Feeling Like a Failure

I have been sobbing on and off for the last hour. I am certain some of it is hormonal, but it doesn't make the things I am feeling any less legitimate. It may just effect the way I manage those feelings.
I feel like a failure.
My oldest child is going to have her last "childhood" Christmas with us, and I am going to scrape to be able to do anything for her.... I know I should be thankful that I can give her something - but I think about the day she was born and how I wanted to do well in life - for her sake. I wanted to give her so much more. Not materially - but a full life. I just wonder if she's had it.
The younger two are pining away for West Virginia - and the friends and good times they knew there. Cookie baking days, Christmas parties, making gingerbread houses, shopping trips, ornament making, hanging out with friends for long winter days while the moms Christmas shop together - - and I don't know when or if they'll ever have that again. I have tried to muster up the energy to plan some of those things here - but I am really struggling and can't seem to plan a thing.
The larger these feelings get the less functional I am and the worse I feel.
I feel like a spectator in the lives of others, from a distance with my friends in WV, and the one who just isn't in the inner circle of things here. And I feel so bad that even if someone invited me shopping, to a movie or over for cookies and egg nog - if I had the day off I wouldn't be good company.
I know there are worse things in the world - but this is swallowing me right now. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

What Christmas Character Are You?

I saw this on my friend, Donna's blog - seemed like fun. Which character are you? Be sure to come back and let me know -

Which Christmas Character Are You? Rudolph OK, so maybe you won't go down in history for having a glowing nose or being heckled by the reindeer gang (thank goodness), but like your Christmas counterpart, you're a good friend who'll stick with the people you love through thick and thin. Click Here to Take This Quiz

Quizzes and Personality Tests

Impromptu Christmas Eve Love

With about a jillion other things to do, on Christmas eve morning, I decided that all of my local friends and neighbors deserved a little lovin' from the oven. The idea was inspired by my friend Helen, who always made us iced cinnamon buns at Christmas time. I spent several hours making dough and filling and icing, and once warm plates were put together, loaded the kids up to make some deliveries. We only actually saw two families, but left the surprise for the rest in conspicuous spots to be found when the recipients returned home - hopefully that day and not a week later (that would definitely be a surprise - a plate of mold!). It was fun. We got phone calls and emails of thanks - but really - it was our pleasure!
The recipe was terrific. I got it from Marmee Dear's Bread Basket Cookbook. I know she won't mind if I share it here:

Marm's Cinnamon Buns

>Place the following ingredients in your mixer equipped with dough hook:
1 1/2 very warm water (110-120 degrees)
3 Tbsp dry milk powder
2 cups unbleached all purpose flour
2 Tbsp yeast
>Mix on a low speed until combined then add in:
3/4 cup sugar
2 tsp sea salt
3 eggs
3/4 cup oil
Unbleached, all purpose flour will be used in the next step.
Mix briefly then add, 1 cup at a time, approximately 6 more cups of unbleached all purpose flour. Add flour carefuly as the full 5 cups may not be needed. You want a soft, workable dough. Knead for 5 minutes on a medium speed. Turn dough out onto a lightly floured surface. Divide into 2 equal parts. Roll each part on the floured surface to a rectangle. Spread with soft butter and sprinkle generously with brown sugar and cinnamon. You may also cover cinnamon sugar mixture with chopped nuts and raisins if desired. Roll up tightly, beginning at wide side. Seal well by pinching edges together. Even up roll up by stretching slightly. Cut roll into 1 1/2 inch sections. (I do this with dental floss or sewing thread.) Place in greased baking pans, cut side up, with a small space between rolls. Use fingertips to even and flatten out rolls if they are uneven. Let rise until puffy. This should take about 45 minutes. Bake at 375 degrees for 25-30 minutes. Frost with icing while still warm.
ICING: Sift 2 cups confectioners sugar into a bowl and moisten with a little water or milk (I used half and half). Add a few drops of maple flavoring and stir until smooth. Drizzle over warm rolls. Decorate rolls with extra nuts if desired.

