This morning I feel like one of those hollow chocolate bunnies, the kind you get for Easter. The heat has turned up, as we get closer to the day when I pull away from my home and marriage with my three kids in a moving van to let it all fall apart, it is causing this feeling that I might dissolve, cave in on myself. I am so very sad this morning.
I need a friend. Not a phone call or an email, but flesh and blood to just sit with me in this pain - the way Dwayne reminded me Job's friends did after they ran out of answers.
There is a deep ache. I have this sense of wanting everything to go "back to normal" and yet I can't find a marker in time where that ever existed for us. It was always me, trudging along, trying to appear as if we were like everyone else. Now I find I wasn't even able to fool myself. I have reached the end of my strength, my resolve. Boxes are everywhere - tidy packages of the pieces of my life - a life I no longer know how to go on with.
The desperation threatens to overtake me. I never wanted this. I don't want it now. I want him to be the hero, to come crashing in to save us from this worst moment in our lives together.
HE is crashing in to save you. I know we want it to be our husbands but we do have the Father of all creation ready to make us whole.
ReplyDeleteI hate it when people get all spiritual on me when all I want is to have a good cry, wish things were different and just pout for awhile. I am hear for ya (obviously not in the flesh and blood)if you need to vent.
God really isn't taking His eyes off of you for one second. He knows your pain better than anyone.
Julie, I'm reading that you're coming back home to WV with all three of your children. Isn't there an unexpected blessing there? Not too long ago you had posted about your sadness to have to leave one of your children behind, because Kendra made the decision to stay in Texas.
ReplyDeleteI've been on jury duty for almost three months now (with more still to come), so much of my normal life has been "lessened" to compensate. Keeping up with the "boxes of your life" has been only in slivers.
ReplyDeleteEven if you could do it all by yourself, He wouldn't want you to --> "He takes no pleasure in the strength of a horse or in human might. No, the Lord’s delight is in those who fear him, those who put their hope in his unfailing love." Psalm 147:10-11
Because you can't, choose carefully where to set your hope.
Dear Julie, my heart cries for you every time I read your posts. Don't feel badly about that as it causes me to lift you up to Father God more and more. I wish I could give you a flesh and blood hug, but I'm sending along a spiritual one....
ReplyDeleteOh, Father God, my heart breaks for Julie and her situation. She has no strength to pick up the pieces of her life; would You pick them up for her, carefully watch over them, and create something new, beautiful and wonderful out of them? Don't allow her to be overwhelmed by the physical tasks ahead...give her wisdom and strength to just get the next thing done, and then the next, and then the next. Send people to her to listen to her heart's cry. People that will help her in practical ways. People that will love her unconditionally. Lift her out of the miry pit and set her feet upon a rock. Fill her hollowness with Yourself. Let her feel Your arms underneath her. Give her a measure of peace she can't begin to understand. I also pray for her children. Shower them with Your love and mercy. Give them the assurance that you will never disppoint them or let them go. Carry this family victoriously through this difficult time.
In Jesus' name. Amen.
I am praying for you Juls..."He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" Psalm 147:3...may you find this to be truth in your life. I know you are brokenhearted now. I see healing in your future. Courage my friend.
ReplyDeleteHow I wish I could hop on a plane! I am really good at packing. Lots of experience.
ReplyDeleteFor now, I'm praying.
Julie, I don't know if it will be what you need, but you will be home in WV with flesh & blood friends. Your kids will be there with friends too. God will continue to offer you healing and you are wrapped in His arms, but I understnad the need for physical arms too. Prayers that your prayers are answered soon.
ReplyDeleteI'm posting on your blog again. This latest post breaks my heart, and you know we're in similar situations. I'm worried my husband is going to commit suicide when he gets served. Talk about wanting him to come crashing in and be a hero...
ReplyDeleteI know you need a flesh and blood friend, but I hope someone who reads your words and winces because I feel the same pain helps a little bit.
"The other Mair"
Hi Julie,
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking of you and your family lately and how you mention the desire to return to "normal". I think sometimes "normal" is what we get used to, the routine, but that doesn't mean it's necessarily good for us or the best for us (I've experienced this first-hand). I think it's natural to want to "go back" but perhaps looking to the future as holding a new normal would help -- a "normal" where relationships may not be so much of an uphill battle or a struggle, where you feel freer to be yourself and appreciated for who you are.
Just some thoughts -- take care of yourself and try to go easy on yourself. From everything I've read in your blog over time, you have really, truly tried everything there is. It's o.k. to take care of yourself and your children.
Hugs,
~mom-of-2
Well, if you carry the chocolate bunny analogy, remember that if you melt chocolate down to liquid, it can be remolded again into anything else that you want.
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