Don't Blog at All

Have you ever heard the expression, "If you don't have something good to say - don't say anything at all!"? Well I have applied that to my blog which is the best explanation I can give for the silence. I am struggling again. Travis has been out of work for a full week, and we were behind everything before that. After I pay all the bills this week, we'll have just a little money to eek out for food and gas. I cannot think beyond this particular week. If I do, anxiety attempts to take over. Things are more difficult than I can say, and while I know that others are in far more dire situations, the one that I am in, juggling day to day feels like it's swallowing me. I feel like I can't work one more hour, fix one more relationship, resolve one more problem. I am just totally, physically, emotionally and mentally spent.

Living on Love, Buying on Time

...without somebody nothing ain't worth a dime. Classic country anyone? Well, this song kinda struck a chord with what has been on my mind since last night. Travis and I took the kids to the haunted house and then out for ice cream. Since the girls had their boyfriends around, everyone wanted to linger so the big guy and I decided to peruse Gander Mountain and Best Buy. We are not shoppers and last night we remembered why. With our limited, now reduced to one income household, we don't have two nickels to rub together after we pay the bills, and to be quite honest that paying the bills part is skating on thin ice at this point as well. We pipe dreamed about getting the kids each a laptop, looked at the Nikon D80 that I've been drooling over and price checked the PS3 that Kullen is chomping at the bit over and wondered how other people do it. Not that we don't understand that our income is much more limited that that of many of our peers, but still with such prices we wondered how people afforded to have so much - 2 or 3 game systems, laptops for every member of the family, surround sound, satellite radio, cable television. (Believe me, we are by no stretch of the imagination deprived.) Suddenly I had a revelation. Most of those people that have all these "things" are buying them on credit. The toys they play with aren't even owned outright. Frustratingly, we also realized that this culture of credit has driven up the prices to the point that cash paying customers such as ourselves are paying way more than we would have otherwise.
A very similar thing is happening not only in our nation, but in the world economy and I realize, it's all going down the crapper.
How's that for your daily ray of Susie Sunshine?!?
Seriously, without credit card debt, owning both of our vehicles outright and only our mortgage, utilities and medical expenses after insurance I realize that no matter how bad our 'credit' rating is, we are far better off than a lot of people. We'll likely at least die debt free. How many Americans can say that?

Again

I think I am going to have to change my blog name "The Whining".
I am so overwhelmed again - I just called Travis at work, just to be sure that he got his paycheck before I go grocery shopping. I have done that before and the payroll person was out sick and needless to say put us in a not good situation with our checking account. I asked him how much his check was for and he gave me two figures.
Optimist that I am...I thought something good had happened to us - as we thought he was being shorted some pay the first several weeks he was at this job that started at the end of April. Nope. It took a second for it all to sink in when he said that he got a pink slip with it.
Another layoff.
Things were finally going better. With the economic stimulus check we seemed to get on top of our finances. I actually sat down the other day and for the first time since October I planned a quarterly budget.
1/4th of my back has been on lockdown for about a week - and seemed to be loosening. My cycle is all messed up. My left jawline has begun breaking out in huge, painful acne-like blemishes unlike anything I've ever had. The stress is really taking its toll. I have a friend in the same boat - which makes me feel none better - just really sympathetic. I feel like I can't get a good breath - and keep doing that sigh where you reflexively suck in air really hard with a reverse hiccup-like contraction like you did when you were small and cried too hard.
I don't know what to do - Travis said there will be other jobs at the union hall. Maybe.
I can't take the instability.

