Life in a Different Frame

There have been a lot of adjustments for my family over the last few months. I am learning to feel safe in my own skin, with my own thoughts - and also evaluate the portion of the things that went wrong in my marriage that were mine. Nobody should ever be bullied, but sometimes when people grow up in sick childhoods, they seek that which is familiar - even participate in creating the toxic environment. I am working on the part of the problem that was solely mine.
I am learning that it is alright to love someone that you might not be able to live with, however permanent or temporary that may be. The question has come up more than once recently whether or not I'm single - and I answer emphatically no. I really don't know what I am, but for now I am content to just take life day by day and embrace the healing that has been extended to me. Every healthy thought, every sane action and reaction is a gift from God.
The landlords where I have been renting have decided to put their house on the market which means the kids and I will be moving again. Everyone talks about how the house won't sell -but I am the one left carrying the fear that my children and I will be given a 30 day notice and have nowhere to go. It was a good opportunity for me to practice clarifying boundaries, when a realtor was brought through my living quarters without forewarning.
My children have been learning autonomy in many areas. I was amazed this week when Kendra made "the best" peach pie I have ever tasted with no instruction whatsoever other than a note left on the table that said "MAKE PEACH PIE". I didn't expect she would actually do it. She also started a new job that she really wanted last week. Kaitlyn has been working part-time all summer at a local day care and arranging her own transportation, has an interview this coming week for an internship at the museum in the local library so she can get her feet wet, and is generally my right arm. Kullen was my hero last night when I heard a mouse in the kitchen. I have no idea how to set a mousetrap. He spent a few minutes researching it on YouTube, and had us all set up. Sometimes I wonder if the kids will look back on this time in life as one of the best or one of the most difficult. It seems that there isn't always a big difference in the two. Often the trials are the times when we're forced to dig in, and the best of us shows up. It seems that this is giving them the opportunity to shine. We all need each other and we are learning how to share our strengths and forgive each other our weaknesses.
I'm learning to love life in a different frame, I just needed time for my eyes to adjust.

You Win Some, You Lose Some

Everybody has a bad day from time to time, but yesterday for me was one of the worst I have had in a long time. It started out first thing in the morning with a problem between Travis and I and never recovered. I did manage to assemble the last pieces for Kullen's Halloween costume and grab just enough things through the fog that was my mind from the grocery store so that my family wouldn't starve to death. I didn't even remember to buy any Halloween candy to hand out, which is just as well since we weren't home for trick-or-treaters anyway. Everywhere I looked people were dressed up - and I was SO not in the mood to appreciate or enjoy them or Halloween. I know a lot of it is probably my hormones - but I felt like I was on a fast train to the town Crazy yesterday!
The best part of the day was the 20 minutes in which I made myself take a nap - but sadly I woke up in the same strange state of mind.
Travis and I went together to take the kids to a Halloween party and for trick-or-treating with friends and then we went out to dinner. I ordered one of my new favorites, a "Monte Cristo" sandwich and Travis ordered his standard chicken friend steak with American cheese under the gravy. I took the first bite of my sandwich and got a mouth of hot liquefied GREASE. It was so disgusting. I took another bite on a different part of the sandwich thinking it may have been just the end. Nope. The whole thing was like a big grease saturated sponge. Nasty. It ruined.my.appetite. This is nearly impossible to do. They offered to make me another one but I knew I couldn't possibly eat it. I am not one of those who casually sends my food back - but this was completely unpalatable. Travis food was pretty greasy too. I've never seen him not clean his plate, but we brought a HUGE portion of his food back for the dog.
The kids had a great time at their party and trick-or-treating, although Kullen cut out early and went back to his friend's house and when he got home I discovered he had a fever. Poor guy.
It was a day I was glad to see come to an end. I am going to spend today trying to look for the little things in my life that make me happy - a bowl of fruit loops, the cat sleeping in the sun, and the pictures of my kids in their Halloween costumes. (Kendra = Hermione Granger, Kaitlyn = Chuck from Pushing Daisies and Kullen was originally Peter Parker but turned something else because he liked the hat so much!) I'm going to try to remember what it was like being a child and the sugar hangover the day after Halloween, the joys of sorting candy and negotiating some difficult trades with my brother. I am going to try to take a walk around the neighborhood and breathe in deeply. I'm going to drink more coffee than I should just because I want to, and spend some time with my family. I am going to remember that my Papa loves me. Focusing on these things may have the power to conquer the worst day.