Cousins

This weekend while visiting with my husband's family, we managed to get an extra kid for the week. My nephew Austin came home with us. He is a fun and energetic boy who will be 17 on New Year's Day. We have been having a lot of fun with him. He starts the morning off with a bang by tromping into Kaitlyn's room and waking the girls up like a large puppy saying, "Play with me!" There have been people chasing each other around with spatulas, late night movies, and lots of laughs. This is one thing that makes me happy to be in Texas, is the chance for the kids to get to know their cousins - as strange as that may be. The picture to the left is Austin giving his cousin Kendra a "Merry Christmas" cuddle on Christmas morning. They aren't always so lovey-dovey - sometimes they love each other by hitting, bickering, stealing things and I won't say who but I believe there was an incident with someone farting on someone else's cell phone! (I won't mention any names.) Ah, the joy of cousins.

Overheard by the Christmas Tree

Kendra and Kaitlyn were dismayed because they could not get the Christmas tree lights on. They communicated this to their dad by saying, "Dad, help us turn on the tree." My ever comedic and witty husband sauntered up to the Christmas tree and said:

"Hey tree, you like me bay-beh?"

What strange things are happening this holiday at your house???????

PJ Pants

My neighbor Debra drug me out to Joann Fabrics on Black Friday and we took advantage of 99 cents a yard flannel. It was the only shopping we did. She likes to sew, and I had the optimistic idea of making pj pants for my kids for their Christmas Eve pajamas. With all the stuff going on at work, and the hustle bustle of activities during the holiday season, I was starting to wonder if I had bitten off more than I could chew. The high schoolers from co-op are having a Christmas party this Friday night, and the girls are having a sleepover afterwards, and one of my girls hinted that it might be nice if they had some holeless new pajamas to wear. I had bought two different fabrics for each of them, so I could make them a pair for now and another for Christmas. I worked all afternoon on an "easy" pattern. They turned out pretty cute. They're pretty happy with them, which I think is all that really matters. Kendra's pants (R) have a "New York" theme - city scape and Statue of Liberty. Kaitlyn's pants (L) have skulls and grungy prints on a pink back ground - Kendra says they are the perfect blend of "fancy"and "evil" just like Kaitlyn !! The flannel is a really nice quality and very soft. I hope they are made well to last them for a long time.

Christmas Spirit

There is something indeed magical about the snow - the hush as it falls to the ground, muffling the world around as if putting it to bed. But the next day, reality - the shoveling, the snow-blowing, the rocking motion of your car back and forth, back and forth as you try desperately to dislodge it from the frozen driveway, the extra layers of clothing. I am keeping day #2 of snow in mind as I grapple with my winter/Christmas sensory deprivation.
I have decided to embrace the differences in the Texas Christmas season. A big shift in my attitude came today at co-op. We went there early this morning, leaving around 7 am. It was hot and muggy. The humidity was so heavy that the papers I was carrying were damp when I got inside. Ugh. But by this afternoon, after the 4th & 5th grade Christmas party, I took the kids out to the playground while some other suckers moms cleaned up. It was beautiful. Everybody was wearing short sleeves. The temperatures were perfect. All day long I had received gifts from different kids. It was a nice day. Even though it didn't feel like "winter", I definitely felt the Christmas spirit warming my heart.

I Just Totally Stole a Great Idea

My friend Shasta added a very cool Christmas music player to her blog - and it only took me a few days - but I finally figured out how to do it! I used to always have music on my blog, and it made me so happy, but having to host it on a site and then embed it and all that jazz was just not worth it! Then not long ago my girls were using something called "project playlist" on their myspaces, which is pretty neat - but WAY too big to use on my sidebars here. So, this one was just about perfect, and cute too - I love the way you can see the graphic of the CD that is playing. I have loaded all Christmas music. It will autoplay but I kept it at the top of my page so those of you who would prefer to peruse in silence, can still do so. If you want to change the song (let's face it - some of them are obnoxious after a while) just click to the right side of the player and it will go to the next song. Some of these are auto-filled so I don't even know them. Others are here deliberately.
Thanks for the hat tip, Shasta babe, you're da bomb!
Feedback would be great - is the music good - or is it annoying to have to click off? Most of us are now reading using Bloglines or Google Reader anyway - so whaddya think?

