Thanks, But No Thanks

I have gotten a couple of emails, and comments that suggest that I consider medication for the depression, or that I talk to my doctor. I appreciate the value that this has had in the lives of others. I can imagine a scenario under which I would consider such prospects, such as when my mother was very ill, and I was packing my 3 kids back and forth each week to the hospital so I could be her weekday caretaker. I could hardly cope with things, and the doctor gave me some medication for anxiety / depression. I took it for a time. I also had a sedative to take "as needed".
My depression is situational. I have a very bad marriage. Things are not going to get better. I left a circle of friends who loved me, loved my kids and were there for us good or bad to try and give CPR to a relationship that has long since failed to have a heartbeat. I refuse to get to the point where I have to numb myself in order to live with him. The moment I have to consider such a thing, it is time for me to go. Believe me, it is way past time. I have no hope. I have no joy. I have no sense that repeating the cyclical history of 20 years gone by will bring a different result. Hey, I figured out that if I stop bashing my head against the wall, it stops hurting. My heart does ache, because deep inside of me is the girl who wanted so much to meet a boy who adored me, and made all the pieces of life finally fit together. I guess I had some expectations too. But slowly, one at a time I have had to let go of them all.
I have also had the suggestion to read this book, or pray this prayer, go to a counselor, etc. etc. etc. These are all phases we have been through. We have been down each and every road. I literally have nothing left to give. I don't even have any passion behind these words. I just want to be set free. I don't want another man. I just want me, and my kids, and quiet and calm. I want to get up every day and not have anybody else's chaos to manage, or anybody else's neglect to suffer through.
Thank you so much for all the heartfelt suggestions. I know you mean well - all of you. But I am not going to dull my senses so that things that are horrific in my opinion don't look so bad. I have to fight for something better.

Numb-skulls

It has come to my attention more and more what a society of "feelingless" people we are becoming. I don't mean to say that we don't care about one another, but that we are a society that continually rejects our feelings. Many people in my generation (late 30 somethings) grew up in a time where we were taught to stuff our feelings, ignore them, pretend that they do not exist. It caused a lot of emotionally unhealthy adults.
Currently, I think the trend may be reversed in some ways. Many in our culture are preoccupied with feelings, offended at the slightest suggestion of an insult, a discussion about a choice we have made, or maybe even going so far as to think that anyone who does not feel as we do - share our sentiments, thoughts or opinions is being critical of us. (Trust me, been caught in this trap myself!) I think therapists couches are full of people trying to analyze and over-analyze ever minute conversation, gesture, or look we have in our interactions with other people. It is making us sick. What does God's word say?

He who covers an offense promotes love. Proverbs 17:9

Another trap I think that we are finding more and more prevalent is the numbing of all feelings. My mother-in-law lost her husband of 51 years last July. She is grieving. However, more than one person has suggested to her that she needed anti-depressants. I think this is a mark of our culture. I don't mean to take issue with those people - I think they are making their suggestions in love, but I worry about the trend to suppress our feelings. There are normal stages of grief, and if you do not go through them, I believe they will come back around again. Numbness is not overcoming, it is denial and I think that as a society we are in big danger here.
I know that many people take medications such as these to function - I have myself. I went through a time of such severe anxiety that I was literally having to remind myself to breathe. I had so much on my plate that I would go to bed at night and think to myself, what is the absolute least amount of sleep I can get and still function? Not healthy thoughts. So I took medication for a while - and then got my life straight - and found I no longer needed the medication. Some of the most healing times in my life were when I absolutely came to the end of myself, and beat my fists, cried my eyes out and screamed to the Lord to help me. God's word tells us repeatedly to "cry out". I don't know about you, but I'm going to take Him at His word - He seems to know best! If I had been a zombie, I would not have been able to grow through the difficult times.
I worry that some will react negatively to what I have said here - but please know - I am not talking about a physiological need for medication - I am talking about the generation of elementary school children who are drugged up so they can conform to the standards of a classroom, adults who take medication by the handfuls so that they don't have to feel guilt or pressure or pain for infidelity, cheating on their taxes, walking out on a wife/husband and children, etc. Our feelings are a tool God uses to drive us to Him, the place where it all comes back together again.