Never Too Old for the Playground

The week was so long that by the end of it I was petering out. My friend Tina says that I was making some "out of character" Freudian-slip type errors - losing my debit card, my keys. She is right - this is very unlike me. We had a couple of kids that had attached themselves to us and didn't want to let go - and no money to do anything so we decided to head for a couple of hours that we had to kill to the local playground. As you can see here, they had no difficulty remembering how to play! I just love this picture - it is one of my all-time favorites. Happy times. Good friends.

A Specific Prayer Request

We still have not evacuated - but the good news is that the roads seem pretty clear - a lot better at any rate than they were yesterday. There is a tiny part of me trying to convince myself to stay at home with my husband. I hate the idea of him being here - and equally the thought of being an imposition on someone else. But I know the way the thunderstorms strike fear in my heart here - and I can't imagine how my poor nerves would survive the sounds of trees falling and things hitting the house.
The good news is that with all of the things going on with the weather, I've barely thought about all the medical things going on with me, except when they stand up and make me take notice.
But right now I have a serious medical issue on my mind. Kullen has not had much trouble with his asthma since starting a new maintenance medication. We have been so pleased with the results. But in the last couple of days I think he has missed a dose or two - keeping late hours and having a distracted mommy who hasn't followed behind him to make sure he's taken it. The results, wheezing. Yesterday, he went to use his inhaler and said words that struck fear into my heart, "It's empty." The pharmacies are closed. I think the obvious question is why don't we have a back-up - and the answer to that question is because it isn't allowed. I have repeatedly asked - and been told repeatedly that our insurance will not pay for more than one at a time. Travis hooked up an inverter in the back of the car to an accessory car battery that he charged up. I sure hope it will work to power the nebulizer, should we need it. Please pray for my boy to be safe and that we can calm his asthma before Gustav visits.

And yes, I am leaving around 2 pm central time. Taking the kids to see Mama Mia in my MIL's town, and then we'll settle in.

First Day and McDs

I was just telling a friend the other day that I hate McDonalds. I haven't darkened the door of the closest one to our house in the almost 2 years that we've lived here - and yet here I sit today using the Wi-Fi because like her sister, Kaitlyn has launched out into the working world. To be honest, the cost of the gas was more than the cost of my time. It just so happened that we recently saw a sign out in front of McDs that they have Wi-Fi so I thought I could get some work done. Thankfully the restaurant is not busy because between the Kully-boy hopping around making music with condiment packets, his feet, his straw, and the blaring country music - I might find it hard to concentrate.
I took the picture of Kaitlyn as I dropped her off at work before she got out of the car. I had to beg. She didn't let me kiss her either. She is so different from Kendra. I hate to let her go. She looked like she aged about 10 years in the walk from the car to the front door.
A little while ago while we were sitting here, the manager walked by and he asked me how I knew they had Wi-Fi. I was telling him I saw it on the sign. He was pretty pleased as he has been trying to convince his manager that the sign brings in business. After he walked away, Kullen said, "Mom that guy likes you!" Loudly. I almost died. I asked him why he thought that. He said, "Cause he was flirting with you, old people style!"
You can feel pretty dang good about yourself some days until one of your kids opens their mouth! Thankfully it is about time to leave. 11 minutes and counting!

My Bee-yoo-tees

Kendra 17, Kullen 10 and Kaitlyn 14

The kids had these formal pictures made a few weeks ago. When we got them back yesterday I couldn't have been more pleased. It was especially fun since I didn't see them taken. I loved the way he had them laid out and how they were taken outdoors in a natural setting.

