A Rant About the Church on Marriage and Divorce, Etc.

Maybe I'm bitter - but I can't stop thinking about this, the bill of goods we've been sold as women. I just finished reading Vinegar Hill and the priest describes to the young woman about to be married her role as the "hearth" and the "home". What if the hearth has no one to stoke the fires? What if the home is more of a house, empty and fractured? What then?
I have been told throughout the years by well-meaning (and much loved) Christian friends that they couldn't condone divorce. They would support me through a separation - hold my hand, help me financially, even give the kids and I a place to live - but that divorce was never going to be an option. I have been in circles before where women who were divorced were whispered about when they left the room, tongue in cheek as one person would lean over and say, "this is her second marriage". Like I needed to know, be warned.
I am in a crisis so perhaps I will look back on this years later and come down on a completely different side of the issue - but for right now I am really struggling. Please filter whatever you read here through that fact. Right now I am angry. The "church" as an institution that would hold to this belief that I am less of a woman if I divorce my husband, that even through all of the hell I've lived and how I've tried to love in spite of it, I have failed. That I am a failure.
God hates divorce. It is true - but I know He sees what my kids and I have endured, and hates it as well.

I Did A Really Bad Thing

Tonight Lizbeth and I made a quick run to Walmart for some dog food (the rouse) and chocolate (the real reason for the outing). At the last minute, Kaitlyn wanted to go with us. Nobody noticed that she was gone. After about 45 minutes we were on our way home and Kendra instant messaged me on my phone asking if Kaitlyn was with us. I decided to tease Kendra - and said "no". It only got worse from there. What I didn't know was that it wasn't really Kendra looking for Kaitlyn - but her dad. After a few minutes of this Kullen calls me and tells me that Travis is upset and had just driven off to go find Kaitlyn. Uh oh.
We rounded the corner and saw his car round the other corner more or less on two wheels. It wasn't a pretty scene. Foul words and yelling. Bad scene. Very bad.
In honesty, it was a joke. He was just so scared. He said that next he was going door to door in our neighborhood and would hurt anyone that even looked wrong. I apologized and he knows that his reaction was because he was really upset. Over the years he has played a prank or two of this severity about our kids on me, but I doubt that either of us will ever do it again.
Yikes!
I'm so sorry.

Angry

I was thinking over the past week and I realize that there is a theme running through the last several posts - and it is one of anger. I am angry. It is taking its toll on me mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally.
I am so damn tired of those who call themselves Christians having nothing to do but annihilating one another.
The sad part is that in that whole sentence, I lost many of you at the word damn.
Damn Damn Damn
Hopefully those of you who are so sensitive have stopped reading and I can resume with the audience that wants to know what is really on my mind.
The thing is that so many people are out to look at fault in one another - and if you look hard enough you are going to find plenty - especially if your microscope is pointed in my direction. And you know what - the smallest of all will be that I used the word damn - what now like five or six times on my blog.
I feel righteously indignant.
I am worn to the core of being involved in fellowships of various kinds who hold up a flaming hoop for me to jump through. It is wrong.
Do not slap God's name on whatever you decide to do and think that makes it right - because if the same Holy Spirit is in both of us - it should resonate. Lemme tell ya a little secret -
Lean in closer -
IT AIN'T RESONATIN'!!!
Damn.

Wicked Crazy

After our tornado fly-by on Saturday, I was none too happy to hear thunder rolling and see the flash of lightening all night long. I didn't sleep that well. This is one terrible storm. I called Travis on his way to work and he said it is pretty bad out there. It is storming bad enough that I am not wanting to go take a shower yet. I don't know why - but when I was a kid you didn't talk on the phone or take a bath when there was a storm. I have a friend who still won't talk to me if it is storming outside - even after much explanation that the danger existed in the possibility of lightening traveling down a cord to the phone and zapping you. I have also seen it travel down an antenna into an old console television that I was sitting 3 feet away from. It was turned off and blew anyway.
It's crazy outside, but not just because of the weather. I tend to be an extrovert, who doesn't mind being out and around people, even in somewhat crowded situations, but a few days ago I was in a Walmart where the throngs of people felt like a mob of crawling cockroaches, it was just that icky. Then last night, the girls and I went out for the final thrust of what we needed to get done, not to mention grocery items that we needed, including toilet paper. As we were leaving one store, there was a man in a truck that squealed to a stop next to a car where a woman was jumping out - all kinds of profanities ensued. It appears that she cut him off and he followed her into the parking lot angry to have it out. I was glad he ended up driving away - but it was freaky to see tempers flaring like that. Then on our way home, I was driving along about 60 mph through an area where there was a convenience store, when suddenly a car shot out in front of me with no lights on - and he was a dark gray color. I didn't see him until I was right on top of him. Things are so crazy out there - I think it is time to stay home until Christmas. I realize that these things can happen anytime, but there is a strange tension and energy out there. I think I'll stay home and watch movies instead! Y'all be careful out there!