I have been sobbing on and off for the last hour. I am certain some of it is hormonal, but it doesn't make the things I am feeling any less legitimate. It may just effect the way I manage those feelings.
I feel like a failure.
My oldest child is going to have her last "childhood" Christmas with us, and I am going to scrape to be able to do anything for her.... I know I should be thankful that I can give her something - but I think about the day she was born and how I wanted to do well in life - for her sake. I wanted to give her so much more. Not materially - but a full life. I just wonder if she's had it.
The younger two are pining away for West Virginia - and the friends and good times they knew there. Cookie baking days, Christmas parties, making gingerbread houses, shopping trips, ornament making, hanging out with friends for long winter days while the moms Christmas shop together - - and I don't know when or if they'll ever have that again. I have tried to muster up the energy to plan some of those things here - but I am really struggling and can't seem to plan a thing.
The larger these feelings get the less functional I am and the worse I feel.
I feel like a spectator in the lives of others, from a distance with my friends in WV, and the one who just isn't in the inner circle of things here. And I feel so bad that even if someone invited me shopping, to a movie or over for cookies and egg nog - if I had the day off I wouldn't be good company.
I know there are worse things in the world - but this is swallowing me right now. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.
Listen Lady, If it weren't for you I may have missed a friendship with a kindred Free Spirit.
ReplyDeleteCheck the comments and it should all become clear
Still feel like a failure ?
Best Holiday season ever to you and all your house
Leonard Roe
Hugs to you, Julie. Even though I don't know you in real life I can tell by your pictures and your blog that your kids are f-i-n-e. And it seems that they have a wonderful relationship with you. YOU are a deserving, fun, loving person made in the image of our loving Father. Rest in His arms.
ReplyDeleteI understand how you feel julie. I don't pine to live anywhere else (other than somewhere warm) but I do always question whether I've done right by my children. I think all parents do. I also think we need to try to bloom where we are planted. Our will is not necessarily God's will.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, do you ever watch Joyce Meyer on tv? she really is fantastic, and right now she is doing a great motivational series. I just watched her yesterday and she was talking about this verse Isaiah 61:3 -
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor
I can't quote her, but she was saying we have to make the choice. God wants to give us beauty INSTEAD of ashes, the oil of gladness INSTEAD of mourning. And a garmetn of praise INSTEAD of despair. We have to lean on him and ask him to fullfill his glory in us. I know easier said than done, but this talk she gave really resonated with me, and when I read your post I felt like I needed you to watch it. One more thing she said was that we could either be pitiful or powerful. I am choosing powerful.
I do hope you can search for her program. It's on ABC family here at 5am. I record it. I pray that God can help you through these hard times and bring the oil of gladness into your life.
Well I can't do better than Donna!
ReplyDeleteI love you and always pray for you.
We are both hormonal at the same time. I'm just not the one crying this month, phew, not yet at least.
I think you have done a great job and you have done very well with what you have.
I understand wanting to give them more, trust me, I get that.
So pick yourself up and watch something that makes you laugh :)
Julie, I'm so sorry you are having a hard time right now! Just do the best you can. I've been in that new to this place, homesick kind of space and it's not easy, but fake the Christmas spirit and, eventually, it will catch up to you!
ReplyDeleteNeed any more useless advice? Let me know! :)
I know a bit of what you are going through. Life didn't exactly turn out the way I planned it. I wanted 4 kids and a big house that we lived in forever. Stability. Instead, we have moved around and had one disruption after another for our children's entire lives. I was hoping to get settled in a house soon and it looks like we are staying here in this tiny apartment instead. Life didn't happen that way and I cannot dwell on the "what ifs". I would go crazy. My list of blessing is much longer and I am accepting that this is God's plan and I am looking for His blessings in it all. You have a beautiful home and wonderful kids and that is just the beginning. Count your blessings!
ReplyDeleteI'm there in a way. I wish so much to be in Oklahoma with my family and friends. Not for a long time but for a while anyways.
ReplyDeleteYou have done a spectacular job raising your kids. You've given them so very much to learn and grow with and in.
Sending love and prayers your way!!
It's a tough season all around for us bitter-sweet here.
Then Stephanie said,
ReplyDelete"watch something that makes you laugh :)"
Now there's some sound advise.
Best all.
Leonard
Aahh, here you have been encouraging me today and I didn't know how crummy you were feeling...((hugs)) The part about your daughter stuck with me. I thought about what means the most about the relationship with my mom- it really wasn't the material stuff. She noticed me, she spent time with me, she was there- cooking, cleaning, she stood up for me and took my side, prayed for me when I was off track- THOSE kind of things gave me a legacy, not stuff. I KNOW she felt like a failure at times, probably has regrets- but as her daughter, I just feel loved and safe with her. I bet that your daughter would say the same. I have always heard that reaching out and serving is the best way to rise above our feelings- it shouldn't be hard to find someone who is in a bad way- not that you aren't doing that already- just a thought.
ReplyDeleteJulie, Aaagghh!
ReplyDeleteMan I hate those kind of thoughts and days!
May I just say that, for what it's worth, I have always (since I've known you) looked at you as a great example of how I hope to be with my kids when they are in their teens. I love how you parent, and I think you have done, and are doing, a TREMENDOUS job. We all have our screw ups. I got PLENTY! But, in the great scheme of life, I think you're kids will be (if they're not already) thanking their lucky stars (otherwise known as Papa) to have such an awesome mom!
You have given them the most important thing: yourself and your sincere love and relationship with Papa! There is nothing more valuable than that!
And while I'm at it, let me just say here, that YOU were my inspiration to get involved in the blogging world, which Papa has used to turn my life up onto it's tippy edge.
I am grateful for how He uses YOU in my life to teach me valuable lessons, and to inspire me to realness and real relationships with my family.
Those icky discouraging thoughts ARE NOT from Him! He loves you and is SO Pleased with who you've become and are becoming; in fact, He was pleased with you BEFORE you became!!
You are loved, girl. And highly valued by MANY!!
BTW: here's what Leonard was referring to in the "comments section" on my blog:
ReplyDeletehttp://spiritunleashed.blogspot.com/2007/09/diary-of-wannabe-pharisee-retiree.html