Christmas Gifts

The kids and I went to the cheap theater last night before grocery shopping and saw "Fred Claus". I have to say, I don't get "starstruck" like some of my friends have - I missed the Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt frenzies - but funny guys really do it for me, in fact it is one of the attributes that was most attractive in my very handsome hubby! This movie was mediocre - but I have seen Vince Vaughn in other movies - and he just cracks me up!
One of the themes of the movie was that in the 1800s children only got one present and they were happy - but now with the average child's letter to "Santa" asking for 15-20 presents. In the movie, Santa is having trouble keeping up with the production. Wow - 15 to 20 presents per child, really?
A few years ago my husband and I decided that we wanted the focus of Christmas to be more about Christ and less about gifts - while not wanting to diminish the fun of gift giving and receiving - because after all Christ set the example when He laid down His life as a gift of salvation. While discussing this with a friend, she said that she and her husband had decided to give their children only three gifts - and believe me this friend and her husband could afford to give their children whatever their hearts desired - but her reasoning was that Jesus got 3 gifts on his birthday (think three wise men) and why should our children get more than that?? It made perfect sense to me - and we have followed this line of thinking ever since. It makes Christmas more enjoyable for everyone, and doesn't set the focus off center.
How do you handle the gift giving in your home?

Holiday Ebook Project

I am working on another project! I am working on another ebook and I need your help. I am making a "Family Holiday Favorites" ebook with favorite recipes, craft ideas, memory makers, thrifty tips, etc. I am going to give away the finished product to five of you who contribute to this book. Please send me recipes for your favorite holiday meals, cookies, candy, pies, etc., fun things to do to celebrate the holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas and/or Hanukkah and New Years), thrifty ways to make your holiday dollars stretch without skimping on the fun and festivities, etc.
Please send these ideas to me via email at julientexasATsbcglobalDOTnet. Be sure to include your name, city & state and country if you're outside the US.
Please help me get the word out!
Email me if you would like the button or banner that will link back to my blog. It is the first one I've ever made - I did it myself! Woo hoo!

Scrap Happy - It's Gonna Be a Cary Christmas

Here is another scrapbook page I made of my brother-in-law. He is 50 years old and mentally challenged (whatever the PC term is). His life is a testimony to perseverance. The doctors told my mother and father-in-law he would never walk, talk, sit, etc. These "nevers" only fueled my MIL's determination, and he does many of the things they said he never would. Cary spent Christmas with us and repetitively said, "It's gonna be a Merry Christmas!" which provided the altered title for my page. This was a challenging page - I had too many pictures I wanted to include so having to narrow those down is always a difficulty.

Love and Joy Come to You

This Christmas was a particularly peaceful one. Being a family of five high strung, high energy, rambunctious, boisterous people, friction is easily achieved, most times without even trying. There have been some years with so much stress from unemployment, unmet expectations, and undue pressures, that it doesn't feel very happy at all. This year really stood out as a Christmas of peace, joy and togetherness. From my last two posts it may seem that I have been sad - but this sadness has only hit me in the days following Christmas. Christmas Day itself was very special. Some of the things that were different were -

- Instead of complaining either audibly or in my heart that Christmas is sooooo much work for moms that we need a vacation afterwards just to recover, I asked the Lord to give me a servant's heart toward my family.

- Instead of hoping for my husband to read my mind and find that special something that he knows I will just love, I got real and accepted that he won't know what I want if I don't tell him. (Honestly I rarely know what I want! How can I expect him to know!)

- Instead of looking for what I could get, I focused and concentrated what I could give - and found this to be the greatest blessing of all. This was found in both time spent, presents purchased, and experiences shared.

I have realized over the last couple of years that I can be very demanding. When is see my kids behaving in a way that says they feel entitled, the Lord gently points to who has taught them to have a heart groomed for discontentment. This was a monumental, groundbreaking year for our family - and I am so thankful to be able to say that it was me the Lord did the work in. I pray these are lessons learned I never forget.

