I spend a lot of time consciously not thinking about my parents. Unfortunately for me, because most of us have them, there are things that serve as constant reminders that I wasn't just dropped to earth by a low flying stork. May and June offer two holidays that could prove excruciating if I let them into my mental consciousness very far. But I don't. Most of the time I am successful at the denial game. But once in a while I will talk with a friend and hear that they are doing something mundane like making jam with their mom, and I am so overcome with the want of a mother that I could physically crumble into a heap.
Father's Day is this weekend. A few years ago - 11 to be exact, I was sitting in church on Father's Day, about 20 some weeks pregnant with my beautiful boy. I could feel the tension building, the emotion overpowering me as the pastor talked about fathers. I was trying to relax and do some deep breathing when the contractions started, but found myself helpless to stop what my body had put into motion. Thus, that Father's Day of 1997 ended with a stay in the hospital. This was a very real indicator of how much it is hurting me even when I try to deny it. I am so thankful they were able to stop the pre-term labor, and that I had good friends to gather round me for support, yet that has never been an adequate substitute for having parents.
My mom decided with a little help from me that she wasn't speaking to me about a year and a half ago. It seems there is a level of control she wants in my life - such as the ability to dictate which family members I maintain a relationship with - that I am not able or willing to give in order for us to have a relationship.
The situation with my dad is a little different. There are siblings involved. There are my children's cousins. But still it seems that he wants little or nothing to do with me. I try to maintain this illusion in my own mind that it is my choice that keeps us apart - and then the facade that he no longer has the ability to hurt me with things such as hanging the pictures I send them of my children, their grandchildren, partially behind a door down a dark hallway while the similar pictures of the other children are in proudly on the mantle, with properly directed recessed lighting. (Okay, I made that recessed lighting thing up - but it sure seems that way!) I do not blame my siblings, but this has put a strain on our relationships as well.
So I keep a lid screwed pretty tight on that bottle. But then out of the blue, something very ordinary, will blow it off very unexpectedly. Yesterday I caught a glimpse of my feet and was overwhelmed with emotion. Minus the toenail polish with slightly softer skin, they were my dad's feet. I was thinking about the years as a little girl I saw those feet walking around in flip flops, driving the Pinto, the shape of the toes, the gait of their steps. Even my own feet betray me.
Showing posts with label Mother's Day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mother's Day. Show all posts
10 June 2008
14 May 2007
Lowered Expectations and Joy
I was reading this post at Halfmoon Girl's blog - and after years of feeling much the same way she is right now, and knowing how many other women may be caught in this same trap, I just had to respond.
Let me explain this - my first child was born on April 5th - my first Mother's Day was about 6 weeks later. I waited all day long in eager expectation and nothing happened. The next morning I burst into tears and told my husband that he forgot Mother's Day - to which he replied "You're not my mother!" It took a while to help him understand why this was flawed thinking.
Anyway, long story short - it has taken almost 20 years to realize that my husband is not a good gift-giver. I honestly don't want another cake candle (something he realized I liked and then bought for every occasion for a few years until I said "uncle"). He has been miserable around every holiday because there is this expectation to meet that he will fail at. I got to thinking about it last year and wondered where this "expectation" came from. The man tells me in other ways that he appreciates me. Honestly how special is it when these things are done out of obligation on the same day that every other husband does? My hubby tells me what a good mom I am at other times - I don't need anyone else dictating a special day for him to do so. And while he isn't good at gift giving, he is my hero, provider and protector in many other ways. Why was I allowing these man-made, (and excuse the rambling ahead of time) commercialized holidays that are orchestrated to financially benefit the greeting card companies, florists, etc. dictate whether or not I feel loved.
Last year, I decided to liberate my husband - and myself from this vicious cycle of his impotency to please me and my chronic disappointment. This past Christmas I told him I knew what I wanted and if he didn't mind, I would get it for myself. The man was scratching his head thinking, "no shopping? there's gotta be a catch." I told him I would not throw it up in his face that I "got my own gift" (I knew I wanted windchimes - which by the way I didn't find until April!) nor would I be mopey or sad on Christmas. This was a win-win situation for both of us. And guess what? I had the best Christmas ever. I did the same with my birthday in February. I bought some birdfeeders that I wanted for my front porch. It was awesome. On Saturday we were talking on the phone and I was reminding the hubby-man to call his mother on Mother's Day - and he said, "Well I'm gonna call you too and wish you Happy Mother's Day." I said, "Aw, man you ruined the surprise!" We both had a laugh.
