pure vanilla extract
2 cups finely chopped walnuts (I omitted these because the birthday girl does not like them)
1. Place the milk in a medium sized sauce pan and whisk in the pudding mix. Cook, stirring over medium heat until the mixture comes to a boil - 4-5 minutes. Remove the pan from the heat and stir in the chocolate chips and butter. Stir until the pudding is smooth and thickened and the chocolate has melted. Set the pan aside.
2. Place a rack in the center of the oven and preheat to 350. Lightly mist a 12-cup Bundt pan with vegetable oil spray, then dust with flour. Shake out the excess flour. Set the pan aside.
3. Place the cake mix, oil, sour cream, water, eggs, and vanilla in a large mixing bowl. Blend with an electric mixer on low speed for 1 minute. Stop the machine and scrape down the sides of the bowl with a rubber spatula. Increase the mixer speed to medium and beat 2 minutes more, scraping the sides down again if needed. The batter should look thick and well combined. Fold in the walnuts, making sure they are well distributed throughout the batter.
4. Reserve 2 cups of the batter. Pour the remaining batter into the prepared pan. Spoon the pudding filling in a ring on top of the batter, making sure it does not touch the sides of the pan. Spoon reserved batter over the filling, smoothing it out with the rubber spatula. Place the pan in the oven.
5. Bake the cake until it springs back when lightly pressed with your finger and is just starting to pull away from the sides of the pan, 45-50 minutes. Remove the pan from the oven and place it on a wire rack to cool for 20 minutes. Run a long, sharp knife around the edge of the cake and invert it onto a rack to cook completely, 20 minutes more.

You can drizzle this with chocolate icing if you wish. We sprinkled powdered sugar on ours and it was delicious.

Some Thoughts on Waking

Why does my ability to sleep always exceed the capacity of my bladder?
Why does chocolate never last long enough?
Why is the distance to a new roll of toilet paper just out of arms reach?
Why are the most profound thoughts I ever have so fleeting?
Why do we always have to learn the most painful lessons the hard way?
Why is it so helpful to read in the bathroom?
Why don't libraries forbid people to read public books in their bathrooms?
Why do I always have to wonder this while I'm reading a library book?

Okay so I was unable to sleep this morning because I needed to pee. I'm not sure where the chocolate one came in, I guess it's just always on my mind. (*insert Willie Nelson's voice here*)

A Full Plate

Right now my bed is piled a mile high with laundry. I put it there so that I will have to deal with it before bed - but at the moment I am contemplating throwing it to the floor. I know that my busy-ness has become a repetitive theme of late - but man! I have been sewing most of the day and still not halfway through with one dress. My neighbor Debra came over and helped me get started because no matter how many times I read the pattern, I was feeling a bit dyslexic about it. You know how they say two heads are better than one - if you figure me into that right now you might only actually have one including Debra. I have been sewing and cooking and stressing about the reading I am supposed to be doing but am not. I feel so overwhelmed. I have got to figure out how on earth I am going to get everything done. I keep thinking "just do the next thing" but I don't know what to do next. Yikes. Somebody come to Texas, make me some coffee and stay up all night with me while I sew. I was thinking earlier, as I often do when I'm stressed, what is the fewest hours of sleep I can get and still function, which is always extremely healthy. Oh and my sweetheart just called on his way home to remind me I am supposed to cut his hair TONIGHT. Oh yeah, that. Did I also mention that it is the most horrible week of the month? Yep - that too. I need some chocolate and some wine right now!

That Says it All

Well it is starting to feel like winter in east Texas! Just to be sure you don't think I've suddenly stopped complaining, let me clarify that it went straight from sticky, humid 80 degree weather to damp and freezing, skipping every single phase of potentially enjoyable weather in between. Ick. I had to run an errand this afternoon. Since I never know how to dress, I went out wearing capri pants, and froze my little (work with me here it is one of my smaller features) hiney off. I looked down at the cart - the contents of which were frozen pizzas, ice cream (with plenty of chocolate of course!) and Kotex. Does this not say it all???

Random Thoughts of a Late Night Blogger

I was thinking earlier that the busier and more full my life is the more I have to blog about - however, the less time I actually have for blogging! Isn't that just the way it is! Sheesh.
Also - Texas may hold hope for my weight loss efforts yet - as the southern accent does something indescribable to the word for my favorite frozen dairy confection - instead of saying "ice cream" it comes out sounding like a slang for Preparation H - say it out loud if your children aren't in the room "ais-craym". Sorry to be shocking - but this is really turning me off. I am sure I will be over it shortly!
Oh yeah - and um I almost kept this under wraps because I am totally hoping to win some of that yummy Canadian chocolate - but I figured that I should share it, because it's only right, and since my friend Fatty asked if there was chocolate involved if she voted for me at TopMomma - I figured if I at least pointed her in that direction, she may consider it! Head on over to Coffee Mom's blog and check out the awesome contest where you could win a chocolate bar.