Tomorrow is my 2 week, post D&C check-up. I will also get the test results of the biopsy - and although I am trying not to, I feel like I'm holding my breath a bit. I know that whatever the outcome, I am in the hands of a loving Father, who already knows how this will play out. My head knows this - but my diaphragm that compels me to breathe in and out evidently did not get the memo. I am taking Kaitlyn with me - my calm center - the middle child. I am not taking her in to talk to the doctor with me, but after the appointment she and I are going to go shopping for some lights for our Christmas tree, and maybe get some lunch.
I am just waiting.
I am not good at that.
My friend Dwayne preached another sermon yesterday that really spoke to my heart about persevering through these difficult times. We chatted this morning about how perseverance is an on-the-job training kind of thing. You get thrust into a difficult situation that you have to persevere through - you don't necessarily get to practice it. I am going to share the link to his blog so you can watch it if you'd like. I love his heart - I know the big lug and what a hard year he has had, the most difficult of which was surely losing his mom. This was a sermon forged in the fire of a very painful year. Be sure to listen to the end - there's a great video clip illustration of perseverance.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
25 November 2008
29 March 2008
Lost in the Thicket
Yesterday evening the girls and I took a walk on one of the local trails and took in a little nature and some deep conversation. It was some of the inspiration for the new header on this blog. It was nice, just the three of us in the woods without any interruption.
East Texas is quite beautiful in the spring, with areas that literally look carpeted with ferns, pitcher plants, and flowers. In a few months the heat will make the outdoors less than enjoyable so spring here is when nature really shines. We walked quietly for a while, noticing animal tracks and the carnivorous plants that are indigenous to the area. But what could be more natural than our conversation turning to God.
The girls were both telling me how they feel far away from God. It hurt to realize that I was part of indoctrinating my children into a system of religion and obligation. It is hard to undo. It is difficult to articulate things to them in a way that doesn't cause them to think as I once would have that I have completely abandoned my faith. It scares me a little bit to see them free to love and worship God outside the confines of what the religious world tells us it should look like, and encourage them to step out for what will be certain scrutiny by the "church". I was fumbling with the words, and at the same time so excited that we were touching on something that is so life changing that they were spilling out in rapid succession. The church would tell us if we don't feel close to God to "dig deeper", chase harder, press in, pray more, read the Bible more, sweat, toil and strive towards Him. Although some of these things may have value, they also seem much more like vain human effort. Might I even be so bold as to suggest without offending my readers, that the attempt to conjure up this feeling of "being close to God" closely resembles witchcraft. The truth is that we are never far from Father. He was there with us in the woods, and when we sat eating dinner, and when we were laughing until we cried last night teasing each other. He is there. Our lives are to be a celebration of Him in all we do.
One of the girls attended church with a friend this past week, and was telling me it is where she feels the most uncomfortable anymore is in church. The music is repetitive, and the teachings are hollow especially where the youth are concerned, and no matter where you go, it is all predictable, even across denominational lines. We talked about every conversation with anyone who finds out that you don't attend church coming to this awkward place where you know they have an agenda to fix you, get you "in church", etc. Much of this is done in misguided love, and I hold no resentment, but it is a clear indicator that so many have traded relationship for formula, and intimacy for corporate worship.
We talked about how the Bible wasn't originally split into chapters and verses, and how what was often meant as a living narrative saying "see how this person walked" is often taken and broken into itty bitty pieces and given to us as a "do A, B, C and reap D" plan. It can be used in such a way as to almost omit God altogether.
I was sharing with my girls, my testimony of how this is all deconstructing for me. I feel a lot like a butterfly just out of the cocoon, too aware of the shortness of my life to let fear keep me from flying. Even in my worst moments now, I know that I have not changed in His sight. I am not on the treadmill of guilt and obligation anymore. It set me up to feel deep down inside that I could never measure up. Even while I have come to these conclusions for my own life, I have still wanted my kids to remain where it seemed safe, just in case I was wrong. I am sorry that I haven't shared with them more through this journey that I have been internalizing so much. I know that it was Father who got us alone in the woods together yesterday, and I am so thankful He did. I can trust Him completely with their hearts as well as my own.
East Texas is quite beautiful in the spring, with areas that literally look carpeted with ferns, pitcher plants, and flowers. In a few months the heat will make the outdoors less than enjoyable so spring here is when nature really shines. We walked quietly for a while, noticing animal tracks and the carnivorous plants that are indigenous to the area. But what could be more natural than our conversation turning to God.