Streams of Consciousness

This morning I woke up around 6:30 and was suddenly aware of all the things that run through my mind that worry me. My dog needs a rabies shot and heartworm medicine. We need to get new state stickers for my car before it expires at the end of the month, and get one for Travis as well as pay the ticket he got for his expired sticker. I have to talk to the mortgage company about an escrow account they want to set up for our homeowner's insurance that we already have. The kids have dental appointments and two will need braces, Kullen worse than Kaitlyn. Travis heard of a job that would be better pay working as a welder and we need to check on that. My trip to West Virginia is looming and seems to be getting further away instead of closer. Some of our outdoor cats are losing their fur in patches. The list goes on and on and it swirls around in my head evidently even as I'm sleeping, which further handicaps my ability to handle the burdens the next day.
I know that the Bible says to "cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you". I know that these things are temporary worries, but that as each of them is crossed off the list, new things will take their place. I am weary of the world and the worries and the burdens. I am discouraged. I know that just about everyone has their own list of things like this, but this does not alleviate the load, it only lets me know that I am not on this road alone.
Lord, this is such a weary road. I need a little supernatural infusion of mental clarity, physical energy and maybe a little spiritual pack mule to carry the weight of this load.

Torture or a Godly Shove

Travis called me this morning. "I have bad news" he says. In my wisdom, I know that nothing following this line can be good - however, there are varying degrees of bad. In the past he has said this cause he got a ticket, or needs to buy new tires, or the price of gas went up. Today, the bad news was at the highest degree of bad.
He. got. laid. off.
I didn't see this coming - and that made the bad news even worse.
Our financial situation is already suffocating, having depleted what we had saved as he has made less than what was anticipated when we moved.
But, God is indeed in control.
Travis is the kind of guy that likes his comfort zone, more than most. He hates change. He has a long list of things he doesn't want to do. He has been talking for a couple of months now about going back into welding, but Mr. Comfort Zone often needs a huge shove to go from point A to point B.
I am trying to look at this situation as a godly shove.
In fact it can be a blessing in disguise. I have questioned the Lord before during times of unemployment and what on earth He was doing - when I had been so faithfully praying that He would give Travis a better job - and clearly heard His voice speak into my spirit "how did you expect Me to give him another job when he still had one?"
So I'm holding onto that.
And I'm thankful for the lessons my kids have learned during this time. When a lot of kids would be wheezing and whining about how this might effect their Christmas - my amazing kids were wrapping their arms around us, praying with us, and encouraging their parents. Kullen did wonder how we're going to eat which I think is quite practical. Suddenly an AK47 Airsoft Gun that was at the top of his list is not a major priority. Good kids. Lots of blessings. I'm counting them instead of the digits in my bank balance today.

Unburdening Myself

I feel in a funk today. There are lots of things that are weighing on me. I am not sure how to assimilate my thoughts in a cohesive manner - so I think I'll just make a list.

• I have a 10 yr old son who would like me to be a playmate to him. I don't know where to start and I feel that I am failing here with him.
  
• Financial burdens - everything is getting more and more and more expensive - from gas to groceries. Our income is not growing accordingly. In fact some of our income seems to be trickling in and I fear at times that it may never come. Each month I am spending money unnecessarily in late charges, etc. My husband needs to make a job change in order for us to progress financially - and he is very resistant to any change - whatsoever.
  
• I am starting to miss my mom - or maybe miss the idea of having a mom. I can't always put my finger on what brings this longing to the surface - but this time I do. Yesterday I overheard the conversation of a new friend and her sister who are going on an out of town trip together to a large TX flea market - and I could feel the pang instantly. Nobody can fix this - it is just how it is, and sometimes I deal with it but once in a while it comes up.
  

These are the big things - but right now little things like grocery shopping, planning menus, staying on top of laundry, etc. has become more of a burden than just a natural, easygoing part of the day. Just writing about it seems to have helped.

$96.72 for What???

