One is the Loneliest Number

Some days I feel it more than others. It is so hard to measure, or know what brings it on, but I miss him. You don't spend 20 years with someone without some indelible impression being made on your psyche like a footprint that says "I was here". Every minute was not the toxic mixture our union had become toward the end.
Suddenly I feel more alone than ever. Even when I'm in the company of friends, that sense of being significant, the half of the whole that being pulled apart leaves the other diminished. Two are left where one used to be, both with broken hearts.
The anger of all that was stolen has carried me, but now it seems be giving way to grief. The joy of being "home" also lifted me above the heaviness for a time, but real life has to resume. All holidays present opportunities for grief to surface, even Independence Day. Family gatherings, cook-outs, barbecues - just sitting on the outer rim uninvited. And yet being invited is equally as painful. Seeing so many people - even the friends who you know have had similar marital struggles as your own - all basking in the contentment of their relationships is a gnawing feeling in the hollow pit of your stomach.
Tonight the kids want me to take them to see fireworks so they can meet up with a group of their friends. We might do that. We were also invited to a church picnic that today I just can't bring myself to do. Sometimes it is less lonely alone.
I'm wishing for an ordinary Saturday.

Experimentation and Realization

I think I have entered the realm of donating my body to science, while still living. It seems I have decided to see how many days a human being can live off of potato salad alone. In all fairness, I am having homemade peach ice cream later - so that may throw off the results of said experiment.

And I realized that as I get older, I don't really enjoy the fourth of July. It has nothing to do with patriotism or lack thereof - but more about the sheer volume. I love seeing the fireworks, I just wish I didn't have to hear them. I am going to be a nervous wreck by the end of the weekend. It appears the loud, obnoxious holiday observance will be lasting the duration of the 3 day weekend here in Texas.

Easter Weekend

I will be taking time to really blog soon. All the outside things have finally slowed down and I am hard at work trying to make a space in my life to do the things I like again with energy and passion. The kids have spring break this coming week, so we are going to be taking it easy - of course they have a ton of things they want to do.
Yesterday we went to see Horton Hears a Who which we all loved. Dr. Seuss is the best! It had a lot of intelligent humor and poignant moments. Be sure to turn off the Project Playlist on the left before turning on the trailer below.

Today we are distributing Easter baskets and having our holiday meal, because Kendra is working tomorrow. Our menu is ham, homemade dinner rolls, three bean salad and these Cheesy Potatoes Euphoria that I found at my favorite Slow Cookin' Thursday. I also followed her link to this Bird's Nest Cake which I decided to make!
I told the kids we might hit one of the local trails for a walk this afternoon. The weather is just perfect. The sun is shining and all the windows are open, and the slight wind outside is causing the windchimes to make a nice music on the front porch.
I don't know what you're doing this weekend, but I hope that your life, and the enjoyment of it celebrates Christ. It a lot more about the life we're living than the services we're attending. We were set free at the cross from the guilt and obligation. I will celebrate by living well.

Holiday Ebook Project

I am working on another project! I am working on another ebook and I need your help. I am making a "Family Holiday Favorites" ebook with favorite recipes, craft ideas, memory makers, thrifty tips, etc. I am going to give away the finished product to five of you who contribute to this book. Please send me recipes for your favorite holiday meals, cookies, candy, pies, etc., fun things to do to celebrate the holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas and/or Hanukkah and New Years), thrifty ways to make your holiday dollars stretch without skimping on the fun and festivities, etc.
Please send these ideas to me via email at julientexasATsbcglobalDOTnet. Be sure to include your name, city & state and country if you're outside the US.
Please help me get the word out!
Email me if you would like the button or banner that will link back to my blog. It is the first one I've ever made - I did it myself! Woo hoo!