The girls were both telling me how they feel far away from God. It hurt to realize that I was part of indoctrinating my children into a system of religion and obligation. It is hard to undo. It is difficult to articulate things to them in a way that doesn't cause them to think as I once would have that I have completely abandoned my faith. It scares me a little bit to see them free to love and worship God outside the confines of what the religious world tells us it should look like, and encourage them to step out for what will be certain scrutiny by the "church". I was fumbling with the words, and at the same time so excited that we were touching on something that is so life changing that they were spilling out in rapid succession. The church would tell us if we don't feel close to God to "dig deeper", chase harder, press in, pray more, read the Bible more, sweat, toil and strive towards Him. Although some of these things may have value, they also seem much more like vain human effort. Might I even be so bold as to suggest without offending my readers, that the attempt to conjure up this feeling of "being close to God" closely resembles witchcraft. The truth is that we are never far from Father. He was there with us in the woods, and when we sat eating dinner, and when we were laughing until we cried last night teasing each other. He is there. Our lives are to be a celebration of Him in all we do.
One of the girls attended church with a friend this past week, and was telling me it is where she feels the most uncomfortable anymore is in church. The music is repetitive, and the teachings are hollow especially where the youth are concerned, and no matter where you go, it is all predictable, even across denominational lines. We talked about every conversation with anyone who finds out that you don't attend church coming to this awkward place where you know they have an agenda to fix you, get you "in church", etc. Much of this is done in misguided love, and I hold no resentment, but it is a clear indicator that so many have traded relationship for formula, and intimacy for corporate worship.
We talked about how the Bible wasn't originally split into chapters and verses, and how what was often meant as a living narrative saying "see how this person walked" is often taken and broken into itty bitty pieces and given to us as a "do A, B, C and reap D" plan. It can be used in such a way as to almost omit God altogether.
I was sharing with my girls, my testimony of how this is all deconstructing for me. I feel a lot like a butterfly just out of the cocoon, too aware of the shortness of my life to let fear keep me from flying. Even in my worst moments now, I know that I have not changed in His sight. I am not on the treadmill of guilt and obligation anymore. It set me up to feel deep down inside that I could never measure up. Even while I have come to these conclusions for my own life, I have still wanted my kids to remain where it seemed safe, just in case I was wrong. I am sorry that I haven't shared with them more through this journey that I have been internalizing so much. I know that it was Father who got us alone in the woods together yesterday, and I am so thankful He did. I can trust Him completely with their hearts as well as my own.
02 February 2008
The Time Has Come, the blogger said, to Talk of Many Things, of Politics and Biases - of Liberty and Kings
I am on all kinds of yahoo groups. You know, the kind where people often say what they would never say to you face to face. Oh yeah, I am also on some that rock, and where I know I am among friends. Today on one of the less friendly groups that I stay plugged into because of geography, someone stepped on my toes BIGtime.
I think the anonymity of the cyber community can be a place of tremendous fellowship and support. Say if you live in a po-dunk-town in rural Texas somewhere, you can still find friends who share your convictions about education, marriage, politics, faith, etc. Other times you are affirmed in your assertion that some people should have an island.
In community with other Christians, lots of assumptions are made. Recently I have had people assume I am affiliated with a specific political party, endorse a specific candidate, or am passionate about specific issues. In what should be a vibrant, kaleidoscope community of faith, followers of Christ,we have allowed everything to fade to gray, (pardon the screen writing terminology - it is my current passion) and expect some sort of homogenized, Stepford believer to surface eventually from the seed of each new convert.
I spent a lot of years expecting all Christians to look the same, talk the same, be passionate about the same things. I spent a lot of time drawing lines in the sand separating the "us" from the "them". It took a lot of gentle care from the Father, removing the sand from my eyes one grain at a time to reveal the circle that God has always been trying to draw around all of us, if only we were willing to stay inside.
Don't make assumptions. Not just with politics, but in all areas of life. My thoughts do not threaten your thoughts, as yours do not threaten mine.
Assumptions are dangerous things.
Just for fun, can anybody tell me where the context of the title for this post comes from? Hint: think walrus!
I think the anonymity of the cyber community can be a place of tremendous fellowship and support. Say if you live in a po-dunk-town in rural Texas somewhere, you can still find friends who share your convictions about education, marriage, politics, faith, etc. Other times you are affirmed in your assertion that some people should have an island.