Jesus and "Father Christmas"

Over the past week I have read several posts from different bloggers about Santa and Jesus, and the whole spirit of Christmas. This morning, I was reading Boltbabe's story about Baby Jesus being stolen out of a light display in someone's backpack! How much more outrageous and anti-Christmas could that sentiment be? Then I followed a link to Spunky's blog about a teacher being reprimanded for telling her first grade students that there is NO Santa. And it is truly a crime that people get all worked up about something like this, but think nothing of the secularism that seeks to swallow Christmas - even its very name, into this nameless, vague holiday celebration of goodwill to all men, that in its very essense means absolutely nothing without Jesus.
So, all of this has gotten me thinking, and when I think, I blog - well most of the time anyway - sometimes I cook when I think, or actually have a conversation with a real human being - which is another blog entry altogether!
Last night Kullen and I were snuggled up on my bed reading The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe together - because I am determined that we will complete the book before going to see the movie. We are enjoying that time together so much, now that the poor child is not a theater orphan. In our reading, we came to the part where Peter, Susan, and Lucy along with Mr. and Mrs. Beaver meet "Father Christmas". "Father Christmas" (the English Santa Claus) gives each of the children tools for their adventure in Narnia. "Father Christmas" also bears the message that "Aslan is on the move". This fictional, fantasy story by one of the world's most respected theologians, that allegorically tells the gospel story, never seeks to put "Father Christmas" in the place of "Aslan", and neither should we. Pretend, fantasy and expansive imagination have given birth to great thinkers such as Mr. Lewis, and we as Christian parents need not be afraid of it. The ability to think, dream and create worlds, stories, and people is a precious gift of childhood that is quickly snuffed out as the responsibilities and pressures of adulthood come pressing in.
In our home, and in our family, Santa has never conflicted with Jesus, in the way that we have celebrated. I am not saying that this is true for the rest of the world, who would take Jesus completely out of the picture and replace Him with the jolly, fat man in the red suit. We have always talked about Santa's giving being in celebration of the greatest gift of all - Jesus!

Late Night Shopping - Merry CHRISTmas!

One of my favorite holiday traditions here is a late night shopping trip my friends and I make one night in December together. We usually start out in the mall, go out to eat, and eventually make our way to Target and Walmart, and whatever anybody may be interested in along the way. We did it last night, and it is all bittersweet. It was great fun, and yet deep inside is the knowledge that this may be the last time I share a Christmas with these friends before the Lord clears the way for us to move to Texas. There were lots of laughs and fun. I was worried much of the day that because of the ice that had covered the ground that we would have to cancel, and that would have devastated me. I was just having one of those days that you just know you have GOT to get out of the house - and for me yesterday was one of them. Nobody was being particularly bad - but there have been stresses kind of pressing on me - and the joy of Christmas has been eluding me. Now, it wasn't the shopping that set me in the right spirits, but friends, and laughter and remembering that we enjoy giving to one another to celebrate the gift that continues to reach through eternity and give true and lasting joy - the kind that the worldly troubles cannot drown or temper. Thank you Jesus for that reminder. You are the reason for the season - and without you all the rest really means nothing! Praise You Lord for Your gift of eternal life - that you were born in a manger to die on a cross in so that our eyes might sparkle with eternity. Let us be light in this dark world that seeks to snuff Your name out of CHRISTmas!

No CHRISTMAS Music Yet!

It has gotten relatively cool in the evenings here - and since we left the windows open all night, it is pretty chilly this morning. (I love it!) But my crazy daughter, Kendra has decided that it is time to start singing Christmas music. She is walking through the house singing "And so I'm offering this simple phrase....." So I would like to send her a message via this blog -

People looking at our house for sale
Keeping it clean is quite a chore
School is starting in just an hour
And someone's knocking at the door
I'm in my pajamas and not awake
The coffee has not yet hit my brain
And if you sing songs about Christmas yet
I think I just might go insane
And so if you sing the Christmas songs -
You'll find yourself grounded in your room
I really don't mean to be a Grinch
But I don't want Christmas to come too soon!!!!!

AAAAHHHHK! I can't even think of Christmas yet - and when I do - I can't bear to think of how different it will be in Texas. Just give me a break!