I Choose to Believe

Tonight, I feel like Leah. You know, from the Bible. She’s the one whose father tricked Jacob into marrying her. That is pretty much how I have felt most of my life. Deep down it is my secret fear that nobody would be with me unless they had to - parent, friend, spouse, children. There’s that warm fuzzy word – obligation. Ugh. Is there anyone as familiar as I am with this intense struggle with insecurity? I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Most days I am a happy-go-lucky person, but these attacks on my heart come with a vengeance. I know that it is spiritual in nature. I know that the goal of the enemy is bigger than just my personal discouragement. I would like to turn the tables on him - I know who I am in Christ. He has told me I am His child. He loves me and wants me. I have to totally and completely make this statement in faith – because truly most times I don’t believe it in my heart of hearts. And I know my thinking is flawed. Just as soon as I begin to think to myself – “why would He want me?” there is a preconceived notion that He would want me for anything that I myself can offer. The truth is that I cannot do anything to earn His love. In my life this insecurity has taken on many facets. It has made me bail on relationships before they could bail on me. It has made me hurt others who have truly loved me, in complete and utter panic to make a quick escape. I am thankful that since I have become a Christian the acting out of these episodes has become almost non-existent. However, the working them out of my own heart and mind seems a bit more complicated. I will pray to take captive every thought that sets itself up against the knowledge of Christ. I believe His word to be true – even when my feelings go completely against it – I will choose to believe that HE loves me, and that no matter what may come in life, HE will never leave me or forsake me.

This is real life blogging here people - I couldn't make this up. Pollyanna didn't show up tonight!

Contrived

My husband and I sat in Sunday school a few weeks ago - and there were some women sitting in the row in front of us. He kept leaning towards me and pointing at each woman in turn, whispering, "Have you tried talking to her?" It made me giggle - and I shushed him because I was afraid somebody would hear. Friendship is something that just happens, and not something that you can go looking for. It is bizarre to think that you "plan" to be friends with someone. I was blessed with a wonderful group of friends in West Virginia. I miss them terribly - but here is the thing - they all still have their lives. Things keep going. They are the lucky ones. Their absence screams out loud in my life daily.
We are sort of in the same situation with the church we've been going to. The pastor's sermons are great - thought provoking, convicting, and Bible based. What is lacking is in the people - they are friendly while you're there at church - but outside of that they tend to stay to themselves. But the absolute worst part for me is the worship time. When we first attended and met with the pastor we were told that they were supposed to be hiring a worship leader - and now there are plans and things far into the future being discussed with the same interim leader - who has a beautiful heart - but the worship time is really lacking. I mean really. Monotone singing, heads down with eyes in the hymnal - and no real sense of worship. I have heard more upbeat music played at funerals than what we have had the last two Sundays. I cannot imagine permanently being planted there in that situation. The thing is that I feel it necessary to stick with it because it seems the only venue for meeting people and establishing some roots.
It is all very contrived. It all feels fake. It all feels useless. I am not sure what will come of it all - I just know that suddenly - in the last two days it has hit me like a ton of bricks - the discouragement. I am going to be seeking the Lord on these things. I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning. It seems to lift and descend and lift and descend.