In community with other Christians, lots of assumptions are made. Recently I have had people assume I am affiliated with a specific political party, endorse a specific candidate, or am passionate about specific issues. In what should be a vibrant, kaleidoscope community of faith, followers of Christ,we have allowed everything to fade to gray, (pardon the screen writing terminology - it is my current passion) and expect some sort of homogenized, Stepford believer to surface eventually from the seed of each new convert.
I spent a lot of years expecting all Christians to look the same, talk the same, be passionate about the same things. I spent a lot of time drawing lines in the sand separating the "us" from the "them". It took a lot of gentle care from the Father, removing the sand from my eyes one grain at a time to reveal the circle that God has always been trying to draw around all of us, if only we were willing to stay inside.
Don't make assumptions. Not just with politics, but in all areas of life. My thoughts do not threaten your thoughts, as yours do not threaten mine.
Assumptions are dangerous things.
Just for fun, can anybody tell me where the context of the title for this post comes from? Hint: think walrus!
12 November 2007
Small Christianity
I get inundated with emails from time to time, typically forwards from lists that others are on with don't read this book, don't watch that movie, etc. I used to belong to every "family activist" type list you could imagine - and they spewed out this stuff in massive doses. Things were boycotted, banned, rallied for or against, etc. What I have learned is that I don't need another living person to tell me what is right or wrong, but the Holy Spirit that dwells in me. I am not scared to watch, read or listen to something that contradicts what I believe. In fact, quite often instead of weakening my faith, it makes me stronger. When the rubber meets the road, and I see, or read or hear something that causes me to dig deep into what I really hold to be true, and give voice to my faith, I grow. From a parental standpoint, I am trying to raise my kids just the same way. I am not afraid for them to hear things that are different from what we have told them. We have grounded them, and are grounding them in the truth, but allowing them to learn to voice the truth for themselves, with the help of the Holy Spirit in them. We want them to learn to hear the Lord's voice and not ours streaming through their heart and mind, shooting down falsehoods and discerning false teachers and teachings.
I do appreciate the information, but what I've concluded is this - if our faith comes down to a series of "dos" and "don'ts" on some man-made list of what we should embrace or avoid, I think our Christianity has gotten pretty small. Instead of being a force of abundant living, it is a crippling taskmaster. If God trusted us each enough to give us a free will, then He can certainly trust us to live free and not check our brains at the door!
I do appreciate the information, but what I've concluded is this - if our faith comes down to a series of "dos" and "don'ts" on some man-made list of what we should embrace or avoid, I think our Christianity has gotten pretty small. Instead of being a force of abundant living, it is a crippling taskmaster. If God trusted us each enough to give us a free will, then He can certainly trust us to live free and not check our brains at the door!
03 November 2005
Faith
My scrolling marquee used to contain the following quote from Fred Gailey in the story Miracle on 34th Street - "Faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to." I found that to be very understandable in an every man kind of way. If you think about the cross - it makes no sense. My friend, Bonnie, a psychologist and PhD came to the Lord about five or six years ago - but as she gives her testimony and describes the experience of being an unbeliever the majority of her 50+ years of life, she recounts this story: Bonnie and her sister Barbara are sitting in a restaurant eating dinner together, and discussing some of Bonnie's struggles with Christianity. The conversation from Bonnie's perspective becomes intense, and she stands up (remember they're in a restaurant!) and says, "You are NEVER going to get me to say that a dead man got up and walked around." Common sense was telling Bonnie just what we know in the flesh - someone dies, they go to the grave, we never see them again - the end. But as Christians our faith tells another story - and our beliefs cannot always be supported by our reason.
So tell me why is it that as a Christian, I enter that first crisis of belief, and surrender my ability to understand all of the hows and whys of the cross - and then spend the rest of my Christian life, struggling to understand every single situation the Lord allows in my life - good, bad or indifferent - from that point forward?? Why don't I accept these mysteries of humanity with the same childlike faith that God is in control of all of them in the same way He was in control at the cross - even when it certainly must not have seemed like it to those standing there on that day! If God is in control, my heart and mind (ah! that's the biggest struggle) must accept that His view is complete. He knows what each hurt, crisis, joy, doubt is making in me - and He intends to use it for His glory. Common sense says I should be able to figure things out - to make sense of the world around me - and yes, in many ways I can - but in so many more - there is just the lingering "why". The only answer is Jesus - that in all of my life He might be glorified.