I was telling my husband earlier today how much groceries cost. Actually I was telling him how the prices have soared in the last year or so. It is crazy. I am spending close to $150-200 a week depending on what we eat. This particular week, I thought I'd save us some money and empty out the pantry - using up all the canned goods, etc. that we have in there and finding recipes to utilize these ingredients. The picture to the right shows what I bought. If you'll notice - I did not buy any meats except lunch meat. I buy organic milk and some name brand items, but for the most part, I buy store brands. I also bought some Tootsie Pops to have on Friday to and from the concert for a treat (instead of stopping at convenience stores for junk!) and some card stock that is actually for co-op tomorrow. The total came to $96.72. I almost fainted.
Here is a list of what I bought:
2 - 1/2 gal. organic milk $3.68 each -Clorox bleach $1.88/gal - men's deodorant $2.07 - women's deodorant $2.74 (explain to me why mine is higher than hubby's???) - Toothpaste $3.47 -gallon sized freezer storage bags $1.12 - Card stock $3.88 - Apple Jacks $2.74 (a treat) - 1 pint sour cream $1.34 - 1 can navy beans $.64 (these were advertised on the shelf for 50 cents - so I was overcharged) - Saltines - $.87 - Coffee $4.96 - Butter $2.28 - 2 pkgs lunch meat $2.98 each - Tootsie pops $4.88 - Wisk $9.48 (have to buy HE detergent for the front loading washer that is supposed to be saving me money in electricity) - Downy $4.97 - Macaroni noodles $.50 - Chicken broth $1.00 - 1 can diced tomatoes $.54 - 1 pkg pop tarts $2.42 - Lipton tea bags $2.12 - Flour $1.58 - 2 pkgs oysters at $1.17 - Pepper jack cheese $2.12 - Shampoo and conditioner (good stuff - we have bad hair) $5.84 ea - Roma tomatoes - $.56 - Grapes $2.57

These things without what is already in my pantry would NOT feed us for the week - these are just the odds and ends.
Oh and on a bit of a homeschooler rant - while we were at Wally World - there was a local elementary school class there on a "field trip"!!!! Do NOT get me started here - but why on earth do elementary school students in rural America need to go on a field trip to Walmart?? Most of them practically live there. Their families spend their whole paychecks there. It defines their culture. They are all wearing the same clothes because everybody shops at Walmart. And they were not being instructed in any way whatsoever, they were descending on the store like a plague of grasshoppers, running everywhere, knocking over merchandise and blocking aisles. Oh brother.

More than Money

I had a nice, long, overdue conversation with my friend Carol today. I miss her so much. She has always been one of my biggest cheerleaders in life. Today I was feeling a little discouraged that finances are so tight right now. It is frustrating when we have to wait on little things like the purchase of a pair of shoes because of all the things I am juggling. Carol pointed out all the things in our lives that are so much more valuable than money - the relationships my children have with one another and me, the opportunities they have been given, the love that they have. It is so good to have a friend like that when you are missing the forest for the trees. True friends are priceless, and life is way more than money.

Tightening the Belt

There are two ways that the title of this post applies to my life right now. The first and never-ending thing is that I have GOT to do something about my weight. I can't even stand to look at myself. There are various avenues of attack - all of which I have tried before and failed. The crux of the issue is that it is a spiritual problem - and yet I struggle with praying and drawing closer to God with the manipulative goal of losing weight. I know that others do not feel this way - but for me - this is how it feels. I wish I could get my head on straight about it - because it is what continues to pave the road of failure.

Secondly, I am making some changes to tighten my belt in the area of grocery expenses. (I know this will thrill Leslie to no end!) I continually go to the grocery store and overspend what I have budgeted. Part of the reason is the consistently rising food prices. One way I am attempting to tackle this is to go to the store without my debit card, and only take the amount of cash that I intend to spend. This doesn't allow for me to make concessions, or impulse buy. I am also going to attempt to use less meat in our meals. This is always difficult for my husband - who is a total carnivore, but it is one way to stretch things out so that we can get the most for our money. It is so hard to eat healthy and plenty of fresh food - and so much easier to buy cheap processed, junk food that passes as meals but leaves us malnourished. I am determined to find ways to stretch our money to feed our family without compromising on a healthy diet.

How are you tightening your belt?