03 July 2009

The Question Without an Answer

WHY? What about me didn't deserve to be cared for, protected, loved? I don't understand - sometimes life feels like swimming in a sea of people who all seem to have life jackets but nobody has one for me - I'm just adrift, getting more and more tired, and each person I swim up to refuses to let me hold on.
This is me in the natural - the insecurities that I wrestle with - the fear, abandonment and rejection that are palpable at times. God is reminding me of His love, but today I am having trouble accessing it, feeling it, knowing it in my heart of hearts. I don't need any answers - just wanted to share this in case one day you are feeling this way too - so you know you are not alone.
Papa, pour your love on me today.

6 comments:

  1. I am so sorry you feel that way. I guess I was very fortunate that most of my life hurts happened when I was young so I have been able to mostly work through and get past them now. We do feel your pain but we can't live through it like you have to. There is an answer, you just haven't worked it out yet.

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  2. knowing that you aren't alone is a life jacket in itself. I have been doing so much soul searching since reconnecting with family & old friends in Tenn after all these years. I think seeing you be so healed by being with your family last year during the hurricane helped me be brave enough to do it, so thanks for that. I am having to relearn so many things now & examine how I got here, to this place. I am still learning how to accept that who I have become is not who I was, who I am. Just because I let other people in my life deem me unworthy of love & friendship or anything else decent it doesn't make it true. I allowed it, felt I deserved it. Although it is exhausting, I am going to figure it out. I need to know how 600 miles away I AM loved, can practically do no wrong (god love 'em) but here I can do no right. Going from all that love & acceptance to a day in fairfax with inlaws tomorrow is almost unbearable. But I am going to try to carry that love & "worthiness" with me. How did a kid that was known as having never met a stranger, never stopped asking questions & loved people become a reclusive introverted hermit who doesn't have enough self esteem to go to the grocery store. But thanks to you & Mary & my visit to a different world where people actually love me (which I am still trying to get used to) I WILL figure it out. One thing I know is that just because you had people in your life that didn't know a wonderful thing when they saw it doesn't mean you aren't deserving. I know that's still not an answer, but it's a start. Let's not let a few bad apples in the world make us stop eating pie. :) Love you. Thanks for always inspiring.

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  4. I just left you a comment on your old blog. Good to see you back.

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  5. Sandy Bain BettisJuly 4, 2009 at 10:37 AM

    Wow Julie! That's all I can say as I fight the tears that I probably should allow to come! Love ya and will continue to pray for ya!

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  6. That can be a familiar feeling for me too- especially when I have to deal with people in my past who tell me that I am not of value. I have found that I am catching myself when I go into that mind set more now, and try to recite scripture that claims the promises of God. It brings me a measure of peace and reminds me that Jesus has overcome! Not preaching or telling you what to do, just sharing as I was thinking about this earlier too.

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Awaiting your words......
♥ Juls ♥