Enjoy it For Now

The girls went to a high school Valentine's party at a friend's house tonight, and the girls are staying to sleep over. Kullen is also friends with the brother, and was invited to come, hang out, and spend the night there. (He was totally jazzed about this!) The girls were dressing up - and they looked so beautiful I just had to take some pictures. I'm sharing a couple, but you can see them all here.
It has been so quiet here tonight. I did have some quiet time alone snuggling with Travis until he passed out from the long day at work.
I have really enjoyed the quiet time to myself - but at the same time I miss the kids. I hate going to sleep without them in the house. I know the day will come when all too soon, they won't be coming home to sleep - and I do not look forward to that day.
When I saw them tonight, all dressed up it just took my breath away. My baby girls are growing up so fast, and so is my little boy. I wish I knew how to always be present in these days - to truly enjoy every moment. It seems to elude me.
Right now they're probably listening to loud music, laughing with friends and creating memories and new inside jokes, eating junk food and drinking soda. Kullen just called to tell me goodnight - but he didn't seem very interested. For the first time ever, it seemed he thought I hugged him too long before I left him at the party.
Oh well, I won't dwell on this right now. I'll drink my hot tea, read a book, and go to bed knowing that I will wake up to a nice, quiet house tomorrow morning! For now, I will enjoy it!

Torture or a Godly Shove

Travis called me this morning. "I have bad news" he says. In my wisdom, I know that nothing following this line can be good - however, there are varying degrees of bad. In the past he has said this cause he got a ticket, or needs to buy new tires, or the price of gas went up. Today, the bad news was at the highest degree of bad.
He. got. laid. off.
I didn't see this coming - and that made the bad news even worse.
Our financial situation is already suffocating, having depleted what we had saved as he has made less than what was anticipated when we moved.
But, God is indeed in control.
Travis is the kind of guy that likes his comfort zone, more than most. He hates change. He has a long list of things he doesn't want to do. He has been talking for a couple of months now about going back into welding, but Mr. Comfort Zone often needs a huge shove to go from point A to point B.
I am trying to look at this situation as a godly shove.
In fact it can be a blessing in disguise. I have questioned the Lord before during times of unemployment and what on earth He was doing - when I had been so faithfully praying that He would give Travis a better job - and clearly heard His voice speak into my spirit "how did you expect Me to give him another job when he still had one?"
So I'm holding onto that.
And I'm thankful for the lessons my kids have learned during this time. When a lot of kids would be wheezing and whining about how this might effect their Christmas - my amazing kids were wrapping their arms around us, praying with us, and encouraging their parents. Kullen did wonder how we're going to eat which I think is quite practical. Suddenly an AK47 Airsoft Gun that was at the top of his list is not a major priority. Good kids. Lots of blessings. I'm counting them instead of the digits in my bank balance today.

A Good Kind of Tired

Today was the girls first day of co-op. Only the high schoolers started today - and next week the whole group will be in full swing. I had lunch with the girls and they were so happy. They had such a tight group of special friends in WV - and have counted moving away from them a catastrophic loss. I know that they have wondered if they will ever have those significant friendships again. I could see that the kids at the co-op today were very special as well - and know that it won't take long before there are friendships, inside jokes, silly nicknames, myspacing, IMing, activities, parties and sleepovers in full swing again. It will be different. In some ways it is so sad to move on, but move on we must.
Last night when we were going to bed - trying to go to sleep - I had to yell for the girls who were giggling excitedly and nowhere near sleep to quiet down because they were keeping me awake. They are anticipating the new life they can make here. I was so happy when they both told me that co-op today was better than they ever could have dreamed. Some of the kids we met were so polite - even one boy came up to them in the lunchroom just to say hi and welcome them to the co-op.
I helped another mom put name cards on lockers, and decorate a classroom. It was a busy day, climbing up and down on a chair, assembling decorations on bulletin boards, and all sorts of things. It was busy. I am so tired from lack of sleep and the busy day - so tired -but it is such a good kind of tired.

Walking Dictionary

I have a very curious 9 year old boy. He has always asked a lot of questions - but lately his favorite has been, "What does ________ mean?" He is usually referring to a word in something he is reading, however it can come from the radio, television, a conversation he overhears, etc. I love it that he is so curious - but if I am going to be able to keep up - I think I will have to start reading the dictionary! It is so strange - there are many words that you are familiar with, and have an understanding of what they mean - but have difficulty defining.
How about you, what is the funniest, most persistent thing your children have asked?