The Day In Between

The Saturday between Good Friday and Easter must have been a dark Sabbath in Jerusalem. All the rules of the Sabbath observed, there surely must have been little to do for those who witnessed the horrific crucifixion of their Lord except to sit and recount the events of the previous day. I wonder what it was like for them. As a mother of a son who I love more than my own breath, I always put myself in Mary's shoes - and wonder if the faith she had as a young woman that spoke, "let it be to me as you have said" to the angel sustained her through the darkest day of her life.
When I think of Easter - today is the day that is symbolic of our lives here. We are in a world that is dark and fallen to the curse of sin. The day in between is where we are suspended now waiting for heaven.
I have to tell you I have goosebumps as I write this - and not to freak anyone out - I know it is the Lord's spirit impressing these thoughts on my heart. We have a choice in this suspended state to look at the tragedies of yesterday and grieve, and wallow, and suffer repeatedly, or we can eagerly anticipate the great and joyous tomorrow, fashioned in eternity for those of us who believe!
I don't know about you girlfriends, but I am going to live this in-between in victory, with baited breath for the day that is coming! Remind me when you see me lose my step and dwell on yesterday. Encourage me to have the faith that says to the Lord, "let it be to me as you have willed", as I wait, with homesickness for heaven.

Jesus and "Father Christmas"

Over the past week I have read several posts from different bloggers about Santa and Jesus, and the whole spirit of Christmas. This morning, I was reading Boltbabe's story about Baby Jesus being stolen out of a light display in someone's backpack! How much more outrageous and anti-Christmas could that sentiment be? Then I followed a link to Spunky's blog about a teacher being reprimanded for telling her first grade students that there is NO Santa. And it is truly a crime that people get all worked up about something like this, but think nothing of the secularism that seeks to swallow Christmas - even its very name, into this nameless, vague holiday celebration of goodwill to all men, that in its very essense means absolutely nothing without Jesus.
So, all of this has gotten me thinking, and when I think, I blog - well most of the time anyway - sometimes I cook when I think, or actually have a conversation with a real human being - which is another blog entry altogether!
Last night Kullen and I were snuggled up on my bed reading The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe together - because I am determined that we will complete the book before going to see the movie. We are enjoying that time together so much, now that the poor child is not a theater orphan. In our reading, we came to the part where Peter, Susan, and Lucy along with Mr. and Mrs. Beaver meet "Father Christmas". "Father Christmas" (the English Santa Claus) gives each of the children tools for their adventure in Narnia. "Father Christmas" also bears the message that "Aslan is on the move". This fictional, fantasy story by one of the world's most respected theologians, that allegorically tells the gospel story, never seeks to put "Father Christmas" in the place of "Aslan", and neither should we. Pretend, fantasy and expansive imagination have given birth to great thinkers such as Mr. Lewis, and we as Christian parents need not be afraid of it. The ability to think, dream and create worlds, stories, and people is a precious gift of childhood that is quickly snuffed out as the responsibilities and pressures of adulthood come pressing in.
In our home, and in our family, Santa has never conflicted with Jesus, in the way that we have celebrated. I am not saying that this is true for the rest of the world, who would take Jesus completely out of the picture and replace Him with the jolly, fat man in the red suit. We have always talked about Santa's giving being in celebration of the greatest gift of all - Jesus!

Halloween - Has it Gotten a Bad Rap?