Now let me tell you, I grew up the daughter of the president of the He-woman Man-Hater's Club. I remember holidays where my mother was threatening her husband weeks before that she had better have thus-and-such ring, or the so-and-so item that she wanted - OR ELSE! It was so ugly that I determined never to be that kind of wife. My mother would be certain that my husband, who didn't succumb to such torture, didn't love me. I choose to submit these thoughts to Christ - and remember that my goal here is to think of others more highly than myself. Instead of expecting a "gift" or special treatment, I give it to my husband now - and I can tell you - it is a delight to my heart.
What is a gift bought in obligation? Now if he buys me a gift, it is because he wants to, and it comes straight from his heart. It is not purchased or pursued out of some twisted obligation that he must fill to keep me from being mad at him. (His interpretation of my disappointment.)
I hope I have helped someone else suffering from "holiday torture". Free your husband and yourself. Choose to see expressions of love all around you that don't come in ribboned boxes. Reject the commercialistic ploys that Satan would use to erode your relationship with your spouse.
PS - If you happen to frequent blogs where the author may be prone to gushing about what HER hubby got her for Mother's Day - just skip it today!
Let me explain this - my first child was born on April 5th - my first Mother's Day was about 6 weeks later. I waited all day long in eager expectation and nothing happened. The next morning I burst into tears and told my husband that he forgot Mother's Day - to which he replied "You're not my mother!" It took a while to help him understand why this was flawed thinking.
Anyway, long story short - it has taken almost 20 years to realize that my husband is not a good gift-giver. I honestly don't want another cake candle (something he realized I liked and then bought for every occasion for a few years until I said "uncle"). He has been miserable around every holiday because there is this expectation to meet that he will fail at. I got to thinking about it last year and wondered where this "expectation" came from. The man tells me in other ways that he appreciates me. Honestly how special is it when these things are done out of obligation on the same day that every other husband does? My hubby tells me what a good mom I am at other times - I don't need anyone else dictating a special day for him to do so. And while he isn't good at gift giving, he is my hero, provider and protector in many other ways. Why was I allowing these man-made, (and excuse the rambling ahead of time) commercialized holidays that are orchestrated to financially benefit the greeting card companies, florists, etc. dictate whether or not I feel loved.
Last year, I decided to liberate my husband - and myself from this vicious cycle of his impotency to please me and my chronic disappointment. This past Christmas I told him I knew what I wanted and if he didn't mind, I would get it for myself. The man was scratching his head thinking, "no shopping? there's gotta be a catch." I told him I would not throw it up in his face that I "got my own gift" (I knew I wanted windchimes - which by the way I didn't find until April!) nor would I be mopey or sad on Christmas. This was a win-win situation for both of us. And guess what? I had the best Christmas ever. I did the same with my birthday in February. I bought some birdfeeders that I wanted for my front porch. It was awesome. On Saturday we were talking on the phone and I was reminding the hubby-man to call his mother on Mother's Day - and he said, "Well I'm gonna call you too and wish you Happy Mother's Day." I said, "Aw, man you ruined the surprise!" We both had a laugh.
Now let me tell you, I grew up the daughter of the president of the He-woman Man-Hater's Club. I remember holidays where my mother was threatening her husband weeks before that she had better have thus-and-such ring, or the so-and-so item that she wanted - OR ELSE! It was so ugly that I determined never to be that kind of wife. My mother would be certain that my husband, who didn't succumb to such torture, didn't love me. I choose to submit these thoughts to Christ - and remember that my goal here is to think of others more highly than myself. Instead of expecting a "gift" or special treatment, I give it to my husband now - and I can tell you - it is a delight to my heart.
What is a gift bought in obligation? Now if he buys me a gift, it is because he wants to, and it comes straight from his heart. It is not purchased or pursued out of some twisted obligation that he must fill to keep me from being mad at him. (His interpretation of my disappointment.)
I hope I have helped someone else suffering from "holiday torture". Free your husband and yourself. Choose to see expressions of love all around you that don't come in ribboned boxes. Reject the commercialistic ploys that Satan would use to erode your relationship with your spouse.
PS - If you happen to frequent blogs where the author may be prone to gushing about what HER hubby got her for Mother's Day - just skip it today!
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