14 February 2009

Who Would Choose This?

There has been this feeling over the last couple of days that the bottom had dropped out. Everything that was familiar has become foreign, strange. The world looks different as I figure out how to make just Julie out of "Julie and Travis". But now it seems a strange and eerie peace has settled that is a huge relief, and terrifying.
It all hurts, and confuses and muddles. At work I see elderly couples shop together, moving seamlessly as if they were one. Communicating without words. I wanted that for us, the golden years. Then there are the young couples, and I remember us, a newborn between us in that early morning light when all the edges are blurred and all the sounds are softened.
I don't know how to separate it. When my parents got divorced, all the memories of us as a family seemed to have to die with their new relationships. The ones that managed to survive were the bad ones. How do I preserve the dignity of our lives for the last 21 years and not let anyone else define it based on their limited knowledge? Yes, the bad has overwhelmed the good - but there is still good there to find. I want those memories - they are mine.
Yesterday a friend eloquently explained marriage to me in a way she heard it when going through her own painful divorce - and it was so very helpful. (Thank you Becky) A marriage is like a child. It needs physical and emotional care. If you had a child that was sick, you would do everything you could to take care of it and nourish it back to health. On the other hand, if the child were to die, you would not hold onto it and keep it with you. You would bury it and mourn the loss and day by day learn to live without it again.
This is so hard. It is so painful. It isn't what I ever wanted. Who would ever choose this?


  1. No one would choose this and it's sad that anyone has to go through it. It's so VERY painful and it feels like it will never get easier...but it will.

    When I think about that time in my life, it amazes me how I could have been so heartbroken. But I remember that feeling and how lost I was. It's real.

  2. Certainly, no one would choose it, Julie.

    You are doing great thru it all. Don't let anyone make you think otherwise. I am thankful for the "eerie peace" - Papa knows you need it. Keep wading thru it, Julie.

    You, without a doubt, WILL get to the other side. And, it's beautiful there! Better days are ahead!

    You are loved, and supported here, by me.

  3. It is definitely a process, but, like most things we grieve over, we can remember the sweet times more easily once some time has passed and the grief is not so strong. There were times I was civil just for my kids, and told them stories about their dad because it was important for them. Now I find myself remembering the better moments of my life with him occasionally and smiling at them. I can separate those times from how it all ended and all the dysfunction...it took time though. Be gentle with yourself.

  4. Your friend Becky is very wise. I agree with what she said, and I have never heard it put that way before, but it makes perfect sense. I am so sorry you have to go through this Julie, no one wants to see a dream die, but all of your dreams aren't dying, start dreaming some new fantastic ones for yourself, and think of all the new happy memories you will get the chance to create. When one door closes another opens. Make sure you look for the open doors.

  5. You know I'm here for you!
    Love you!

  6. No one would choose it, Julie, and I am sad for you. But even though it doesn't seem like it now, the sun will break through the clouds again.

    I love what your friend Becky said to you. I had never thought of it from that perspective before, but it is a very wise one.


Awaiting your words......
♥ Juls ♥