Tonight, I feel like Leah. You know, from the Bible. She’s the one whose father tricked Jacob into marrying her. That is pretty much how I have felt most of my life. Deep down it is my secret fear that nobody would be with me unless they had to - parent, friend, spouse, children. There’s that warm fuzzy word – obligation. Ugh. Is there anyone as familiar as I am with this intense struggle with insecurity? I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Most days I am a happy-go-lucky person, but these attacks on my heart come with a vengeance. I know that it is spiritual in nature. I know that the goal of the enemy is bigger than just my personal discouragement. I would like to turn the tables on him - I know who I am in Christ. He has told me I am His child. He loves me and wants me. I have to totally and completely make this statement in faith – because truly most times I don’t believe it in my heart of hearts. And I know my thinking is flawed. Just as soon as I begin to think to myself – “why would He want me?” there is a preconceived notion that He would want me for anything that I myself can offer. The truth is that I cannot do anything to earn His love. In my life this insecurity has taken on many facets. It has made me bail on relationships before they could bail on me. It has made me hurt others who have truly loved me, in complete and utter panic to make a quick escape. I am thankful that since I have become a Christian the acting out of these episodes has become almost non-existent. However, the working them out of my own heart and mind seems a bit more complicated. I will pray to take captive every thought that sets itself up against the knowledge of Christ. I believe His word to be true – even when my feelings go completely against it – I will choose to believe that HE loves me, and that no matter what may come in life, HE will never leave me or forsake me.
This is real life blogging here people - I couldn't make this up. Pollyanna didn't show up tonight!
This is why it is so important that our belief and faith is centered on Christ and the cross and NOT on how we feel. Our feelings ebb and flow like the ocean, and cannot be trusted to tell us the truth. Focus on Gods word for the truth.
ReplyDeleteI'm in Kingsville - South of Corpus Christi.
ReplyDeleteit is hard to imagine God's unconditional love when we deal with conditional love everyday.
ReplyDeleteit's an amazing thing.
I'm here. Again. Visiting and talking to you. And I don't feel obligated to do so at all! I want to!! Because you are my dear friend and a very special, talented, fun, deep, interesting, loving, caring, and wonderful woman who I am priviledged to know and count as a friend! So there!! :-)
ReplyDeleteOur Pastor always says,
ReplyDelete"Let what you know, control what you feel. Don't let what you feel, control what you know!"
I struggled with insecurity and self esteem issues most of my life, stemming back to an absent father. It is amazing how that influenced the decisions I made and molded the way I felt about myself!
"If I were smarter, prettier, (fill in the blank) than my dad would want to be with me"
For a people pleaser like myself, this was really hard. Even after I was a Believer I struggled with this. For me, God used a Bible Study I did 6 years ago called,
"In My Father's House" to hael the wounds that I had had buried so deeply.
For me and my situation, this was life-changing! I was walked through a process where God was actually able to give me a heart of compassion towards my father and take away all the bitterness and anger that was festering inside of me. (Believe me, I was an angry woman!)
Satan tried only one time to rob me of my healing. I stood on what God had done in my life, this miraculous trnasformation and he has NEVER again tried to throw this in my face again. (He does try other tactics though).
My father is a Godly Christian man, one I actually respect and admire now. Our relationship hasn't just been restored, it's whole and healthy. I no longer carry the wound but I do have a scar. The scar reminds me of how Jesus, who was crushed for my iniquity, has brought this change into my life!
Freedom comes at great price!
Connie
I struggle with much of the same things, and I know it's hard..I'll be praying for you, as well as myself...Stay strong.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to and am trying to REALLy grasp with my heart the knowledge of His grace.
ReplyDelete