I've had Halloween on the mind lately. I have been struggling as a believer in knowing what to make of it all. I have heard it called "the Devil's birthday", or "Satan's holy-day", "All Hallow's Eve", There is much confusion in these assertions, and a lot of history to sort through in order to have an understanding about the holiday Americans celebrate on October 31st.
I have come across several very interesting articles on Halloween origins such as one done by the History Channel called This article outlines the Celtic festival of the dead, and the tradition of dressing up in costumes on what was considered the eve of their new year, when it was believed that there was a blurr between the worlds of the living and the dead. Eventually around circa 800, Pope Boniface IV declared November 1st All Saint's Day - a day to remember and honor saints and martyrs, essentially, the dead. it is also widely believed that this was an effort to replace the Celtic festival of the dead with a church-santcioned holiday. The old English word for this celebration is Alholowmesse - meaning literally "All Saints' Day" and the night before it, began to be called All-hallows Eve and, eventually, Halloween. Even later, in A.D. 1000, the church would make November 2 All Souls' Day, a day to honor the dead. It was celebrated with big bonfires, parades, and dressing up in costumes as saints, angels, and devils.
I also stumbled upon an article by Christan Apologetics and Research Ministry on the origin of Halloween. The conclusion of this article assesses that the origins of Halloween are a mixture of old Celtic pagan ritual superstition and early Catholic tradition. I would definitely recommend anyone interested in learning more read what is written here. It is clear and concise, outlining scripture specifically addressing some of the negative aspects of Halloween, such as witchcraft, the occult and demons, of which the believer should beware.
The author of the CARM article also points out how other symbols, which had pagan origins have been redeemed by Christians, such as the Christmas tree. It's origins indicate that it was originally an ancient fertility symbol. As believers the evergreen tree has come to symbolize eternal life afforded to us because a Savior was born, to die on a "tree", to pay a debt He didn't owe because we owe a debt we couldn't pay.
The bottom line is that a person's decision to celebrate Halloween or not is based on their heart. What do the things associated with Halloween mean to you? The author of the apologetics article uses the references where Paul speaks about eating the meat sacrificed to idols. Where one man's freedom allows him to eat that meat with no association to the pagan worship it derived from, based on his life and history another man may not. (I Cor. 10) Our freedom in Christ, and our living of our lives is based on the conviction of the Holy Spirit working in each of us individually. In your heart, are you associating with Satan and his minions by passing out candy and allowing your children to dress up for Halloween? Or do you you see this as a tradition rooted in Americana, with no attachment to the "dark side"?
In the 70s my brother and I would dress up and take our pillowcases off of our bed. We would walk five blocks in one direction - as far as we were allowed to go without an adult - and get our pillow sacks half full. We would then go home and dump them on our beds, and go five blocks in the other direction! I did not grow up in a "Christian" home, and yet in my mind Halloween was ALL about candy and dressing up and not about the devil.
I read another interesting article that suggests believers are giving Satan a foothold by withdrawing from this holiday. The author asserts that while we lock ourselves up in our churches for this holiday we are missing out a valuable opportunity to be a light in a darkened world, on the one day when the world appears on our own doorsteps. Interesting perspective.
I am not saying to celebrate Halloween or not to celebrate Halloween. My concern is that as believers we level mandates at one another. It is not our job to legalistically regulate the lives of those around us. I can't tell you the times I've heard a self-righteous believer proclaim "We don't DO Halloween." In all honesty, it makes my skin crawl - not that I don't understand the sentiment, but that I am reminded of the prayer of the Pharisee, wherein he proclaimed to God all that he wasn't - and patted his own back for being so much better than the next man.
There is no conclusion to be found in this post - I am still torn on this issue. I would love to hear your comments and what you're thinking about the issue. Please check out some of the articles I've linked above, and if you're passionate about this one way or the other, please count slowly to 10 - and backwards again if necessary and please post your comments in a loving way that may reach the hearts of anyone who reads what we have written here!

More Thoughts on Halloween

This weekend my family and I were riding to a fall festival in the next state and we had an interesting conversation. Our church has decided to have a fall festival this year, and are extending it beyond our church family to our surrounding community. As this is an outreach, the people organizing it decided that they didn't want it associated in any way with Halloween, and therefore have asked that the children not dress up. I understand the importance of the church keeping these two things separate, but my children, who have only ever attended this event at their church, were very disappointed that it was going to be so different.

A couple of years ago, our church did not have a fall festival. I think there has always been some tension - some think the children should dress up and others think it too Halloween-y. One well meaning woman suggested that our children be allowed to dress only as animals or Bible characters. This was the topic of our family discussion.

The first and most dramatic point of that discussion was that the Bible was full of characters that were not at all wholesome. For instance, Satan is a character that appears in the very first book of the Bible. Among others we listed were serpents, Cain - the murder, Rahab - the prostitute, David and Bathsheba - partners in adultery, Goliath - a monster, Saul, Pharoah or the death angel that passed over and struck the firstborn of Egypt, Lot's daughters, and the list goes on and on. Not to mention, what costume would you wear if you decided to dress up as Adam and Eve before the fall??? That wouldn't go over very well anywhere, much less at a church sponsored event.

It was interesting to think about how the Bible is not a baby's bedtime story book, but a book filled with rich history which is not always beautiful. It is an annal of war for the Jewish nation. It is a gory, and bloody book of crime and passion. It is a book full of sinful people living in a fallen world. And although the prevailing message is of a scarlet thread of redemption from Adam to Jesus Christ and extended to each of us - there are people all along the way who distort that message.
On another interesting note, during the pagan rituals that originated what eventually intertwined with Catholic traditionto become Halloween, the participants wore animal masks!!!