So tell me why is it that as a Christian, I enter that first crisis of belief, and surrender my ability to understand all of the hows and whys of the cross - and then spend the rest of my Christian life, struggling to understand every single situation the Lord allows in my life - good, bad or indifferent - from that point forward?? Why don't I accept these mysteries of humanity with the same childlike faith that God is in control of all of them in the same way He was in control at the cross - even when it certainly must not have seemed like it to those standing there on that day! If God is in control, my heart and mind (ah! that's the biggest struggle) must accept that His view is complete. He knows what each hurt, crisis, joy, doubt is making in me - and He intends to use it for His glory. Common sense says I should be able to figure things out - to make sense of the world around me - and yes, in many ways I can - but in so many more - there is just the lingering "why". The only answer is Jesus - that in all of my life He might be glorified.
09 August 2005
A Circle of Friends
I have the best group of girlfriends in the entire world. I have many, many blessings in my life - I was born in a country where I can worship the Lord freely, I have a husband that is faithful and committed to me and our children, I am part of an awesome body of believers in a place where I have grown both personally and spiritually. One of the greatest treasures among these blessings is the friends the Lord has literally poured into my life. They are Christian women, some are mothers, some are homeschoolers, and they come in all shapes and sizes, personalities, and each one of them provides something unique to my life that none other can. (I am going to try and write about them individually in future posts - so keep looking for that!)
Last night, we had a "girls night out". It was pretty nice, after being somewhat cooped up and sick, although I didn't do the late movie - I did go and have dinner and I enjoyed it so much. There were ten of us together. Some there I have known for the entire ten years I have made my home here. One was ten years old when I first met her and has grown into a lovely 20 year old woman that I want to be more like when I "grow up". And there was one I have only met within this past year who is as dear as the rest. The company and conversation were wonderful.
The world I lived in before being a believer, I was surrounded mainly by women who spent their time and money at the mall, or having their hair and nails done. Now anybody who knows me will know how out of place I am in that kind of environment! I HATE the mall. I only go there on an "as needed" basis - meaning there is something there I cannot find anywhere else. Relationships were shallow, and very unsatisfying. But these Christian women have brought something to my life that I am not sure I can live without.
Here is that trust issue coming up again. Do I believe that God will provide something that now seems a necessity in my life? Can I trust that if He is taking me a starting over point, where I will have to make new friends that during that time, that I still have my "best" friend in Him? Will I allow Him to take me through a season of loneliness to teach me something new?
I have noticed recently, even in group settings, I have been feeling lonely. It may sound weird, but even while I am with people, I am starting to miss them. I have been thanking the Lord that He is providing these opportunities to experience the ocean wave of emotion, before the tsunami comes in and wipes my life bare of everything familiar. But I know that even then He will be my stronghold. Currently my favorite song is by a group called Kutless - which is often a little too much for me - but they put out a worship CD - and have a song called "Strong Tower". It plays in my head a lot, and I know the Lord allows that track to remind me that the One who has my life in His hands is able to carry me even through this.
Last night, we had a "girls night out". It was pretty nice, after being somewhat cooped up and sick, although I didn't do the late movie - I did go and have dinner and I enjoyed it so much. There were ten of us together. Some there I have known for the entire ten years I have made my home here. One was ten years old when I first met her and has grown into a lovely 20 year old woman that I want to be more like when I "grow up". And there was one I have only met within this past year who is as dear as the rest. The company and conversation were wonderful.
The world I lived in before being a believer, I was surrounded mainly by women who spent their time and money at the mall, or having their hair and nails done. Now anybody who knows me will know how out of place I am in that kind of environment! I HATE the mall. I only go there on an "as needed" basis - meaning there is something there I cannot find anywhere else. Relationships were shallow, and very unsatisfying. But these Christian women have brought something to my life that I am not sure I can live without.
Here is that trust issue coming up again. Do I believe that God will provide something that now seems a necessity in my life? Can I trust that if He is taking me a starting over point, where I will have to make new friends that during that time, that I still have my "best" friend in Him? Will I allow Him to take me through a season of loneliness to teach me something new?
I have noticed recently, even in group settings, I have been feeling lonely. It may sound weird, but even while I am with people, I am starting to miss them. I have been thanking the Lord that He is providing these opportunities to experience the ocean wave of emotion, before the tsunami comes in and wipes my life bare of everything familiar. But I know that even then He will be my stronghold. Currently my favorite song is by a group called Kutless - which is often a little too much for me - but they put out a worship CD - and have a song called "Strong Tower". It plays in my head a lot, and I know the Lord allows that track to remind me that the One who has my life in His hands is able to carry me even through this.
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